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The soft side of ESTJ's

10152 Views 11 Replies 7 Participants Last post by  teddy564339
I have this one friend from back in college, and while I'm not 100% sure he's an ESTJ, that's what I pegged him as, and then when he took a personality test he got ESTJ too, so I'm pretty sure.

He's very outgoing, loves to meet and interact with all kinds of people, and he loves new experiences in life. He's very much a "guy's guy" and he likes to socially drink, loves sports, and likes sexual humor. He was also quite popular back in college.

In addition, he's an obsessively hard worker, putting in tons and tons of hours at work (he worked almost full time when he was in college, too). He's extremely busy, and he has a hard time fitting everything in...he works so much, but he wants to experience so much of life too. He likes to map and plan things out a lot, which led me to peg him as an SJ (I thought his openness to new things would make him more of a P, but I think it's more due to his extraversion, since he likes structure and planning so much).

I've read a lot of threads talking about ESTJ men (especially older men) being these firm, tough drill sergeant type people, who are very strict and adhere to the policy "my way or the highway). I do think this has a lot to do with them being older and more conservative, but still, it seems like that tends to be the stereotype.

But here's what I find so fascinating about this friend of mine. Usually, with people like him, I tend to not get along with because I get intimidated (I'm an ISFJ, so that's not too hard to imagine :p ), and I don't become friends with them. But even though at first I kind of felt that way about him, he's always seemed to have sort of a "softer" side. He likes to joke around a lot, but unlike a lot of NT's I know, you can tell he means no harm and just wants to have fun. He's easy to talk to, and he always has a way of making me (and a lot of people he knows) feel comfortable, especially when talking one-on-one.

He does like to give advice a lot, and he's not very touchy-feely with his words...he's pretty straight to the point and doesn't unnecessarily sugar-coat things. But at the same time he's very open, supportive and friendly.

I do think I remember that he tested as only a somewhat slight T, so I can't help but think that maybe he has more of a feeling side that a lot of ESTJ's. I don't picture him being an ESFJ, however....not only does he have a lot of ESTJ traits, but I always picture ESFJ's as being very protective and motherly, and he doesn't strike me like that at all.

So for you ESTJ's (especially males), do you find that you have a "softer" side that you show people once you get to know them, or do you think my friend just has less of a thinking preference than your average ESTJ?

In addition, it may just be because we're guys, but sometimes I get afraid of showing too much emotion towards him, in fear that he'll think that I'm "too soft". Do you ESTJ's have any advice on the best way to let an ESTJ know you care without overwhelming them with emotion? I'm always trying to walk that line with him and I get confused sometimes.
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We have a soft side, we're not machines. But the people we show the soft side to are few and far between. I really only have 2-3 people that I will talk to about personal issues. I can listen to my friend's problems but I'm trying to figure out what advice I can give them and what I can do to help. I can almost guarantee that a true ESTJ will not empathize with you or take part in a pity party. And definitely don't tell us if you caused whatever situation you're in, we will probably fail in resisting to point that out. I can only speak for myself but when I see someone getting all emotional over something it kinda gets under my skin. I think to myself that they should get a grip, control the situation and deal with it. But I keep that to myself because I know people deal with things differently.
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You know, you saying that is extremely interesting.
Ha now I don't know which way to feel about it now that I look back on it...should I feel bad that I came across as over-dramatic about something he thought I should have just sucked up and dealt with, or should I feel good that we're good enough friends that he still gave the advice gently and nicely?

It doesn't matter anyway, since I'm sure he's forgotten about the whole thing and doesn't remember what I said or the advice he gave. That's typical Si and Fe on my part....remembering the details and caring about what others feel.
First off, never apologize for who you are. Accept who you are and damn the ones who don't, can't or won't. I guarantee that your ESTJ friend was honored and humbled that you confided in him and probably felt like you two were now closer friends because of it. If he didn't feel that way he probably would have:
A. not been as friendly in his word choice
B. avoided talking to you until you figured out your problems on your own

Be happy that you have a mature ESTJ friend who has your back. They're good to have. :happy:
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