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It's times like these that show how selfish we become when scared. We need unity not division.
 

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Stealth Warship
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I'm starting to become very p-ed off by this pandemic...
 
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♂️ INFJ 5w4 // IEI-Ni
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Isolation just feels like any normal day to me. If I wasn't exposed to a near constant stream of information I would assume everything is normal outside.


Is the way I live really that hellish?
 

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whenever my recent ex's face pops up on facebook, I get heavily annoyed and just want to punch him in the face. I can't wait for that feeling to subside into indifference. soon...soon...
 

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Stealth Warship
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I have just narrowly avoided a buggering, and I've come in here with the express intent of wishing one on you. Having said that I now intend to leave for London.
 

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whenever my recent ex's face pops up on facebook, I get heavily annoyed and just want to punch him in the face. I can't wait for that feeling to subside into indifference. soon...soon...
I've been thinking about indifference a lot lately. There's a song that has the line "the opposite of love is indifference". Can't remember the song, some popular one, but that line stuck with me. Just the feeling of nothingness. I am used to constantly feeling such strong internal emotions, so that nothingness is so surreal when I finally recognize I'm feeling it. It's such a huge shift that one day just happens. All those heavy internal emotions just go away. Be goooone. It's a relief. A bittersweet one.


I hope it comes quickly for you so you can have some peace.
 

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When ever I wish to engage anyone into an actual intellectually stimulating conversation, it friggin dies faster than toast left outside in the artic. :frustrating:

But, if it's some meaning trivial conversation which are always stuck perpetual loop due to piss poor short term memory of the other party. Here's an example of conversation, a friend and I were talking about media bias and I steer the conversation into patterns and trends which can either disprove or confirm a fact the conversation went from an active back and forth to complete silence for a few hours and then he went to sleep.

Here's another of example of meaningless conversation with a family member (cousin bro-in-law), do you have a job yet? you need to live your life and go out and do something. Etc etc. Despite me telling him and family members when I started the job, the pros / cons / training duration etc as in my current job my employer is actually paying for my training - I got the job by volunteering.

What's even more frustrating, we have the same conversation every other month unless and what's disappointing is that we used to talk quite alot - then became it just him venting and me listening, moving the conversation along. But when it was the other way round when I had crappy day at work, he'd completely zone out and that happened several times... at which point...I just gave up having any sort of meaningful conversation with him because most of conversations now just devolve into him acting like a 30+ year old toddler.

The only other time I had an somewhat intellectual conversation was with a cousin bro who has now training to become a psychiatrist :rolleyes: smh... he doesn't have the temperment to be one nor does he actually understand the implication of his own bias.

I was talking to him about after work I'm usually tierd not physically but emotionally drained due to the nature of my job - listening to people vent almost on every call because some dimwit thinks it's fiscally sound to hire agency workers for the office as opposed to recruiting more repair operatives - there are only two plumbers and one carpentar. So carpentary appointments have 2 month back log. He asked why I am emotionally tierd and I told him (to summarise) because I end up absorbing the emotions like a sponge and as an introvert I need abit longer to recharge on some days. He's remark was that I read something on the internet and have started to believe it.

When I say he doesn't have temperment to be psychiatrist, we almost got into an argument that the concept of ambiverts can exist - he was adamant it couldnot and it didn't take very long for him to start imposing his views upon the conversation - bias of being a know it all. So yeah...

Two somewhat intellectual conversations in almost half a year... the last time I had a proper intellectual stimulating conversation was over 3 years ago ergo this wall of text as right now I feel even more trapped in my mind due to the lock down as I'm working from home... well I was as I have contracted symptoms of Covid-19 from a family member. It's not as bad as a few days ago but due to this work have locked me out from working or even working on my training course as I need access to the systems to do most of the course / portfolio.

I had a thread where I'd just vent out my thoughts but I've locked out that chapter and have almost everything out. I'm not completely cold now but the amount of times I've been discarded like trash or treated or that side guy as such has left me pretty much ice cold so much so instead of responding to people somewhat quickly I actively choose to respond late, sometimes several months late because I'm sick and tired of people calling me when they need something. So when an aunt calls me when her sky box is not working, I call her back 6 months later lol. Before I'd call straight away and have it fixed in the evening.

Yet when I need always needed someone to do something like take action on a bill it's left floundering - case in point - recent examples I had to pay £163 for a direct debit because someone forgot to give a meter reading despite several requests to do so - until I had called up the company to confirm I am paying the bills and then have someone come out to take a meter reading. After a meter reading was taken the bill came out to be £23. The person in question responded after I had raised it with another family member but when that person needs help with something I'm always the first person to call. Or someone to call when they need money.

It's been like this all my life and I'm tired of it. I just want to be me not some friggin blank canvas that people project their presumptions upon and some magical helper elf who automagically fixes everything. I don't mind lending but just don't avoid me when I ask for it back or if you can't pay it just tell me and not make false promises. Like I'll pay you back the better term of phrase is I'll pay you back when I can.

