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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Lad's avatar inspired me to make this thread; I hope he doesn't mind.

I have some questions that I've been wondering lately: How do you define a soul mate? Are they worth the effort to find and try to keep? And what do you do if you're already committed to someone?

I'm really curious what you think, because I have a special connection to someone that's beyond ordinary and I'm not sure what to do about it. We seem to be magnetized to each other; no matter how hard one or both of us tries to back away, we can't seem to let go of each other.

My definition of soul mate is in the book Eat Pray Love: "People think your soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person that shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it."

You can skip this part if you want, since it's a long story, but this is my situation. I was dating someone I was unhappy with long distance and came across a guy who blew my mind and vice versa. He had so much depth to him, and he saw the same in me, and we connected on a level I hadn't even dreamed imaginable. I cared for my current boyfriend, but I had been so unhappy for so long, because he couldn't show me love very well. I was starving for it. It was painful and took a lot of effort, but I left my boyfriend for this amazing guy. To my surprise and immense pain, my boyfriend, who I didn't think loved me much, made it very difficult for me to leave. He apparently loved me very much, but his work schedule made it difficult to talk to me; he was all but unconscious after getting off work. He wanted me to come out and see him so we could try to work things out, and then if I still wanted to leave, he would let me go. I was under immense pressure from the other guy not to, so I didn't. It was almost like taking a knife, because I cared so much for my boyfriend, and learned that he really did love me. But the damage was already done.

To make a long story short, at first the relationship was beautiful and passionate and everything I'd always wanted, but the guy started going through a really rough time and became distant. I tried as hard as I could for our relationship, but it didn't seem to get better no matter what I did. I figured it would get me dumped, but I told him I hadn't been getting any affection from him lately, anyway. It started a very passionate argument, and he disrespected me worse than anyone had ever done. And for nothing; I hadn't wronged him whatsoever. He was just thrusting his anger and frustration onto me, and I knew he didn't mean the things he was saying, but I accepted our breakup.

After this, I went to see the ex boyfriend, because I'd wanted to before. I only expected to apologize and explain myself to him so he understood, but he was still deeply in love with me and convinced me to try again. I felt that it was due to lack of good communication that we fell apart, so I agreed to try to make it better. It didn't satisfy me after being with someone I connected with so deeply. But I stuck with it and kept trying, and I am currently at a point where I can connect with him satisfactorily. He is a good person, one of the nicest people I know. And he is always good to me. He never disrespects me, and he always tries to help work through things when we have a problem. I see him as someone I wouldn't mind being with for the rest of my life; he'd be so much better than lots of guys out there. And I could be happy with him.

But there's one problem. The other guy has struck again.

I go to school with him. For a while, I cut off all communication with him. But I still had deep-seeded feelings for him. I'd convinced myself it would never work out with him. He left me out of the blue for nothing I'd done (or not done), and disrespected me, again, for nothing I'd done. So for about 6 months I kept this in mind whenever I had that longing feeling for the kind of relationship I'd had with him.

Then I went back to school and was bothered deeply whenever I saw him. So I decided to unblock him and sent him an email, just saying that I had his book still and wanted to give it back to him. He emailed me back, elated. He had tried to apologize and talk to me a few times, but I hadn't responded (because I couldn't get messages from him). He was genuinely sorry that he had backed off from me and said what he did. He admitted it was nothing I had done but asked to be friends, or at least friendly if I couldn't forgive him. I knew he hadn't meant the things he said, so I forgave him and accepted. And then we learned that we still had deep, passionate feelings for each other. I try my best not to cross any lines, since I am with someone, and he tries too. I'd choose him over my boyfriend, except for the fact that I know the guy would leave me again. I want something lasting. And what I have now can last, and it is good. It's just hard to stay away from this guy. I've tried and he's tried to back away, but we seem to have some kind of magnetic relationship that won't allow us to without a great deal of pain.

So what do I do about him? Accept that I will always have love for him and live life normally? It seems like my only viable option. He does feel like my soul mate, especially under that definition I used above. But I'd never let myself be with him, even if I was single, because it would hurt too much to lose him again.
 

