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Landlord was finally feeling better yesterday. Pretty sure he did as I predicted he would and overdid it because he wasn't feeling quite as well today, but he's up and about which is a definite improvement for someone who can't sit still for long. The fact that he could mow the lawn at all shows he's definitely feeling more human. Or at least bipedal.

I, on the other hand, was ill this morning. Seem to be better, I'm hoping it's just the standard digestive upset I get when I don't stay on top of my allergies and stay hydrated. And maybe more hummus and/or cheddar cheese popcorn topping than was particularly wise yesterday. In any case I have some time off coming up, and the last thing I want is to be ill through it.

Especially since I just messaged a bunch of friends/family asking if they want to Skype then. My introverted needs are fully satisfied at this time, but the old mental patterns die hard. Kind of envisioning a full day of socializing virtually, and even in my current human-contact-deprived state the prospect is a wee bit daunting. But I know it will be good for me and if I'm lucky it will be spread over a few days.

I keep thinking that one of the things that something that will happen when I grow up one day is that my tolerance for isolating/socializing will not be so much of a moving target. It's probably time to give that idea up once and for all.
 
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Ah, there's that quote I wanted the other day:

“When you think in categories, you underestimate how different two facts are when they fall in the same category.
When you think in categories, you overestimate how different they are when there happens to be a boundary in between them.
And when you pay attention to categorical boundaries, you don't see big pictures.” ― Robert Sapolsky, human behavior class
 

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So I've finally figured out why lying liars who lie unnecessarily to me irk the dog mess out of me. It has nothing to do w/a moral compass or strategic planning and everything to do with me disliking pertinent info being withheld.

& funny enough, I realized it while attending a focus group for data companies. Before then (and pre-corona-showing-how-incompetent-most-"experts"-are-when-it-comes-to-educating-the-people), I didn't think I had a hard-on for gathering information. Turns out I do!

Dad reminded me about childhood occurrences and how he thought I felt that adults were hiding things from me, so I'd stay awake as late as possible watching documentaries and/or snooping on what he was doing to assuage my... suspicions. Ha.

Turns out they were hiding very important info, so I guess that developed into a background paranoia about liars into adulthood.

It feels pretty neat to figure out a trigger point because I have been (mentally) hysterical and pissed tf off at certain governments for not informing the people of The Truth lately. Now I can sorta relax and tell myself that it's a thing I need to recognize, deal with and get over, rather than wasting time, arguing w/folks for no daggone reason as an outlet.

Phew.
 

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So work managed to reduce me to tears again yesterday.

The big trigger was our "KPI" score - which is basically the scores they use to determine the bonuses and 'status' of the account. For my team/group, we have one - ONE - metric. That metric is based on the least business-essential task we do. Literally the least business essential thing (but it's easy to measure). This metric has 3 results - you can "Exceed," "Meet," "Does Not Meet," expectations. 6-8 "misses" (which there is a zero tolerance for - one day late is a "miss" regardless of any circumstances) is Meet - less than 6 you are "exceeding" and more than 8 you are considered a complete and utter failure.

We average 2 of these every single day. Not counting any PTO, any other projects, urgent matters, "emergencies," or any of the other of hundreds of things we do every day (I process ~200+ emails a day, and have to personally respond to ~85/day). That's not counting any of our actual tasks.

A difference of 3 of these reviews (it is reviewing an abstracted document) over an entire quarter is the difference between exceeding expectations or complete and total failure.

Whoever came up with this numbers and metrics is absolutely clueless about our jobs (my boss is the worst culprit), and they make NO sense whatsoever - but no one cares about that.

And add in that the client [email protected]$%@# has gone from bad to horrendous, I almost walked yesterday (again).

I am just over the shit.

I have a 72 hour rule. We are at 24 hours.....
 

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So I've finally figured out why lying liars who lie unnecessarily to me irk the dog mess out of me. It has nothing to do w/a moral compass or strategic planning and everything to do with me disliking pertinent info being withheld.

& funny enough, I realized it while attending a focus group for data companies. Before then (and pre-corona-showing-how-incompetent-most-"experts"-are-when-it-comes-to-educating-the-people), I didn't think I had a hard-on for gathering information. Turns out I do!

Dad reminded me about childhood occurrences and how he thought I felt that adults were hiding things from me, so I'd stay awake as late as possible watching documentaries and/or snooping on what he was doing to assuage my... suspicions. Ha.

Turns out they were hiding very important info, so I guess that developed into a background paranoia about liars into adulthood.

