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Discussion Starter #1
I realized I have this affinity for older INTJ men, usually around 10 years older. I appreciate them for their intelligence, their discipline, their fairness, their quirks, and also their search/thirst for knowledge. And sometimes, i have the rare chance to get to know them and start talking to them about conceptual issues we are both interested in, but what next?

I would like to see us advancing... from mere acquaintances, to friends? But for me, being a friend is also about spending quality time, doing stuff together outside of the conceptual talk? Talking about other interests, other stuff... i dont know. Maybe it was "fate" that meant we were just supposed to be acquaintances, but when I meet someone like this, i want to be in that person's life and vice versa. This sounds childish i know... but how can I ask an INTJ to be my friend? When i was younger, this was easier - side effect of Fe allowed me to openly pursue people i wanted to be friends with after observing them, and in general when i was younger, i was also in an environment where most people were also open to friendship (high school heh). Now that i am older, i know and see that other people also have their walls up just like i have my walls up. there's also other rules that prevent us from being more than acquaintances outside of how we know each other i guess - example, when i was in college, i really liked the T.A. for my philosophy class. he knew more than the professor did, and we always had conversations (outside of class) about philosophy and other intellectual stuff we were interested in. but after that class, we never got to talk to each other again. :sad:

any advice?
 

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Discussion Starter #3
What about the T.A. from my philosophy class? :unsure: The class was last year, and I havent seen him around since last December? wouldnt it be weird if i add him now.....?

Also: i know he has a facebook, because we have a mutual friend and i can click on his name, but he is on private. so i took this as a "DONT ADD ME" sign.
 

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Wha......

The weirdness or not shouldn't be a big factor in what you do here, I think. The question is whether or not you want to take those next steps. You could send a message wanting to reconnect that would be one idea. Adding him as a Facebook friend would be another route but there are different interpretations on what makes a Facebook friend, IMO. I say this as someone with a few thousand friends, some that are former classmates/co-workers, some are friends of friends, etc.

High school wasn't my time for making a lot of friends. University was way better, IIRC.
 

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Just add him on facebook and send a personal message along with the add. Say something like, "Hey, what's up! Haven't talked to you in a while. Hope you're doing good." There's no reason he wouldn't add you, unless you came off as the stalker type. Also, the way to befriend an INTJ is to find common ground. Find out what they are interested in, do some research on it if you're clueless, then bring it up in conversation later.
 

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There's no reason he wouldn't add you, unless you came off as the stalker type.
I beg to differ. As an intensely private person myself, I can see very good reason not to add anyone as a 'friend' who you don't consider a friend IRL.
But in that case you'll have your answer, too, no?

And on a personal note: I don't understand this hunting for friends. I know how hard it can be if you want to be friends with someone and they don't seem interested, but in my experience people come and go and the only ones who stay--at least for a while--are those who are interested in you without your jumping through hoops for them first. Myself, I'm weirded out by people who show this hoop-jumping behaviour towards me, because I'd never ask them to so.

Also, from your other posts I assume that these "usually around 10 years older" INTJ guys are in their late 20s/early 30s. Being on the far end of this "old" age group, I have to say that the age gap at this stage is no small matter. I'm not saying it can't happen, but a few years of gaining experience and aplomb may be what you really need to be interesting for (i.e. taken seriously by) these people.
 

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<-- Enjoys Facebook.

I can't speak for every INTJ, naturally (yes, I feel the need to preface every statement with the obvious simply because I've noticed the obvious isn't very obvious to most in this predominantly SP/SJ world we live in), but Nyn hit the proverbial nail on its head. If I don't know or consider you a friend in real life, adding me to any friends list would be considered relatively intrusive and slightly creepy. Chances would be very high that I wouldn't hit the "Accept" button.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I'm not saying it can't happen, but a few years of gaining experience and aplomb may be what you really need to be interesting for (i.e. taken seriously by) these people.

^I agree with this. Which is why for now, I'm content with being friends or at least keeping connected.

About facebook: Yes, I've been seeing the trend with INTJs - if you're not a friend IRL, not a facebook friend. But he has added over 350 people?! so i cant tell if he is like me and adds just acquaintances that seem ok?
 

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I also dislike Facebook. I closed my profile long ago. There is no privacy and, as INTJ, I have too many exciting things to do and learn instead of figuring out how their privacy setting work!
 

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I think the facebook step is easy. Then what? Are we friends, in the pre - facebook sense of the word?

My real problem is...('cough')...real life. What is the extra step I should take to become someone's friend instead of mere acquaintance? The technicalities seem to elude me.
 
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