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After years of thinking I'm a die hard romantic hooking up with the wrong men, I've recently realized that I might be ME that's the problem.

I don't think it's a coincidence that I've only dated men I knew were not long-term potential. I think this was my way of being a commitment-phobe. I got all the perks of attention, sex, and new experiences while knowing I'm not actually attaching myself to another person. All of these things were just addictive because they provided relief from self-hatred and fear.

Now that I like myself...those things seem like nice, enriching experiences but not needs. Therefore I no longer feel a need for a relationship. I feel a desire for connection with men but not desire for a relationship.

Today it dawned on me that if I really wanted to be in a relationship, I would be.

Then I started thinking about what a relationship is. It occurred to me that I don't even know. Seriously, what is it?

You share stuff with another person and make joint decisions?

Uh...what's the point? It's 2015 and women are required to work. "Sharing", unless you're going to raise children (and I don't want to) doesn't make sense anymore. You can get sex and companionship without it.

Any INFPs who have gone through a phase of feeling like this?

I might just being going through a period of jadedness due having seen (and been in) a lot of horrible relationships, but who knows. I'm sure my tune might change if I met a new guy I really like.
 

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Hey Lola,

My desire for a relationship increased, decreased, increased and decreased again in the last 6 months or so. I have noticed that my self-confidence influences my need for a relationship. After a bad week I really want someone to cuddle/kiss with, someone who speaks words of support or encouragement, someone who makes me laugh. When I am feeling really good the desire for a relationship decreases, because I am my own support, my own comedian and my own motivational speaker. In those times I would only need someone who wants to give me a cuddle or a kiss. I don't think that is enough desire to base your relationship on.

Currently I am not looking for a relationship. If I happen to meet the perfect person, I will commit for a 100%. If I don't, it is absolutely not the end of the world.
 

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I came to this sort of realization recently, too! I went through a phase where I was in a desperate want to be accepted, plagued with thoughts of, I just want to find somebody who will accept and love my weirdness -- but never finding said person. And I would look, so fervently, to fill some sort warped perception (in my mind) what this "unconditional acceptance" was. It was this pervading sense of loneliness, if that even is the word to describe it (?), as if casting a net over myself and imposing this self-alienation and just essentially brewing in it. I knew this was the sort of loneliness that could not be filled by another person, but I sought to look for it in other people anyway and was disappointed when it didn't match up.

Seeking some sort of external validation can leave oneself even moreso hollow than the void we were seeking to originally fill.

It is a curious paradox, since in the stage life I am currently in I have interacted with more people in these last year but I felt so damn lonely. How could it be? I'm in the company of all these people, surely feeling lonely would be the last thing one would feel?

Until I came to this realization: As long that I would never accept myself as a person, how could I let somebody else accept me? Self-efficacy, in its purest form, can be only derived from oneself, by finding strength and truth in yourself.

It seems the most obvious conclusion, and one that people spout in their cliche golden rulebook all the time, but I really had to reach it by myself and endure everything else to really understand what people had been saying all along.
 

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i always think that relationship is two people love spending time together, doing what they like . But almost relationship ends because they feel tired of each other and want to spend time alone or searching for someone that more interesting, and it hurts.
 

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Ernest Becker wrote the most illuminating commentary on relationships that I've ever read....

This is an excerpt from Ernest Becker's Pulitzer Prize winning masterpiece "The Denial of Death"... in speaking about how modern man is too sophisticated for religion and has made it obsolete, love or romance has now become a religious problem:

refer to post below....sry for the double post!
 

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The Romantic Solution
Once we realize what the religious solution did, we can see how modern man edged himself into an impossible situation. He still needed to feel heroic, to know that his life mattered in the scheme of things; he still had to be specially “good” for something truly special. Also, he still had to merge himself with some higher, self-absorbing meaning, in trust and in gratitude —what we saw as the universal motive of the Agape-merger. If he no longer had God, how was he to do this? One of the first ways that occurred to him, as Rank saw, was the “romantic solution”: he fixed his urge to cosmic heroism onto another person in the form of a love object.3 The self-glorification that he needed in his innermost nature he now looked for in the love partner. The love partner becomes the divine ideal within which to fulfill one’s life. All spiritual and moral needs now become focussed in one individual. Spirituality, which once referred to another dimension of things, is now brought down to this earth and given form in another individual human being. Salva¬tion itself is no longer referred to an abstraction like God but can be sought “in the beatification of the other.” We could call this “transference beatification.” Man now lives in a “cosmology of two.”4 To be sure, all through history there has been some competition be-tween human objects of love and divine ones—we think of Heloise and Abelard, Alcibiades and Socrates, or even the Song of Solomon. But the main difference is that in traditional society the human partner would not absorb into himself the whole dimension of the divine; in modern society he does. pg. 159

