Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 28 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
47 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Any other INTPs dislike that question?

How was your weekend?
How was your night?
How are you doing?

Is there any way I'm supposed to be? What am I supposed to be basing "how-ness" on?

What the heck do you really want to know? :angry:

You don't want to know anything, especially "HOW" something is or was. You want me to start running my mouth so you can try to "SENSE" something.

Just say "Hello" or "Good morning". It's all that's necessary.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,878 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
47 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
When people stop at your door or walk up to you and stop and ask you "How are you doing", they make it clear they want a detailed response. I give them "GOOD", they look at me like I'm crazy, and then that's that.

I cannot, nor will I give them a fake, "FINE, HOW ARE YOU". Just the thought of that nonsense makes my head hurt.

It's a fake, social nicety. Why should I comply with inauthenticity? People are doing it just because people do it.

Not good enough.

Small talk is torture. Start talking "big" about something like some major news event and watch them flee. Talking about the happenings in my life or any other individual's does not interest me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
45 Posts
I never respond to any entreaties of this sort with anything other than, "well, and yourself?" Reflecting the question back usually gets them off my case, and I make sure to express absolutely no interest in whatever they say to me.

I abhor small talk.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,878 Posts
When people stop at your door or walk up to you and stop and ask you "How are you doing", they make it clear they want a detailed response. I give them "GOOD", they look at me like I'm crazy, and then that's that.

I cannot, nor will I give them a fake, "FINE, HOW ARE YOU". Just the thought of that nonsense makes my head hurt.

It's a fake, social nicety. Why should I comply with inauthenticity? People are doing it just because people do it.

Not good enough.

Small talk is torture. Start talking "big" about something like some major news event and watch them flee. Talking about the happenings in my life or any other individual's does not interest me.
I agree with your relation to phatic expression. I try to refrain from inauthentic, vague, meaningless, social niceties until absolutely necessary. In other words, if one asks me a generic question with no deeper intention, I'll not indulge their small-talk, unless there's an alternative motive for me to do so. Despite my frustration for small-talk, I understand that there is an underlying psychological purpose for seemingly insignificant social communications.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
100 Posts
ugh, I know exactly what you mean. It's like, why ask me how I'm doing? How was my day? How should it have been? I'm still breathing, so it went just fine. If I had something news-worthy to tell, believe me, I'll offer the information freely.

I also don't understand the obligatory kisses when you're in a relationship. Good morning kiss. I'm leaving to work kiss. I'm home for lunch kiss. I'm leaving back to work kiss. I'm home for the day kiss. I'm going out for whatever reason kiss. Goodnight kiss. What's the reason behind all of these kisses? They're just automatic. Who knows if the emotion is even behind them anymore. It's like a habit at this point.

What happened to signs of affection and love being expressed when chosen, not because of force? I would much rather give my girl a kiss or say 'i love you', on my own terms, when I am feeling that emotion; rather than having to do everytime we are going to be away from each for a few hours.

Perhaps this goes away with more years of marriage. *shrug*
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
472 Posts
I used to be good at responding "Good; how are you?", but lately I haven't been able to bring myself to say that and now I usually say "eh" or "all right, I guess". I personally hate the bloody question myself, because there are better things to discuss than how I'm feeling at the moment.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
69 Posts
When people stop at your door or walk up to you and stop and ask you "How are you doing", they make it clear they want a detailed response. I give them "GOOD", they look at me like I'm crazy, and then that's that.

I cannot, nor will I give them a fake, "FINE, HOW ARE YOU". Just the thought of that nonsense makes my head hurt.
That's pretty much how I respond. I just say "Well". Then I got back to whatever I was doing, or I might stare at them until they ask a more substantial question. (I don't speak much unless someone prompts me somehow) Annoying questions are just annoying.
 
  • Like
Reactions: The Phantom

·
Registered
Joined
·
33 Posts
Small talk is just a way to get to know people better. When you share little pointless things about your life, the other one builds an image about you. I think it should be taken as a good thing, at least these people think you're worth knowing and likely a nice person. :p I have the habit to tell some little thing about my day, so the other one can keep the conversation going if he wants. If not... well, then he's kind of meaningless person, why then ask anything.

Though it may be different in more open culturest than mine (Finnish). There where you just have to ask "How are you" in some customer service jobs etc., these are just dumb... I hate it when people ask something about your life, without any expectation for answer.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
429 Posts
I also don't understand the obligatory kisses when you're in a relationship. Good morning kiss. I'm leaving to work kiss. I'm home for lunch kiss. I'm leaving back to work kiss. I'm home for the day kiss. I'm going out for whatever reason kiss. Goodnight kiss. What's the reason behind all of these kisses? They're just automatic. Who knows if the emotion is even behind them anymore. It's like a habit at this point.
I don't get this either. And people get upset when I don't do it for them. It's just like making someone say sorry; they're not really sorry, all you're hearing is empty words. It's empty self-gratification, it's selfish, and it ultimately won't do anyone any good.

I just reflect the question back at them, and they'll usually leave me alone.

I don't see the point, but anything to avoid disharmony and uncomfortable feelings on my part. Cuz if they feel weird, then I feel weird, and I hate feeling weird, so I just go along with the flow to save myself...

