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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
For some reason I forgot that people could dislike me. I mean, I've known it... but it just wasn't a reality for me.

My best friend happens to work with a more popular girl in the school program we're in, and she explained to my best friend that she disliked me because she said I was "negative about our class and the books we read"... which is completely, beyond incorrect. I love all literature. Literally, all literature I love (except like The Inferno). It may come across as me not liking it, because I analyze the texts, because that's what I do and what I love, but I still love them nonetheless.

And it just hurts. Because like this girl hates me for a reason that isn't even true, because she misinterprets me, and she's popular so it feels like everyone probably hates me for that reason too, because her social influence is so strong.

Also I have a professor this semester who doesn't like me, like the first instructor I have ever had who actively disliked me and has negatively impacted my grade accordingly... so that sucks too.

I don't know. Does anyone have any advice for how to deal with this? I mean I've dealt with this my whole life. I came to terms with people disliking me... like, all throughout life. But somehow I think that my self-consciousness faded this year while I was trying to deal with my trauma and crap. Now that I'm working through that (or perhaps because it's the anniversary and I'm especially terse and sensitive, who knows) it's hitting me again, as rawly as it did when I was a little girl. Why do people dislike me? How do I deal with it? It's especially hard for me, because I just don't understand it... It takes a lot for me to not love someone and appreciate them as a person, and you have to genuinely be a mean spirited person (in my eyes) for me to dislike you. It's so hard for me to understand someone disliking another person for a petty reason like "oh she doesn't like the books we're reading in Lit" (especially when it's not true, ugh)

Sorry. I know I sound really desperate but I'm feeling really sad right now and kind of down and some advice would be much appreciated. Not sure how well I can follow through with it (I doubt that "don't worry what other people think, be yourself!" will work on me, sorry to be stubborn...) but maybe you guys will help me anyway. I just feel so self conscious now so honestly anything will help me.

Thank you in advance. I'll try to respond but I'm really not in a good mood... know though that like your words are being read and appreciated.
 
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I like you. *shrug*
 

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The hardest advice I've ever benefited from is the saying "What others think of you is none of your business."

I know it can be really difficult to try to come to that place; but it's important. We can't control what others choose to think of us- what we *can* do is work hard to like ourselves on their behalf.

I like to visualize the people I'm having conflict with coming to me, and apologizing, and telling me the things about me they do like. The empathy I can use to intuit others is helpful in making these little fantasies as realistic as possible. I don't tell those people that I'm doing it- but I find, in a few days or weeks, they start to change, because I'm not coming into the room expecting them to be the way I don't like, and so I'm not looking for confirmation of negative stuff from them, but rather confirmation of the positive things I've imagined.

It's possible- though perhaps unlikely to find confirmation for while you're feeling hurt- that they're treating you the way you did the book-- so it sounds negative to you the way your communication sounded negative to them; when the reality is, you loved the book.

Good luck, dear one. I like you. :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Sorry if I come across as curt. Really I am appreciative, but I am perplexed and I'm going to share my confusion in the hopes of understanding better, I promise I'm not being upfront because I'm upset with you or anything. (Just clarifying because I'vebeen told I can come across as confrontational when I just don't understand something)
The hardest advice I've ever benefited from is the saying "What others think of you is none of your business."

I know it can be really difficult to try to come to that place; but it's important. We can't control what others choose to think of us- what we *can* do is work hard to like ourselves on their behalf.

I like to visualize the people I'm having conflict with coming to me, and apologizing, and telling me the things about me they do like. The empathy I can use to intuit others is helpful in making these little fantasies as realistic as possible. I don't tell those people that I'm doing it- but I find, in a few days or weeks, they start to change, because I'm not coming into the room expecting them to be the way I don't like, and so I'm not looking for confirmation of negative stuff from them, but rather confirmation of the positive things I've imagined.