It feels pretty neat to figure out a trigger point because I have been (mentally) hysterical and pissed tf off at certain governments for not informing the people of The Truth lately. Now I can sorta relax and tell myself that it's a thing I need to recognize, deal with and get over, rather than wasting time, arguing w/folks for no daggone reason as an outlet.

Phew.
I am not pleased with liars who lie unnecessarily either. I can't blame them because lying has been a tool for them, it works for them, and they get away with it.

So I'm left feeling cursed because I can see through their lies. At first, I was curious about spotting lies so I read a lot about it. Now that I can spot lies, I find it even harder to trust people. Work is very important for me and my colleagues who have to lie as a coverup to their incompetencies and laziness is just wrong. Lying about their previous relationships does not make sense too. If they fear being judged by me, why do they even talk about their life? Do I look interested? I can tolerate small talks even during a busy day but inconsistent stories are just ughhh.

Is it just me or there's a ton of people lying around because they benefit from it? I miss my younger days--I don't have to mingle as much and my friends back then had more interesting and truthful stories. I can't help but ask if I attract these kind of people :/
 

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I am not pleased with liars who lie unnecessarily either. I can't blame them because lying has been a tool for them, it works for them, and they get away with it.

So I'm left feeling cursed because I can see through their lies. At first, I was curious about spotting lies so I read a lot about it. Now that I can spot lies, I find it even harder to trust people. Work is very important for me and my colleagues who have to lie as a coverup to their incompetencies and laziness is just wrong. Lying about their previous relationships does not make sense too. If they fear being judged by me, why do they even talk about their life? Do I look interested? I can tolerate small talks even during a busy day but inconsistent stories are just ughhh.

Is it just me or there's a ton of people lying around because they benefit from it? I miss my younger days--I don't have to mingle as much and my friends back then had more interesting and truthful stories. I can't help but ask if I attract these kind of people :/
Nowadays? People have always lied as a benefit to themselves and will continue to do so.
 
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Feel fine as of yesterday afternoon. Landlord is convinced I shouldn't do laundry. Thank goodness I convinced him otherwise because the alternative is handwashing, which is a big fat nope, and I'm gonna run out of clean underthings soon.

And by handwashing I mean washing my clothes by hand. I am definitely washing my hands. Poor things are so dry their skin is flaking off even after multiple applications of lotion each day. I ordered some cotton gloves a while back and will see if the old overnight olive oil trick still works or if they're chapped beyond repair.

I did clean my place some today. Well, did the dishes and cleaned the counter and decluttered and organized recyclables, still need to clean the floors in both buildings (although now that it's finally dry enough to bring landlord's vacuum over here he probably won't want to because plague), both sinks, the stove, the tub, and the toilet. Hopefully I'll be in the mood tomorrow (it occurs to me that waiting until I feel like cleaning is about as dumbass a move as it gets for me, guess I need to switch up my strategy).

I wish apples weren't taking over my home, it makes it difficult to put the dishes on the table to dry. But my alliums bowl is full and my fruit bowl is doubling as a microwave popcorn* maker (stovetop is better but burns propane). So unless I want to dig through my boxes to find my blue glass bowl (and my plastic cutting boards while I'm at it, get tired of the counter being taken up twice a day when I slice produce because the wooden cutting board is so huge), the table is just apple land now.

First world problems, though. Things could be much worse. Like I could have actually forgotten to empty the toilet jug yesterday, an overflow would have been naaaaaasty. And, you know, disease.

Fun fact: I did not have trouble before, but I definitely will no longer forget the Spanish word for 19 after listening to the multicultural radio station this afternoon. Finally remembered to look up what it was, realized a few months ago all I was getting was Hindi and not Spanish, Russian, Mandarin, etc but never could remember to look it up when all I had free to operate electronics were dry elbows because I was nearly up to them in a sinkful of soapy dishes.

Have decided to order food via the one place that delivers now. A ton of produce every other week is about all I need at this point (discovered I did in fact make it home with enough oatmeal because they happened to not have very many of the same kind; apparently you can hoard if you don't mind having different varieties/brands of the same food).

I never really appreciated how much engaging with the external world gave me stuff to talk about. Not that much of what I have to say is interesting anyway, but good lord would I love to have something to talk about other than Covid-19 related stuff. And I think I'm currently experiencing what a friend of mine likes to laugh about. "I have a certain number of words a day that have to come out, so when I don't say much for a while it just becomes a deluge of details that don't matter."