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I wish I had an answer for you, but this is something that I've been struggling to define for years before giving up on the idea and only recently started to try to figure out again.

I think your definition from Eat, Pray, Love is a definition of a soul mate in the sense that there are people who are in this world and are going to be people who you connect with in such a completely different way than others, but aren't necessarily "the one." Though, to be fair, I've no idea how to define "the one."

I do believe that there are multiple people whom our souls are connected with, who we are fated to meet and interact with and to be changed by. I know for certain that I have met at least one such soul already, and though she was only a part of my life for a short eight months, she changed me as much as anyone ever has. We had a falling out that I am still trying to figure out, but for as much as it hurts to know that I will likely never interact with her at anything near the same level as what we have in the past, I know that there would be so much missing from my life had I never met her. She would fit your definition of a soul mate and also mine in that she was meant to change me, but was definitely not "the one." For as much as I loved her, there was nothing romantic about it. In many ways it was much deeper than any other love I had experienced in my life.

Despite being so hurt by her, I am not going to let that pain keep me from searching the person I believe I am meant to spend my life with. I know that he is somewhere in this world waiting for me, and who knows how I will find him. I do not believe I am limited to searching only where I currently live, as the internet is such a fantastic tool, but I also know that it will not be an instant and easy thing. There will still be all the ups and downs of any relationship, I just know that if he is the one, then we will be able to see past those and feel past those and find a way to /make/ everything work because to lose him would break me and vice versa.

As for your situation, I wish I could give you true advice, but I can only tell you what I came to the conclusion of several weeks ago. A good friend of mine had asked that perhaps when I am more ready for a relationship to consider seeing if we could make things work. I think I could have been comfortable with him, I would have been content with my life. But... I re-discovered my fire and desire for something more than content and I had to tell him, despite knowing that it would hurt him and that it would be hard for myself, especially since I had been able to look forward and see something resembling a future that I think many people would think better than what most settle for. That fire and passion and desire does not want to settle, to find something that will work or be less than what I imagine I can find in this life. I would rather live and die alone knowing that I had done everything to find my one and only than to know that I had settled and perhaps missed him. I don't know if that is silly or stupid, but it is how I feel.

I know not everyone feels that way, and so I do not want to discourage you from staying with your boyfriend if he makes you happy and you can see yourself enjoying life, I just know that at this point in time, I could not see myself settling if I knew that he wasn't "the one."

*hugs* and good luck. I hope you are able to find the answer that will work best for you.
 

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i think a soulmate is someone you can talk to for hours and not get bored from, someone where you agree with them so much you get shocked when you disagree about something and evn then it doesn't matter. t's someone you can share anything with without fear of being judged. someone you maight not share experiences with but just so similar on so many emotional levels.
 

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Laurachannele, May I ask how it is that you seem to have decided that your life mate must be one of these two gentlemen? It sounds like your boyfriend is someone who is good to you, and you like being with him, but in deeper aspects of the love you desire, he does not fulfill you...am I understanding that correctly? The "other guy" seems to know how to connect with you in a way that unlocks your deeper passions, but a relationship with him would be risky and not so trustworthy and missing critical viable elements.

Why do you want to go back and forth between them? Does the prospect of letting them go and taking time to independently seek what it is you want and need cause you fear? Do you really in your heart of hearts believe that your current boyfriend will supply the full spectrum of love your heart seeks...because it sounds like you have apprehension. Based on my instincts, if you don't really believe that either of these gentleman are going to offer you the full spectrum, then I think a life-changing experience for you would be to embark on your own independent journey to recognize and come to terms with your core needs and desires, and understand the perceived needs and desires in you that may be operating more out of reflexiveness or to seek security, leading to a clouding of your soul waters. And then, when you have determined what it is that you most need, and what you most want to give, your eye will be more keen to see the man who offers that, and is a vessel that would rightly hold the love you have to give.

