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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Its weird but, when I am not social at all, I don't get lonely, even though I used to. However, since my goals include being social, I get frustrated with myself if I'm not social.

Now that I've been going out more with people, and really enjoying their company, I keep getting lonelier.

It is like, after connecting with people, I feel a sense of withdrawal when I go home.

But, I have things I like at home. Am I just that needy? Was it just that good? Or is this some instinctual thing to make me find a mate instead of to just be social and connect, like, to "finish" the connection?

Is there somewhere else I can connect besides people? And, I thought I was already doing that, since I don't get lonely when I don't go out, and have a good life plan and pursuit, good values to work towards, and lots of fun hobbies.

I'm confused.
 

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Have you looked into doing some volunteer work ? Its a great way to meet people, and from my experience you meet really good people. It gets you out of the house doing something for someone else, plus gets you involved in groups.

Maybe it makes you lonely because once you come home after being social, you feel depressed. Do you have a best friend, or someone really close to you ? I think if you did it would make a big difference. Someone you can share your thoughts and feelings with.
 
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i know EXACTLY what you mean its funny. this year was an intense social year for me, i made tons and tons of friends and felt good about myself cuz i socialized but after all the socializing id come home and feel lonely.. and im like WHAT? i just did all this so i wouldnt feel bad and now i do?! i dont know about you, but i think i was socializing for the wrong reasons. i felt the need to socialize cause i thoguht its the 'normal' thing to do and if i act normal then ill feel happy and normal. ok so thats wrong. the only way to feel normal and happy and not lonely is to do whats right for you. it also may be that after you connect with someone its a major high and when you go back to yourself its like a 20 ft drop if you know what i mean.
 

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Maybe you are expending a lot of precious energy being social with people who only drain you and leave you feeling more lonely. It's not their fault, it just is how the dynamic operates. I'm sure some friendships are mutually valuable. But all of them can not be. Be discriminating about who you choose to spend time with and try to avoid being social for its own sake. The energy it costs is not worth it (to me). I have had a lot of friends over the years who just sucked the life force out of me. They didn't necessarily even mean to, but their worlds and my world were so opposite, the relationship can't possibly be one that makes me feel truly connected. The friends I have today share so much with me. We share values. We share passions. We take care of each other. And we don't place unrealistic expectations on each other. So I don't feel more lonely on account of the time I spend with them. I wish I had more time for some people, but as an introvert, I still have limits.

I know I am lucky, but it took me decades to find these people.
 

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It could be the pleasure/pain, high/low where your brain releases all those happy hormones when
having fun with people, then a drop in the hormone levels causes a low when you're away from the
source of pleasure.

It happens to me all the time, and that's why I get torn between being alone and being with others.

To tell the truth, I think that the quiet contentedness I get whilst alone, is more satisfying than socialising.
Perhaps it is re-connecting with my core.
 

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When I do performances, it tends to be very people-heavy and conversation-heavy, and I can sort of ride that wave feeling pretty good (as long as I don't feel that I've accidentally treated someone poorly and then feel awful for a day or so). It's strange to me, but the next day on my trip home, I get a strange sort of sadness and I find myself calling all my close friends and even some acquaintances to connect with them to feel better. I think Belovodia might be on to something with the observation it might be hormonally based. For me, as a male, it might specifically be coming down from an adrenaline high.
 

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Its weird but, when I am not social at all, I don't get lonely, even though I used to. However, since my goals include being social, I get frustrated with myself if I'm not social.

Now that I've been going out more with people, and really enjoying their company, I keep getting lonelier.

It is like, after connecting with people, I feel a sense of withdrawal when I go home.

But, I have things I like at home. Am I just that needy? Was it just that good? Or is this some instinctual thing to make me find a mate instead of to just be social and connect, like, to "finish" the connection?

Is there somewhere else I can connect besides people? And, I thought I was already doing that, since I don't get lonely when I don't go out, and have a good life plan and pursuit, good values to work towards, and lots of fun hobbies.

I'm confused.
It really depends on how you define "connection" and what expectations you have.

I don't find connection in shared interests or philosophy. I find connection in shared problem solving. There's no vulnerability in whether someone likes the same movie or thinks your esoteric knowledge in 12th century architecture is cool. But there is vulnerability when you're talking about how you want raise your kids and issues you've encountered. Or dating issues. Or work issues. Not complaints, but trying finding resolution in shared problems exposes you. No vulnerability, no connection.

The 2nd part is expectation. Now that we've shared something that exposes weakness in us, we tend to have expectation that they'll continue to be in our lives. I don't think you get lonely if you appreciate that moment as all you have and that you might never see them again. And move on to the next connection. We tend to seek quantity (I like this person so I want to see this person as often as possible) over quality (this moment might be all I have with this person, I should probably make the most of it) when it comes to relationships. I think it's that want of quantity that make us feel like we never have enough and causes loneliness.
 

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perhaps you are just realizing the benefits of being social and then when you arent you just miss it, i dont think that makes you needy. Its like sex, if you go without for a long time it seems like the desire is less and less but if you are in a relationship where you are getting it regularly you can really miss it when the person is gone for a weekend.
 
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You mentioned that you are not social and used to get lonely but now that you interact with people you feel lonlier. I think that because you are just begining to interact with people and becoming more social, you desire it more because you didn't have to back then. You feel lonely because you know how it feels like and you want more. I think after you've satisfied you desire for social interaction, you wont feel lonely anymore. I say this because at one point I went through the same thing.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
You mentioned that you are not social and used to get lonely but now that you interact with people you feel lonlier. I think that because you are just begining to interact with people and becoming more social, you desire it more because you didn't have to back then. You feel lonely because you know how it feels like and you want more. I think after you've satisfied you desire for social interaction, you wont feel lonely anymore. I say this because at one point I went through the same thing.
Really? Kind of like, when a drug is new, its all the rave, but after a while, its not that big a deal?
 

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Because...

Once you start being social with others, you stop being social with yourself. Treat your inner INFP!
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Because...

Once you start being social with others, you stop being social with yourself. Treat your inner INFP!
That is sooo true. The second I get in relationships as well I start just using that to feel good, and stop doing other things I love.

Its so weird to half a balanced life of inner peace and quiet spirituality as well as outer social relationships.

Wow.
 
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