It's possible- though perhaps unlikely to find confirmation for while you're feeling hurt- that they're treating you the way you did the book-- so it sounds negative to you the way your communication sounded negative to them; when the reality is, you loved the book.

Good luck, dear one. I like you. :)
In regards to your second to last paragraph -

That just does not make sense to me?

A person is not a human being. If someone hates a book, it doesn't mean that they're worth hating. That's just ridiculous to me. Like, I don't get it. It blows my mind. A human being is a human being, and they shouldn't be judged in the way you judge a book.

(I mean I heard this was an Fe vs Fi thing? That like Fi will feel offended if you dislike something they personally connect with. And I guess that's understandable, but.... I still don't get it.)

Also, this girl knows I'm not a negative person. That's the other thing she told my room mate, lol. That I'm too naive and positive and optimistic. Naive and innocent and optimistic, even though I've been to Hell and back twice, I'm diagnosed with PTSD, I've seen the worst side of humanity and it haunts me every day and has taken it's toll on my once rainbow-esque worldview. Okay.

(That's like unrelated, but... yeah, I don't think she dislikes me for being a negative person)

My room mate tried to say, "No, she probably dislikes you because she dislikes you, that reason doesn't make any sense and that's not a valid reason to dislike you..." And I'm like "Okay. But what does that mean for me? She still dislikes me, she had to come up with a stupid reason just to justify her innate dislike of me..."

It just makes me so sad. I wish we wouldn't dislike each other. It's so childish but I wish people could just love everyone and appreciate them like I always try to, like comes so naturally for me?

I mean like I said usually I am very aware of the fact that not everyone's going to like me, and of course I can't expect everyone to have the same worldview as I do and value just openly loving everyone with all of their heart, I mean that is a weird worldview and it doesn't make sense to expect that, but honestly I'm just having these childish feelings/thoughts right now and I can't make them go away. I'm really ashamed to admit that, but it's true.

Also thank you for the quote at the top - I will contemplate that - but it still doesn't make sense to me? Just logically, I mean I know I'm an ENFJ and I don't understand logic but... People's opinions of me is totally my business. I don't know, that just doesn't make logical sense to me, I can't make it make sense in my head :/
 
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Haha well I can definitely say I relate. I went to a party with sensors last night, but I couldn't really talk to anyone that well, and the second party we all went to was even worse. I ran into some of my guy friends though, and we had some late night conversations back at the dorm. Apparently, as a girl, you're socially not supposed to do that. The next day I had my friends debating behind my back about whether I was secretly a whore. Heard the whole thing outside my window, spent the day inside reading and listening to music. Then I had a discussion about links between creativity and loneliness. Apparently there's a correlation because people are misunderstood. Apparently it's also best to be your own best friend
 

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You are valuable and loveable and you possess intrinsic worth that no one can take away. Her dislike is caused by her attitude and her not taking the time to understand you. Her dislike is about her and not about you.

I strongly suggest you speak with your advisor immediately concerning your instructor. Any behavior that negatively impacts grades and the learning environment merits attention.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I like you. *shrug*
Thank you for your kind assertion, and thank you @angelcarnivore (what an interesting username!) for yours as well. That is nice of you both to say.

I just feel like that wouldn't be true in real life though. I'm dreadfully annoying. I have a lisp, and it makes me sound especially childish and irksome, regardless what I say. I'm clumsy. You can't take me seriously, no matter how serious my words or accomplishments or presentation is. And, apparently, I'm negative and hate literature :p

And it's just... I'm actually sort of okay with people disliking me on the Internet. I actually dealt with moderately high cyber bullying throughout high school, so I'm pretty okay with the idea of people hating me online... and as a result, sadly it doesn't mean as much when people like me online as well. (I mean I do appreciate your words, but it's like... Would you still feel that way if you knew me, you know?) I just feel like, oh, they might like me here but they would hate me if they saw me on the street, you know?