So anyway, I want to make sure it doesn't sound like I'm saying to "do this" or "do that". Maybe your current boyfriend is your best mate, and maybe you already have these needs and desires worked out. I just thought I'd lay out a few perspectives that are like..."if this is the case....then here's a thought."

Edit: I forgot about your question concerning the "other guy". I really can only go by instinct here, but it sounds like this is a guy that has the ability to ignite the passion of your soul, but that it is not a controlled burn, that his winds are somewhat swirling and capricious, and that the soul blaze goes in unpredictible directions, leading you ultimately into confusion. Perhaps this guy is someone who has shown you it is possible to have someone reach your soul this way, but that you should hold a hope for another who can do the same, but create a blaze that is more trustworthy.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
I wish I had an answer for you, but this is something that I've been struggling to define for years before giving up on the idea and only recently started to try to figure out again.

I think your definition from Eat, Pray, Love is a definition of a soul mate in the sense that there are people who are in this world and are going to be people who you connect with in such a completely different way than others, but aren't necessarily "the one." Though, to be fair, I've no idea how to define "the one."

I do believe that there are multiple people whom our souls are connected with, who we are fated to meet and interact with and to be changed by. I know for certain that I have met at least one such soul already, and though she was only a part of my life for a short eight months, she changed me as much as anyone ever has. We had a falling out that I am still trying to figure out, but for as much as it hurts to know that I will likely never interact with her at anything near the same level as what we have in the past, I know that there would be so much missing from my life had I never met her. She would fit your definition of a soul mate and also mine in that she was meant to change me, but was definitely not "the one." For as much as I loved her, there was nothing romantic about it. In many ways it was much deeper than any other love I had experienced in my life.

Despite being so hurt by her, I am not going to let that pain keep me from searching the person I believe I am meant to spend my life with. I know that he is somewhere in this world waiting for me, and who knows how I will find him. I do not believe I am limited to searching only where I currently live, as the internet is such a fantastic tool, but I also know that it will not be an instant and easy thing. There will still be all the ups and downs of any relationship, I just know that if he is the one, then we will be able to see past those and feel past those and find a way to /make/ everything work because to lose him would break me and vice versa.

As for your situation, I wish I could give you true advice, but I can only tell you what I came to the conclusion of several weeks ago. A good friend of mine had asked that perhaps when I am more ready for a relationship to consider seeing if we could make things work. I think I could have been comfortable with him, I would have been content with my life. But... I re-discovered my fire and desire for something more than content and I had to tell him, despite knowing that it would hurt him and that it would be hard for myself, especially since I had been able to look forward and see something resembling a future that I think many people would think better than what most settle for. That fire and passion and desire does not want to settle, to find something that will work or be less than what I imagine I can find in this life. I would rather live and die alone knowing that I had done everything to find my one and only than to know that I had settled and perhaps missed him. I don't know if that is silly or stupid, but it is how I feel.

I know not everyone feels that way, and so I do not want to discourage you from staying with your boyfriend if he makes you happy and you can see yourself enjoying life, I just know that at this point in time, I could not see myself settling if I knew that he wasn't "the one."

*hugs* and good luck. I hope you are able to find the answer that will work best for you.

I am not sure either how to define "the one." My mom tells me there is no such thing. I hear this from a lot of older people. It was frustrating to me at first, but they do have a point; no matter who you're with, it won't always be perfect. Yeah, I get that, but there's also people who are better with you than others. It's a hard line to draw.

I'm sorry that girl walked out of your life. I never really thought of a soul mate outside of a romantic context before you brought it up. I'm a little envious, to be honest. It would be great to have a friend like that, especially if they stuck around. But like you, all of my life-changers have walked out on me or disappeared or changed beyond recognition. But I believe meeting people like that is fate, like you. Some people are just meant to help you change.