In case we are inclined to forget how deified the romantic love object is, the popular songs continually remind us. They tell us that the lover is the “springtime,” the “angel-glow,” with eyes “like stars,” that the experience of love will be “divine,” like heaven” itself, and so on and on popular love songs have surely had this content from ancient times and will likely continue to have it as long as man remains a mammal and a cousin of the primates. These songs reflect the hunger for real experience, a serious emotional yearning on the part of the creature. The point is that if the love object is divine perfection, then one’s own self is elevated by joining one’s destiny to it. One has the highest measure for one’s ideal- striving; all of one’s inner conflicts and contradictions, the many aspects of guilt—all these one can try to purge in a perfect consummation with perfection itself. This becomes a true “moral vindication in the other. “5 Modern man fulfills his urge to self expansion in the love object just as it was once fulfilled in God: “God as .. representation of our own will does not resist us except when we ourselves want it, and just as little does the lover resist us who, in yielding, subjects himseff to our will.”6 In one word, the love object is. God. As a Hindu song puts it: “My lover is like God; if he accepts me my existence is utilized.” No wonder Rank could conclude that the love relationship of modern man is a religious problem.” pg. 160

As we know from our own experience this method gives great and real benefits. Is one oppressed by the burden of his life? Then he can lay it at his divine partner’s feet. Is self-consciousness too painful, the sense of being a separate individual, trying to make some kind of meaning out of who one is, what life is, and the like? Then one can wipe it away in the emotional yielding to the partner, forget oneself in the delirium of sex, and still be marvellously quickened in the experience. Is one weighed down by the guilt of his body, the drag of his animality that haunts his victory over decay and death? But this is just what the comfortable sex relationship is for: in sex the body and the consciousness of it are no longer separated; the body is no longer something we look at as alien to ourselves. As soon as it is fully accepted as a body by the partner, our self-consciousness vanishes; it merges with the body and with the self-consciousness and body of the partner. Four fragments of „existence melt into one unity and things are no longer disjointed and grotesque: everything is “natural,” functional, expressed as it should be—and so it is stilled and justified. All the more is guilt wiped away when the body finds its natural usage in the production of a child. Nature herself then proclaims one’s innocence, how fitting it is that one should have a body, be basically a procreative animal. pg. 162

But now the rub for man. If sex is a fulfillment of his role as an animal in the species, it reminds him that he is nothing himself but a link in the chain of being, exchangeable with any other and completely expendable in himself. Sex represents, then, species consciousness and, as such, the defeat of individuality, of personality. But it is just, this personality that man wants to develop: the idea of himself as a special cosmic hero with special gifts for the universe. He doesn’t want to be a mere fornicating animal like any other—this is not a truly human meaning, a truly distinctive contribution to world life. From the very beginning, then, the sexual act represents a double negation: by physical death and of distinctive personal gifts. This point is crucial because it explains why sexual taboos have been at the heart of human society since the very beginning. They affirm the triumph of human personality over animal sameness. With the complex codes for sexual self-denial, man was able to impose the cultural map for personal immortality over the animal body. He brought sexual taboos into being because he needed to triumph over the body, and he sacrificed the pleasures of the body to the highest pleasure of all self-perpetuation as a spiritual being through all eternity. This is the substitution that Roheim was really describing when he made his penetrating observation on the Australian aborigines: The repression and sublimation of: the primal scene is at the bottom of totemistic ritual and religion, that is, the denial of the body as the transmitter of peculiarly human life. pg. 163

If you find the ideal love and try to make it the sole judge of good and bad in yourself, the measure of your strivings, you become simply the reflex of another person. You lose yourself in the other, just as obedient children lose themselves in the family. No wonder that dependency, whether of the god or the slave in the relationship, carries with it so much underlying resentment. As Rank put it, explaining the historical bankruptcy of romantic loves a “person no longer wanted to be used as another’s soul even with its attendant compensations.”17 When you confuse personal love and cosmic heroism you are bound to fail in both spheres. The impossibility of the heroism undermines the love, even if it is real. As Rank so aptly says, this double failure is what produces the sense of utter despair that we see in modern man. It is impossible to get blood from a stone, to get spirituality from a physical being, and so one feels “inferior” that his life has. somehow not succeeded, that he has not realized his true gifts, and so on.”