Oh, speaking of related stuff, our boss told us we'll start to see things slow down soon, so we should notify him of availability as we have it so we can help out other hubs. Not sure whether that's a good sign or not. Also utterly confused given the torrent of quotes moving through our department as of late. I'm both annoyed and relieved that I haven't had time to take any of them on. I need the practice, but I hate having to estimate the amount of time it takes to do stuff. That usually entails having, you know, some perception of the flow of time, and I believe I've mentioned I don't seem to have one. In any case, it will be at least next week before I'm free of the three projects that have been plaguing me for some time now. One finally wraps up tomorrow and the other two will be almost completely past the most work-intensive parts, but there's going to be lots of little things flying back and forth for a while. I feel really bad leaving them to someone else for a couple days. Although the PM said one of them is far enough ahead it can just lie dormant during my absence, so that's awesome.

Yep, definitely need some human contact. It's getting too busy upstairs to last long without descending into a reality that doesn't exist outside my head.

*I still strongly believe popcorn should be called clatter corn. Both onomatopoeiac, but clatter sounds more, I dunno, collectively chaotic than pop.
 

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i feel someone should make a capybara movie, starring morgan freeman as a capybara




<<<<<<<------------------------take it frum a koon!

To me they look like a really small but hairy hippopotamus - a capybara that is.
 
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i feel someone should make a capybara movie, starring morgan freeman as a capybara
I support this suggestion. *nod*
 
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I never really appreciated how much engaging with the external world gave me stuff to talk about. Not that much of what I have to say is interesting anyway, but good lord would I love to have something to talk about other than Covid-19 related stuff.
Coworkers and I were just talking about this at lunch today. Previously, we would have some general nice chit chat and laughs at lunch together. Since this all started, it's quietness or covid and not much in between...because no one is doing anything of note to spark conversation lol Maybe some tv show conversations here or there but meh. It is interesting. Even if we weren't sitting around giving a blow-by-blow of what we did the day before or over the weekend or whatever, it was still like..maybe you talked to someone when you were out doing a thing and that sparked a thought that became a convo topic later at lunch that week, or maybe you did do actually something interesting that sparks various convos, and so on. Interesting, human interaction. :p
 

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Interesting, human interaction. :p
That's one word for it. :word:

Part of it too is also being preoccupied with what's going on. Otherwise I'm sure I'd have at least some little tangent to go off on. But it's difficult to stay focused on anything else with all the uncertainty (and stupidity), my thoughts keep drifting back to it even when I deliberately steer them in a different direction.

On the other hand, I'm an introvert mostly by myself. I can't really imagine being in a better position. I have just enough human contact with waving at the landlord and yelling across the yard at each other to feel like we're checking in on each other, and then I have my own place to retreat to. I'm not an introvert with people, I'm not an extrovert by myself or with others but limited access to external stimuli. Honestly, if it weren't for the cause I'd be enjoying myself. But right now the prospect of being in my head for four days straight is a bit daunting. It's a dark place in there just now.

Most of all, though, I'm super grateful that my marriage ended before this. I can't imagine being where I was at a year and a half ago with all the anxiety about whether he'd stay with me or not and then have this on top of it.

My biggest fear (albeit an unlikely scenario, thank goodness) is that the ex might end up with it. If he did, I'd then have to decide whether I wanted to visit/care for him or maybe even see him on his deathbed. That would be a very hard decision to make. I mentioned it to my therapy class, and someone said, "You have to take care of yourself first." It always surprises me when I realize I'm not doing that. Inferior Fe is a bitch of a blind spot (not that every blind spot doesn't have its own pitfalls, but it's just a weird thing to suddenly realize you're not at all in tune with what you need when you live your life on your terms the rest of the time). Thank goodness he's pretty healthy (even if he does come off as somewhat frail due to not being much larger than a child). Or I assume he is, he could be gasping for breath right now for all I know.

I know it's very unlikely, but it's hard to ignore when it's the emotional equivalent of trying to pretend not to see the hungry bear in the same room you're in.

Otherwise, though, I'm actually doing fairly well, just sort of waiting stuff out. And I'm hoping the bike rides I"ll be getting in will help. Work's been busy enough I haven't been as diligent about staying active as I should.

Also, I feel bad saying this, but in certain ways it's gratifying to see the average person in a situation where they're forced to take a close look at the systems behind how we live, how we want and choose to live our lives, and the impact that has on the outside world. I think most people don't do that nearly enough.
 
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My battery dealer *titters* said it's likely to be another month or two. So only a delay of a month so far. *crosses fingers* It's too bad I wasn't more proactive, or I could have spent a substantial amount of time this weened exploring ALL THE PLACES.
 
