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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
am late for work but will edit later to insert all the tact. general shot-across-bows for people unfamiliar with the recurring derails on the original gooey feels thread:

this is not a conversational milieu. you're welcome to read, but it's important to understand that people posting here are not inviting a conversation about what they post. and they won't welcome it. expanding here to say this should be assumed to include such one-on-one channels as private messages and comments on the poster's visitor wall.

so if you feel an urge to advise a poster, tell a poster your own feelings based on their feels, think you know the answers or just generally have an opinion that wasn't asked for, please take it outside of this thread. and even then, be aware that unless the poster has actually said they wouldn't mind being approached, the chances are still pretty good that you'll be crossing a line. no matter how good your intentions are, no matter how much you feel like you'll die if you don't get to chip in.

informal studies have shown that intjs (and for all i know other types too) genuinely appreciate having a place where they can express themselves without entering into some implicit 'social contract' that obligates them to put up with other people's two cents about whatever they have just said. those who get it won't need that justified. and those who don't can no longer say they weren't warned.

thank you. i made minor edits to this, by the way.
 

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this thread seems like a good idea.
I feel wide awake at 4:35 am.
contemplating interior decorating mostly.
sensory input is important.
I have my whole apartment set up to dull my hyperactive senses with muted colors. I love it.

Sister gave me a mint green handmade frame for Christmas with a photo of her cat in it. I hid it in my closet. It's way too much color. And too much cat. I feel only marginally guilty about hiding it. She probably won't visit me.
 

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In the other Fi goo thread I solved the unsolicited advice problem by being extremely cryptic and metaphorical. Now I can speak plainly. Lol. I love it.

My mom gave me brightly colored cat toys that she bought, and I threw them out. She also gave me a wooden thing that she bought with glittery letters in some cheesy life slogan, and I'm planning to throw it out as soon as my sense of action catches up with my guilt.

Ironically, I have an intense awareness of other people's sentimentality this week. Just not my own. Walking through town... "wow I bet this park holds a lot of bittersweet memories for someone who has been going here for decades." "Wow I bet this cheesy Christmas mug would have a lot of memories attached to it if someone bought it and used it year after year in the presence of people they care about."

meanwhile I'm over here like wow that gift sucks, it's way too brightly colored, too much sensory input for my tender eyes, throw it out
 

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Yeah, I'm gonna use this thread. I don't know if it's a whatever idea, but lilys did it, and she's smart and I don't wan't any bullshit, so why not here?

Oh goddammit, I fucking made a mistake about a stupidass picture. Eh, fuckit.

Greasy fucking pig slime gonna do whatever they want at they farm.

Spelling as intended.

Goddamned, J, a liter or whatever get you so fucked up you don't know where the fuck you are?

Well, at least I'm working that David Carradinegut down. I can have a sleeve of saltine crackers, crank a hundred pushups, and beat the shit out of you, you fucking punks.

That's almost angry.

I don't get angry,

i pick up a pencil and write like a fucking human being.
 

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There's a gas station in the town where I live and the owner sometimes brings his dogs there. Two Golden Retrievers. Sometimes, as I drive past the gas station, I glance at the glass door to see if there's a doggeh staring longingly out the window-door. If there is, then I'll sometimes stop there just to pet those two adorbsy w0ofies. X3
:kitteh:
And yes, I always boop their snoots. Always.
:tongue:
 

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my Fi is really happy about all that downright cruel bright-color Christmas gift-purging that I did the other day. because I discovered: when I'm surrounded by monotone greige in real life, my synesthesia activates in a really beautiful way. all last night and this morning every time I closed my eyes I saw a different color scheme and pattern that would have been harmonious with the greige surroundings. and all of them were so beautiful. most of them were presented to me like abstract art: not just colors but patterns too.

the color synesthesia is activated by touch and was lucky enough to spend the night with someone I care about a lot. feeling his touch and seeing... art.

I was planning to find some massive and stunning wall art for my living room but this experience was so beautiful that it actually makes me want to leave the walls empty. my imagination thrives in the absence of sensory input.
 

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my Fi is really happy about all that downright cruel bright-color Christmas gift-purging that I did the other day. because I discovered: when I'm surrounded by monotone greige in real life, my synesthesia activates in a really beautiful way. all last night and this morning every time I closed my eyes I saw a different color scheme and pattern that would have been harmonious with the greige surroundings. and all of them were so beautiful. most of them were presented to me like abstract art: not just colors but patterns too.

the color synesthesia is activated by touch and was lucky enough to spend the night with someone I care about a lot. feeling his touch and seeing... art.

I was planning to find some massive and stunning wall art for my living room but this experience was so beautiful that it actually makes me want to leave the walls empty. my imagination thrives in the absence of sensory input.
That's pretty cool .
 

