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@listentothemountains
I read your post in another thread, about why you write longer posts in the Stream of Conscious thread, and that you'll really know what you think about something when you've actually tried to explain it.
That's why I used to think something was missing after I write about a certain idea, almost if I'm lying to myself.
@bethdeth
I remember when I first came here, you told me to look for, and identify my motives, in order to (drive) my life a certain path. Thank you for that, I knew I had a purpose in life, I believed it, however, I wasn't being honest in pursuing it. that's the key, I wasn't honest with myself, honesty is what drives me. To each his own, but what drives me is this, to me nothing is higher than this ideal.
@Abraxas
I started reading your posts, hoping to see a certain side of your intellect, because I want to learn from you.
What I see now in what you wrote, the last few pages, is wisdom, mixed with a clear attempt to push toward resolution, and I thank you for this.
I also want to tell you why I mention you specifically. It's because I've never related to a male before.
I surround myself with female influence, because it feels more natural. Always competitive and aggressive toward my own gender.
You're the first of my own gender who possesses something I actually understand and relate to.

For example, what you wrote about being [we'll call it Task oriented], I tried that three years ago, (college junior), when I had an epiphany, that I should rise from the circumstance that surrounds me, and make myself.
And I was also thinking the exact same thing. I will not be able to maintain this at a certain level for a long period of time, I will slip, but it's ok, because it will always be at the back of my mind.

I've got to tell you, this becomes easier with time, and you feel like you're doing exactly what you're supposed to do in life.
One thing I noticed, is that a certain tone or language is important to perfect if I didn't want to push people away by doing this.
For instance, because I'm known for discipline in class, and always take notes of everything, a person comes up to me and asks for my notes, but I don't want to give them (This happens all time, almost every day), so what do I say? something along the meaning of:
1- I'm not gonna give you my notes, write your own.
2- My notes are private.

Number one is actually more offensive. Yes, I used to not care about that, but after a while I felt dry, pissing off people who were, for all I know, good in nature. And it contradicted my desire to feel like a good person, so I stopped, I listened to one of my most basic desires.


The other thing I relate to, is why you're being so hard on yourself, but I think I wrote enough.
Finally I want to ask you to please, write more here.

-------------------------------------------------


I felt I should say all of this, to be honest, especially about what I'm learning, and to let you guys know that someone is picking up a the trail of wisdom behind the more mature INTJ's.
 

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I deleted 50-60 Mb of updates from the facebook and G+ apps on my phone. Guess what? They run about ten times better!
The G+ app might even be considered "fast" now!

Why do 7mb apps need 30 some-odd Mb of updates?
What the hell were those updates even doing, if the apps are so much more stable without them?
 

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I deleted 50-60 Mb of updates from the facebook and G+ apps on my phone. Guess what? They run about ten times better!
The G+ app might even be considered "fast" now!

Why do 7mb apps need 30 some-odd Mb of updates?
What the hell were those updates even doing, if the apps are so much more stable without them?
hmm...do you mean you reset the apps to stock? if you haven't lost any features then they're useless, heh.
 

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Anyone got any recommendations for a new laptop? I'm looking in the general area of graphics, sound and gaming. I'm not going to go overboard and spend a gazillion on top line alienware.....somewhere sane.
 

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What is shame? It is the sense that you don't measure up to a standard. When someone feels shame, they want to hide whatever it is they are ashamed of from whoever they think is judging them. This can turn into a paralyzing force - often, someone who is ashamed is busy hiding or justifying their behavior, which prevents them from growing or changing. If the judge is internal, you are certainly going to have internal conflict. You might not repeat the behavior, but you might also be paralyzed or spend all your time in avoidance behavior, trying to hide from yourself. It is hard to live with a judge inside who is always attacking.

