[GoodOldDreamer]

Aloha!

So, I was thinking about online relationships earlier today, serious hetero LDRs specifically, and it occurred to me that a lot of the time, it's the guy that goes to the gal when they meet up irl. Obviously, this tends to be for an issue of safety and whatnot for the gal, but I was curious about something.

Once the meetings are done, things are going good, and the final move happens so the happy couple can finally be together irl whenever they wish instead of just special visits, is it still the guy that's the one most likely to do the moving? If so, why is this? Why is it up to him to get a new job, new place to stay, etc?

And, for you ladies out there, if you were/are in an online relationship, and it reached this same stage where you and your partner were ready to close the distance (though not necessarily live together in the same place, just like, in the same town or whatever), would you be willing to be the one to move? Or would you be more inclined to have him do the moving?

This can also be applied to you guys out there too. Would you be more willing to make the move or would you prefer the gal to make the move? And which role seems more common to you?

I guess what got me thinking of this is that a couple friends of mine first met online, have met irl, each took turns visiting each other, and have since become engaged to be married this summer, and it's the gal that's moving to be with the guy, which caught my attention because it's kinda different. Whether reading about relationships here on PerC or having had experiences elsewhere, it just seems like a rare turn of events.

Anyway, thoughts?

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Personally, I'm not in a relationship right now (irl or online), but I would hope that the move would be made based on other factors, such as whichever person is most available to make the move (i.e. maybe one person owns a house or land that ties them to an area and the other doesn't, or one has a really good paying job, or one has a job that can more easily transfer to a new area... stuff like that).

I've been in an online relationship before that extended into rl, and I was always the one to visit. I didn't really mind much, for a variety of reasons, but now I'm sort of settled down and have some ties to where I live so should I ever find myself in one of these types of relationships again, I wonder how likely it might be that my SO might make the move should it go that far to being something more permanent or whatever (I'd still be willing to make the initial visits if necessary n all that).

Can't help it that I'm future oriented. I have Ni! P

 

[DarkWarrior]

I think when it comes to the move it doesn't matter as much which gender as it is economics. You're going to move where a life together is most likely to be sustainable.

I simply don't know what will happen when the move happens in my relationship but it's still a ways away.... it worries me a bit not sure who will go where, it's all up in the air.

 

[perennialurker]

I would definitely make an initial trip to meet someone I care about personally , no matter how far. A permanent move would be a different matter. I wouldn't rule it out, but I would only decide on it after a considerable amount of time discussing this with the other person and after we had built up substantial trust.

 

[Ramysa]

Look, It really depends. But whoever decides to move has to be sure it's worth it. I was i a similar situation few years ago. I was dating someone from another country . Very difficult! All the traveling and meeting was fun but the missing was hell. Particulary bcz i was in college back then and also working so time was a luxury. It took us a year to really decide and bcz he couldn't find a job in my country I moved to his. I miss my family , my friends, my old job ( i had the best job ever!! ) , heck, i even miss the food ! But he's all worth it!
I guess it all comes up to what are the options , how much u are willing to give up and what would be the best for the relationship.

 

[basementbugs]

I met my husband on another discussion forum and we initially lived in two separate countries -- me in Canada and him in the US. The reasons for him visiting me when we were still long-distance, and the reason he ended up moving to live with me eventually, were almost purely practical.

As far as the visiting, he had more money and a driver's licence. I was very limited when it came to funds, and travelling by air/train/bus just seemed like a hassle in comparison to him driving (it was about a nine-hour drive, from Massachusetts to Ontario). Sure, I guess I could have done the travelling if he'd helped me out money-wise... but it just seemed easier for him to drive in the end.

As far as him moving here, well, it hasn't been easy for him for sure. I feel guilty a lot of the time, especially as he's had to do things like go back to school in order to have a reason to stay in the country. He tried and tried for ages to get a job, but... nothing. He has a degree in neuroscience, so it's kind of crazy that nothing seemed to work out job-wise. Once we got married (a year ago today -- yay one-year anniversary!), it meant that my husband could apply for permanent residency in Canada, but he still hasn't gotten round to starting the process for that yet, mostly for financial reasons. Soon, hopefully. On the bright side, when going back to school, he's ended up finding something he's a lot more passionate about than neuroscience; he wasn't sure he wanted a career in that field anyway and hated the job he had at a research lab in Boston. As for why I didn't/couldn't consider moving to the US... well, one, I'm on provincial government disability assistance. I have no other income and am not able to hold a job presently, so that would have been a major obstacle. If I'd lived outside the country, not only would I have had no income, I'd have had no health coverage -- and if it wasn't for Canada's universal public healthcare program, my family likely would have gone into massive debt years ago, despite the fact that my dad has insurance through General Motors. (Which is irrelevant at this age anyway; I was dropped from my parents' health coverage when I turned 25 several years ago.) Basically, I can't risk being without healthcare and I can't afford to pay for it in the States. Also... if I'm honest, I'm not mentally/emotionally stable enough to cope with moving. I had an absolutely awful time moving from one apartment to another within the same building that we're currently in. I hate leaving places so much that I find it almost traumatic. (The only reason I didn't have too much trouble moving out of my parents' place was because the atmosphere between us there was shitty and I needed to escape. I still horribly miss living in that house, though.) Anyway, my husband wasn't tied down at all and didn't want to end up living in his hometown in western Massachusetts (or in Boston) anyway, and he's had plenty of experience with moving from place to place in his life before and adapts pretty easily. Also, as a bonus, he got his neuroscience degree at Dalhousie University in Halifax (I didn't know him back then), so he was already familiar with Canada and had kinda fallen in love with the place, haha. I do wish there weren't so many complications to him living here... the "red tape", so to speak, is frustrating as hell.