Thanks for your opinion about my situation. It's really helpful to hear what other people think about it, since different parts of me want contradicting things.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
i think a soulmate is someone you can talk to for hours and not get bored from, someone where you agree with them so much you get shocked when you disagree about something and evn then it doesn't matter. t's someone you can share anything with without fear of being judged. someone you maight not share experiences with but just so similar on so many emotional levels.
Ahh, I love this :laughing: Have you experienced this with anyone? I have..all of it, actually. The amount of synchronicity I've had with someone was almost to the point of being weird. It went beyond similar perspectives, world views, past experiences, and tastes into crazy things like having a birthmark in the same exact place o_O ..and we definitely could talk for hours and have it feel like 5 minutes-every single time we talked.
 

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Ahh, I love this :laughing: Have you experienced this with anyone? I have..all of it, actually. The amount of synchronicity I've had with someone was almost to the point of being weird. It went beyond similar perspectives, world views, past experiences, and tastes into crazy things like having a birthmark in the same exact place o_O ..and we definitely could talk for hours and have it feel like 5 minutes-every single time we talked.
yeah i tihnk i have-jsut with someone i met onlnie, we're an awesoem pair:cool:
 
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I am not sure either how to define "the one." My mom tells me there is no such thing. I hear this from a lot of older people. It was frustrating to me at first, but they do have a point; no matter who you're with, it won't always be perfect. Yeah, I get that, but there's also people who are better with you than others. It's a hard line to draw.

I'm sorry that girl walked out of your life. I never really thought of a soul mate outside of a romantic context before you brought it up. I'm a little envious, to be honest. It would be great to have a friend like that, especially if they stuck around. But like you, all of my life-changers have walked out on me or disappeared or changed beyond recognition. But I believe meeting people like that is fate, like you. Some people are just meant to help you change.

Thanks for your opinion about my situation. It's really helpful to hear what other people think about it, since different parts of me want contradicting things.
Here's the thing about listening to others who have settled - of course they're going to say that there is no such thing. If they couldn't find their one and only then why in the world should they believe in that. It's just a fairy tale, a myth, like love at first sight. Except I have seen and interacted with several couples who have found their one and only. I have heard stories of others from coworkers that have given me hope. I have seen the determination of the men and women here and in other parts of my life. I cannot believe that they are wrong or that they found theirs through some sort of easy process. You have to work for it, be willing to push and grow and take leaps of faith that scare you but if there's a chance...

She may have left my life, and I don't know if maybe she will return, but she is always a part of my life as well. Once we touch someone's heart, we give them a piece of ourselves. Sometimes it's a big piece, sometimes a little piece, but it's there for them to cherish and love or lock away or whatever they choose to do. I know that I will recover and be able to cherish the gifts she gave me in time and that I will be forever grateful for her. And honestly, that is what we all hope for in life. I know that you will meet your own soulmates, you just have to be able to listen to that part of your heart and soul that will recognize him or her. I met mine online through my HP fandom and within 1 hour of talking with her on the phone, I knew she was someone I loved and would do just about anything for. You'll find them, I know.

Honestly, in things like this, I don't like listening to my rationale/logical side because she's been jaded by society, by my previous relationships and seeing the hurt and pain that love can cause. My heart has managed to somehow retain some form of Hope, and that's what I listen to when it comes to matters of the heart. If I can still hear and respond to Hope, then I have no reason to follow anything else.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Laurachannele, May I ask how it is that you seem to have decided that your life mate must be one of these two gentlemen? It sounds like your boyfriend is someone who is good to you, and you like being with him, but in deeper aspects of the love you desire, he does not fulfill you...am I understanding that correctly? The "other guy" seems to know how to connect with you in a way that unlocks your deeper passions, but a relationship with him would be risky and not so trustworthy and missing critical viable elements.

Why do you want to go back and forth between them? Does the prospect of letting them go and taking time to independently seek what it is you want and need cause you fear? Do you really in your heart of hearts believe that your current boyfriend will supply the full spectrum of love your heart seeks...because it sounds like you have apprehension. Based on my instincts, if you don't really believe that either of these gentleman are going to offer you the full spectrum, then I think a life-changing experience for you would be to embark on your own independent journey to recognize and come to terms with your core needs and desires, and understand the perceived needs and desires in you that may be operating more out of reflexiveness or to seek security, leading to a clouding of your soul waters. And then, when you have determined what it is that you most need, and what you most want to give, your eye will be more keen to see the man who offers that, and is a vessel that would rightly hold the love you have to give.

