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Discussion Starter #1
Hey Visionaries.

I've consistently had a history of strained relationships with ESFJ's. By strained, I mean we've had a hard time understanding each other. Here are some examples. ESFJ's…
  • Read emotions that I'm not having
  • Try to make me "Happy," because they think I'm miserable even when I'm perfectly happy
  • Act really "feely" when all I want is a thinkerish pat on the shoulder and a "Here's looking at you, kid!" (I think you know what I mean)
  • Really stiff, contrived conversation
Like I said, these aren't "Oh my gosh I hate these people!"-relationships, but at times it is difficult communicating and understanding.

Has anyone else had similar trouble?
 

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Not relationship wise.

That does sound like the way l would perceive what they do, and it's very difficult because the type will not see it that way and that's true for a few other types as well.

This is an issue that brings up whether you're still attracted to types you communicate horribly with, because l'm not lol :p
 

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I just had this exact problem with OMG WTF BRO s post.
Might l assist you?

My experience is that you don't see ESFJ's talking about all the trouble they have with ENTP's, but ENTP and INTP will go after this type knowing there are communication blocks and then complain about it :p
 
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The only trouble I have is that sometimes what I say will be completely shut down with no consideration, but overall my experience has been that they are personable and likable people with generally good intentions.

My father is an ESFJ. I just had to learn his communication style and the most effective way to interact. We have our differences and we think very differently, but he is a very practical person and many times it is beneficial to receive his advice. Sometimes he gets over emotional and overreacts in a very childish way, but naturally you notice things about a person when you spent your life growing up with them. He's a great father, though, and I'm truly thankful for him. He's done and still does a lot for me.
 

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There's one ESFJ I have to be around a lot, and I really really really do not care for her, but I've learned to respect her some.

My main issue with her is one she will hopefully grow out of. She talks for about five sentences longer than she should have to.
Let's say she offers to get you something, and you politely decline. She would reply with something along the lines of "Ok, because I was going to go there anyway, but if you don't need it that's really fine, I just thought that if you needed it it would save you some time, but I mean it doesn't hurt me to not get it, sorry"
I'm not entirely sure how she's able to phrase the same apology in so many different ways.

Try to make me "Happy," because they think I'm miserable even when I'm perfectly happy
And then there's this.
There was a time last year after this thing called districts in which we were riding back on the bus. It's a tiring event, it was after dark, and I was exhausted and not in the mood to chat much anymore, so I was sitting in the back by myself just absorbing it all. She of course felt the need to try and get me to join the rest of the group, even though I obviously would have joined if I wanted to. I think it's just that she's so extroverted when someone is having an introverted moment she just can not understand it.

And probably the thing that bothered me the most was when she was working on costumes for our student run show. She insisted on sewing everything herself, expected a higher budget than we could come close to affording, and when someone brought in an apron that would work if it was just fixed up a bit she ignored it and made her own apron. That wasn't even hemmed.
The skirt I was expected to wear had pins hidden in it, paint spots (Because it was old black fabric they found), wasn't hemmed, and worst of all she never measured me and didn't have time to put in elastic apparently, so she just put a draw-string in it to keep it from falling off me. This is a show that I actually got a microphone for, and the weight of that made it even less flattering and impossible to move in. So we switched it to simple black shorts from home, and she was upset because "She worked hard to try and make them look good but I guess they weren't good enough"
She took on too much, and got mad at other people for trying to fix it.


That being said, she's very committed, and has a lot more class than most people. She seems genuinely nice, and in a few years when she matures she'll probably be a great person.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
I just had this exact problem with OMG WTF BRO s post.
LOL…I think he was talking about your grammar, OWB :)
@Deja Vu Yep, that's one of the biggest problems.

I guess the issue I'm talking about is where we don't connect on almost anything…Here are out stacks.

ENTP
Ne Ti Fe Si
ESFJ
Fe Si Ne Ti

Same functions, swapped almost completely. ENTP's put together their surroundings (Ne), make judgments about it and reason through it based on their experiences and knowledge (Ti), see how everyone feels about the surroundings and get a grip on the energy that surrounds them (Fe), then compares everything to their memories and past feelings (Si).

ESFJ's first scan the area for feelings and the energy of everyone around them (Fe), connect everything to their memories and past sentimentally (Si), put together the interactions and relationships of those involved (Ne), then lastly put everything through their reasoning cycle (Ti).

So basically, for ESFJ's, it's emotions first, then memories, then observation, then reason. For ENTP's, it's observation, then reason, then emotions, then memories. Completely flip-flopped. Many times I just don't know what to say.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
@sighcantthinkofaname Wow! Very spot-on for an ESFJ. I think that's the thing about them for me. They're genuinely nice people. Maybe too nice.

I know as an ENTP I've got a streak of evil in me. Even with my closest friends I'm a bit of a troll. (My ENTP best friend loves my trolling.) But when it comes to my ESFJ relationships, I feel I have to be extra-nice because if I say anything "off," I could majorly hurt their feelings.
 

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Most ESFJs are pretty cool, always looking to make brighter days.
But sometimes very manipulative, since they know how to create emotional appeal so well.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Very good observations.

I have noticed the manipulative bit. Their masterful area is their emotions.
 
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