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Dear reader,

I'm not sure what i want to accomplish with this thread. I guess it's just a way to get my own thoughts on paper.

Different sides of the same coin

My name is Joris and I'm 23 years old, live in the Netherlands and I am a 7w6 SX.

Childhood
My childhood was great, always smiling and having fun. I can only rememeber one outburst of anger when my classmates were teasing me with a nickname I did not like. I was always one of the smarter kids, athletic and kind.
I do remember how bad I could handle rejection, I never could. I was able to make friends and I wanted everyone to like me. If I wanted to have something, I'd move heaven and earth (in a sneaky way) to achieve my goals. I can remember stealing the coins from my parents car (for the shopping cart) so I could by my toys faster. With the rize of the computer, videogames I got obsessed. I can remember chewing through games like it was nothing. But rarely finishing them. I also liked nature very much, it seems to calm me down when my head was going a thousand miles an hour. Nature doesn't think, it is.

Teenage years
Starting puberty, which I did early, I found that I had a wandering eye for girls at a very young age. Watching sexetera (again, sneaky) with my best friend at the time. When I changed schools I seemed to hang out with the stranger kids. I guess I was afraid to put myself on the line, afraid of rejection. These people later became some of my closest friends. Also girls, I wanted them so bad! But I rarely had the confidence to do anything about it.
When I was 16 (for me that was a VERY LATE AGE) I kissed my first girl. I couldn't have been happier. After that I got my first girlfriend which I'll tell more about shortly. In this period I became addicted to playing videogames. It gave me the constant stimuli I needed. This was pritty much left unchecked, aside from an accasionally angry mother, because my parents had much more trouble with my brother and sister. One handicapt and the other has borderline. So again, i was the easy child. My grades were good, I exersiced enough and had friends. This was a happy time for me, aside from being bored a lot.

Mistake nr. 1
This boredom eventually struck into my relationship and i begane to wander what it would be like to cheat. The girl i did it with wasnt my type, but hey, she gave me the oppertunity to do it. So just to experience the act of cheating, i did it.

A short while after that we broke up because I had the feeling of entrapment, I literally thought, I am not ready to spend the rest of my life with one person. I freaked out and broke the relationship up, cried one night, returned to her the next morning asking for forgiveness. The mirror was broken and after a month she decided it was over.

Again the feeling of loneliness struck over me like a dark veil. This had two parts to it.
1) My enormous sex drive
2) Love (The feeling that your special and needed by someone)
Expecially the last one, coming from a deep sence of insecurity, made me find another girl within a month.

Mistake nr. 2
I didn't take time to think or feel. I numbed the pain and insecurity by sleeping with a girl the first time she was in my house. In my mind I was a free man, justified to do whatever i wanted. I kept on ignoring her request for a relationship and eventhough we were sleeping with eachother for over 3 months i made another mistake. When we were just together I planned a skiing trip with my school, and my friends including I were ready to party. So when the time eventually came, and i was tied down by a girl at home. I kept on thinking, this relationship isnt serious. I can do whatever I want, besides, its my birthday! So again, i cheated.

My girlfriend found out, and again, the mirror was broken. This was the start of a troublesome 3 year lasting relationship. After a while together I found out that she had a flammable personality. Probably an 8. And each time we fought, which were pritty horid fights. I got furiated to the point that I broke my own stuff. Expecially the times when she disallowed me to go out and party with my friends. Each time we were on the point of breaking off the relationship and my frustration was extremely high.

Mistake nr. 3
Again, I cheated. The feeling of "your doing something bad", someone thinks your attractive, time to think about something else than fighting was to much for me. It created a release, the pressure was gone. But at what cost.

Mistake nr. 4
The relationship continued to suffer the lack of trust and after 3 years we finally broke up. But before she was out of my house, i met another girl. A real sweetheart, funny and again, someone to take my mind of things. I thought to myself, I'M SINGLE, I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT. So we started dating, and my ex knew about it. Afterwards i keep on thinking what an asshole i must have been. But when your in such a situation, you don't think about how awful you are, you only focus on the things that hurt you.

In this relationship I kept on pushing the limits, eventhough she clearly said that she didn't want it. It's just so hard to overcome that urge to push the limits. Afterwards I'm not really that proud of what i've done.

Lesson nr. 1 / Mistake nr. 5
After 4 months I got my head on straight again and I broke up with this funny, gorgious girl who didn't do anything wrong. I told her that I didn't want to cheat on her again, that I was feeling restless. Truth be told, I had slept with another girl that weekend. Instead of keeping the relationship I broke it off. She didn't deserve me, she deserved much better.

Mistake nr. 6
I was feeling lonely again so I decided to date multiple women at the same time. One of which would be my next girlfriend. She was a nervous little six, virgin and muslim. It couldnt get any worse for a guy who liked things he couldnt have. Just to be clear, she was 21 years old and was tierd of her culture. All fun and games till she said
"all or nothing" and i took the bate. I couldnt stand losing her at that time, the sex was good, she was nice and respectful. To bad she was dating someone with commitment issues. I kept on pushing her for an open relationship.

We broke up for 1 week and in that week I emmediatly went back to the other girls I had dated. No time to stand still. But again, she begged me to take her back. I only wanted to take her back if I could kiss girls when i went out with my friends. This fool took her back and shortly after I cheated again. One of the girls I had dated before, again...virgin.... The other things that influenced that discision were my neverending need for attention, selfdoubt, low confidence, bad impuls control. I also thought to myself. If i can kiss somewhere else, I can kiss at home. But i took it a step further. Moments after this was done the news came to my girlfriend and she was really upset and shortely after she cheated on me.

Lesson nr. 2
Eventhough we had clear boundries, the open relationship, kissing allowed, I went even further. That I couldn't even follow my own rules, my own boundries, that i couldnt be happy with what i had. It struck me that I needed to change and i cried my heart out when i told this to my parents. I really wanted to make a change. I didn't want to live like an animal, only living on instincts. This was for me the moment to change.

Lesson nr. 3
For a while everything seemed to be going good, atleast from my side. I finally found peace in living with one girl.
But then she cheated on me again. I felt heart broken and I was able to experience my own acts from the otherside. I felt insecure and the feeling of "not being good enough" really struck me.


There are more things, but I'm not going to bother you with that. Since I took an intrest in the ennegram certain things fell into place. I finally start to realise how my insecurities influence my relationships.
Non the less it's hard to accept the faqt that your human and allowed to make mistakes.
I just hope that I learn from them enough so that my future won't be as unhealthy as my past.

Do you guys know the show where a hillbilly learns the concept of karma and tries to make up for his deeds. I can relate to him now. It just feels bad that I don't have the power to go back into time. One thing is for sure, the future is full of possiblities if you learn from your mistakes.


Thank you for reading this and if you have any questions or comment's I'd love to read it.
 

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Hello, I read what you wrote, and I've recently been doubting what my type is after reading a type 7 profile. I hope you don't mind me asking lots of questions. :tongue: May I know when you started reading about the enneagram, as in between which events you wrote? What made you relate to the 7 profile? What did you feel when you finally found out that "aha, this is my type?" I'd love to hear more from people who have confirmed that they are 7s, so that I can identify if type 7 fits me more. I look forward to your reply.
 

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"It just feels bad that I don't have the power to go back into time. One thing is for sure, the
future is full of possibilities if you learn from your mistakes" True that brother, all the best...
 
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