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Oh, shit. I about had a heart attack.

Trouble in paradise!

What?

I didn't say one word.

Oh, as long as I'm here, eh, just a long-ass day of doing completely nothing. Fucking A, just get this weekend over and idiotic New Year's crap over.

Stuck in first gear, or reverse or something.

No, I don't care about responding or interacting, I'm just kind of miserable, like I should be singing some kind of low-down tune or something.
 

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What do they call it? Yeah, like that kind of expression where somebody will actually call you out in public, a perfect stranger, and say, "hey, did your wife just die?" It was either wife or dog, but yeah, that's a true story.

I guess the old moods kind of die hard, like you're stuck with them.

Well, whatever. Might as well enjoy them.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Non-interactive Fi goo thread rules already broken!
:laughing: :laughing: fire up the klaxons and page the wet-noodle brigade :laughing: :laughing:

i can't work myself out around this whole lifting/injury/rehab/not lifting thing. i miss it. i have zero interest in doing it. i miss having interest in doing it. and i worry and worry and feel pre-emptively sad, no matter how much i read about muscle misfiring and cns scrambling and all of that stuff when your brain knows some muscle is hurt and it buggers things up and shuts some muscles down on purpose, just to keep you from hurting it worse.

none of the know-all-this-helps. it still comes down to the same basic thing. i'm not deadlifting because the doctor told me 'no deadlifting'. and i don't mind not deadlifting because deadlifting got scary on me. it physically felt as if that tendon was more or less on its last legs. and it hurt. but that is just the spurious topsoil of what's really bothering me, underneath that: i don't know how to deadlift these days.

it really upsets me. it's stupid. it does. it doesn't matter right now whether i do 'know' how to do it or not, since i'm not doing it. but i can't leave it alone. i picked it as the best example because that was always the lift that made natural sense to my body, and those sensations that 'rightness' is made of feel like they just are not there anymore. idk, it's just hard beyond all belief, i suppose, to believe in the idea of 'one day you'll be healthy again, and when you're not getting pain signals that scramble your senses, things will feel different again'.

or maybe, or probably, what i really am is upset that i'm not not-getting those signals right now. it's only been 18 days, and i'm on a 60-day ban. so i try to see it all positively, with some projection like gee-if-things-are-this-much-better-on-just-18-days . . . but it's not working for me.

i've gotten far enough with the rehab and strengthening stuff that i'm losing my bearings about that as well. feel like i'm getting into a kind of no-idea-what-i'm-doing-here zone, that point where you've made enough progress to lose sight of the shore but there's not sign of a harbour either. i feel like there should be some kind of progression or i'm going to lose ground again, but i have no idea what kinds of progression to do and the whole thing is just one big messy garbagey bundle of pflegh.
 

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My sister is a super-fit, athletic type. At Thanksgiving, she was doing a ridiculously hard work-out. In a moment of madness I expressed interest. She said she would send me the DVD if I committed to actually doing it. I agreed. She sent the DVD for Christmas, with a note "You promised..."

Good God. It is impossible. I ache all over and barely did any of it. But if I don't do it, she will have scored major points in the old life-long sibling rivalry contest. And yes, we still keep score.

I am such an idiot sometimes.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
i hate this holding-pattern feel between dec 25 and the new fucking year. it's like the literal ball or whatever it is that they drop in times square or wherever it is.

except that it isn't a ball in my mind; it's a net. it's a net just like those things people stretch under the ceilings of their kids' rooms. and then they just hurl all the stuffies and other detritus up into it to get it all out of the way.

all the normal-life stuff that gets hurled up into that net from dec 17 onwards, or ish . . . it just sits in that net and it hangs over me. and i'm not even talking about any excesses i might[not] commit around xmas itself. i'm just talking bout regular life; stuff that isn't or never gets done 'because it's the holidays'. by this point in the end of the year, i always start feeling Teh Doom of that thing and how now that i'm good and well atrophied on the coping-skills front, someone is going to slash through that rope and the whole bundle of it's going to fall down on us.

idk. i mean, objectively of course, one reason why it does make me so tense is there's stuff in there that will mostly be a good thing and it's irking me now because it's just sitting up there. but it is hard to avoid that doom chicken little doom feeling too.
 

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Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to eventually become a patron of the arts / sciences. A few months ago, I donated some books I no longer use to a local library and I received meaningful expressions of thankfulness. Aside from being unexpectedly gratifying, I was wondering if, to a certain extent, my old dream is being fulfilled. :happy: :tongue: :proud:
 

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I feel tired and sad today. reminded that there are people out there who stubbornly try to blame the listener instead of just admitting they made a wording mistake.

Reminded of solid years that I spent trying so hard to be close to people who do that.