So anyway, I want to make sure it doesn't sound like I'm saying to "do this" or "do that". Maybe your current boyfriend is your best mate, and maybe you already have these needs and desires worked out. I just thought I'd lay out a few perspectives that are like..."if this is the case....then here's a thought."

Edit: I forgot about your question concerning the "other guy". I really can only go by instinct here, but it sounds like this is a guy that has the ability to ignite the passion of your soul, but that it is not a controlled burn, that his winds are somewhat swirling and capricious, and that the soul blaze goes in unpredictible directions, leading you ultimately into confusion. Perhaps this guy is someone who has shown you it is possible to have someone reach your soul this way, but that you should hold a hope for another who can do the same, but create a blaze that is more trustworthy.
Thanks so much for your response..:happy:

I am actually only trying to commit myself to the one guy, my boyfriend. But you do understand correctly that he doesn't fulfill me. He is ISTP, so he doesn't have the emotional connection with me that I crave. However, since I've learned about his type, I've found ways to communicate with him better so that we can understand each other better, so it's been feeling a bit more fulfilling lately. And I know he loves me deeply even if I sometimes have a hard time seeing it. I know he'd do anything for me, and he has shown me time and time again he would never leave me. I guess those are the main reasons I'd put up with less passion in a relationship.

I do think fear is a factor in this situation. I'm one of those girls who has always had a boyfriend. I can't really remember a large time gap when I was single since freshman year of high school. And lately, I've really wanted to go do my own thing, learn who I am and grow as a person, but I'm already with someone..and it seems like a bridge that's too premature to burn. Everyone I've told this desire to has told me I can do that with him. I don't think I can do it unless I am alone. But no one understands.

If I go off and do my own thing, I lose what I have now. Right now I'm kind of in a rush to make a hard decision. I graduate next semester with an associate's degree and I have to choose where I am going to transfer or go afterwards. If I decide to go to whatever college I want to, my boyfriend doesn't want to stay together because he's tired of waiting to finally be with me (it's been 2 years long distance already, so we both are). And he doesn't want to wait until I'm done with school to be together because he thinks someone else would have me before then (he has a good point there). But if I go to Guam (that's where he will be for 2-3 years) I will definitely end up marrying him. He's ready for it, but I'm..not. But I could and probably would be eventually, but if I wait, I don't really get a chance to find out.

I also don't want to leave him because I care deeply for him. I've already broken his heart too many times. I couldn't bear to do it again.

I do love my boyfriend, but it's the sweet, caring kind of love. The other guy attracts me because he offers that passionate love you mentioned. I know in my heart that the passionate love is what I want, but I would settle for sweet, caring love that lasts.

I love the last thing you said. I do know there is someone better for me than who I'm with, and even the other guy, but I feel like I've already gone too far to back down at this point. I made the decision to be with my boyfriend and committed to him, and I have just started learning how to be happy with him. It seems like a good direction, but you're right. I am very apprehensive. I have been trying to get in to a psychologist lately, but it's been hard to get a hold of her. Maybe I should try harder lol..I need my head on straight so I can make a decision about this. Whatever I pick is life-changing..so maybe that's why I'm scared to make a move right now.
 

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Here's the thing about listening to others who have settled - of course they're going to say that there is no such thing. If they couldn't find their one and only then why in the world should they believe in that. It's just a fairy tale, a myth, like love at first sight. Except I have seen and interacted with several couples who have found their one and only. I have heard stories of others from coworkers that have given me hope. I have seen the determination of the men and women here and in other parts of my life. I cannot believe that they are wrong or that they found theirs through some sort of easy process. You have to work for it, be willing to push and grow and take leaps of faith that scare you but if there's a chance...

