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Feeling calm and happy today. I think the abstinence is having an effect. I’m down to a single vice. I can’t even remember the last time I’d say I’m ‘happy’. I’d ever conjure absent things in life, stressing out over how to achieve those things. Knowing I have no available options to act relieves the pressure. I guess I never needed those “missing” things in the first place. Letting go to open new possibilities in a sense. Unlike a depressive state where you give up trying or caring, it’s more that I’ll take care of it later, no rush. Not that I want to do nothing once I’m able, but if I can harness this approach, rather than constantly being a perfectionist slave to non-solutions, I’ll be in a better place. I sense appreciating being able as I am a little more too, & taking even the small things less for granted. Only takes one small error to end up like this. Thankfully I’m going to be able to recover this time. Focus.
 

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I have my full licence driving test tomorrow. I am so nervous I need to poop?....Or is that the period cramps? :sad:
 

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Yesterday, I got to cuddle and snuggle with two big woofy diggy doggos and today I got to cuddle and snuggle with three mewy purry kitty cattos! The doggy woofs shoved their snuggly snoots into my hands and nuzzled me and I scratched both of them behind their floppy ears and they wagged their fluffy tails. Both were Retreivers. One older red one with a gray "dog beak" (by that, I mean "muzzle") and one Golden. Coincidentally, I have some friends with two Retrievers that are the same combo, same colors, and pretty much the same age difference. Anyway, so that was yesterday. Today, there were three neighbor cats and they took turns hopping up on my shoulders (two at a time) and purring into my head, back, and shoulders. I snuggled and cuddled each of them in turn (when they weren't using me as a pedestal) and they were soft and they mewed and meowed and purred and purred and purrrred.

Mew Mew Purry Kitties!
:kitteh:
 

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I am not 100% open-minded.
I do not entertain what I consider to be wasteful nonsense, impractical guidance, and irrelevant or just plain unhelpful conspiracy theories.

I will admit when I am wrong.
But I am not completely open-minded. I don't have unlimited time on this planet to humor every new, time-suck of a concept that is thrown my way, only to be eaten alive with useless speculation of supposed outcomes that will in no way affect my goals. There are too many dishes to wash, days to plan, and enriching opportunities to seize.

I am selective. I choose between my options and face the consequences of the trade-off.
Take your shit to the forums, where it belongs.
 

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Hoo boy I just lectured someone big time and it felt good and justified. Problem is that I got too excited from defending my boundaries so it'll be hard getting back to sleep. Nothing like righteous anger and confidence to boost your self esteem. Ahhh~

Edit: Hm, on second thought all of this could have been avoided had I been more diligent. Maybe... or maybe they needed to hear the whole spiel at least once to form a foundation for further learning. Coulda sworn I'd already... well anywho this can now be used as a checkpoint in case further discontent arises.
 

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I believe I’ve shaken the last threats of spiralling into another fabled Ni-Fi loop. I’ve experienced moments reminiscent of the loop experience I had earlier in the year. I’m able to now recognise the symptoms & act accordingly to prevent it. Although I want to experience another loop at some point in the future, now isn’t the time to be exploring such things. I need to physically heal first, I’ve been through enough this last few weeks.
 

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I've been stuck in thought on the topic of identity for a few days after a mum friend posted something on IG about reconnecting with parts of herself that she forgot about. There's always a lot of chatter about finding your identity again after transitioning into motherhood but it goes deeper than that. It's more than just self care. What really is identity? What are those things that you think make you -you- and what happens when they are threatened.e and my physical self have a bad relationship and I can't help but notice that I overstate the importance of my physical identity as a part of my whole identity, proven by the absolute lack of coping skills I have when my body stops functioning as it should and the ED that has plagued me since the nineties. It goes beyond superficial insecurities of having a bit of flab here and there or being able to fit into a dress or whatever. It's the over identification of my whole person with the physical self.

It feels like I'm on the brink of some kind of aha moment. Pushing my body to extreme limits of my athletic abilities is just another way being overly attached to the physical self, perhaps in a less damaging way than the ED tends to manifest but it's still the same principle.

Not sure where to go from here with this but it's been an important realisation.
 

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My "kid" sister got a Boxer puppy with a smooshy face and I got to play with him and he has squishy jowls!
:kitteh:
And today when I got back from the grocery store, one of the neighbor cats was hanging out, so I picked her up and she purred and was soft!
:kitteh:
I wanna watch a nautilus documentary!
:kitteh:
Also, I think I'm manic right now.
:crazy:
 

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Discussion Starter #451
i just had to go into my ancient emails to try and pick up the details of who i talked to when and about what, in order to build this last affidavit for my buttface costs. i'm supposed to record all the different 'actions' i took.

it was all such a cluster-fuck at the time, and so much of my activity was so intermeshed with the non-billable issues of how to actually deal with the shit she had caused. so it's bad enough just trying to put my head back into all that from a macro level while i'm just sitting here typing and trying to pick out the stuff that was 'legal' from other stuff.

but when i look at the emails i can't cherry-pick. i get all of it. i was reporting on a daily basis at least to my sister and cousin, back then. every summary of every visit, every account of every interaction with him, every report on how he seemed to be doign and what he actually said. this is all stuff from the period where he was still out of his mind, AND she had just dropped all this legal abuse onto me. but worst of all is the way i'd forgotten that parallel to all that, i'd go see him, i'd leave and they would immediately re-poison his mind.

i got a sudden faceful of what it was actually like to get those rejections from him. not the strategic or legal or practical implications of it. the real, human impact. i disregard much of it now, since it all worked out okay. but reading it doubled me up.
 