Reminded of all the times I kept telling myself that the solution was within my reach. Telling myself maybe if I admitted more of my own mistakes then they would start to follow my example. Telling myself that if I was flexible enough, if I listened harder, if I reached farther, if I took enough conflict resolution classes, then I could bridge the gap somehow and everything would suddenly be fine.

Reminded that it doesn't even matter how much skill I develop in that direction. Learning how to hold up a burning roof. If I hold the roof alone, then .... I'm still alone. Even with another person sitting right there next to me.

In the middle of that, my Fi said I should make myself a latte, and I did, and it was good.

perfect milk texture too... the kind that sticks to the side of the cup after I sip it.

latte art still needs work. The heart didn't work out today, so I made a mess.

 

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Here's a kind of off-the-wall thing -- I don't know if I want to pollute any further the stream-of-cn thread, and it's not that I reject any feedback, this just kind of seems the right place.

Well, it....yeah, to the extent it is kind of Fi, I suppose it should go here.

I'm very confused, somehow, when I get to talking with people and they don't conform to what I'd already assigned them to be -- you know, I think I'm a pretty good judge of character but also just a practical knower of what things people say (or at least have said) in the past.

I'd never say any of this out loud, in person, because it's really just a feeling I have, not very much cognitive content.

--oh, people above, no, it's not anything to do with you. while your forums confuse and frighten me, I have many things about which I feel the same way, and this belongs to the latter symmetric differenc....well, just let me say it doesn't have anything to do with you people.

No, it's strange, obviously I don't expect anyone to behave in a certain way -- and I don't care about my ego or feelings or anything -- I'm just confused when there's some kind of odd bits of communication.

It's probably the most profound form of confusion I know of. In part because there is no remedy, it's an irremediable style of communication breakdown [LED ZEP!!!!] that, eh, what are you going to do? Nothing.

It's just kind of upsetting, in a sort of....I think Hoffmann had a story about this, but also so many others particularly of the first half of the 19th C.

Yeah, yeah.
 

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Sometimes I see the practical utility in believing that people are fundamentally evil. I was never able to believe that no matter how hard I tried. My parents believed it, but I never could. Sometimes I wish I did believe it.

Because when you believe that people are fundamentally good, and then you encounter someone who doesn't fit that, you spend wayyyyyyyyyyyy toooooooo lonnnnnnnnnggggggggg trying to approach the situation from different angles, trying to get to the nugget of goodness within that other person that you think surely *must* exist somewhere. Draining your tank dry trying to find it, and coming up short. Even long after the grieving process is done... you spend wayyyyyyyyyyyy toooooooo lonnnnnnnnnggggggggg feeling depressed when you encounter anyone who reminds you of them.

Way too long feeling knocked to the ground by raw data that doesn't fit this "people are good at heart" belief system.

I'm talking about gaslighting, I suppose, although it feels weird to have a one-word name for it. One word glosses over the complexity of how difficult it is to exit that type of situation, for anyone who has lived through it.

I'm talking about people who choose insulting wording ... and then stubbornly refuse to admit that their wording was insulting but instead blame the person who heard it of mis-hearing them, even when that's clearly not the case.

People who make "talking it out" a living hell for the other person, but then blame every problem on the person who chose not to talk.

People who over-generalize and categorize others habitually and reflexively - and then when anyone points out how damaging that behavior can be, they deflect by accusing the person who pointed out their behavior of over-generalizing and categorizing them.

People who accuse and blame others for cutting them off - but they create a personal dynamic so hellish that the only way to preserve your sanity is to cut them off - even if it means listening to all of the "see, I knew it! you give up too easily!" comments that they had waiting in reserve for that moment.
 

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Insomnia is a lot more complicated than it seems on the surface. Not being able to fall asleep, right? Seems pretty simple.

Not at all. It's not just not being able to sleep; it's the continual buildup of sleep deprivation. It's the anxiety from the inability to control an important facet of functioning.

I hate feeling out of control of anything in my life, but this is pretty much the worse (except ear infections - those are definitely worse).
 

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I think having this thread is a good way to practice self-expression and honesty, but in a (relatively) civil and other-conscious way. Allows you room to air out your underpants without the risk of them becoming soiled or lost. Kind of an intermediary between total privacy and the 'unforgiving elements.'
Edited this out, but my previous metaphor was "house of glass," which I particularly liked.

Anyway. Heh, it seems like I've been going through overexposure in many facets of life recently. So much change and stress and shifts in attitude that I have one foot in the past and the other in the future.

-deep breath-

Not all bad, though. Super exciting, actually. One way or another, I get to see what I'm made of, and that's worth the price of admission.
So. Much. Energy.
Definitely sx first. Definitely.
 
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