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Nice article on love, being wanted, and revealing your emotional side:
The One Who Cares Less >>

"I’ve often heard that people only start wanting you when they think that you don’t want them. It’s true; I’ve lived by it. Whether its business or friendships or especially romantic relationships, the person who cares less always seems to be the person who has the most power. At least that’s what it might feel like for the person that cares more. But I question whether this is true or not.

I have been called the, “queen of not giving a shit.” One of my many talents is that I am really good at both not actually caring, as well as acting like I don’t care. Just yesterday, some girlfriends and I were talking about boys and I quoted Almost Famous as my romance mantra, “If you never take it seriously, you never get hurt.” And it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve ultimately come off as cynical about relationships. People think it stems from really not caring; on the contrary, it stems from the fear of caring too much.

I know how to be the person who doesn’t text back, who doesn’t call back, who waits for the guy to make the first move, and who acts like I couldn’t care less whether he does or he doesn’t. Being this person comes natural to me because I have convinced myself that being the other person comes with too much potential damage. And I do think to an extent it does. I may never have truly had my heart broken, but I’ve known people who have; I’ve been there for them. And that shit isn’t fun. It’s depressing and devastating and oftentimes a really long journey to returning to being okay.

But the thing is I think people who put themselves out there; people who let you know they care a lot – I think that they have the right idea. I think the human heart especially when it’s young, is really resilient. I think that the journey to being okay when one’s heart has been broken is a journey that is usually worth facing even when love hasn’t done what you wanted. But when you’re the one who cares less, who apparently doesn’t care at all, you’ll go never go on this journey because you’ll convince yourself that you don’t need to. You convince yourself that you’re fine even when you’re not.


What people don’t seem to realize about the person who cares less or acts like they care less is that they’re usually the one who ends up being hurt the most. It is human to want love and to want to be taken care of and to want to take care of someone else. To deny that, is simply to deny one’s humanity. Being the “queen of not giving a shit” doesn’t make one healthier or stronger or wiser or cooler or even happier. It just makes you feel less human.

If you feel like you care too much or feel too much or love too much, remember that the alternative is worse. Because if you don’t tell people and show people that you do care, that you do have feelings for them, that you do love them, how the hell are they supposed to know?

So I suppose you can go through life thinking that eventually someone will break down all the walls that you’ve put up, because you don’t want anyone to know how much you can care; how much you can love. But life is short and people are busy. And maybe when the right person comes along, maybe they’ll see right through you. Maybe. But if you keep telling yourself that you don’t care, maybe you’ll also start believing it and you won’t even be able to see your person when you find them. So get out while you can and start giving a shit; and if your heart breaks, let it break. Because it’ll be okay. You will be okay."

...thoughts?
 

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If finding "the one" is important to a person, then I agree with the author's advice. You will only get out of a relationship what you are willing to put into it. That means dropping the walls and opening up to people.

However, she makes some annoying assumptions that all seem to be based off this line:

It is human to want love and to want to be taken care of and to want to take care of someone else. To deny that, is simply to deny one’s humanity.
I deny that quite readily. I'll grant that most (not all) humans want to be loved and taken care of. It's incredibly naive though to claim that all humans want to love and take care of someone else.

Had the author kept it personal, I would be more forgiving, but she's trying to project her experience onto everyone else. She's writing from the assumption that anybody who claims not to care is either lying or missing out on something. Yes, some people do wear the "I don't care" mask in an attempt to escape heartache. Yes, those people likely will end up being hurt more in the long run. The article applies well to these people.

However, there are also people who truly don't care. The assumption that everyone wants to find someone is just more of the usual LifeScript bullshit. If a person is indifferent to finding a long-term relationship (re: "cares less"), they're not "less human" and they're not missing out on anything. They've simply chosen a different path. For them "not giving a shit" actually does make them "healthier or stronger or wiser or cooler or even happier."

Apart from all that, it's a nice article :p
 

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Nice article on love, being wanted, and revealing your emotional side:
The One Who Cares Less >>

"I’ve often heard that people only start wanting you when they think that you don’t want them. It’s true; I’ve lived by it. Whether its business or friendships or especially romantic relationships, the person who cares less always seems to be the person who has the most power. At least that’s what it might feel like for the person that cares more. But I question whether this is true or not.

I have been called the, “queen of not giving a shit.” One of my many talents is that I am really good at both not actually caring, as well as acting like I don’t care. Just yesterday, some girlfriends and I were talking about boys and I quoted Almost Famous as my romance mantra, “If you never take it seriously, you never get hurt.” And it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve ultimately come off as cynical about relationships. People think it stems from really not caring; on the contrary, it stems from the fear of caring too much.

