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I drive a blue tricycle with a gold bell.
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The PerChronicler - The Tarantula Edition​
Edition 6 - Wednesday May 20, 2020 -

Important disclaimer

The opinions and views expressed in The PerChronicler are those of a deranged ENTP editor and members of the community. They may not reflect the views of Personalitycafe itself, or the views of the moderators (who are absolutely not lizard people) or of VerticalScope, or the demanding opinions of the otters (who despite spending so much time in water don't have blubber and rely on fur to keep them warm...dumb otters). It's also not true that you can buy off the editor, probably.

What is The PerChronicler and why was it created?
The PerChronicler is a weekly "newspaper" for the forum...well if you print it, which I'm not suggesting. I was procrastinating doing something I needed to do when I thought, "hmm you know what should exist? Area 51 tours through SpaceX travel agency, playing risk with actual countries, and a newspaper for personality cafe that has member contributions (such as comics, artwork, recipes, opinion pieces, poems, crafts, chest hair submissions, etc) guest articles, A link to a "thread of the week", some basic world news for the INTPS who don't go outside (I got you), polls, member interviews, auditions for a PerC mascot, a "ban of the week" category (which is satire and if you do stupid things to be banned won't be appreciated by the seven people who are going to read this, so the joke would be on you), A member spotlight, any info from PerC that should be passed along, etc." Surprisingly, neither SpaceX, Elon Musk himself, The US Air-force, or any world leaders have responded to my messages...yet, but the PerC mods said that's a pretty good idea so here we are.

You've included the "What is this and why was it created?" post in the last three editions... How long were you planning on doing that?
Until it takes off. Whatever, you're not my real mother. I don't have to listen to you.

How can I submit something?
Do you want to list your top favorite cheeses and you want everyone to know that you think American cheese in single packages is the best tasting, most beautiful option? Or have you read a book you want to recommend, be interviewed, talk about an area or interest or expertise? Are you extremely passionate about the Dancing Plague of 1518? Do you want to publicly ask me for terrible advise? Perfect! Send me a PM with the subject title "Newspaper" and we'll get you on a future edition (all forum rules do still apply). This is as interactive as you want it to be! The sky (and my attention span) are the limit!

Thread of the week:

The feedback thread. They took our clunky, outdated, wonderful, slow, impossible to use the search bar, crazy emoji having, Notifications that didn't go away (I'm looking at you @DudeGuy visitor message that regularly popped up for three years) forum and updated it! HOW COULD THEY? Also, what are the premium forum options?! Is it just one guy eating caviar in a top hat and white gloves, rolling in gems, talking to himself because no one else has paid the 20 a year to join? I must know.... I may have to pay 20 to see if it's caviar guy. If not, I must become caviar guy.
I think Oscar shares most of our sentiments:

Endless hours of entertainment on this thread. Mock them for removing our trash. It was trash, but it was OUR trash.

Art work by perc member of the week

I'm really happy someone made something enjoyable to look at so I could stop with my shadow puppet exhibit! Thank you, @Surreal Breakfast

Our depressing Dutch poem translated to English of the week
(you know that segment we've been doing this entire time... I'm not sure why you don't remember...)

When I see a mourner passing

My heart jumps with such a glee

I think then of how soon he will

Go forth in mourning for me

The original is by Piet Paaltjens

All mbtis on day 60th of quarantine

Member/Mod of the week

Once again, @Cherry (formerly Frankly My Dear) is in the news as the member of the week. What did she do this time? Well, we can't actually tell you. Lets just say it involved wormholes, sandworms, and humanity and earth as we know it have been preserved thanks to her efforts to our salvation. So thank you, Cherry. We at PerC thank your for our continued existence!

Failed arctic expedition of the week

Next in our series of moralistic tales of failed lighter-than-air arctic exploration: the Salomon August Andrée of Sweden.

Have you ever been a bored patent clerk with an interest in science? You've basically got two options, invent the theory of relativity, or die on the North Pole. Unfortunately, dear Salomon August Andrée got the second.

Andrée lived in an interesting time. The first thing you should know was that while Norway was ruled by Swedes, it was Norwegians who got around to doing a lot of cool arctic exploration. This made the King of Sweden (who was also the King of Norway, but he didn't like it as much) quite jealous. The second thing you should know is that no one in Sweden knew a lot about balloons.

This perfect storm of patriotism and bad ballooning resulted in Salomon August Andrée getting a massive sum of money to buy and equip a balloon with his own designs. This balloon was to travel from the north Atlantic island of Spitsbergen to the North Pole, and from there to Russia or Canada. Now, the main reason balloons never quite took off as a method of transportation is that people really prefer it if they can choose where their vehicle takes them. Andrée believed he had solved this problem by using ropes dragged along the ground, combined with sails, to steer his balloon left and right of the wind direction. Unfortunately, he was wrong. That's not how balloons work.

Without experienced ballooners to verify his experience, Andrée did not realize his measurements were false, and his test flights were actually flying over the Baltic sea instead of the Swedish land. This was further compounded by his unwillingness to admit that balloons, at the time, were inherently leaky. He was so afraid of disappointing the king and the Swedish patriots that he secretly topped his balloon up with hydrogen. This made it seem less filled with tiny holes than it was.

The day of the expedition, Andrée's balloon immediately revealed itself to be overloaded, resembling a boat more than an airship, dipping its basket in the water. This caused many of the steering ropes to detach, and the passengers to dump ballast. This combination then caused the balloon to rise to great height, around 700 meters (27500 inches if you're American). This was fine for traveling some distance, as the winds picked at the balloon.

Unfortunately, this exacerbated the second problem, as the great height caused the balloon to leak even more. And while the basket was drying, the cloth balloon became soaking wet from the accumulated arctic weather. This solved his 'flying too high' problem, but led back to the initial 'not flying' problem. After 46 hours the balloon came to a, by all accounts gentle, final landing several hundred kilometers away from civilization. Their remains were found forty years later, on a rarely visited island of Spitsbergen. A cause of death was never determined.

Moral of the story: Don't try to design a balloon while high on patriotism

Further reading: this lovely website run by professional arctic enthusiasts. Prism - Salomon August Andree Mystery

Book of the week

Small Gods. As a standalone book in the Discworld series, it's a perfect introduction to the amazing fantasy world created by the late Terry Pratchett. The world of Discworld is created as a satire of the real world, mixing fantasy and mythology elements with real world elements to hold up a mirror to our own society and giving a new perspective on real world issues, all with a great dose of humor.

Game of the Week
The game of the week is Stellaris, mostly because we happened to see this video and thought it was pretty funny:

Stellaris is a grand strategy game made by Paradox, master of the grand strategy games such as Crusader Kings II and Europa Universalis IV. In it, you control a space-faring civilization through it first steps in the cold blackness of space up to domination of the entire galaxy, provided you don't get wiped out by one of the many other civilizations already occupying the galaxy.

Stellaris got a new DLC on May 17, called Federations, which in true Paradox style changed a whole bunch of core mechanics, this time focusing mostly on diplomacy. Once you've met a bunch of other civilizations, you'll get to join a space UN. If you're lucky, your version of the space UN will bring you prosperity and allies against potential other hostile civilizations or federations. Of course, just like real life, there's plenty of room for inner strife as well and diplomatic relationships have to be cultivated more carefully than before.
At least, so I've read. It's been over a year since I last played the game myself, but it was fun then and I don't doubt that Paradox has managed to improve upon the game a lot since then.

Game news
In case you missed it, or forgot about it after not being able to get it because Epic's servers crashed, GTA V is still available for free at the Epic Game Store until May 21st:

The Epic Game Store also has a big sale going on, with a lot of recent games getting 35-75% off, plus an extra 10 dollars/euros if the game is 14.99 or more after discounts. They purposefully made The Witcher 3 14.98 though, just so you can't get that extra 10 off, the bastards. Assassin's Creed Origins however is exactly 14.99, so it can now be bought for only 4.99, which is almost 92% off.

Questions were actually sent in (YAY).
This segment will be called...

Questions for the editor

Dear editor,
I found a tarantula in my bananas. What should I do with it? Please respond urgently.

Great question! First, let me just say that a weekly forum newspaper is obviously the best place to ask this, especially as you did, with days until publication instead of going through another channel, so props there! Second, it really depends on the type of tarantula. Grammostola rosea? You have a new buddy! yay! Cyriopagopus lividus? eh, well, you also have a new buddy, but by buddy I probably mean roommate that hates you, but it's doable. A Haplocosmia spp? They actually need cold, unlike most tarantulas. That's pretty cool, but good luck with the care. Queensland Whistling Tarantula? What you're going to do is move out, immediately. It's nice you gave the tarantula a home, but it doesn't want to keep you on as a roomate. Get out, NOW.

Dear editor,
How would I best go about invading Denmark?
Asking for a friend.

I'm just going to pretend that you're asking about how to invade Norway, as I already have a pretty good plan for that.

1.) Be Sweden
2.) Declare war on and enter Norway
3.) Immediately surrender and declare that you belong to them and they are now responsible for your problems.

Dear editor,
Are these real questions, or are you writing these yourself?

Ironically this was sent in (as were all of these, actually), you little shits.

Dear editor,
What is your opinion of the Argentinian debt crisis?

I propose we freeze the entirety of Argentina until we've reached the utopia as shown in the Star Trek series, where all of humanity has finally united and rid ourselves of such silly things as "debt" or "money".

Dear editor,
How do I filet a tubeworm?

First, they don't have bones. However, if you're really craving bacteria filled flesh, don't let me stop you! Call up marine biologist Peter Girguis. He and his colleagues ate some tubeworm. He described this experience by saying, "It had the texture of hot dogs with match heads ground in." Delicious!
He probably has a good filleting recipe. Maybe you should figure out how to remove sulfur first as he also said, "If it weren't for the sulfur, who knows, they might even be tasty."
More on disgusting dinner: Strange Eats: Scientists Who Snack on Their Research
More on tubeworms:

Dear editor,
What's your favorite tarantula?

obviously the one you found in your bananas. If you don't mean individually I'm torn between Haploclastus psychedelicus and Avicularia avicularia.

Dear tarantula,
What's your favorite editor?

I was going to make a joke that your banana tarantula obviously bit you and you were having hallucinations, but as you're asking about a tarantula and not an amphibian, this seems less likely. Just going to leave this here: 5-MeO-DMT - Wikipedia BUT DON'T DO TOAD!

Back to your original question, I am not a tarantula, so I cannot answer this. I did ask a tarantula for their opinion. It stood up, flung urticating hairs from it's abdomen, so it's safe to say it is not me.

Dear editor,
What shakespeare play should I have my four-year old memorize?

Ah, good, finally an easy question. I'd recommend having them memorize As You Like It. It's got it all, humor, meta humor even... there's a play with in a play. AND references to myths of the ancient world. It's meta, so very meta, perfect for a four year old, really.

Dear editor,
Alexa, please dim the lights.

Enjoy "Dim the lights" by Sia:

Dear editor,
What's the worst airline?

I was going to say WOW, but no it's probably one of these: The 2019 List Of The Most Dangerous Airlines In The World

Dear editor,
My boyfriend keeps peeing in our yard. How do I get him to stop?

Ask him to stop. If he doesn't listen to basic request or disregards them then I guess spray him with water each time he does it?

Dear editor,
How do I let my husband believe this tarantula I bought actually came for free with some grapes, and that we should keep her?

That kind of thing does happen all the time! Why just earlier another reader asked what to do with a tarantula that arrived in their bananas. Why not just be honest with your husband? If he is afraid of spiders what he doesn't know won't hurt him. Telling him there is a terrarium under the bed for Bendi the Brachypelma smithi probably won't go over well, so don't tell him. Keep her a fun secret. Joke about checking under the bed for monsters, etc. If he finds her five years from now, just calmly inform him how long she's been there so obviously there's no need to worry.

Dear editor,
My roommate keeps referring to me as his boyfriend, and also complains too much, what should I do?

It depends how you found the roommate, how long you've known them, and what your relationship is like.

Is this someone you met on Craigslist and they charged grilled cheeses for rent? No worries, you can move out and tell them they're weird.

Is this your good friend that you've gone to college with and watch shows with on the weekends? Well, sorry to inform you, but you're in a relationship now. Anything else would be far too awkward. Just go with it. You're probably an intp or intj. I think this is how you people usually get into relationships, anyway.

Dear editor,
I have lost the ability to communicate in anything other than questions to the editor. How do I make it stop?

If you notice you are asking "dear editor questions" for four hours or more, get medical help right away.
If it is not treated right away, asking dear editor questions can permanently damage your penis.

Dear editor,
I accidentally led an editor to believe I'm dating my roommate, how do I fix this?

Does it matter what the editor thinks? If the editor is your roommate and thinks you're dating let them down easy. You could take them sky diving and do it while in the air. The fear of impending door should make the breakup be accepted easier. You can continue being roommates in this situation.
If the editor is not your roommate then it probably doesn't matter.

Dear editor, my roommate actually proposed to get a cat today. I think I agreed. Will I regret this?

No, cats are fantastic. I'd recommend getting an adult cat from a shelter. You'd be saving a life, getting a buddy, and unlike kittens you'd know the personality of the cat you're getting upfront.

Dear editor,
My roommate keeps complaining about the bird poop he steps in. Is a cat a good solution?

Probably not. Why not back yard Sea Anemones? They love eating birds. You will have to recreate tide pools to actually cause the bird to become stuck nearby and fall prey to the anemones, but that should be an easy enough weekend project.

Dear editor,
Know any good squab recipes?

I can't say that I've tried it, but this is rated high: Roast Squabs with Porcini and Country Bread Salad

Dear editor,
I think my roommate would be content with just scaring the pigeons away.

What is scarier for pigeons than tide pools?
My proposed back yard tide pool solution is perfect.

Dear editor, if you could live one day as any animal, which would it be and why?

Well not a bird by a sea anemone infused tide pools, that's for sure.

Maybe still a bird though... hmmm, but specifically a condescending, clever, jerk that can poop on people in flight.
I'll go raven :)

Winner of the karaoke challenge at long last:

Pippi said:
Coronavirus Story:

Inspired by the Italians, last week I sang the beginnings of the aria "O mio babbino caro" from my balcony. A lady and her daughter, who had moments ago walked by, came back and stood to listen. However, I sang no further and instead laughed and chatted with her, for I became shy knowing I had an audience. I must admit, though, my singing was on key and rather lovely and exciting. I think I shall do it again, if I feel so inspired. But I don't want people to film me or the location of my balcony.

Don't call us--we'll call you,
Pippilottessima Lockdownstocking

4,050 Posts
Winner of the karaoke challenge at long last:

Pippi said:
Coronavirus Story:

Inspired by the Italians, last week I sang the beginnings of the aria "O mio babbino caro" from my balcony. A lady and her daughter, who had moments ago walked by, came back and stood to listen. However, I sang no further and instead laughed and chatted with her, for I became shy knowing I had an audience. I must admit, though, my singing was on key and rather lovely and exciting. I think I shall do it again, if I feel so inspired. But I don't want people to film me or the location of my balcony.

Don't call us--we'll call you,
Pippilottessima Lockdownstocking
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