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Friend: What do I do if the store is out of toilet paper?
Me: Depends.
 

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Friend: What do I do if the store is out of toilet paper?
Me: Depends.
.

my programmer friend is a worrywart. she's not going to feel happy until she's mailed face masks all the way from georgia or texas or somewhere to me, so i told her she could.

then she tells me she knows the perfect use for the leftover parts of the sheet once she's done making them, and i was more shocked by that than i was by the whole tpgate thing in the first place. i went 'you can't flush sheets!' in this say-it-ain't-so kidn of way she's probably still laughing at.

we're all getting thoroughly addled and losing all notions of normal comportment iyam. my sister says she bought a sourdough "animal" through the royal mail and says she is 'waking it up in the airing cupboard'. i'm sorry i didn't ask her where she is drying her laundry, but i guess she's keeping that the oven. if she's doing it.
 

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ullghggh. we've had these selenium 'tutorials' going for months where i work, and much as it's a huge windfall to have access to them for free through a workplace, not to speak of a full-dress subscription to visual studio . . . the guy isn't much of a teacher, which is hard to quality-check him on since he's also diong it free. and i'm months behind, between buttface obligations in january and february, then a vs mess he couldn't be bothered to help me sort out, and then my own early-march illness followed immediately by lockdown and a deluge of actual work.

and his cavalier attitude towards accounting for the various fiats he's handed out. it has been such a long time since i subjected myself to trying to learn something through anyone else's format, i find myself almost as stymied by my (maybe unique?) way of arriving at comprehension, as i used to be when i was younger than 20 and had only two ways 'education' could go. either i knew it already and it was painless because i didn't have to approach it 'their' way. or i floundered.

later in life i did learn how to just kind of learn things clandestinely in my own way, but hide my methods from anyoen else because it wasn't worth trying to justify 'how i learn stuff' to peopel who didn't get it. and it works, or it worked. but that clandestine-ness needs certain conditions that are not easy in certain formats.

so i flounder with him. fairness to him: he's got four of us to cater to, he's doing this out of public-spiritedness (or as a political move), and i am a very challenging student at times. i know it. i try to find middle ground between not totally hijacking an entire class to my own special needs, and not lettin gmyself be totally overlooked and dismissed because i'm not 'typical'.

i'm challenging because i'm demanding and defensive in equal measures, boht of htem high. so much of my strategy for managing my own education is not about processing info from 'them'. it's about blocking them so they don't 'explain' something to me. their explanations are meaningless. they confuse me, or they waste my time without adding anything, or the ignore the question i'm trying to ask. it's hard work, having to manage and control my own teachers so hard.

it's hard with most people, but with this guy it got nasty such a long time ago that i'm really not there anymore even when i am 'there'. i don't bother to ask him my questions these days. it's possible he could answer them. i can't be sure because he never does, and i'm trying to maintain decorum too since this is my workplace as well. so i try up to a certain threshold and then i just give up. very early our pattern became your standard n/s struggle. i blame it on sensorship, anyway. i don't know what other way of explaining it. typically, it goes like any or several of this:

me: question.
him: why do you want to know?
me: just answer me.

me: question.
him: it's irrelevant.
me: it isn't. i need to know this, or it will not make sense. therefore it is not irrelevant.
him: what do you mean, 'or it will not make sense'. it makes sense.
me: what i'm telling you, dude. not to me.
him: well, you need to keep up with the class.
me: YOU need to answer my fucking question so i can 'keep up' with the fucking class.

me: i don't understand this part of it.
him: it's obvious.
me: no, it isn't. [nuance] and [nuance] too.
him: *silence*
me: i don't know which one is right.
him: it doesn't make any difference.
me: but . . . it does though. it does.
him: anyway, you're slowing everything down.

tl;dr: was supposed to spend the long weekend 'catching up' on my own, and did not.
 

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I'm still sulking because month ago I did this homework that he ripped to shreds because I packaged each concepts into nice discrete little methods, and then called them from the main one. On principle, not because that particular thing was all that complex at all. But nooooo, he guts all my pretty little pieces, pushes all the code back into the main method, and dismisses all [I tried to make it genuinely] neutral attempts to find out whether 'good practice' has changed since my long-ago day.