No wonder. How can a human being be a god-like “everything’ to another? No human relationship can bear the burden of godhood, and the attempt has to take its toll in some way on both parties. The reasons are not far to seek. The thing that makes God the perfect spiritual object is precisely that he is abstract—as Hegel saw. He is not a concrete individuality, and so He does not limit our development by His own personal will and needs. When we look for the “perfect” human object we are looking for someone who allows us to express our will completely, without any frustration or false notes. We want an object that reflects a truly ideal image of ourselves.20 But no human object can do this; humans have wills and counterwills of their own, in a thousand ways they can move against us, their very appetites offend us. God’s greatness and power is something that we can nourish ourselves in, without its being compromised in any way by the happenings of this world. No human partner can offer this assurance because the partner is real. However much we may idealize and idolize him, he inevitably reflects earthly decay and imperfection. And as he is our ideal measure of value, this imperfection falls back upon us. If your partner is your “All” then any shortcoming in him becomes a major threat to you.

If a woman loses her beauty, or shows that she doesn’t have the strength and dependability that we once thought she did, or loses her intellectual sharpness, or falls short of our own peculiar needs in any of a thousand ways, then all the investment we have made in her is undermined. The shadow of imperfection falls over our lives, and with it—death and the defeat of cosmic heroism. “She lessens” = “I die.” This is the reason for so much bitterness, shortness of temper and recrimination in our daily family lives. We get back a reflection from our loved objects that is less than the grandeur and perfection that we need to nourish ourselves. We feel diminished by their human shortcomings. Our interiors feel empty or anguished, our lives valueless, when we see the inevitable pettinesses of the world expressed through the human beings in it. For this reason, too, we often attack loved ones and try to bring them down to size. We see that our gods have clay feet, and so we must hack away at them in order to save ourselves, to deflate the unreal over-investment that we have made in them in order to secure our own apotheosis. In this sense, the deflation of the over-invested partner, parent, or friend is a creative act that is necessary to correct the lie that we have been living, to reaffirm our own inner freedom of growth that transcends the particular object and is not bound to it. But not everybody can do this because many of us need the lie in order to live. We may have no other God and we may prefer to deflate ourselves in order to keep the relationship, even though we glimpse the impossibility of it and the slavishness to which it reduces us. This is one direct explanation—as we shall see–of the phenomenon of depression.

After all, what is it that we want when we elevate the love partner to the position of God? We want redemption—nothing less. We want to be rid of our faults, of our•feeling of nothingness. We want to be justified, to know that our creation has not been in vain. We turn to the love partner for the experience of the heroic, for perfect validation; we expect them to “make us good”: through love,” Needless to say, human partners can’t do this. The Iover does not dispense cosmic heroism; he cannot give absolution in his own name. The reason is that as a finite being he: too is doomed, and we read that doom in his own fallibilities, in his very deterioration. Redemption can only come from outside the individual, from beyond, from our conceptualization of the ultimate source of things, the perfection of creation. It can only come, as Rank saw, when we…lay down our individuality, give it up, admit our creatureliness and helplessness.24 What partner would ever permit us to do this, would bear us if we did? The partner: needs us to be as God. On the other hand, what partner could ever want to give redemption—unless he was mad? Even the partner who plays God in the relationship cannot stand it for long, as at some level he knows that he does not possess the resources that the other needs and claims. He does not have perfect strength, perfect assurance, secure heroism. He cannot stand the burden of godhood, and so he must resent the slave. Besides, the uncomfortable realization must always be there: how can one be a genuine god if one’s slave is so miserable and unworthy? pg. 167, 168

 

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I feel like input from more mature individuals are required here, but I'd give it a shot..

I went through a transition of thinking that only my other half would understand me -> wanting someone to love me -> feeling self-sufficient and priding myself for it. I was genuinely happy with and by myself. I was socializing a lot and casually dating, though eventually the dating stopped and I found myself in a relationship.

I think we experience our lives in phases and we don't stay in a permanent state of positiveness or negativity. Basically there are ups and downs.. and a relationship does make things better when we experience the downs. However, when we are in a better place in life it doesn't make our relationships redundant either.