I know how to be the person who doesn’t text back, who doesn’t call back, who waits for the guy to make the first move, and who acts like I couldn’t care less whether he does or he doesn’t. Being this person comes natural to me because I have convinced myself that being the other person comes with too much potential damage. And I do think to an extent it does. I may never have truly had my heart broken, but I’ve known people who have; I’ve been there for them. And that shit isn’t fun. It’s depressing and devastating and oftentimes a really long journey to returning to being okay.​


The one who cares less are less dependent on the partner. The one who cares more tends to give off clingy and needy vibes; they are so dependent that without their partner in the picture, they can not find (I've said it before) "their own ass with two hands and an ass map." Now that is a bit extreme and the other types got offended when I stated it in a different thread, but it's true because the other types do get too lost in the feelings and emotions. We have feelings, we may question them, but we never get lost in them.
 

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It doesn't really work.

I've had stages in my life where I didn't care at all and had almost no emotion - I didn't express any. I distanced myself also. This combo is unbeatable for putting people off...a recipe for disaster. No matter how much we may find people annoying, bad, stupid, ugly or whatever, no man is a lone island...if nothing else it will ruin your business opportunites and leave you penniless in slums with lost of even worse people.

As for douchebags and the cool people...I find that emotions most people harbor are shallow and temporary, their 'passions' are malicious. And I don't know what draws them to the cool guys...desire for conquest maybe? An illusion of strength and superiority?
 

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I know how to be the person who doesn’t text back, who doesn’t call back, who waits for the guy to make the first move, and who acts like I couldn’t care less whether he does or he doesn’t. Being this person comes natural to me because I have convinced myself that being the other person comes with too much potential damage.
Not just damage > A lack of control over the situation.

The right person that came along didn't break down the walls or looked right through the defenses: he didn't even realize they were there. The ones that saw the defenses and tried to break them down > they always failed.

Not caring or refusing to care has gotten me through rough times in life. It's a coping mechanism that works. But having learned when to apply that coping mechanism and when not to has surely improved my life on an emotional level.
 

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i think showing emotion is weak. Every time i show emotion it never works. i guess you can say im protecting myself from being hurt but so far i been doing good with life. I only have one friend that is close to me but i can feel him moving away from me but im not mad about it. i know its just temporary & shit will get better. People are not worth to care about...
 

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i think showing emotion is weak. Every time i show emotion it never works. i guess you can say im protecting myself from being hurt but so far i been doing good with life. I only have one friend that is close to me but i can feel him moving away from me but im not mad about it. i know its just temporary & shit will get better. People are not worth to care about...
Showing emotion is odd. When you are making friends it works great, but the second it is a potential romantic relationship; they run away like you are the plague, if you show any sort of emotion. Perhaps this is the idealization that we have created when it comes to romance, whereas friendships don't have anywhere near the same amount of pressure.

Reminds me of this: DOGHOUSE | Guyology: Lesson 1

 

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So it is the idealized human who wants to love and be loved, huh? Would it be more so that one who doesn't need absolute love simply isn't "human" to the blogger, implying a weakness, or that he is above humanity? I can see the difficulty for most people to imagine living in a vivid world full of life alone.

I have always valued a disciplined self and I understand the use of emotions, to be controlled. I am aware that I can come off as apathetic to some but the truth is not that I am devoid of emotions, but well disciplined. Emotions may simply be excess products of the vast human intellect, but hold well as tools. My ambition and passion can definitely be supplemented by emotional intensity. The primary difference between me and the common guy who wants something is that I am typically much more aware and controlled. I suppose it is this that comes off as detached when observed superficially, that I don't smile and release my feelings for the world to pervert. It is all for me.

I have done well to show concern when socializing though. Furthermore, I often present my persona with easygoing or even awkward characteristics. This makes me much more approachable and likable whilst maintaining my comfort within an introverted nature. But I feel that is all the emotion to me, knowing how to leave certain impressions to ease my social life and make it interesting. I only truly care about my little brother of anybody, and that is because he has the potential I don't see in others. He is a separate vessel of blood and mind that stems with me. Other than that, I only find interest in people, and of many people, never found myself to truly love any. I hold disdain for those who "try" to not care, as it is pretty obvious. It is a weakness to be in their place. I suppose I truly do not want to become dependent on people, and generally do not need to. When one knows how to truly love the self, body and mind in good spirit, and that of the world's grace, he does not need the love of others to enrich his own soul. And I know I cannot be alone in search for a world that makes sense in the simplest but most meaningful way possible, to understand that truths and lies coincide, as the means to a grand conquest.
 

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Those who actually don't care usually have reasons. It's not a puberty phase or a hip shit shirt to wear. Like when you know something will never change, why would you give a shit and then feel shitty afterwards for it? Or when you know someone will hurt you not specifically intentionally could be the fact that you will only see them for few days and then never again. Why would you allow yourself to give a shit and care MORE for that person when you know they won't be there anymore once you're already attached to them? Just for the record, I live in the moment, that's why I don't give more shit then needed. If someone deserves to be cared about, they will be. Anywhos, Letting them know is of course a good idea in case they are blind.
 