She may have left my life, and I don't know if maybe she will return, but she is always a part of my life as well. Once we touch someone's heart, we give them a piece of ourselves. Sometimes it's a big piece, sometimes a little piece, but it's there for them to cherish and love or lock away or whatever they choose to do. I know that I will recover and be able to cherish the gifts she gave me in time and that I will be forever grateful for her. And honestly, that is what we all hope for in life. I know that you will meet your own soulmates, you just have to be able to listen to that part of your heart and soul that will recognize him or her. I met mine online through my HP fandom and within 1 hour of talking with her on the phone, I knew she was someone I loved and would do just about anything for. You'll find them, I know.

Honestly, in things like this, I don't like listening to my rationale/logical side because she's been jaded by society, by my previous relationships and seeing the hurt and pain that love can cause. My heart has managed to somehow retain some form of Hope, and that's what I listen to when it comes to matters of the heart. If I can still hear and respond to Hope, then I have no reason to follow anything else.
Wow..that's so inspiring. I love all of what you said :) And the part about others settling and telling you there's no "one," my ex said the exact same thing to me..He's the only one who has ever had that point of view, so I didn't pay much attention to it after he and I broke our relationship.

Why did that girl leave, by the way, if you don't mind me asking?
 

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I also don't want to leave him because I care deeply for him. I've already broken his heart too many times. I couldn't bear to do it again.

I do love my boyfriend, but it's the sweet, caring kind of love. The other guy attracts me because he offers that passionate love you mentioned. I know in my heart that the passionate love is what I want, but I would settle for sweet, caring love that lasts.

I love the last thing you said. I do know there is someone better for me than who I'm with, and even the other guy, but I feel like I've already gone too far to back down at this point. I made the decision to be with my boyfriend and committed to him, and I have just started learning how to be happy with him. It seems like a good direction, but you're right. I am very apprehensive. I have been trying to get in to a psychologist lately, but it's been hard to get a hold of her. Maybe I should try harder lol..I need my head on straight so I can make a decision about this. Whatever I pick is life-changing..so maybe that's why I'm scared to make a move right now.
Sweetheart, you are too young, far, far too young to decide that you're going to give up on someone who will make you happy. There is never a point where you can say that your happiness is less than another's. How would you feel if you knew that your boyfriend gave up on finding someone that he knew would make him happier because he didn't want to hurt you? Love and a life living with someone who only pities you... I do not know how people are able to do it. I know I would slowly die inside every day, and I have heard those sentiments from others every day.

And in staying with him, you are also keeping him from finding someone who could make him happier. Which one is more selfish? Keeping him and slowly breaking both your hearts or letting him go and giving you both the opportunity to grieve, recover, and heal and set off on your adventures to finding the perfect love.

I really, really don't want to push you one way or the other, but I feel that you're looking at this with far too narrow perspective and you need to take away your blinders prior to making /any/ decision. If after you have taken away all your justifications and "I don't want to hurt him" logic and looked at what your heart and soul and head desire you still make the decision to stay with him, then fantastic! You've made the choice that was best for you and there will not be regrets. Just please, please don't limit yourself because of fear of hurting someone else, or you'll only hurt yourself.

*hugs* don't give up on anything and listen to your heart and soul and gut and mind.
 

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Wow..that's so inspiring. I love all of what you said :) And the part about others settling and telling you there's no "one," my ex said the exact same thing to me..He's the only one who has ever had that point of view, so I didn't pay much attention to it after he and I broke our relationship.

Why did that girl leave, by the way, if you don't mind me asking?
Cynics rule the world and it's hard to find people who are still willing to see beyond their own unpleasant experiences with life. If you want to hear opinions untainted by life and hardships, go to a college campus, go to a high school or an elementary school. You talk with people who have fewer reasons not to believe but haven't experienced life to have enough "reasons" to believe either. Hear what they say.