I see healthy relationships as forming a deep unique connection with someone you love and something that encourages personal growth. There is a need to understand how to best accommodate someone else without disregarding your own needs through practicing commitment. I like being self-sufficient, but there's a certain kind of.. wisdom from extending yourself and thinking for someone other than yourself. All these things don't come easy (e.g. treating someone with kindness even when you don't feel like it) and certainly don't come by being by ourselves.

My SO compared it to a religious person practicing faith (I'm not religious but thought it sounded like a good comparison). There are no tangible benefits that arise out of it, and all the intangible ones occur within your partner and yourself. There is a certain kind of truth to "you make me a better person" (though it's cliche, arbitrary and so misused); you have an expectation, obligation and commitment to maintain yourself in order to maintain the relationship, and so does your partner. Commitment here extends out of exclusivity, and is really commitment to upholding what you've created together.

This is just my two cents' worth, and how your relationships form ultimately rely on your perception of relationships.
 

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I understand you. This quote sums up my thoughts on love and relationships;

If you love a flower, don’t pick it up. Because if you pick it up it dies and it ceases to be what you love. So if you love a flower, let it be. Love is not about possession. Love is about appreciation. - Osho

I feel like modern society teaches us to be attached to one another, to become one in union too fast. What ends up happening is a forced union of two individuals whos desires still exist but are suppressed by fear, from external ridicule and the panic of losing something special. This in turn impedes individual progression, and i feel this leads to the notion of 'settling down' which is a bad idea. Why would someone settle down in something that is not true, it's incredibly naive. Two individuals progressing side-by-side, experiencing existence with their hands interlocked is how i vision relationships... then at some point in the development of both the relationship and individuals something clicks, and the love transform into a more wholesome, platonic, transcending love. This is how i conceive being one in union, and finding a soul mate.

Excuse my tone in all that, it frustrates me sometimes.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
@refugee

That was a thought-provoking read thank you for posting. I remember describing a lovers face (when someone asked me what he looked like) as "like looking into a beautiful cathedral", maybe Ernest Becker' theory gives clues as why I felt this way.
 

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After years of thinking I'm a die hard romantic hooking up with the wrong men, I've recently realized that I might be ME that's the problem.

I don't think it's a coincidence that I've only dated men I knew were not long-term potential. I think this was my way of being a commitment-phobe. I got all the perks of attention, sex, and new experiences while knowing I'm not actually attaching myself to another person. All of these things were just addictive because they provided relief from self-hatred and fear.

Now that I like myself...those things seem like nice, enriching experiences but not needs. Therefore I no longer feel a need for a relationship. I feel a desire for connection with men but not desire for a relationship.

Today it dawned on me that if I really wanted to be in a relationship, I would be.

Then I started thinking about what a relationship is. It occurred to me that I don't even know. Seriously, what is it?

You share stuff with another person and make joint decisions?

Uh...what's the point? It's 2015 and women are required to work. "Sharing", unless you're going to raise children (and I don't want to) doesn't make sense anymore. You can get sex and companionship without it.

Any INFPs who have gone through a phase of feeling like this?

I might just being going through a period of jadedness due having seen (and been in) a lot of horrible relationships, but who knows. I'm sure my tune might change if I met a new guy I really like.
In a relationship, I want to be understood and understanding of my partner, respect their individual life path, and help them grow towards that. And I also want to grow.

One of the biggest problems I have with relationships, are when I'm expected to fit into a certain role I'm not comfortable with, like just because I'm a woman I want to have children with them, or I will clean the house, or I will care for them as their mother.

I do genuinely enjoy pleasing my partner, but I am also stubborn and in the past this has been criticized, when I think my boundaries and individuality should be respected. And I enjoy a lot of these activities, but not when they are demanded.

Also...I've learned that there are a lot of people who seem to approach relationships as if they are purchasing a commodity. And I am not into that at all.


To me it should be about a friendship that also facilitates positive growth and exploration. It should be about a deep and loving respect, and trying to cultivate an enjoyable and pleasant life together...reflecting both people's desires, interests, and goals.

So...I feel like as I've gotten older my relationship standards have become more defined and specific. I still want to be in a relationship, but only if it fits those requirements.

I fall in love with individuals, not relationships. And so my "list" of requirements is directed at the nature of the relationship.