I tend to tear myself down a lot internally. I feel guilty pretty much all the time, but I have found that I am a kinder, happier, and more productive person when I give myself a break. It's easier said than done, but as I get older I have found more peace. Perhaps I'm finally learning to use my Fi and Se productively.
I appreciate the sentiment of your concern, but for the first time in a very long time I believe I am actually not hiding from myself. Instead, I am trying to face what is not myself and gaining control of myself, you see. There will be a time, later, for taking it easy, but not right now. Right now, I need mental discipline, and I must build up my inner strength. Once I have done this, I can relax and stop pushing myself; I must first descend into Hell, and then I can ascend into Heaven.
 

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Anyone got any recommendations for a new laptop? I'm looking in the general area of graphics, sound and gaming. I'm not going to go overboard and spend a gazillion on top line alienware.....somewhere sane.
Newegg.com has never disappointed me with other products I've gotten there. The customer reviews on that site have always been trustworthy in my experience. If you do a bit of research and comparison, you can probably find a really good deck for a fair price off that site.
 

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hmm...do you mean you reset the apps to stock? if you haven't lost any features then they're useless, heh.
I can't find anything about them that doesn't work the way they did before. They were both getting soooo slooooowwww. Every update for FB seemed to add a second to every page load.
I was running out of room on my main storage because all the stock apps had between 10 and 30 Mb of updates, the only option with them is to uninstall the the updates. So I reset a few more of my apps to stock, and it's been quite an improvement.

Both FB and G+ are exactly the same as before, only faster.
It's been irritating me since I got it how often apps want to update for no apparent reason. FB app is at least once a week.
On my iPad, when an app updates it is an exciting time because it almost always includes a new feature, or an actual improvement. On average every other update for an app on iPad includes at least one new feature. Apps on android will update two to four times a month and, apparently, just add useless code.
 

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Anyone got any recommendations for a new laptop? I'm looking in the general area of graphics, sound and gaming. I'm not going to go overboard and spend a gazillion on top line alienware.....somewhere sane.
For graphics and video, I would recommend a Mac. Obviously, that might not work so well for gaming - but you could dual-boot an Intel-chip Mac with both Windows and Mac OS X. (Also, neglecting the issue of cost to a certain extent.)

Perhaps the most important thing is to find a laptop with a GPU that runs in parallel. Unfortunately, I'm not familiar with what's available.
 

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I think I'm coming to terms with being a type 9. I'm not really a much of a 5 like I originally thought I was.
That's kinda scary, I was just wondering if you would end up being a 9 as well, after how much you identified with a lot of the comments that were flying around in here.
 

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It's like all the bits have to simmer on the back burner for a while, then suddenly it "smells" done, and when you look, there's a complete idea ready to go.
:p Reminds me of a phrase "half-baked ideas."

It is kinda crazy how it works like that. I can say to myself "I will know the answer to this, I know just what sort of an answer it will be" but not know the answer itself and just have to wait for it to mature.

It seems like my brain is ready and capable of handling more mature thoughts than I have at the moment, so sometimes I fault myself for "not knowing that before" but, really, sometimes experience is necessary to complete the thought.

I'm really liking Continuum for this reason. The "bad guys" are really in the right, but going about it in all the wrong ways, while the Protector is constantly faced with these choices of "do the right thing," or "do the right thing." It's all about subjectivity.

All you really can do is do the best with what you have, whether that subjective truth is right or wrong.
That's why I get so upset when people judge the world around them by a set of subjective views and then turn around and violate those rules themselves. There really isn't much worse for an individual existence than to violate your own perspective reality.
I knew your response to my vent would have some idea in it that would be particularly helpful. It was, and thank you.
 

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Anyone got any recommendations for a new laptop? I'm looking in the general area of graphics, sound and gaming. I'm not going to go overboard and spend a gazillion on top line alienware.....somewhere sane.

I purchased a toshiba laptop from newegg and it lasted me for 4 years. Use the comparison feature on that site to look at all the different specs you want in a line alongside other laptops you would think about getting. They also have some nice inside deals with promo codes if you sign up for their newsletter. Provide good service and easy website interface too. They have pricing options you can set for your search to help narrow it down too. Hope you find one you like.
 

