Well my brother whom I absolutely idolize has influenced me politically ,spiritually, religiously, mentally, since around age 11. He has influenced me more than my parents could have ever hoped to. My mother a worrying, micro manager , ESFJ and my father distant, absorbed, measured INTJ. Both are painfully conservative and religious. I was raised Pentecostal till about 13. So that means no pants, no haircutting, no jewelry, no movie theatres, very little makeup. In fact I remember my pastor preaching against jeans (for boys), flip flops, dyed hair, and the color red. No drinking, no smoking, no drugs, no sex till marriage, no "worldly" music, tv shows, movies, books (they gave up a little fight about Harry potter because it had witchcraft, I was not aloud to read it infront of church people for fear they would judge us) So, I had a very strict and confined childhood compared to others. Everything in my life was judged from an early age. I remember thinking thoughts about "is this all for real?" I would shove those thoughts down and felt like throwing up. My brother rebelled first mentally and physically. He paved the way for me without him I probabely would of commited sucide at the ripe old age of 40 when I realized my life means nothing. But he saved me and he opened the door. The problem though is now that I'm really begging to form my own opinions the truth keeps hitting my like a ton of bricks. The door he opened is killing me, in a good way (I think). Im becoming cynical, and hard hearted. I have the persona to the outside world, of being a heartless bitch. But, my closest friend whom I show the most emotions to (INFJ) knows Im not. So what I am saying is the INTP in my life has shaped me into some one who sees the world for what it is a silent observer. Though when I write or I sit and think my feelings rush forward in suprising force and I find myself falling apart every night crying, and sobbing. Excorcising the feelings I cant express to anyone no matter how close I am to them. Any one know what I mean?