Relationships are something to build together, which nurtures both people and is still highly individual in itself and reflects both people's desires and individuality. And I should also say that so far, I've learned that I can't really decide what type of person to fall in love with. My feelings ignore my reasoning in that area.

Also--I would rather be true to my feelings. I wouldn't get into a relationship unless I am in love that person, which is rare.

So yeah...picky feelings about love, and picky logic about relationship type--and that's probably why I haven't had sex in four years. : p

Edit: I re-wrote this because I had written it in a certain mood and it came off as way more negative and redundant than I intended upon re-reading it. Also early in the morning before caffeine (demon phase).
 

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After years of thinking I'm a die hard romantic hooking up with the wrong men, I've recently realized that I might be ME that's the problem.

I don't think it's a coincidence that I've only dated men I knew were not long-term potential. I think this was my way of being a commitment-phobe. I got all the perks of attention, sex, and new experiences while knowing I'm not actually attaching myself to another person. All of these things were just addictive because they provided relief from self-hatred and fear.

Now that I like myself...those things seem like nice, enriching experiences but not needs. Therefore I no longer feel a need for a relationship. I feel a desire for connection with men but not desire for a relationship.

Today it dawned on me that if I really wanted to be in a relationship, I would be.

Then I started thinking about what a relationship is. It occurred to me that I don't even know. Seriously, what is it?

You share stuff with another person and make joint decisions?

Uh...what's the point? It's 2015 and women are required to work. "Sharing", unless you're going to raise children (and I don't want to) doesn't make sense anymore. You can get sex and companionship without it.

Any INFPs who have gone through a phase of feeling like this?

I might just being going through a period of jadedness due having seen (and been in) a lot of horrible relationships, but who knows. I'm sure my tune might change if I met a new guy I really like.
This is one of the most interesting topics I've seen on here. After losing my wife in 2009, I was suddenly and for the first time on my own (but with children). I didn't know how to be without a wife. I kind of lost my identity through marriage because I didn't sufficiently know myself. I had to come to the place you describe. That place where you don't feel you need a relationship, but wonder if there's even a reason to go and find someone.

It took me about 5 years to get to know myself better and to find out who I am outside of any committed relationship.

I don't know if this will help you, but I found I couldn't really know myself better without getting to know someone up close and personal (Gee, that would make a great screen name.) I went online dating to do this. I dated about 8 different women, not knowing what I might be looking for. I learned what my weaknesses were in forming a new relationship and improved myself through that discovery. I learned that everyone is weird when they are outside of a relationship and that as soon as they form one, they begin to change for the better as they realize there is something worth focusing their time and energy on.

I eventually formed a lasting relationship with someone who I have been seeing for 3 years now. We have passed through so many interesting phases in getting to know each other and the experience has been so enriching that it obvious to me that life isn't worth going it completely alone.

I think that you're at a place along a journey in life where, while trying to figure out what you're about and where you want to go in life. You're not interested in finding a relationship because it has always meant finding the wrong person.

Spend as much time as it takes to know yourself better. I have seen a tremendous improvement in your outlook just watching your posts on here. Learning about yourself through personality typing, astrological sign descriptions, and through an introspective analysis of your past, will lead you out of the place you're presently in and into a new place where you will know when you're ready to connect with someone. In the meantime, enjoy the things that make you INFP. Feed your INFP needs and you will naturally find what you need in life and probably into a better place overall.
 

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I don't believe there is such a thing as a perfect relationship..
Relationships depend on the desires of two [or more] people so they end up being very restrictive..
or you have all the feelings there, but you aren't heading in the same direction anymore.


so I'm kind of in a weird place right now..
I'm more emotionally healthy now, but to keep the relationship healthy, I have to squash my desire to be more ambitious.

I feel more at home with friendships, tbh, though.
 

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I've come to the realization that love will always fade. That probably will never stop me from pursuing a love that persists until the day I die. As much as this may not necessarily be a good thing, I love and crave intimacy and enjoy being in a relationship and tend to do most of my development as a person while in relationships or in the time following the end of a relationship. So I don't think I'll ever stop searching for a love that doesn't die, regardless of how futile that effort may be. Giving up just isn't an option... maybe I'm willfully choosing to remain ignorant in this instance.
 

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Just wanted to say that it feels like you guys had listened to my thoughts :th_love:
 

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Two individuals progressing side-by-side, experiencing existence with their hands interlocked is how i vision relationships... then at some point in the development of both the relationship and individuals something clicks, and the love transform into a more wholesome, platonic, transcending love. This is how i conceive being one in union, and finding a soul mate.
This.