I got over that - in that way where you don't, really,but for decorum sake you realise you'd better just let it go. But what's pissed me off freshly is: now that we're further along and writing actual tests and cases he is gutting g everyone's work while scolding and lecturing now about how exactly that is the only 'right' way to go.

I understand that it's petty. I realise people suck and have the introspection of gnats. I get, even, about how he was probably scaling his concepts he wanted to expose us to. But oh my god how it pisses me off. If you're right when you're right then there should be no such thing as 'right when you fit what I was planning to teach'.
 

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I currently find it hard to motivate myself to work on my coding skills.

I'm a beginner/ intermediate, depending on the language, but it does work if I'm trying. Actually it's amazing how much it works given I didn't study much. Learning coding well is part of my plan for the future. I do think I'm quite good at grasping it too. I've managed to automate many work tasks already and love doing it.

However, it seems I've lost much of my ability to enter the hyperfocus state in the last years. This state where nothing exists for you, just the task. And the lockdown complicates the situation since you need to plan going out strategically and shopping takes ages because of the queues and I need to deal with lack of some products I normally have access to (orange juice, please someone bring me some orange juice).
 

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me: question.
him: it's irrelevant.
me: it isn't. i need to know this, or it will not make sense. therefore it is not irrelevant.
him: what do you mean, 'or it will not make sense'. it makes sense.
me: what i'm telling you, dude. not to me.
him: well, you need to keep up with the class.
me: YOU need to answer my fucking question so i can 'keep up' with the fucking class.

me: i don't understand this part of it.
him: it's obvious.
me: no, it isn't. [nuance] and [nuance] too.
him: *silence*
me: i don't know which one is right.
him: it doesn't make any difference.
me: but . . . it does though. it does.
him: anyway, you're slowing everything down.

tl;dr: was supposed to spend the long weekend 'catching up' on my own, and did not.
I was just saying something similar to a few coworkers and my supervisors, since I'm in a new workplace learning new procedures and things. I made the statement something to the effect of - I'm not really a person where you sit the thing in front of me and say "here do this, do it this way" because it doesn't make sense to me. I need to know underlying things and why and so on.. that's why I ask the questions I do. Even if I have a template or something to copy from, I am not really learning and it still doesn't make sense what or why I'm doing something, the reason for it, the piece in the big picture, etc.

They got it finally, and I wasn't saying it in a mean way but just clarifying for them - mostly because it was after a meeting where I kept asking the same question 5 different ways because they weren't answering until finally they got it and answered which helped me finally get it and I think it was one of those "why would you even ask that, it's irrelevant" things - but to me it's not. I can't just DO THE THING without knowing like some people do.

Anyway, I think this is similar and I relate to you is what this meant. :p
 

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was one of those "why would you even ask that, it's irrelevant" things - but to me it's not. I can't just DO THE THING without knowing like some people do.
It's exhausting sometimes, ime. And I'm a bit daunted by how much childish trauma-reaction is still lurking there. I have been control-freaking my own learning process for such a long time that I thought I had hold of the problem itself. But obviously I don't. Not in a 'classroom' format, anyway.

I think I've been bullying my way towards getting my comprehension needs met by isolating my victims and carving them out if the herd where I can get them alone. 'Yo. Peon. Explain this to me' kind of mode. 'Don't bother me with whatever you think, cough up the fact that I want and shut up. '

It doesn't work in classrooms, where the preemptive power is all at the front of the room - unless you have a genuine, enlightened teacher who doesn't want it that way. I remember years ago talking to a professional salesman socially, and he cut me off all of a sudden and said 'are you a teacher?' No, why? 'teachers. I hate 'em. They're always trying to be in control. ' he was a typical salesman so I sneered at him :tongue: but he was right that left to my own needs I'm conversationally bossier than people expect. I can do that 1:1 but I don't feel right doing it when it's 1 against the collective needs of a whole class. Sigh.
 
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Apparently Easter Monday was a holiday for our office last year but not this year. -_- Boss didn't really care so long as I put in for time off, but I showed him last year's calendar as I wanted him to be aware that I didn't just make it up or something. It's embarrassing to make a mistake like that and not have some explanation as to why you were wrong and, more importantly, let the person know I won't be making the mistake again.

Oh well, apparently I have more vacation now that I've passed the probationary period, so I'm taking it off anyway.
 

