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Idk what delusions or entitlement I'm harboring - I've seen and heard about people with seemingly comparatively worse situations - but why can't I ever catch a break? It's always just one thing after another, and the vehemence I have towards those who would sneer and belittle my issues doesn't help any. Discouraging people from feeling bad about their situation doesn't help anyone. If you feel bad, you feel bad. Even genuinely entitled brats aren't getting anything from someone just public service announcing it. That's what experience is for.

It's just... even with people who are in the same economic microcosm, I still look like shit. There's so much under the surface that's gone unaddressed for years and even the bags under my eyes have bags. At least other people seem to know how to have fun, but I've come from an emotionally-volatile codependent shell into a slightly less volatile slightly less codependent something. Maybe I've made tons of progress over the past year or so, but sometimes I can't feel it and I really want to. Pisses me off that I've grown accustomed to not getting what I want, even if it's right there in front of me. Even if it's practically begging me to take it, the desire had been ground out of me. For now, anyway. Hopefully.
 

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I had a job interview, I think it went well? I feel I won't get the job because of my lack of experience regardless of how well the interview went. Job hunting is difficult when you lack experience because you're trying to convince others that you can do something you've never done before. landing the interview has at least told me that I am noteworthy enough to be considered at all so that is nice.:distant:
 

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Having an argument with INFP about things that have been building up for years. It feels great in a closure sort of way although admittedly kind of scary. She's not handling it so well, though. Maybe I didn't need to sound so flippant about it. Kinda hard when rationale breaks down and it's just anger and stubbornness. She's kind of a pain in the ass sometimes, not like I'm any better.
 

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Being of a split-mind.

I enjoy running a business. I don't enjoy running a business with ESFP. Constant fallouts of communication, planning, tastes, priorities, etc... it hampers the resolve to organize and expand if partners cannot agree on a direction. I need a plan, but we can't make one that isn't immediately destroyed by ESFP's compulsion to pivot based on whims and short-term interests. I can't operate and flourish on a whim, at least, not to the level that ESFP can sometimes pull off (but more often doesn't and then doesn't admit it). I lose interest without seeing where we are ultimately headed, where she loses interest if she can't change her mind whenever she feels like it. The typological explanation of the dominant/inferior functions being 'swapped' shows what is so disturbing about the dynamic. We prod one another's weak and sore spots, but in some ways we complement one another. Is there something to be gained by this?

One side of me wants to throw in the towel, but if I back out, it would be a tragic waste of talent and opportunity. What is it worth is the question I can't seem to answer. I hate being unable to move forward without that answer.
 

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Discussion Starter #466
My dads house went on the market a few weeks ago and my cousin has just confirmed it's been sold.

ever since it was listed, he has been so much with me that I am actively, massively jealous of people who still have their very old people with them.

when i didn't have family, i never felt like this. that was just other people having something i didn't relate to at all, like and interest in flower arranging or a nightclub habit. but people who still have what i know i have lost... different deal.




i walked down to the grocery store after my cousins phone call tonight, and the couple preceding me through the turnstile were a man probably ten-fifteen years older than me and his super-old dad.

it's the literal truth that some part of me contemplated stealing that total stranger's father off him.
 

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Okay so I'm being too nitpicky. I can understand. That happens when I feel invested in someone, but I can take it too far. That's fine. But now I really just don't want to be invested at all anymore. I don't think it's fair to embellish the relationship until it no longer favors you, to make promises/deals then forget about them/flake on them, and distract yourself to the point that you can plead ignorance on anything. Yet I have to remember everything for you and hold you accountable when you deviate, and I'm treated as the "no fun friend" and kept out of the loop. Like, all of this would be fine if it didn't feel like I was being buttered up and lied to. You can't pretend to have something then proceed to not commit anything to the board and expect it to be all fine and dandy. It's a waste of other people's time and resources. Sure, not the end of the world, but I'm allowed to be dissatisfied. To call a spade a spade. If someone else says it's a club and don't like being corrected, then you might just have to let them think what they want. Sigh.
 