As for my friend, there was a mis-understanding about what could be shared and what couldn't be shared with a small group of friends. Actually, it had started a lot earlier. For as close as we were there was a lot going on with a group of eight of us that was slowly expanded to include three others and there were two others peripherally involved. There were some things that everyone knew, a lot of things that the periphery two didn't know, several things that the other three didn't know, some things that me and another friend didn't know, etc. etc. She had given the okay for some information to be passed on to others in the middle-end of March and then in August took offense that it was passed on because apparently the situation changed sometime in June but because I was so unavailable to talk to and she was unavailable to talk to, I had not gotten that memo. When she finally got back in contact with me, it was basically to say, "thanks for being such an ass, I can't trust you anymore, goodbye. Oh, and you're lying to yourself, you're a Puff, not a Claw. *click*"

Greatest irony is that I still respect her privacy and that of the others involved. I have very little reason to be honorable and maintain that, but I would be very unhappy with myself if I were to betray them in that way. So... basically half of my life from November '09 to March '10 is going to be forgotten, at least as best as I can manage. I lost at least three good friends in addition to her in that falling out.

It is what it is and is one of the things I regret most about my life, but I do not know that I would change things were I presented with the same set of circumstances again. *shrugs* Past is past and not something to dwell upon beyond learning lessons and moving on.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Sweetheart, you are too young, far, far too young to decide that you're going to give up on someone who will make you happy. There is never a point where you can say that your happiness is less than another's. How would you feel if you knew that your boyfriend gave up on finding someone that he knew would make him happier because he didn't want to hurt you? Love and a life living with someone who only pities you... I do not know how people are able to do it. I know I would slowly die inside every day, and I have heard those sentiments from others every day.

And in staying with him, you are also keeping him from finding someone who could make him happier. Which one is more selfish? Keeping him and slowly breaking both your hearts or letting him go and giving you both the opportunity to grieve, recover, and heal and set off on your adventures to finding the perfect love.

I really, really don't want to push you one way or the other, but I feel that you're looking at this with far too narrow perspective and you need to take away your blinders prior to making /any/ decision. If after you have taken away all your justifications and "I don't want to hurt him" logic and looked at what your heart and soul and head desire you still make the decision to stay with him, then fantastic! You've made the choice that was best for you and there will not be regrets. Just please, please don't limit yourself because of fear of hurting someone else, or you'll only hurt yourself.

*hugs* don't give up on anything and listen to your heart and soul and gut and mind.
It's really hard for me to know the right thing for me to do, yet I can give others advice easily. I don't know why. But I've been searching for some advice about this for a while now, so thank you, and others too.

You're right, and I never looked at it this way. It is more selfish to stay with someone who loves you so much but you don't love as much as you know you should. Part of me has wanted to not be with him for a while now, but I still care so much and think we can work through it. I don't want to do anything rash of course. I'm going to see a counselor or something soon so I can make a good decision about it. But thank you, it really really helps to hear things like this, things I haven't thought of myself.

*hug*
 

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I think I've expressed this opinion before, but: A soulmate is someone who is perfect for you so long as you are with them.

I don't believe in just one soulmate, nor do I believe in love that has the ability to last an eternity. However, I believe that everyone has several people in the world who are or could be just completely right for them at any given time.

This post will probably not be popular because it is a bit realistic and not, I suppose, romantic in the cliched classic sense.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
I think I've expressed this opinion before, but: A soulmate is someone who is perfect for you so long as you are with them.

I don't believe in just one soulmate, nor do I believe in love that has the ability to last an eternity. However, I believe that everyone has several people in the world who are or could be just completely right for them at any given time.

This post will probably not be popular because it is a bit realistic and not, I suppose, romantic in the cliched classic sense.
Actually, I think it's quite good. So basically, I'm assuming you believe not in "the One" but "a One"? It makes sense..there's gotta be a lot of people out there who compliment your personality. But people change, so they wouldn't necessarily be a right fit forever.

So how would you go about finding someone to be with you for the rest of your life? Would you choose a soul mate or someone you know you could love always? Or none of the above?
 

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A soulmate is someone you would still not feel complete without even when your life is complete.

Whether you know that person is your soulmate or not... It's something that only two souls can detect/ know when they're together or connected.

''People who are meant to be together always find their way in the end.''
 