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It's exhausting sometimes, ime. And I'm a bit daunted by how much childish trauma-reaction is still lurking there. I have been control-freaking my own learning process for such a long time that I thought I had hold of the problem itself. But obviously I don't. Not in a 'classroom' format, anyway.

I think I've been bullying my way towards getting my comprehension needs met by isolating my victims and carving them out if the herd where I can get them alone. 'Yo. Peon. Explain this to me' kind of mode. 'Don't bother me with whatever you think, cough up the fact that I want and shut up. '

It doesn't work in classrooms, where the preemptive power is all at the front of the room - unless you have a genuine, enlightened teacher who doesn't want it that way. I remember years ago talking to a professional salesman socially, and he cut me off all of a sudden and said 'are you a teacher?' No, why? 'teachers. I hate 'em. They're always trying to be in control. ' he was a typical salesman so I sneered at him :tongue: but he was right that left to my own needs I'm conversationally bossier than people expect. I can do that 1:1 but I don't feel right doing it when it's 1 against the collective needs of a whole class. Sigh.

lol that end of it we definitely handle differently :p I actually learn in classes fine, it's more when we get down to nitty gritty where I have to apply things and then people need to tell me more and answer my questions not just "do the thing". I may come across as tiresome with my questions :D

Can definitely see how it could manifest the way you're saying though.
 
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I've been frustrated for years for being seemingly differently-motivated than other people. Got me to wondering what DOES motivate me. For a while I couldn't think of anything, but I finally managed to identify a few:

- Access to mental stimulation (this may be access to information/learning, or being in a situation where I can easily conduct experiments/explore things in the outside world)

- Autonomy/independence/freedom/liberty (I want freedom from control, interference, obligation, restriction, hampering conditions, manipulation, coercion, etc. and the ability to self-govern (hopefully wisely, but I'm so dang stubborn about it I sometimes choose acting foolishly based on my own motivation than acting wisely under someone else's influence) and act according to my choice); this may seem odd (and quite frankly dumb), but I don't even like acting under restrictions that I choose

(I would prefer the above two to be in the reverse order, but as hard as I try I can't deny mental stimulation is the priority)

- Having close relationships in which I can freely share my thoughts without being made to feel wrong/broken in some way about having those thoughts (being fully accepted as you are is one of the greatest forms of love, or at least that's how I personally experience it)

- Being able to spend time in person with the people with whom I'm in said relationships

Edited to add: Also some form of stability. Used to be financial, but since I have that nailed down I guess it's more the ability to move my life in the direction I want. Having freedom of choice is important, but so is the ability to execute those choices.
 

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Since Friday I've talked to my grandmother, my best friend, ISTJ buddy and wife, my niece, and a friend from my knitting group on either the phone or Skype (and there would have been another had she picked up the phone). Well over 5 hours of talking total. I do feel a lot better, I should probably try to call someone every day or two for a while to keep my mood up. Until I talked to people today I was feeling very sorry for myself and feeling lonelier than I've felt in a long time. I miss hugs.
 

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Well, my job is moving me to New York.

Virtually, of course. That would have been a hard nope otherwise. :tongue:

Sounds like I'll just be doing generic DTP rather than eLearning, so might be a bit of a snoozefest. Which should be fine as I can listen to podcasts and audiobooks, but might not be fantastic for my enthusiasm. I'll just have to remind myself of the fact that I'm saving an absurd amount of money and, you know, am EMPLOYED at all.

Though maybe there will be more graphics work. That would be nice as it wouldn't hurt to brush up my skills in that area. Have had hardly any of it lately, and I was never very good at it to begin with. Though Photoshop's content-aware fill feature has taken out most of the hard stuff.

In any case, I was kind of surprised at my reaction. Normally a change like that would get me quite down as I lean on Si too much and like things to stay the same for far longer than is healthy, but maybe it's because I can't make the move to the Big City and am feeling stuck, so this change feels like a little bit of a substitute, sort of a bone the universe is throwing at me. Or something.

Mostly I fear for my motivation, though, since it's a bit of a move backwards. I'm having a really difficult time staying on task. Really ought to remember to get in walks during the day, I think ACTUALLY being physically active would help. I basically have had maybe an hour total of exercise in the last three weeks. :sad: I want to when I'm working, but once work is over and I no longer have to do what anyone else wants, I just want to numb out with TV or knitting or anything but exercise. And unfortunately, being inertia it's self-perpetuating.

