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Aw, I hope you didn't delete what you wrote because of my lack of reply ;(. I wasn't initially sure what I thought on the matter (well, still am not lol) and just didn't respond quickly.
No worries, this wasn't the reason why I deleted my post. But I mainly deleted my post due to some other reasons, lol.
 

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I need an Eight to teach me to stop waiting for permission.
 
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Today I identified anger in the moment I experienced it, and I allowed myself to fully feel it and then express it.

It didn't end in satisfactory results, but that's not the point. I felt and expressed anger. For someone whose nervous system interprets anger as a threat to survival, that's the equivalent of running a marathon. The point is that while I may not have come in at first place, I finished the fucking race. That's a triumph regardless of the end result.

It made me feel powerful in a situation where I otherwise felt powerless. Is that how anger works? If so, that is a true gift.
 

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Today I identified anger in the moment I experienced it, and I allowed myself to fully feel it and then express it.

It didn't end in satisfactory results, but that's not the point. I felt and expressed anger. For someone whose nervous system interprets anger as a threat to survival, that's the equivalent of running a marathon. The point is that while I may not have come in at first place, I finished the fucking race. That's a triumph regardless of the end result.

It made me feel powerful in a situation where I otherwise felt powerless. Is that how anger works? If so, that is a true gift.
That is effen awesome!

For 9s, I believe our anger can be a very positive and powerful force.
 

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That is effen awesome!

For 9s, I believe our anger can be a very positive and powerful force.
Thank you! It really was; I don't have the vocabulary for what a huge deal it was for me (the speech center of the brain shuts down in moments of extreme emotions, so I suppose that's not surprising). I felt high afterward—literally.

It was a powerful and positive force on my own behalf. And it didn't matter too much that I didn't "win" the argument. What mattered most was that I stood up for myself. I recently heard on a podcast that Nines believe "In order to maintain connection, I must erase myself. I don't matter." I made myself heard even when I didn't have to, and doing that was a powerful way of reminding myself that I do matter.

I also experienced anger as a positive and powerful force when I stood up for someone else. It was really difficult to do, because it took translating the Enneagram to language understandable by a group of people not familiar with it. I had to convince a group I was a part of that what we'd done had stripped a Five of his capability and competence and made him feel like an outsider who was neither nurtured nor supported by the group (it was in a game, but as far as I'm concerned that doesn't matter; your core fear and childhood wound don't care about such trivialities). But I took the time to translate things in an understandable way, and even though the Six friend I told didn't seem convinced in the moment, she apparently later came around and then told our mutual Eight friend. Apparently he hung his head and said I was right. It's crazy to think I made an Eight back down, especially since I wasn't even there! :LOL: It was odd to watch myself move into an Eight wing protective mode on behalf of the Five, watch my One wing call out some unfair behavior we'd all engaged in, and, perhaps weirdest of all, move into the mediation space of a healthy Nine. That's not something I've done much of, and certainly not effectively (it's usually more in the form of "will you knuckleheads stop fighting about the same dang thing already" and is...inelegant, to say the least). I can understand now why people say healthy Nines are so powerful. When done right, that sort of peacekeeping can be very healing.

I'm growing. It's taken finding the right help to heal trauma I didn't even know I had*, but it's made all the difference in the world. Enneagram is a great tool, but until I addressed the trauma, it didn't have anything to stick to. Now all the work I've done over the years with Enneagram is gaining traction.

It's exciting, but on some level it's also terrifying. And as a Five recently told me, that's the thing you don't hear a lot about when it comes to personal growth. When you grow enough, nearly everything from that point onward is new territory, at least for a while. You know your old tools aren't working but your new tools still feel awkward, so you can feel ill-equipped to deal with the new things you're encountering, and that can feel really scary. It's overwhelming at times, sometimes even to the point it's exhausting. But it is SO worth it.

I tend to forget where I started. When I look back, sometimes it's shocking how far I was able to come when I had to claw myself there inch by bloody inch through trauma that was making it a thousand times more difficult than it should have been. But I did it, and I'm continuing to do it. And not only am I excited for where my life is going, for the first time I can remember I'm starting to feel like it is worth living.

*I've been reading The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk, and learning about trauma has brought so much understanding and compassion to others and to myself. When I catch myself in "bad" behavior, I can recognize it for what it is: my brain and body working together to keep me alive. When I realize a part of myself feels like it's in mortal peril, it's much easier to be gentle with myself, and that gets much better results than flogging myself for not doing what I'm just not capable of doing until I can talk my nervous system back from red alert. And it's much easier to be patient with others when you see that trauma is pulling their strings and making them dance the way they are. The longer I live, the more unshakable my belief that the most important skill we can develop is empathy. And it's hard not to feel empathy for someone when you realize their body and brain are just doing their misguided best to keep them alive.
 
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There’s no painless solution here, avoiding leads to numbing which leads to being a passenger in your own life.
My parents tell the story of taking a road trip in which they'd switch passenger and driver every so often. While my mom was driving, my dad napped in the passenger's seat. He woke suddenly from a dream in which he'd been driving, and was desperately grabbing in front of him for a steering wheel his brain thought should be there.