But sorry. That's kind of rude to say. I don't mean that I don't appreciate you two and value you as people and your opinions... Part of it is I am here for advice so I'm opening up about even my more insensitive thoughts and part of it is I really have some serious self deprecation problems. I apologize if this comes off as offensive, I promise I don't mean that. I'm just being a little too truthful and blunt, I fear.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Haha well I can definitely say I relate. I went to a party with sensors last night, but I couldn't really talk to anyone that well, and the second party we all went to was even worse. I ran into some of my guy friends though, and we had some late night conversations back at the dorm. Apparently, as a girl, you're socially not supposed to do that. The next day I had my friends debating behind my back about whether I was secretly a whore. Heard the whole thing outside my window, spent the day inside reading and listening to music. Then I had a discussion about links between creativity and loneliness. Apparently there's a correlation because people are misunderstood. Apparently it's also best to be your own best friend
I am extremely sorry that happened to you :( Especially with those being your friends who said that... I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I know it'll seem hypocritical coming from me, but you really don't deserve this. They're in the wrong, not you. You are a beautiful, kind person, and nothing anyone can falsely accuse you of can or ever will change that.
 

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I am extremely sorry that happened to you :( Especially with those being your friends who said that... I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I know it'll seem hypocritical coming from me, but you really don't deserve this. They're in the wrong, not you. You are a beautiful, kind person, and nothing anyone can falsely accuse you of can or ever will change that.
Likewise! It's okay we're in this judgment thing together. I wish we could see beyond our immediate perceptions and know the true intentions of people, that would just solve everything
 

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Thank you for your kind assertion, and thank you @angelcarnivore (what an interesting username!) for yours as well. That is nice of you both to say.

I just feel like that wouldn't be true in real life though. I'm dreadfully annoying. I have a lisp, and it makes me sound especially childish and irksome, regardless what I say. I'm clumsy. You can't take me seriously, no matter how serious my words or accomplishments or presentation is. And, apparently, I'm negative and hate literature :p

And it's just... I'm actually sort of okay with people disliking me on the Internet. I actually dealt with moderately high cyber bullying throughout high school, so I'm pretty okay with the idea of people hating me online... and as a result, sadly it doesn't mean as much when people like me online as well. (I mean I do appreciate your words, but it's like... Would you still feel that way if you knew me, you know?) I just feel like, oh, they might like me here but they would hate me if they saw me on the street, you know?

But sorry. That's kind of rude to say. I don't mean that I don't appreciate you two and value you as people and your opinions... Part of it is I am here for advice so I'm opening up about even my more insensitive thoughts and part of it is I really have some serious self deprecation problems. I apologize if this comes off as offensive, I promise I don't mean that. I'm just being a little too truthful and blunt, I fear.
The mere fact that you are a member of this forum, and post threads like this is proof to me that I like you, and would indeed like you in person.

The criteria you list as reasons you would be "unlikable" are all things I would consider genuine and pure.

Projecting your insecurities onto others in an assumption that they will find them unpleasant seems exhausting.
 

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What? In Literature class one should analyze literature. If a person can't understand that analyzing or even critiquing a literary work doesn't mean you hate it (especially when it is for a class!) then, to be frank, that person is displaying immaturity, if not intellectual laziness.

You can try to diplomatically broach the subject with her, perhaps you can ask a friend to help; you can try changing your tone when you speak—including more positive statements with your negative ones; but honestly I would encourage you to let it go if you can.

For what it is worth, as someone who wishes to teach literature, I would much prefer to have someone like you in my class.
 
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Discussion Starter · #12 · (Edited)
.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 · (Edited)
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Haha well I can definitely say I relate. I went to a party with sensors last night, but I couldn't really talk to anyone that well, and the second party we all went to was even worse. I ran into some of my guy friends though, and we had some late night conversations back at the dorm. Apparently, as a girl, you're socially not supposed to do that. The next day I had my friends debating behind my back about whether I was secretly a whore. Heard the whole thing outside my window, spent the day inside reading and listening to music. Then I had a discussion about links between creativity and loneliness. Apparently there's a correlation because people are misunderstood. Apparently it's also best to be your own best friend
Even when you're not lonely- people are so exhausting (from my perspective) that creating loneliness time, and using your imagination is really rejuvenating.