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It's almost as if there's two types of depression: one you have while being active, the other while being inactive. The first one was still kinda manageable, as I was socializing and partying a lot. The second one, which I'm going through now, is far worse as no matter what I do it feels pointless and hey, might as well stay indoors then (sleeping mostly). I'm at this point where it's really bad and basically everyone has said I need to stop acting normal for their sake. But I don't wanna burden them.

I'm at mom's house and found some copies of letters I sent to ESTP. I still remember that feeling of acknowledging, 'hey we belong together' rather than it being some silly crush. I found some notes of the kind things I'd forgotten he'd said. It's been three years now and I want to talk to him, but what is there to say when you don't trust each other? Really, it's more a pride thing that I want to bury the hatchet.

I'm away from INTP for a week. It sucks but it's given me time to think about some important things we have to discuss. (And I don't mean a 'we need to talk'... :tongue:)
 

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I've been trying to 'meditate' as they say. There are supposed benefits in helping to calm oneself, improve focus, or become more 'present.' Off and on I've explored this practice, and every time it goes awry. Most of the time, when people say they have trouble with meditation, it is 'mind-wandering' or growing restless or bored. I'm the opposite - I fall hard into it. When I purposefully stop the 'dialogue' of the mind weird things happen and I start processing in images. The worst is the guided meditations that explicitly direct visualization.

One meditation asked to visualize my emotional state. The 'image' that spontaneously arose was a vast, flat beach. The sand was sopping, the kind that sinks under heels, that grabs your feet, but there was no ocean in view to justify it. The emptiness and desolation suspended the moment, arrested me in a place that should never be so quiet. I later recognized it as alluding to the seaside town where someone important to my life died seven years ago.

The meditation was supposed to be calming. I was supposed to come out of it feeling refreshed. Yet whenever I've tried to meditate it is like an invitation for nightmares, and these images becomes seared into my waking life for a very long time.
 

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Despite being on the INTJ forum for so long, I still don't "get" us. It seems like everyone else has a clearly defined niche and we, or just myself, is kinda... 'there'. I want to be good at something, to be of use, to have a purpose. It's like we're ENTJs but less... productive, INTPs but less industrious, INFJs but less socially aware and nurturing. I don't see where we fit, or I'm undervaluing the things we excel at. And reading descriptions is frustrating because they say we're depressed and fatalistic and neurotic and socially inept, all of these things that seem undesirable right now. Ugh. I know it's not supposed to matter. It should be fine living for the sake of it, but I can't let this go. Why? Why even bother when you're the only one propping yourself up? Surviving for no reason other than you have nothing better to do is too sad. There's no satisfaction in it. What if what you have to offer is valuable, but no one else can see why it's valuable? Isn't it no better than being worthless? Guess it has to prove itself, then, but if you're the only one to benefit from it and no one else understands why... that's it. It doesn't have to benefit anyone else. The only reason it would is if you wanted to gain something from it... recognition. External validation that you were right all along. Retribution of some kind. Pride.

So the resolution is to let go of other expectations and opinions. No more other-imposed burdens. No more shame. Live for yourself and what you love. Unapologetically. That's freedom.
 

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Interesting ground rules. I would say I have a hard time seeing how they help, but that's not really true at all. For everything I end up posting on this site, I think I end up deleting 1 or 2 posts in which I make a resolution for myself and decide to keep it private. The process helps me... well, process. A wise INTJ thread. Seems characteristic of the type.
 

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This is probably gonna sound like a super edgy stereotypical INTJ rant but I've been diagnosed with high functioning autism and honestly don't understand how most other people function.

After awhile now of interacting with others and making social faux pas which likely affect my social standing, I'm coming to realize that most people are comparatively weak. Not really in a demeaning sense, but that they can't handle observations that don't come off as "friendly" and "positive". There's a lot of emphasis on preserving a certain "vibe" or flow in conversation where everyone feels good, but to me that looks shallow and escapist. Yeah I'm not very fun at parties, I understand. I can probably accept being alone the rest of my life, having pets to keep me company, etc.