So that's my story. All that said, I'm a firm believer that whoever would have an easier time making the move is the one who should do so. Gender seems completely irrelevant.

 

[qingdom]

This sounds like a setup... are you trying to bait pedophiles, GoodOldDreamer? Because this is exactly how 'To Catch a Predator' begins.... in each episode. :shocked:

 

[Impavida]

My current relationship started out LD. We were living at opposite ends of the country - a 5-hour flight away. I flew to see him for our first meeting - he was an inexperienced traveller and wasn't comfortable with the process, whereas airports are my second home. It was just easier for me to go to him.

The final move, it was me who did the moving. It made more sense for me to move based on our family obligations. However, I moved primarily for a job offer, not for the relationship. We weren't at the stage of making that decision yet - I was headhunted and offered a great job that happened to be half an hour away from where my BF lives.

As has already been mentioned, I don't think gender has anything to do with the decision. It's purely logistics.

 

[Vivid Melody]

We both moved...I guess some what met in the middle. No visits, just one move. It was a mutual decision which was based on different factors. We decided that's what was best for us. We always came up with a plan. I realize that's an unusual situation and people thought I was crazy but whatever. It worked for us. We were that sure about each other. I would do it again in a heart beat. When you love someone, you're willing to do whatever it takes to make it work and sometimes that requires moving. Though it wasn't that hard leaving for me at least...(though it still took courage) as there was A LOT of tension where I was. Anyway, we did not stay long at the mid point which we had originally planned otherwise. Not going to get into the details. We moved back to his home town to be with his mom who was sick. Then she got better and my dad-in-law got cancer so I'm glad we moved there because we got to spend time with them before they both died within the next four years. Now I am back where I started, only this time with him. Funny where life takes you.

 

[GoodOldDreamer]

This sounds like a setup... are you trying to bait pedophiles, GoodOldDreamer? Because this is exactly how 'To Catch a Predator' begins.... in each episode. :shocked:

Never seen the show, so I wouldn't know. P Why are you asking? Are you nervous you might get caught? Hmm?

...

HMMM?!

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Anyway, traveling long distance seems to be a bit beyond the call of duty for a pedo, I would think. But like I said, I never saw that show, so whatever. Maybe they do like going thousands of miles out of their way after talking for hours upon hours to some random kids. Yeah, how could that possibly be worth it? P

 

[knittigan]

My mum and my stepdad met online way back when it was super scandalous to do so and the first meeting actually entailed her flying all the way across the country to visit him. I don't remember why... it might have been because she had kids and he didn't. Anyway, he ended up being the one to move in the end, in spite of the fact that he basically took a demotion in his job to do so because my dad got understandably quite upset at the thought of his ex-wife moving his kids across the country and most likely bullied/manipulated my mum into staying. If I recall correctly, I also threw a bit of a hissy fit and insisted that I wouldn't be going with her if she chose to move. You can clearly tell which parent I took after :wink:

 

[Eliza. Peace to you.]

For my LDR its more natural for me to move. I would NEVER consider moving my son for a romantic relationship no matter how ideal. In fact I had no plans to meet anyone to consider marrying until he graduated, but things did not work out like I planned. My son is a sophomore in high school so it cannot happen earlier than two years. My Dad died and I have one brother in town here who is very busy all the time and a niece and nephew (his young adult kids, also busy) but I would be moving an hour away from his eldest, my niece. My other two brothers and their families are in other states, and I have no other extended family in this area - except my close friend, wife of my ex's brother, and her two boys, my son's little cousins, and I will miss them the most.

Where my sweetheart is it is two hours from my son's father, instead of the 6 hours now. So that would be better for my son, to have his parents be not so far apart. All of my sweetheart's family live quite near him, plus he has a house, half paid for (he is willing to dig in with me and work hard with me to pay it off soon; that's a priority for me). I will have to bring my Mom with me, who has Alzheimers. We are thinking the sale of her house (which will yield plenty but we must take her long-term care into account) will provide the building materials for him to add an addition to his house which we are having fun planning (he is doing this planning; he knows what he is doing and he is going to do all the work) - it will be, on the first floor - a small bedroom & bathroom & closet for her; upstairs - a bedroom expansion for us with a private bathroom; attic floor (current attic nicely finished with a bathroom) - a small attic bedroom with a small balcony for my son to have his own space to come to when he is with me (less and less after high school, but still, its important he have his own private space as its always been "home" with me). I'll miss where I live, particularly my job I will miss, but I am ready to expand my work horizons and its quite lovely where he lives, mountains, streams, lakes, rocks (really fine places to hike and that is a mutual interest for us), remote but not so far from established metropolitan areas and close enough to the ocean for day trips.

 

[Kyandigaru]

Hmm? I'm dating someone now, and while he don't live that far from me, its still a big deal to me. There are other aspects from me to consider with him, however, to apply my situation to this thread I'd rather HIM move and I move in with him. For us, its like a double matter...However, its possible to work out, you know?

My opinions on LDR is this, its very much easy as long as both parties are trusting, respectful and good at communication (of all sorts). Learn to use email AND texting AND phone! Don't just do one or the other. We women love to read and heard your sexy voices. hahaha such a turn on..<3

 

[timeless]

@Eerie's gonna be moving in with me near the end of the summer. :O I'll have my law license in September and I have a couple jobs lined up, so I'm waiting for all that to clear first.

 

[Eerie]

@Eerie's gonna be moving in with me near the end of the summer. :O I'll have my law license in September and I have a couple jobs lined up, so I'm waiting for all that to clear first.

I can't wait :happy: :happy: :happy: