Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 27 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
23 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
So gents and such...this is my first time really posting so please bear with me...

My girlfriend ( INFP ) I realized, just left me for another guy after not talking to me for a good month...sucks but c'est la vie right?

I was actually more of a wreck when she wasn't talking but still together-ish (she had been seeing this guy for most of the time, she just hoped to ignore the situation and let it all blow over I suppose), when I confronted her, told her that I knew she was seeing someone else, she finally had the cojones to acknowledge my existence as her previous boyfriend and we broke up.

Afterward I didn't really even feel sad....I was actually satisfied by the fact that I not only had the truth but I was right about it beforehand...and with a few hours of thinking I was able to sever nearly all emotional ties I had with her.....and I had thought I was in love with her...

Tell me ladies and gents of the vast internet court. Is this typical of INTPs?

Also, whether it be yes or no, what would you guys do in this kind of situation?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
384 Posts
A few months ago my (now ex) girlfriend broke up with me and when I asked why she gave some vague answer that made little sense. I was furious. I managed to stay logical about my anger and not act on it, but I was still quite angry and I couldn't figure out why and then I realized that I had no emotional response to the fat that the relationship ended, just to the fact that information was being withheld from me. Her best friend is a good friend of mine so I talked to the friend and got a answer that made sense from her and then confronted my ex and asked her if that was why. She said yes and at the moment I had all the closure I needed and stopped caring about the entire situation.

So I would say yes, it's a very INTP sort of thing to stop caring about relationships soon after they're end.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
314 Posts
Yes; when my ex broke up with me all I wanted to know was "why". He wouldn't really give me an answer which annoyed me, but after a min of me trying to get him to give me a REAL answer, I let it go... I actually went out and partied that night (like I had been planning to) and had a great time.
 

·
Registered
ESFJ
Joined
·
642 Posts
My breakup was unclear, and I couldn't come up with a rational explanation for it. I wound up having anxiety attacks for two months until one day I realized I would never have a rational answer and cut off my feelings for the person. It's still taken a long while to undo the damage though from those months.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
135 Posts
Well, if I EVER get a boyfriend/girlfriend, I'll let you know. But I imagine if they cheated on me, I'd ask them, "Why'd you do that?" and give them merry hell until they answered properly. If we broke up normally, I'd still ask, "Why?" and pester them until an answer was given.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,085 Posts
Well, if I EVER get a boyfriend/girlfriend, I'll let you know. But I imagine if they cheated on me, I'd ask them, "Why'd you do that?" and give them merry hell until they answered properly. If we broke up normally, I'd still ask, "Why?" and pester them until an answer was given.
That's always the temptation, but it never actually makes you feel better. I'd either end up agreeing with them and just feeling worse, or disagreeing and getting angry that they could be so stupid. If you have to pester someone to get them to tell you what they think of you, then it's probably something you don't want to know,
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
45 Posts
That's always the temptation, but it never actually makes you feel better. I'd either end up agreeing with them and just feeling worse, or disagreeing and getting angry that they could be so stupid. If you have to pester someone to get them to tell you what they think of you, then it's probably something you don't want to know,
But it's always the things you don't want to know that you want to know the most.

I'd pester until the truth was said, regardless of how unpleasant it may be. One cannot put personal touchiness before the truth.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
384 Posts
That's always the temptation, but it never actually makes you feel better. I'd either end up agreeing with them and just feeling worse, or disagreeing and getting angry that they could be so stupid. If you have to pester someone to get them to tell you what they think of you, then it's probably something you don't want to know,
That goes against everything I believe in. I want to know everything, even if it's inconvenient. It would b really easy and convenient for me to believe that after I die my nonphysical spirit will leave my physical body and fly up to a nonphysical heaven where I will meet the creator of the universe but anyone with any brains would say that's bullshit.

Tl;dr If I'm not supposed to know something that makes me want to know it even more. I'll usually stop at nothing (within reason) to find out what I'm not supposed to know. I hate secrets.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,085 Posts
Mason and Shmo,

As I said I have the same inclination that you do. It's just my experience that the information rarely turns out to be as helpful as I though it was going to be, and has a net result of just making me feel worse. If you HAVE to know, then by all means seek out the information, I'm just offering warning that it may not accomplish all you wish it too.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
181 Posts
I had a breakup about 2 years ago (been single since) and the aftermath of that went on for about a year because I couldn't get a proper solid answer as to why. Being the pessimistic fucker that I am, I assumed if she was witholding the real reason then it must be something awful about me, and I became really depressed and suicidal and went into therapy and was put on medication. Turns out she's just a fickle moron who doesn't understand what real love is and was confused about how she felt about me.

It finally clicked when we had a conversation about what love means to each of us. I said I couldn't describe it adequately with words and that it was a sensation deeper and more powerful and awe inspiring than language could do justice to - she said it was "like when you kinda look up to someone and admire them, like you could learn something from them". We later went on to establish that she only ever liked me as a friend, although she finds me atractive, but was confused about that when we started going out - although for some reason she obviuously felt strongly enough about me to say she loved me at some point.

I still think about her. I still see her as a friend. I'd still like to be her boyfriend again despite how retarded and shallow she can be, but I'll never trust her with anything important.

I almost threw myself off a bridge because of the hate and depression and despair caused by not having a proper answer for months. I used to encourage her to say something bad about me when we argued - just so i'd have some reason I could satisfy myself with. It was like playing a game of 20 questions designed specifically to ruin my life.

Let this be a word of warning to anyone going out with, or breaking up with an INTP - be honest with them for fuck sake, you have no idea of the pain you will cause by being vague and avoidant - it's so much worse than the pain of just breaking up with someone. Give them closure. Now that you've read this, you have no excuse, if they can't take it and go insane then you're as much to blame as they are.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,085 Posts
Additionally, knowing the truth satisfies me much more than any sort of denial induced self image could.
I'm wholly willing to concede that this is just me and not typical of INTPs, but after some reflection I think I know how I came to my conclusion. Even after a good pestering, I'm not normally convinced they're really telling me the truth. I also think, due to being pretty low on T for an INTP, I let my Fe side out a little more easily than most. Fe + average/unhealthy E9 = avoidance.

At any rate, I get caught in the state of both wanting to know and actively not wanting to know. It's a pretty huge contradiction. Someone here once brought up the idea of acknowledged hypocrisy in INTPs, and I think, for me, this is one of those instances.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,849 Posts
If you need closure you can always just contact the other person and ask them for more details, ask them about their reasons and say it will make you feel better if you know the whole truth. If the break-up wasn't overly hostile, I am sure they can that the ex provide more information if he or she is simply approached about it. Sounds like a better option than torturing yourself with lack of information.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
46 Posts
Almost the same story happened to me.
I was with a man for about a year, we were quite well together.
And this jerk waited for me to go back to my mother's for summer vacation to send me a mail.
Out of the blue.
"Sorry, but well thinking, I'm better without you. I love you but I don't want you anymore." roughly.
I went berserk, asking why? and eventually tried to make up with him. But he was a coward and didn't want to face me.
So I ended up giving him a piece piece of my mind, and I just left him alone.
And when I say alone, I mean I didn't go back to the same town.
I didn't even feel sad, just deceived, and now I'm just indifferent.

So, yes, I think it's just a common behavior among INTP. When we are rejected without a logical explanation, we don't even care trying to make up, we prefer going away.


(I hop my spelling is not as horrible as I think it is - my mother tongue is French)
 
  • Like
Reactions: nothingnew

·
Registered
Joined
·
135 Posts
That's always the temptation, but it never actually makes you feel better. I'd either end up agreeing with them and just feeling worse, or disagreeing and getting angry that they could be so stupid. If you have to pester someone to get them to tell you what they think of you, then it's probably something you don't want to know,
Didn't even know you'd replied. I need to stop disappearing randomly.

EDIT: I have 100 posts already. I wonder what this says about me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
344 Posts
I think I have one for you guys. This is long, so bear with me:

So, three summers ago right out of high school, my ex-girlfriend (ISTJ, I think) got pregnant. She was going to school on an AFROTC scholarship, and couldn't afford to miss that chance in her life. Long story short, we decided abortion was the only option (I was 17 and unemployed, and she was going to school across the country). I'll spare the details of that experience, but it was a long, silent ride on the Metro back home.

So the next few days go by, and I come over and give her her goodbye gifts. I knew I wasn't going to see her till X-mas break, but the fact we had decided beforehand to try a LDR gave me some solace. She was a little colder to me, but hell, I would've been too (she wasn't too fond of the couple of times she peed blood). So she leaves, and we're cool for a while.

X-mas break comes by, and while she acted the same to me (aloof, and what did she say...."sultry"), there was one moment when I knew something was up: when we had sex (made damn sure to wear a raincoat that time) the night before she left, she didn't look me in the eye. Not once. I'd always thought she was cheating on me, but I had no empirical evidence to support my claim. Whatever.

So her b-day rolls by a month later, and I call her while she's at school. She's somewhere, and I hear this guy's voice. This guy named Chris who's always on her FB wall and shit. I ask who it is, yadayadayada we end up in a fight and she breaks up with me over the phone, 1000 miles away.

I fell to pieces, but that's a story for another time.

I didn't talk to her for two years after that. I got a few messages from her the summer after the incident, that, well, didn't help things. Hell, I don't care, I'll post parts of it:

"what good were you to me? Rather: how at ALL did you benefit my existence in the slightest?

As far as I was concerned, the only interesting conversation I could have offered you had to be wrought with misery or you didn't want to hear it. You hypocritically told XXXX every minute offense I had commited in order to get her set against me (in which case you would hope she'd spill who I was cheating on you with). You did this even after I told you not to.

You have no ambitions. You have no opinions. You have no interests or even cares. You don't keep up with me intellectually. Hell, you don't even have the simple desire to get your driver's license.

You drown yourself in your own insecurities and then dumped them on me. How many times did I have to put up with your genuinely demoralizing comments and disrespect?
You thought, not just primarily, but ONLY of yourself... and then claimed yourself a philanthropist. "A great guy."

And, hell, the sex wasn't even close to good.

How did it never cross your mind that I could so easily get someone so much better than you? So much more motivated? So much more interesting? So much more self-assured? So much more appreciative of me?

Introspection: try it.

Now go find one of the multitudes of females that prefers to date douchebags."

---------------------------------
Anyway, I finally saw her after two years in person, and it was like seeing a ghost. She was running, and we both kinda hesitated, but gestured to each other. This is too long already; I ended up learning that she'd been cheating on me since halfway through our 15-month relationship. I finally got closure.

Or so I thought. My current girlfriend (whom I will ALWAYS keep at arm's length) brought up one thing that has bothered me ever since:

"Steve, what if the baby wasn't yours?"

I hadn't thought about it before she said it. And I'll never know the truth, the most sacred thing to me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
344 Posts
So yeah, I'm never asking for closure again in a relationship. I heard this on a radio show, but it might be helpful:

"Would you rather know the truth? Or would you rather be happy?"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
344 Posts
Damn, too much emotion for this crowd I suppose....
 
  • Like
Reactions: CrabHammer
1 - 20 of 27 Posts
Top