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i think showing emotion is weak. Every time i show emotion it never works. i guess you can say im protecting myself from being hurt but so far i been doing good with life. I only have one friend that is close to me but i can feel him moving away from me but im not mad about it. i know its just temporary & shit will get better. People are not worth to care about...
Dude, you are gonna be one mistaken guy when you grow old, if you don't shape up by then. Are you dead serious? People aren't worth caring about?? Gosh, I don't think I can take this crap from any more ignorant people….
 

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I dont know if her article appeals to me. I can't help but get cynical when the punchline is "allow yourself to feel and love and bla bla bla". Im sure she has come to a sound conclusion which is valid for herself, just not sure that it is valid for everyone else too.
 

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You can shield yourself as long as your suitors aren't good enough. Then the magic key to your lock will show up, and your lock will be a primitive one indeed, shaped more by childhood trauma and adult phobias than a healthy understanding of relationships acquired through trial and error, practice and experience. It will break open as if it were made of butter. You will fall for the worst possible person, to the greatest possible extent, like I did.

There is honor is moving towards possible pain with your hopes intact and facing your fears. It is the only strong and honest way. This is how I live. It is not for everyone. But do not think that there is something you can do, or think, that is going to defend you against what is out there. The human condition is one of vulnerability. The question is what you trade your pain for.
 

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loving a partner and ''being in love'' what ever the fuck that means, are two separate subjects. being a confirmed bachelor and only cohabitating with two females for a grand total of six months in my 35 years of dating has made me realize that all types are not suited for long term relationships. I have loved and deeply cared for many of them but not enough to live/marry them, I just cannot deal/understand with the excess and range of emotions they constantly display and the illogic train of thought of ''if you won't marry me then I will dump you''. I have never been hurt and only feel relieved once I regain my freedom but alas it is my destiny and free will which keeps me single, as INTJ's we do love but we just don't emote our feelings enough to satisfy other types
 

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I don't think that emoting is prerequisite, or symptomatic, of love. Love is non-emotional: it's a commitment of the will to the good (ethical standard, honor, etc.). Love can be personal, such as committing to the good of oneself, another person, ones family, etc., but it doesn't have to be. I think a lot of *NTJs find meaning and satisfaction in the work they do--they can see how that work translates into tangible good in a broader context, and I think that is a spendid form of love. *NTJ sister-in-law went into anesthesiology because she "really couldn't stand working with patients." Nonetheless, she does a kick-ass job in what she does--which contributes directly to the health and well-being of other people.

I think the hard part can be allowing emotional intimacy to develop, for which vulnerability is requisite. A life without emotional intimacy can still be satisfying, but static and solipsistic compared to the prospect of being deeply understood by another, and loved anyway. I think the OP's point is a correct one: emotional intimacy can't happen without risk. If someone wants it, they have to expose themselves to it.

Consider the chick flicks in which she treats him like dirt, sets up a massive and impenetrable defensive parameter against him, and then at the end he still finds her attractive (!!!), miraculously reads her mind, and says everything she wants to hear in order to make her go all weepy and kissy. Doesn't happen too often in real life.

Even the most manically pixie-headed ENFP dream girl can give it her all against a peculiarly misanthropic INTJ, who, indeed, is likely adorable, but she cannot succeed unless he lets her in. I've noticed that a lot of INTJs tend to fear-rationalize to the exclusion of opportunities (INTJ husband does this a lot in playing poker, for instance), including sometimes stabbing to death beautiful opportunities for intimacy.

To be honest, DH wasn't really all that emotionally open to me during the first years of our marriage. I think for him it was more that we worked well together, we got on well, could communicate effectively, shared similar values, etc. I certainly emoted at him a great deal, and he thought it was cute, etc. but he wasn't likely to disclose personal fears, anxieties, vulnerabilities. He's more comfortable doing so with me now, but even now I feel like there's a sieve through which his feelings have to pass in order to reach me. Does it bother me? No. I still hope to grow closer to him in time, but I realize that it will take some doing on my part as well as on his. I think this is the reality of most relationships--intimacy isn't something that just happens from one day to the next, nor is it something which can be forced. Emotional intimacy is generally the reward of prolonged effort to establish trust, incremental risk-taking, and patience.

He took the considerable risk, however, of legally tethering himself to me regardless of my eventual merit. True enough, a lot of committed relationships end up with failed or flagging emotional intimacy. Nonetheless, the chance of success for these futile attempts far exceeds the non-existent chances of not trying. Generally, one can only be as successful as the risks one takes--or, "Fortune favors the bold."
 
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