I've always hear people asking the same question over and over again: "How come it's so difficult to get to know them?"
Now, here's purely based on my own experience as an INFJ and may not represent the entire tribe of INFJs in particular.
Honestly, I do feel that I find it quite difficult for letting people close. I don't like Facebook because there are certain information which I wouldn't mind to share with a few close individuals, but sometimes when my Fe got carried away I usually regretted about posting/revealing emotional issues. Perhaps that's why I tend to hibernate every once in a while by deactivating my account every now and then on FB.
For me, personally, I often felt that the majority of people often misunderstood me when I reveal a small grain of my most private thought and that turn out the majority of them couldn't handle, nor show adequate amount of wavelength to offer a mutual understanding on the issue (or perhaps just some random thoughts)--which leads me to disappointments. At the same time, I felt it's better not to let someone stepping in to my inner world for the sake of saving them from awkward embarrassment of not knowing what to contribute in the first place.
The reason why I think most INFJs seem to be cold to new comers have to do with the stage of implementation of your character (as it's quite obvious trait for most judgers). Our Ni-dom helps to pick up all the new information which helps to judge your character, even though we tend to pick a few important, but big cues (unlike Ne-dom users who pick up for various smaller cues for central data processing). Though it is true that our Ni-Fe usually try to connect the dots with a few key data as compare to Ne-Fi users, we try not to jump into conclusion (at least in my case) by observing and analyzing with our Ti for a longer period of time--a way for us to double-check with our accuracy on judging/reading people. Just like our NF cousins (particularly ENFPs), we want to check for authenticity of who you are first and then deciding upon if we should invest our time on you emotionally or even platonically.
When it comes to relationship commitment, even in the form of pure friendship, can be quite heavy for us. Most INFJs devoted their time to help those who got a permanent key to our sanctuary has to do with responsibility. I bet it's quite common for most INFJs to realize the frustration of needy friends who constantly need to spat their hearts out whenever they needed to borrow our patience ears, while we ignore our needs by sacrificing our time by putting those who are close to us in top priority. Thus, most INFJs realized how time consuming this can be if we're not careful by screening potential friends in and out. On top of this, since we literally live in our heads most of the time as a form of escapism, or whenever we need our breaks from the physical world, most INFJs realized having too much commitments can really stress us out to no end.
On the contrary, I assume most INFJs do want to be close to people because it only takes a loner to realize how difficult it is for introverted feelers (as compare to introverted thinkers) to compensate our emptiness with alone time. It does seem like a double-edge sword at this point because on one end we are desperate of wanting people who are dearest to us to understand us (once you've been approved to our rich inner-world); yet there is a fear of rejection or disinterest if we let you in to our cosmic world. Perhaps this might have to do with how most INFJs take past failed relationship seriously that have to do with misunderstanding. Letting someone in to our core means a huge risk, if not threat to us. If you ever paid close attention to how easily INFJs might get hurt from hardcore Te consultation, you'll know that there's always a constant fear of trusting someone too soon among INFJs.
When a person rejects an INFJ after being close to them, it's not merely a rejection of a doomed relationship but I think most INFJs would take it as a rejection of their core, which can take an awful lengthy period of time for us to recover. This is why we are often on high-alert of not letting people in too easily and would rather let time to put our faith into test by checking past and present patterns of consistency, as INFJ takes verbal declarations and promises as a sign of trust and respect. This can be quite challenging for Perceivers as they are more capable of changing their thoughts and claims, either intentionally or non-intentionally.
Due to our Fe-Aux, we constantly put on masks for the sake of social harmony. So when an INFJ wants to leave early during a huge gathering, it doesn't necessary mean that s/he is a party-pooper but we often felt exhausted in large gathering settings. It may not be a sign that we didn't want to be around with you, even if we have a special place of you in our hearts. Generally speaking, it takes too much energy for us to observe people, filter and analyze everything we experience all at once. So if you're really genuine about opening up our hearts, you will have to invest more personal and quality time with us one-on-one privately. This way, we'll be able to understand you better as we're often most curious of people who we like best. If you ever experienced a multi-topic conversations with an INFJ within an hour, consider that as a good sign because that shows we are truly comfortable with you.
Another important remark about the whole controversy of doorslam trademark of INFJ: It doesn't necessary mean that we are heartless creatures, but it has more to do with the excessive amount of pains and disappointments that can torture our souls from others. Perhaps it might have to do with we tend to care too much for those who we decided to let them to walk in to our core, but that's really the reason why we don't let people in readily at all by building invisible wall around us.
As a result, if you really want your INFJ to open up to you, it does take an incredible amount of patience and perseverance. You have to take it slowly into investing yourself of breaking the invisible wall barrier because most INFJs tend to be suspicious of people's genuine interests toward them in the beginning. Once when they finally open the doors of acceptance, it is actually a great indication of earning your trustworthiness as our Ni-Ti tend to pick up all the past record of our interactions with you--and trust me, those are hard-earned points.
So when that moment comes, you'll finally enjoy the rich, inner-private world from us. Perhaps that's when we can be a little clingy sometimes--not due to dependency, but because that's the moment when we consider you to play a huge role in our lives. It's basically a sign of successfully peeling off multiple layers and that you have finally pass quite a few tests before we want to tip my hand emotionally to them.
Also, I hope people won't take it too personally when we don't open up because we can only take a handful of super-close intimates. Becoming close friends with an INFJ is certainly hard work, but I can reassure you that it's definitely worth the wait because we pour ourselves heart and soul into committed relationships, and those could be pretty intense experience for better or worse.
Edit: I would like to hear how other INFJs deal with the issue of keeping people guarded for the sake of self-protection. Please share your views on this matter.