I hate those questions. My mother asks me all the time, "how was your day?" and I'm like, "Fine." Then she keeps prompting me for questions, and I just keep wondering, do you even really care?

It pains me but I refrain from asking people substantial questions, because then they'll flee like trayNTP said. People don't think about those things, and it upsets me because I have nothing to build a relationship off of. People who I meet and friends I maintain through "small talk," I get rid of very quickly, unless I have another connection with them. My friends (very few) who talk about ideas and not small things, I will keep them for life.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
30 Posts
It pains me but I refrain from asking people substantial questions, because then they'll flee like trayNTP said. People don't think about those things, and it upsets me because I have nothing to build a relationship off of. People who I meet and friends I maintain through "small talk," I get rid of very quickly, unless I have another connection with them. My friends (very few) who talk about ideas and not small things, I will keep them for life.
This. I find it very hard to feel close to anyone who I can't discuss ideas with. If you only discuss the minutiae of life... then all you know is about how they live. You can extrapolate some beliefs, perhaps, but you don't get to know their mind and how they think, which to me is the most interesting thing.


Back to the topic... I find questions like that to be annoying unless I'm close to someone. Normally I'll reel off a quick "Good, how are you?" to most people to be polite, but to someone I feel close to, I'll actually ask the question myself because I actually care how they are doing and want to know if anything has come up that I should know about, or just if they're in a bad mood or whatnot, and I expect a real answer. I'm okay with the question the first time I'm asked, and may give a line or two, but no matter how close, if the question's already been asked once, I'm not answering it again...
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,174 Posts
Any other INTPs dislike that question?

How was your weekend?
How was your night?
How are you doing?

Is there any way I'm supposed to be? What am I supposed to be basing "how-ness" on?

What the heck do you really want to know? :angry:

You don't want to know anything, especially "HOW" something is or was. You want me to start running my mouth so you can try to "SENSE" something.

Just say "Hello" or "Good morning". It's all that's necessary.
The correct answer is "fine"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
70 Posts
Generally, unless I'm in a bad mood, I can tolerate these sorts of questions well enough. It's simply something ingrained in our culture, and, in some ways, a necessity. Being a social species, we've always relied on keeping strong ties with others, sometimes MANY others, to survive- So we've found a comfortable way to communicate with *everyone*, regardless of whether or not we have a connection with them or not.

This does lead to some pretty shallow conversations though, I'll agree with that... and truly, in most day-to-day circumstances, it really isn't necessary. It's simply perceived as the "polite" thing to do. Your doctor isn't exactly going to get into a discussion about metaphysics with you during your examination, but it would seem rude to outright ignore you. So instead they ask about your day, the kids, whatever.

Between family members/friends, though...? Why bother?

(First post outside of introduction :D 'Ello people *waves* Hope I'm not too rambley)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,099 Posts
I say "pretty good, yourself?" I think I just copied it from my ESTJ dad.

You want me to start running my mouth so you can try to "SENSE" something.
I hadn't thought about that, but it makes sense. I ask questions that seem random to other people, and they give me weird looks, but the answer to the question will explain how something works because if the answer is one way or another, then it would logically follow that other variables would have to be in place. I've had to learn to be more literal with my questions and explain what I'm thinking, otherwise some people won't the answer the question because they don't understand why I'm asking.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
45 Posts
I think this sort of avoidance of small talk is what gets INTPs a reputation for being antisocial. I don't mind talking to people and I do really enjoy the company of others - others who have something more than triviality to offer.

I know this is similar for INFPs as well (my mother is an INFP and she absolutely hates small talk though she generally just goes along with it). I am usually more brusque in dismissing prattle.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
314 Posts
I dislike this question too...it's too open and other people generally don't care to hear the answer even if I were inclined to tell them. If they want to know about something specific going on in my life then they should just ask about that. When somebody asks this I usually ignore it and start talking about something else.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,095 Posts
Often, when I am asked these types ofl questions, I take the time to respond with something meaningful about the day.

Just as often, it seems, I see the person asking the question wish he had asked me nothing.:laughing:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
40 Posts
I dislike small talk, but only because I'm bad at it.

I've gotten used to replying to "How are you?" with "Fine, how are you?" just as a reflex without thinking. I've even done it in doctors' offices when I've been sick and had come to the doctor's office specifically because I wasn't fine...not that I meant to, but it becomes a reflex.
 
  • Like
Reactions: nothingnew and Zic

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,068 Posts
I usually respond with 'Good' Which is an automated reponse to my work colleagues because sometimes I'm not good cos I don't want to be at work. At a stretch I'll answer 'Not bad, yourself.' And like halfway through their boring answer I'll politely retreat and walk off. I wish someone would say something like: 'Yo have a big nose.' Then I can say something like: 'Thanks, you're boring.' I think that would be much more productive then the endless cycle of false niceties.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
911 Posts
meh I've learned that I can't avoid such situations so I've chosen to play along. It can't hurt. I usually respond with "meh, it's ok, how are you", "fine" or something like that. I do feel weird and a bit stupid afterwards, though. It seems that I'm not quite able to reconcile with the fact that that conversation carries no meaning, and that I should not think about it nor analyse it.
 
1 - 20 of 28 Posts
Top