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If he did, I'd then have to decide whether I wanted to visit/care for him
why would it even be a question though? maybe i'm retarded about breakups but to me that's practically the definition of them. 'i do not welcome you at my deathbed, and whatever happens to me on the road towards it no longer has anything to do with you. ' there's two kinds of people to me: family and general populace. partnership is how someone can cross the divide, but if they cross back then that's it. they revert to general populace status to me. i d be about as likely to see a place for myself at an ex's death/sickbed as ... yeah.
 

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why would it even be a question though? maybe i'm retarded about breakups but to me that's practically the definition of them. 'i do not welcome you at my deathbed, and whatever happens to me on the road towards it no longer has anything to do with you. ' there's two kinds of people to me: family and general populace. partnership is how someone can cross the divide, but if they cross back then that's it. they revert to general populace status to me. i d be about as likely to see a place for myself at an ex's death/sickbed as ... yeah.
I don't seem to work that way. I can't just flick the switch off once I've cared for someone. Would that it were that simple.

Also, we were together for seven years, it's just going to take a while longer for me to get to a place where I see him as just a member of the general populace. A small but non-tiny part of me does feel that way already and the moments are getting longer and longer when I feel no more for him than I would for a random stranger...but not all of me, at least not yet. Probably one day.

Si and Fe are playing a part in all of this, though just exactly how I don't know. I sort of wonder if I'd experienced multiple breakups when I was younger if I'd have a more mature/realistic approach to things. No way to know, though.

Anyway, such a theoretical situation isn't really worth dwelling on. Fortunately for me Steam seems to have some good game sales going on just now. :tongue:
 
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So work managed to reduce me to tears again yesterday.

The big trigger was our "KPI" score - which is basically the scores they use to determine the bonuses and 'status' of the account. For my team/group, we have one - ONE - metric. That metric is based on the least business-essential task we do. Literally the least business essential thing (but it's easy to measure). This metric has 3 results - you can "Exceed," "Meet," "Does Not Meet," expectations. 6-8 "misses" (which there is a zero tolerance for - one day late is a "miss" regardless of any circumstances) is Meet - less than 6 you are "exceeding" and more than 8 you are considered a complete and utter failure.

We average 2 of these every single day. Not counting any PTO, any other projects, urgent matters, "emergencies," or any of the other of hundreds of things we do every day (I process ~200+ emails a day, and have to personally respond to ~85/day). That's not counting any of our actual tasks.

A difference of 3 of these reviews (it is reviewing an abstracted document) over an entire quarter is the difference between exceeding expectations or complete and total failure.

Whoever came up with this numbers and metrics is absolutely clueless about our jobs (my boss is the worst culprit), and they make NO sense whatsoever - but no one cares about that.

And add in that the client [email protected]$%@# has gone from bad to horrendous, I almost walked yesterday (again).

I am just over the shit.

I have a 72 hour rule. We are at 24 hours.....
that's what makes me queasy about my own profession. 'metrics'. it's so seductive for humans and so easy to take the numbers without looking at them. that's their whole appeal. 'saves me having to do it the old way, ie by thinking it through.' no, you still need to think. but performance dashboards n shit actually make it harder for people to know what they're looking at. i think i'd hesitate before taking another contract with a company in the education field, TBH. I worried too much about whether what we would be showing was going to inform decisions that would be good for people's actual lives.

with that said, my own spreadsheet says we're below 10% after four weeks. sure, because all major structures have gone offline. i really think the only way out of this is going to be through, so i still have money on rolling brownouts and cycles of loading up on new cases then shedfingvthe load.

I sometimes think it will come down a kind of mobility rationing. like, everyone gets X days of lockdown release every month, and everyone has to 'pay' a certain number of days into the collective in which they stay home. in south africa during the opec crisis, i seem to think they rationed gas by only letting you tank up on particular days of the week, based on the car's license plate. Ends in odd number? Tuesday Thursday Saturday. Even? Mon Wed Fri. And on Sundays erryone goes to church.

part of me wants them to do that just to see what would come out of it. If you did it by odd/even though, people who were in different groups would never cross paths with one another. hmm.
 
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As I was sitting in an antigravity chair talking on the phone to my grandma, I looked across the sunny yard to some trees in the shade. OMG the pollen. Not just a mote here or there, but all through the air, flying about violently. Reminds me of the first year I was here when some species of tree had been stressed into releasing its pollen early. Everything was covered in orange. I'd wipe off my car (wow that was a long time ago) and a few hours later it would have an orange tint to it again.

I moved back inside. It's a crime to be indoors on such a gorgeous day, but until my balaclava is finished drying I won't be biking or doing anything else that involves breathing outdoors.
 
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