Love yourself with all of your heart- you can't give others what you don't have.
 

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Thank you for your kind assertion, and thank you @angelcarnivore (what an interesting username!) for yours as well. That is nice of you both to say.

I just feel like that wouldn't be true in real life though. I'm dreadfully annoying. I have a lisp, and it makes me sound especially childish and irksome, regardless what I say. I'm clumsy. You can't take me seriously, no matter how serious my words or accomplishments or presentation is. And, apparently, I'm negative and hate literature :p

And it's just... I'm actually sort of okay with people disliking me on the Internet. I actually dealt with moderately high cyber bullying throughout high school, so I'm pretty okay with the idea of people hating me online... and as a result, sadly it doesn't mean as much when people like me online as well. (I mean I do appreciate your words, but it's like... Would you still feel that way if you knew me, you know?) I just feel like, oh, they might like me here but they would hate me if they saw me on the street, you know?

But sorry. That's kind of rude to say. I don't mean that I don't appreciate you two and value you as people and your opinions... Part of it is I am here for advice so I'm opening up about even my more insensitive thoughts and part of it is I really have some serious self deprecation problems. I apologize if this comes off as offensive, I promise I don't mean that. I'm just being a little too truthful and blunt, I fear.
It's interesting- I have such an innate attraction to Js-- I feel like you sacrifice a great deal of personal comfort to be authentic. I've went through some real bullying in elementary school- and in high school I think is when I really started being more Pish- wanting so desperately to have friends in SCHOOL, not just outside of school with random five minute friends I'd meet and really get close with fast-- I'm not sure what I was before that- I don't remember. I think my P lets me intuit the person behind what the person is currently doing, instead of intuiting what the person is currently doing, first. I don't want to ever hate anyone, because I know how much being hated hurts. and I guess that includes books, and food, and the intention behind whatever was not what would be up to my standards if I had been brave enough to go down the J road instead of the P road whenever whatever that inciting incident that clinched it for me was. (I have no clue.)

That said- I think our reasoning and strategies differ- but we all are afraid of coming up short and somehow deserving that crap. We don't. We're inviolate, we're awesome. I'm sure if you choose to develop your P, if it didn't hurt your value system, you could discover a way to use your cute lisp and adorable clumsiness like a weapon- disarming people with charm while expressing your J so the little bastards wouldn't know what hit'em.

From my perspective (note the 3w2 SO) image is also really important- that's why being able to talk in a forum like this is HUGE for me- I get lost in the mask at times. So I can benefit from taking it off while I'm making a face, and you might benefit from sometimes putting one of your own choosing on, to protect you when you don't feel quite safe.
 

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I read your earlier responses and I did not have time to respond. In consideration of your privacy I will only say I hope everything goes well for you.
 

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I'd probably think you were disingenuous if everyone you met liked you, though it's still annoying to be disliked for no good reason, I agree. Excluding people who disliked me for totally legitimate reasons, most of the people who showed inexplicable animosity towards me were either envious of me in some way or saw me as beneath them and not worth treating with respect because my friendship wouldn't raise their social worth. Neither type is really worth putting up with, in my opinion, especially if you tend to be a more sensitive person who takes things personally. As long as you're being honest with yourself and not blaming your own failings on others, I would identify who those people are and avoid interacting with them, because their behavior towards you says more about them than you.
 

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I understand what you're saying baby girl. Some people have a lot of hate inside themselves that they feel the need to spread to others and that can be hard to understand sometimes. Especially when you, yourself don't operate the same way.

I can't really think of any sound advice right now other than the generic "Don't worry about what others thinks of you." but I just wanted to let you know that I understand. :)
 
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