Which is a good metaphor for what it feels like when I wake up a bit and move to Six in stress.

Why am I not steering? What direction am I going? Is there anything in front of me?! Oh god, I need to start taking control of the direction I'm going in right now or I'll crash!
 

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There's a spell in D&D called True Sight. It allows you to see things as they truly are; in other words, you can see through any illusions to what's really underneath. I think growth for a Nine involves something similar: sifting through uncomfortable emotions and finding that it's all anger underneath—pure, unadulterated rage.

It's just turtles all the way down.

I'm at a point right now where the path forward for me isn't clear, and I find that my response to that is anger. Rage, actually, to be precise. Thing is, I know something needs to change. But life circumstances are making the options I have for making a change not exactly impossible, but very impractical. So, again, rage. But all that rage is sneaky! It was disguising itself. (Here's the thing I think I need to remember in the future: what feels like despair or powerlessness or "just feeling bad/crappy/rotten" may actually be repressed rage.) Unfortunately, knowing that I'm feeling anger doesn't tell me what to do with it. I feel stuck. And because I can't see a way to take action to dispel the anger, I'm watching myself repress it despite my best efforts not to. Because while repressing the anger makes it feel less threatening, the long-term results of repressing anger are NOT desirable, and in the short-term I am simply left with zero energy for anything else. To put it crudely, a Nine expending all their energy keeping anger at bay just can't get it up for life.

I need to learn what to do with anger when I'm blocked from taking the action that would dispel said anger. Help?
 
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There's a spell in D&D called True Sight. It allows you to see things as they truly are; in other words, you can see through any illusions to what's really underneath. I think growth for a Nine involves something similar: sifting through uncomfortable emotions and finding that it's all anger underneath—pure, unadulterated rage.

It's just turtles all the way down.

I'm at a point right now where the path forward for me isn't clear, and I find that my response to that is anger. Rage, actually, to be precise. Thing is, I know something needs to change. But life circumstances are making the options I have for making a change not exactly impossible, but very impractical. So, again, rage. But all that rage is sneaky! It was disguising itself. (Here's the thing I think I need to remember in the future: what feels like despair or powerlessness or "just feeling bad/crappy/rotten" may actually be repressed rage.) Unfortunately, knowing that I'm feeling anger doesn't tell me what to do with it. I feel stuck. And because I can't see a way to take action to dispel the anger, I'm watching myself repress it despite my best efforts not to. Because while repressing the anger makes it feel less threatening, the long-term results of repressing anger are NOT desirable, and in the short-term I am simply left with zero energy for anything else. To put it crudely, a Nine expending all their energy keeping anger at bay just can't get it up for life.

I need to learn what to do with anger when I'm blocked from taking the action that would dispel said anger. Help?
I'm afraid I don't have particularly direct advice, but I did go through Dialectical Behavior Therapy where they teach emotional regulation when an emotion isn't effective (even if it's justified). Distress tolerance (mental techniques or physical distractions), regulation (opposite thoughts + action: forcing happiness/calmness), building your life so that your life is more than anger.

Myself, I've struggled with insanely intense anger, and though I didn't really have a solution for it, it did help to watch a looot of angsty anime music videos lol!! That may be my 4ness need for expression, but whatevs. I also realized that anger awakens a more confident side of me, so I try to tap into that side of me. I heard a suggestion recently that instead of trying to get yourself to calm down when you're anxious, you could get yourself to be excited, since it's also a state of high arousal. I haven't tried it, but I wonder if it could be the same with anger--channeling arrogance (lord knows 9s need more of it :p) charm when feeling angry.
 

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Thanks, unknown life forces, for making me feel I have to erase myself and be nothing. I really appreciate it. I really love thinking I shouldn't be 🙃
 
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I love being a woman.

Except once a month.

And then my ovaries make me way more irritable than I usually am, and I can't seem to get that usual equilibrium.

Still gonna listen to chill vibe music like [below] and try tho.



 
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NVM--not related to this thread.
 

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Going through some shit, can feel myself cracking apart deep down as I try to hold it together. Trying to keep my head up and look forward to the future:


I'll get there.
I'm okay.
Everything will be okay.
This is all just temporary.

This isn't getting rid of the knots in my stomach...
 

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No time for inertia...in my life it's sink or swim...
 

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.
 

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People blow e9 pushoverness way out of proportion tbh. Like even going with the "9s suck at asserting themselves" theme...the core fear is loss. Are you afraid of losing every stranger you encounter? No. Stfu, typology memes.

Maybe you're a pushover because you're a pushover, not because you're a 9.

Resources also mostly cover 9w1, too. 9w8s typically don't identify with the doormat/pushover nonsense. That victimhood horse shit pisses me off tbh. It's just weak and pathetic.
 
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I'm growing tired of people. I need to withdraw from the majority and spend some time with a few refreshingly decent people before I lose my mind.
 
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