Now, here's purely based on my own experience as an INFJ and may not represent the entire tribe of INFJs in particular.
Honestly, I do feel that I find it quite difficult for letting people close. I don't like Facebook because there are certain information which I wouldn't mind to share with a few close individuals, but sometimes when my Fe got carried away I usually regretted about posting/revealing emotional issues. Perhaps that's why I tend to hibernate every once in a while by deactivating my account every now and then on FB.
For me, personally, I often felt that the majority of people often misunderstood me when I reveal a small grain of my most private thought and that turn out the majority of them couldn't handle, nor show adequate amount of wavelength to offer a mutual understanding on the issue (or perhaps just some random thoughts)--which leads me to disappointments. At the same time, I felt it's better not to let someone stepping in to my inner world for the sake of saving them from awkward embarrassment of not knowing what to contribute in the first place.
The reason why I think most INFJs seem to be cold to new comers have to do with the stage of implementation of your character (as it's quite obvious trait for most judgers). Our Ni-dom helps to pick up all the new information which helps to judge your character, even though we tend to pick a few important, but big cues (unlike Ne-dom users who pick up for various smaller cues for central data processing). Though it is true that our Ni-Fe usually try to connect the dots with a few key data as compare to Ne-Fi users, we try not to jump into conclusion (at least in my case) by observing and analyzing with our Ti for a longer period of time--a way for us to double-check with our accuracy on judging/reading people. Just like our NF cousins (particularly ENFPs), we want to check for authenticity of who you are first and then deciding upon if we should invest our time on you emotionally or even platonically.
When it comes to relationship commitment, even in the form of pure friendship, can be quite heavy for us. Most INFJs devoted their time to help those who got a permanent key to our sanctuary has to do with responsibility. I bet it's quite common for most INFJs to realize the frustration of needy friends who constantly need to spat their hearts out whenever they needed to borrow our patience ears, while we ignore our needs by sacrificing our time by putting those who are close to us in top priority. Thus, most INFJs realized how time consuming this can be if we're not careful by screening potential friends in and out. On top of this, since we literally live in our heads most of the time as a form of escapism, or whenever we need our breaks from the physical world, most INFJs realized having too much commitments can really stress us out to no end.
On the contrary, I assume most INFJs do want to be close to people because it only takes a loner to realize how difficult it is for introverted feelers (as compare to introverted thinkers) to compensate our emptiness with alone time. It does seem like a double-edge sword at this point because on one end we are desperate of wanting people who are dearest to us to understand us (once you've been approved to our rich inner-world); yet there is a fear of rejection or disinterest if we let you in to our cosmic world. Perhaps this might have to do with how most INFJs take past failed relationship seriously that have to do with misunderstanding. Letting someone in to our core means a huge risk, if not threat to us. If you ever paid close attention to how easily INFJs might get hurt from hardcore Te consultation, you'll know that there's always a constant fear of trusting someone too soon among INFJs.
When a person rejects an INFJ after being close to them, it's not merely a rejection of a doomed relationship but I think most INFJs would take it as a rejection of their core, which can take an awful lengthy period of time for us to recover. This is why we are often on high-alert of not letting people in too easily and would rather let time to put our faith into test by checking past and present patterns of consistency, as INFJ takes verbal declarations and promises as a sign of trust and respect. This can be quite challenging for Perceivers as they are more capable of changing their thoughts and claims, either intentionally or non-intentionally.
Due to our Fe-Aux, we constantly put on masks for the sake of social harmony. So when an INFJ wants to leave early during a huge gathering, it doesn't necessary mean that s/he is a party-pooper but we often felt exhausted in large gathering settings. It may not be a sign that we didn't want to be around with you, even if we have a special place of you in our hearts. Generally speaking, it takes too much energy for us to observe people, filter and analyze everything we experience all at once. So if you're really genuine about opening up our hearts, you will have to invest more personal and quality time with us one-on-one privately. This way, we'll be able to understand you better as we're often most curious of people who we like best. If you ever experienced a multi-topic conversations with an INFJ within an hour, consider that as a good sign because that shows we are truly comfortable with you.
Another important remark about the whole controversy of doorslam trademark of INFJ: It doesn't necessary mean that we are heartless creatures, but it has more to do with the excessive amount of pains and disappointments that can torture our souls from others. Perhaps it might have to do with we tend to care too much for those who we decided to let them to walk in to our core, but that's really the reason why we don't let people in readily at all by building invisible wall around us.
As a result, if you really want your INFJ to open up to you, it does take an incredible amount of patience and perseverance. You have to take it slowly into investing yourself of breaking the invisible wall barrier because most INFJs tend to be suspicious of people's genuine interests toward them in the beginning. Once when they finally open the doors of acceptance, it is actually a great indication of earning your trustworthiness as our Ni-Ti tend to pick up all the past record of our interactions with you--and trust me, those are hard-earned points.
So when that moment comes, you'll finally enjoy the rich, inner-private world from us. Perhaps that's when we can be a little clingy sometimes--not due to dependency, but because that's the moment when we consider you to play a huge role in our lives. It's basically a sign of successfully peeling off multiple layers and that you have finally pass quite a few tests before we want to tip my hand emotionally to them.
Also, I hope people won't take it too personally when we don't open up because we can only take a handful of super-close intimates. Becoming close friends with an INFJ is certainly hard work, but I can reassure you that it's definitely worth the wait because we pour ourselves heart and soul into committed relationships, and those could be pretty intense experience for better or worse.
Edit: I would like to hear how other INFJs deal with the issue of keeping people guarded for the sake of self-protection. Please share your views on this matter.