A friend offered to walk with me, but she's going out twice a week. If it were just me, fine because I'm having my groceries delivered now and so have no other outside contact, but I do want to make sure landlord is protected.

Though a friend of his delivered groceries today and didn't seem to maintain distance, so maybe I should just say fuck it and do it.

Oh, the other thing: my hours will change. Instead of 7 to 4 I'm going to be 10 to 7. If I can drag my ass out of bed early and get in some alone time before work I think it will work well for me (there's probably going to be a lot of communication for the first week or two until I learn the ropes doing different things for an office who does things differently), but getting out of bed has been the number one thing I struggle with since I started working remotely six months ago forever.

But hey, work! :kitteh:
 

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I actually learn in classes fine, it's more when we get down to nitty gritty where I have to apply things
I like to apply them as I learn them. Like buying something new and wanting to play with it immediately. But I don't like doing someone else's prescribed 'exercises'. If I get it, there is no better challenge to your comprehension than making up your own 'tests' that will make you use the knowledge. That's when I get it. I wander away on my own thing g and stop paying attention :p. When I don't get it, repeatedly doing 'exercises' doesn't lpe, so I get sullen and uppity. I'm way more of a problem child than anyone around me ever knew.

My squishy friend answered some of the most fundamental questions for me and it cleared up S major logjam (touch wood). Thank goodness for her. She's had the idea for 20 years I'm also a genius, which is entirely wrong. But my god it does help to know someone who doesn't need the questions explained to them.

The biggest break she gave me was: I asked the question in an on-its-face kind of way - just the facts, Ma'am kids d of thing. And in the process of answering me she gifted me with this massive realization that I had been RIGHT to think something didn't make sense. It didn't, but there was a reason for it. And once I understood her information I saw it applied perfectly to the fundamental bebotheredness that was stopping me from Just Doing The Thing.

I can talk my own language to her. We use metaphors as examples and it just saves so much time.

Plus, fun.

 

Programmer: because when your [class] is static, that means that all objects that it instantiates are acted on by its methods.

Me: Huh.
Me: so... I have a class called person.
Her: K.
Me: person susie = new person('blah');
Her: :p person lily = new person ('bleep'); . Right.
Me: so you're telling me that if the class is static, and I want to make Susie.ChewGum() ...
Her: egzackly. You can't. Susie chews gum, everybody chews gum. Person.ChewGum().
Me: that's pretty awe inspiring. Just think. You could instantiate everyone in a clump, and if you could bottle this, then someone else could do the marathon running for all of us.
Her: yeah!!! Person.EatVegetables()
Me: :D :D
 

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@VinnieBob

My school has reported a new confirmed case of COVID-19. For some reason, it feels funny. After all this time, they only got one case? That's the catastrophe? Unfortunately, even the middle of nowhere is not immune.
Allegany county is so boring even the virus stays out of there:jazz:
 

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Allegany county is so boring even the virus stays out of there:jazz:
I recall a random history teacher moment where he said that if the governor ever came over there, he wouldn't be leaving. I think it is because the residents were politically opposed to him or felt undernourished with state support. That's why the governor never goes over there.
 

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FIL has the Big Bad Bug. He's okay, but his doctor said he could feel find and then two or three hours later be on a ventilator. He said that's unlikely, but a possibility.

RIP hand flesh. It's coming off in strips. Guess lotion's going to be a daily necessity now.

Talked with NY office today. The work is all done on Macs. :crying: I was good on them in the mid-90s, but when I was working in the office they were horribly slow for me to use even in person because the keyboard shortcuts are not what I'm used to. Plus the last time I worked on a Mac remotely it was unbearably slow. I hope it's something I can get over quickly.

At least I'll be brushing up on InDesign. Never felt properly up to speed in it, so it will be nice to use it enough to feel confident in it.

In the meantime, my mother is trying to use Skype. She might have it figured out by May. :dry:
 

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In the meantime, my mother is trying to use Skype. She might have it figured out by May. :dry:
My mother could use Zoom, much easier because it allow people using it without registering and signing in albeit can only passively invited rather than actively inviting. I heard house party is also a good app.
 
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