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Actually, I think it's quite good. So basically, I'm assuming you believe not in "the One" but "a One"? It makes sense..there's gotta be a lot of people out there who compliment your personality. But people change, so they wouldn't necessarily be a right fit forever.

So how would you go about finding someone to be with you for the rest of your life? Would you choose a soul mate or someone you know you could love always? Or none of the above?
Thank you, that surprises me.

Well, you know, yeah, there are several "Ones" over most people's lifetimes, and in my case, I might have a few "Ones" in my life at the same time, because my heart seems to be naturally polyamorous.

Right, exactly. Circumstances change, people change, everything changes, everything eventually ends. I think of it as, people have their bonds, their connections, which may be altered in nature over time, but the important thing is the presence of that connection. Sometimes those connections just cut off. There's not even always an easy explanation. It just seems to be a law of the universe.

I grew up in a divorce situation, and actually, divorce is a pattern going back several generations in my family, and I don't want to follow that. I know on so many levels that all things are temporary, and people drift apart or betray each other or die. It would take a lot for me to make a life commitment, and I'm not likely to do that until I've reached a point in my life where I've settled down in the rest of my life, found the right fit in location and profession.

What would have to happen would be that the other person would have to have been there alongside me for a long time, proven themselves trustworthy, loyal, devoted, but still independent, ambitious, having a life and interests of their own. I would have to really respect and admire them, you know. I mean, I love and I am so devoted very easily, in spite of all flaws. The catch is that, in order for me to say I'll love someone until the day I die, they have to prove themselves someone worthy of that commitment.

As far as finding someone, I don't really think you'll find anyone good if you're actively searching. It's more like, you have to be open to, recognize, and take advantage of opportunities. It seems like the right person is always looming close, so if you're out there, you'll meet that person pretty soon.
 

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*Sigh*

My first love and I, we were very young. It's most likely that we may never get back together again, but I can't say that I entirely regret loving him.

I'm sure that I loved him very much and he loved me very much. It was nice and beautiful. I still remember several of the first messages he ever sent me via mobile phone. I once wrote,''I don't know why it seems like I have everything but something is missing.'' Then he replied,''What is missing?'' (Messages were in our native language, but I translated them to English). I remember him looking at photos of me in an album, photos taken of me when I was an even younger child. He said,''You're so cute.'' Once when he was at my house, I went upstairs for a while and then when I went down to the living room, I was like,''I'm sorry I kept you waiting.'' He said playfully,''It's okay. I'm with her'' pointing to my photo in an album.

We loved each other, I always remember our love as something pure, young and innocent. I've grown to know a LOT of people over the years after that, but somehow something about us can't be replaced.

We may not be soulmates, but I know it was love. And I think it shaped me.
 

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..... After my first love, there is M. :crazy:

I admit M. is tougher on me than my first love. My first love pampered me to bits. Not this one.

I still remember the time on the phone when I asked,''Where are you?''
M.,'' I'm still finding a place to park my car''
I was like,''So park down there''
M.,''Why don't you pay for my parking ticket?'' in a sharp tone

(In our native language but I translated to english :crazy:)

Also this;

M. (via text message),''Stop bothering me''

*The next day he went to my house. I was like, wtf*

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

M. knows me very well. If I pull a crap-dramatic act, I can fool people...not him. He can see right through me. At times, I know he just would like nothing better than to tell me off. I just know he would like to kick me in the guts if he had the power to, because I sometimes need someone to disapprove of a few of my actions or kick some sense into me.. *Lol*

When he's around, I always feel at home and comforted, without a need of a word. He makes me feel like..when I'm exhausted by a few facades in life, all I can do is either think of him or just stand beside him, and that can be enough. It's like coming home everytime. I can't even explain our connection to people, because I know most people won't get it.

I don't think I'll ever meet a guy who can equally drive me crazy, irritate me and cause butterflies in my stomach like M does.

He is part of my young life and my adult life. I adore him.

I don't get attached to people easily. Those experiences are so worth it :)
 
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