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Currently in sweats, fuzzy slippers, sipping tea, and watching TV in a cute little English living room of the house I'm renting after a lovely weekend with my partner who I was long distance with for almost 4 years prior to moving last month. So nice to see him when I want (or when we both want, rather). I've been in the UK for a month. I go back to work at my new job tomorrow, my 3rd week, with great coworkers and having a fun challenge learning a new process here in my career. So content.

I have a little bit of "waiting for the other shoe to drop" because I've heard there's typically a honeymoon phase when one moves abroad and then you eventually go through a "down" phase. But so far this has been a good move, it feels like I got exactly what I wanted on multiple fronts. Of course, some things will be challenging and I expect that, but that's all part of it and don't think it would be anything super surprising.

All in all...ahhh nice. :)
 

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The neighbors' cuddly cats love to snuggle with meeee!!
:kitteh:


At least two of them like to perch on my back and shoulders, sometimes at the same time, and they purr and purr and purr non-stop. Mew Mew Purry Kitties!
:crazy:
 

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I've never really accepted that betrayal stops me because I guard so well against the possibility when it comes to individual behavior. But, what I haven't guarded against is systems of betrayal, where Newspeak makes the problem impossible to identify or confront without massive effort and contradictions along the way.

I was told the company I left was doing well. That things were in good working order now. That my replacement has taken what I started and helped it blossom. It's not true. I don't believe it when people tell me things like this anymore. I know it is the same story, that everyone is muddling through, putting on their performances, pretending they aren't full of shit. And if there was a word to describe what is at once relief, and wrath, and grief, and regret, all at once, I would choose that word.

As for why it is so bothersome, why it follows me like a ghost, I can only guess it is because I know how much some people want to believe in what they are doing. Intentions are all we really have to stand on when we're going to fail; designing our lives around failure, but coating it apologetically with lofty intentions and fragile egos.

Two young, female coworkers were talking about babies the other day, showing each other pictures of babies, discussing their desire to produce or raise particular kinds of babies, with very specific criteria: favorite colors of babies, favorite ages. Something about their tone, their confidence, was extremely off-putting, as if they had rights to the world they were fabricating for these imaginary infants.

I saw a couple at a restaurant shoving some kind of snack food in front of their one year old. The baby tried to hand the snack to his father, whom ignored him. After that, he threw the fist of food into his mouth, then released it onto the table in a white, wet pile. His mother dumped even more of the snack in front on him on top of the pile, and the kid shoved that in his mouth, spit it out, and made a bigger pile, head bobbing, tongue protruding, fingers curling, a mass of... new life. I could not understand why his parents watched him smear the food all over the table, and still gave him more.

I guess, what I'm trying to say, being all over the place here, is how deeply I feel like I'm in the wrong universe sometimes.
 

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Depression has killed any sense of time, and after cooking a nice meal I'm now in bed with a hot water bottle. The shrink says I can't go about things like work half-heartedly and INFJ says it's the curse of the NTJ to learn too fast.

I'm so used to being admired (Type 3 go figure) that now I'm taking some time off, I'm actually confused. I gotta build a future.
 

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I don't really have anything tying me here, so I had a thought to go traveling, soul-searching style. But then I realized that I'm not really interested in other places, so the "traveling" is more of an inside thing. I think what I crave is a change of pace, to be a different person than I am now. A new start. A chance to discard most of my baggage and get closer to the person I want to be.
 

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I took my INFP BFF's ISFJ daughter to her friend's house today and their two big dogs were in the driveway, almost as if they were waiting for us! Both Retrievers. One older and bigger red one with a gray face, the other a Golden. Both gorgeous. They woofed and wagged and shoved their faces into us and got petteded quite a bit.
:kitteh:
Interestingly, I have some friends with two Retrievers that are incredibly similar. One older and bigger red one with a gray face and a younger Golden.
 

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Years ago I played a game that was an intriguing experiment, even as it was a heart-wrenching. It was called "That Dragon, Cancer", and wasn't so much a game as a diary of a family's experience with losing their toddler to a rare form of cancer. The father was a game developer, and he made it essentially to process his grief. In an interview, he said the idea came to him from an early memory of trying to get his newborn to stop crying in the hospital. No matter what he did, he couldn't stop the crying, and he knew something was deeply wrong. As he became more and more desperate, praying, frustrated, helpless, the boy suddenly went quiet and fell asleep. He became inspired to make a game where you don't win, where you can't control what happens, all you can do is experience it.

I'm never going to be a parent. I'm aware there is a range of human experience and emotional depth I'll never know because of that. Yet, when my sick cat eats heartily and happily after days of refusing almost all food, it overwhelms me with a mix of relief, affection, gratefulness, and joy. It occurred to me that it might be a peek into what that father felt when his son finally fell asleep.

It makes no sense to love a cat so much, but it is probably the closest I'll ever get to what it is like to have a child.
 
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