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So last Wednesday, I just screwed up on my timing and missed out completely. I expected the prof to come in about 5 minutes late and take another 5 to setup like he did last time. The exam started almost on the dot and by the time I got to class, everyone was already seated. Not only that but I finished the exam maybe twenty minutes or half an hour earlier than most people. I couldn't just twiddle my thumbs the entire time so I handed my paper in. My punishment was to walk around in the rain wearing a cashmere sweater and sharing cigarettes with homeless people... with the hope that there might be a "chance" interception in my parade route. Nope.

Today was different though. I don't know what but I just started feeling like a boss since Thursday. I think I got my confidence back when I received an email from my soon to be employer stating that they will soon schedule my official start date. Anyway, I just walked in after break, saw her working on a cheat sheet, and went "ooh, cheat sheet". From there it was a brief but pleasant conversation that both seemed to be ethusiastic about, starting with some awkward confusion and ending with a wish for good luck on another upcoming mid-term. Still a bit awkward on the way home but again, baby steps.

I think I got this in the bag. I have four more classes with her, including the final, but I feel good. The pedistal effect has worn off and I might not be as interested as I used to be but I still like her. We could definitely be friends.
 

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Anyone got any recommendations for a new laptop? I'm looking in the general area of graphics, sound and gaming. I'm not going to go overboard and spend a gazillion on top line alienware.....somewhere sane.
I would recommend you a Macbook Pro, but if you don't want a Mac I think I'd recommend an Acer.

I deleted 50-60 Mb of updates from the facebook and G+ apps on my phone. Guess what? They run about ten times better!
The G+ app might even be considered "fast" now!

Why do 7mb apps need 30 some-odd Mb of updates?
What the hell were those updates even doing, if the apps are so much more stable without them?
For this reason, I'm thinking of wiping my entire iPhone back to blank and starting it fresh new.
 

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For this reason, I'm thinking of wiping my entire iPhone back to blank and starting it fresh new.
That's a good idea to do periodically anyway, I've done it twice with my iPad.
But iPhone apps are updated server side, you can't downgrade them. They can still leave myriad of phantom files that can only be cleared by restoring it.

FB was a stock app on my phone, so it can't be deleted, in place of the uninstall was a "remove updates" button.
Google+ app I deleted because instant upload hadn't uploaded the last hundred or so pictures I had taken. In the process I noticed it was around 30mb, after re downloading it it is only 7, and runs much much faster. No idea what was really going on, because android apps should be updated server side as well.

All the stock apps run better now that I have deleted the updates, I just wish I could do it with some of my other apps.
 

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All right, I've got an Abraxasian vent/observation.

But, I've noticed something. I don't really look into the future that much, like our MBTI archetype says. Sure, I plan things to happen in the future in a vague, broad sense, but I spend much more time thinking about the past, and which moments in it were most enjoyable. As possibly hedonistic as that sounds, it's about self-preservation, really - the times when I didn't have to work as hard (or at all) to maintain inner stability. I have this bizarre fascination with the 90s, and I used to think it was because the 90s were just that amazing - but no, it's actually because I was a little kid then, and didn't have to worry about what I wanted. I didn't want anything. I have a tendency to go back and listen to music from that time, almost in Si fashion, that I remembered from specific occasions and memories - but half the time, it's the idealization of the moment that makes the pleasurable moment, not the sensations around it themselves. The physical nostalgia is really just a lie.

But see, this is where the melancholy sinks in, and the time frame uncomfortably reverses. You get to thinking - what to it when life become irreversibly complex over time? Is the present moment our only thing to cling to? I suck at doing that alone, if everything is to come together into ideal form, I'd better get in kahoots with people who can help with that mental process.

Then, five minutes later, something flips again, and says "what the hell is wrong with you, that was nuts!" Then the cycle repeats. Criminy, a little stability would be nice.
 
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