(Describes what I was trying to say in my own post, but much more concisely and eloquently. Thank you. And also a beautiful quote.)
 

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Lately I've been contemplating how much to trust in my futuristic predictions (feelings of how things will be). On the one hand I believe INFPs have a great predictive sense, especially as it relates to human beings and relationships - on the other hand, I've recently been wondering how much trust to put into it.

It's not that I think our predictive sense is incorrect as much as I think it is incomplete, and forms opinions based on a limited scope of information. My judgment crystallizes my experiences of real life into an ideal and then tends to over-apply it everywhere, and I'm beginning to wonder where the boundary is between accurate and useful to just plain inaccurate.

I guess relationships is one field where I've been thinking in this way, which is why I bring up this point.
 

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I got to that point, too. I spent my teens and early 20's thinking that if only I could find my soulmate, the one person who could understand and accept me for who I was, I'd be alright. That it would undo all the pain and hatred I inflicted on myself.

Obviously that brought all the guys flocking to me. ^__^

So eventually I got sick of being lonely and miserable and decided to try to build up my own self-esteem, do some stuff I'd always wanted to do, etc etc. As I became more comfortable with myself I became less and less interested in finding someone to be with. Especially once I got to the point where I was travelling around and trying to find somewhere that I would actually be happy to tie myself down in... being in a relationship with someone doesn't exactly lend itself well to that.

I suppose there was also the part of me that had become comfortable with being single. I didn't want to disturb that comfort by making myself vulnerable to another person and their whims. Much easier to just keep on existing the way I had for the last 5 or 6 years.

But I changed my mind when I met the right people. The first one didn't last as long as I would have liked, but it was my first attempt at a relationship in a long time and it was the first time I had believed someone when they told me I was desirable. So I guess it was worth it for that lesson alone. The current one, well, he's even more restless than I am! So while that presents its own problems, I'm also very sure that I could not live in a long-term relationship with someone who wanted to settle down and do all the traditional things. And the nice part about a relationship like this is that we can team up, pool our resources, and go do stuff together... or, if one's keen and the other isn't, there's no resentment if one goes to try something new and the other stays behind.

(I know this is a one in a million thing though. If I didn't have my boyfriend I know I would probably still be single. I have high standards but that's my own business and I'm happy to "suffer" the consequences of that.)

And I guess that leads into the reasons other posters have given for being in a relationship. It's something that I feel is only worth it when there's a mutual desire to grow as individuals and support one another in that. Maybe some people need more than that, and maybe some people need less. I'm pretty satisfied with the way things are working out for me, though.
 

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I don't know if I've gone through a phase of feeling like that... I've gone through similar though. Let me explain.

Back in the day, I needed a relationship to be happy and it was a destructive pattern...very self destructive at least. I'd get used, abused, and walked all over in my relationships that I grew used to it. I didn't care though because I loved them and I felt like I needed them to survive...to feel good about myself.

These days, I know I'm okay without a relationship...I do want one. I want a real one though and I'm taking my time finding that person. I'll need to feel attached to them and understood by them. There needs to be a mutual respect and I'm dead set that I need a snuggler. :3 I tend to attract the creepy manipulative types though. If I never do find one, I'll be fine. I've learned to enjoy my own company anyways.
 

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I think I might be at this point myself. I've been single for the past year or so now and I'm pretty hesitant to get back into a relationship. Relationships are not easy, they're very hard work and can very commonly end with heartbreak and sadness. I mean yeah, I'm a pretty romantic guy, but sometimes I wonder if the kind of girl I want even exists. Maybe I'm a bit too idealistic.

For starters I think I'm part of the problem. I'm not at all like most guys in the world (I'm probably too passive and easy going, most women seem to want more assertive men), and there's also the problem of me not ever wanting to have kids. Ideally, my long term girlfriend would be someone I can have a deep emotional connection with, have a meaningful conversation with, and who I can really count on to love me for who I am, and is accepting of my love for her. Someone who is OK living in a small apartment or condo and cuddling up with and chilling out with on weekends while we discuss any obscure topic that we can come up with. Just me and her.

But alas, hoping that a relationship will make you happy is often times a dangerous endeavour. The only person in the world who can make you happy is yourself, so sometimes that's what people should really concentrate on.
 
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