It's just difficult for me to watch people avoid solving their issues and then complain about problems that arise from not being fixed. I'm familiar with nihilistic optimism. Everything is meaningless so what matters is how you spend the time you have. It's hard knowing that I may not be able to participate in being flawed and "human" like that due to my innate perfectionism. Can't tell if I'm being hypocritical with this or not. This doesn't have a solution because it isn't really a problem. It's just... something irrational.
 

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Last night, I dreamed it was sum-sum-summertime and I found a bumpy toad, so I picked up the bumpy toad, flipped the bumpy toad over, and tickled the bumpy toad's belly!
:jazz:
 

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I've had to cancel my last two trips to Aus - the first for personal reasons and the second because of this virus.

Partner got his Visa and is currently seeking work. Me and the children are applying as soon as he finds it. Amid this crisis, though, we may not get to move for a much longer while than "awhile" was to begin with.

I know it's terribly selfish of me, but I wish that we had moved to Aus before this whole thing started. I feel really bummed about it.
 

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Discussion Starter #475
my programmer friend woke me up this morning by saying john prine had died and she was terribly sad. i've known this woman better than any other friend for more than 20 years now and it's never once crossed my mind to expect she would know who he was. that kind of sums him up for me. you don't mention him because you always assume nobody else would have heard of him. and then you find out just about half the world does.

so today the choir gang did a zoom session and i'm feeling mixed up and wrangy and pissed, because of course of course there was a john prine moment. and of course that moment was angel from bloody montgomery. so it was mixed feelings. i found it genuinely comforting to be among so many other people who did know him and were all equally sad. and it was wranginess and grievus interruptus because I wanted us to sing please don't bury me. i assumed that we would. i mean, i thought it would be obvious. what else would you sing but that one to acknowledge the death of john prine? but no. angel from montgomery, which might be great storytelling. but it isn't john prine. because it's great storytelling it isn't him.
 

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Fuck it. I am past the point of shutting down with this. I am past the point of anger. I am going to fucking destroy him. 4 years of letting him do whatever he wants, of letting him underestimate me, of letting him dictate the shots, of letting him take what he wants from me. This was the very last straw. Let's see how he reacts once he really sees me retaliate. I am beyond furious. Let the game begin.
 

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I saw the first bee of the year (for my eyes, that is) about a week ago and a butterfly just a couple days after that. The bee was a carpenter bee and the butterfly was a cabbage white butterfly. I saw the same kind of butterfly yesterday and the same kind of bee today.
 

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I'm in some kind of nirvana, where hell is sticky sweet and paradise is never sweet enough.
The kind where I chop fruit, lounge pool-side, and sulk loudly when my hand isn't held as tightly or as often as I want.
The kind where even the angriest, most passionate moods succumb to the blissful dullness of routine; of "time to make dinner," "better prep for bed," and "let's plan to be spontaneous on Sunday."
I never thought I could fall in love with routine like this. It makes me sick how happy it makes me.
 

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Talking to a therapist now and as long as they can let me talk I'll be able to let fly all the overwhelming shit I've been putting up with for years that has been behind the scenes and thus purely conjecture. I'm not going to get my hopes up. I'm just going to take full advantage of the opportunity presented to me and not expect anything further. There's so much I've kept bottled up, hidden from everyone and even myself because I never thought it would be resolved. If you can't fix it, then forget it. But even if I forgot it, I still couldn't move on because the wounds wouldn't heal until I sat down and took it apart piece by piece. Seeing how fucked up things really were and how little I could comprehend it due to my naivety. Naivety that was preserved, encouraged on purpose. I'm not even going to keep going. Just done.
 

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Today, I found a cute bumpy toad, so I petteded the bumpy toad and the bumpy toad was soft. Kinda felt like a textured water balloon. Then I let the bumpy toad go and the bumpy toad hopped away and continued to be bumpy and soft.
😊
Is there such a thing as backwards milk?
:geek:
 
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