Money is and never been an issue for me, because at the end of the day when people die they can't take their money with them lol.

The idealist in me says I need to keep loving and people understanding people just the way they are and in turn people will do the same; as the saying goes do unto others as they do unto you.

The realist in me says people will rarely do the same and the pessimist in me says I'll never be understood. The optimist in me is constantly beating the pessimist the side out of me into mashed potate until it becomes water vapour, floats away into the cloud as a sliver lining, comes down like a depression and gets beaten thus repeating the cycle. Serves it right for causing me insomnia all these years :tongue:.

End of vent.

Ah, crap... I've typed another essay T_T.
 

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MOTM October 2013
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:thinking2::sad::cheers2:

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Weird exercise in mental health, I guess. This dumb physics course is hard enough it drives me to tears each homework session.

But then I just keep shoving formulas at it until it clicks--and it always does eventually--including why I should be using those formulas to begin with.

So is that, like, a lesson in how to have less anxiety or frustration because it'll turn out okay in the end anyway? I put pressure on myself feeling like I don't have the time to derive it out the long way, but...when I do that, it does make sense. I'm just worried about being able to do a test on it when I basically have to reinvent calculus for each question (Not even kidding.), and tests are timed.

<sigh> Well, it's getting done...and I guess in the end, I am actually understanding it on a level maybe most physics students miss?

At the very least, I can take this course again and probably ace it.

I just hope the money holds out. ...but student loans if not.

One step at a time, one moment at a time...things will be okay. But also f*ck physics. :tongue:
 

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Okay, I don't need another wannabe psychologist getting nitpicky on me and debating the diagnosis that I got from actual, licensed, practicing psychiatrists. It's one thing to question a self-diagnosis or even self-typing. But something that's already on paper and official?

Saying that I can't possibly have autism because I have decent social skills is like saying that I can't possibly be Filipino because my English is so good. And no, that is not a compliment! It means I've been marinated in social situations so much that I can't be myself even if I try. Fuck fuckity fuck, I'm so fake! Thanks for invalidating me to death, that's really kind and solves all my problems; yeah that's sarcasm, I hate it but you want it so bad.

Really, what kind of double standard is this? You call me passive-aggresssive and even ADD but I can't even call you a small 'c' word. Well, guess what? You really are that. You should have backed down the moment I said "I'm offended. Please stop". Don't turn this against me by saying you were just trying to help, and I'm being negative. This has nothing to do with that. What you did was tear down what was working for me, without authority and without any good alternative, for your own enjoyment.

You hate INFJs, but you slam the door exactly like one. If you want to mindfuck with me, you should at least be able take that little insult. There's more where that came from. I absolutely hate being this way, but you left me with no other choice.
 

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Okay, I don't need another wannabe psychologist getting nitpicky on me and debating the diagnosis that I got from actual, licensed, practicing psychiatrists. It's one thing to question a self-diagnosis or even self-typing. But something that's already on paper and official?

Saying that I can't possibly have autism because I have decent social skills is like saying that I can't possibly be Filipino because my English is so good. And no, that is not a compliment! It means I've been marinated in social situations so much that I can't be myself even if I try. Fuck fuckity fuck, I'm so fake! Thanks for invalidating me to death, that's really kind and solves all my problems; yeah that's sarcasm, I hate it but you want it so bad.

Really, what kind of double standard is this? You call me passive-aggresssive and even ADD but I can't even call you a small 'c' word. Well, guess what? You really are that. You should have backed down the moment I said "I'm offended. Please stop". Don't turn this against me by saying you were just trying to help, and I'm being negative. This has nothing to do with that. What you did was tear down what was working for me, without authority and without any good alternative, for your own enjoyment.

You hate INFJs, but you slam the door exactly like one. If you want to mindfuck with me, you should at least be able take that little insult. There's more where that came from. I absolutely hate being this way, but you left me with no other choice.
I know. I know. Psychotherapists are not as personally evolved as they need to be. I remember I went to one long back and as I was only beginning to open up she shut me up and said I have a lot of anxiety and she would give me pills for it. I wanted to hit her. I did not just open up to be slammed a superficial label on my identity. Respect someone opening up to you if you respect your profession at all. Such quacks. Mental health profession and professionals are really scary.

I recommend you watch Girl Interrupted.
 

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What's the point of making connections on here, when I can't travel to see my friends in real life? And even if the impossible happened and we met for real, I can't entertain them, I can't even talk. It's all just a stupid fantasy.

Closeness? I can't even keep a single friend.

I give up. I don't need all this additional pressure. Life is hard enough.
 

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Everytime I do tarots, I end up with the devil or the tower.. Not really happy about that, now I'm just worrying what is gonna happen, what is gonna come? :/
 

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I don't really know what to make of people sometimes.

A while ago I had a mini argument with someone who kept making jokes about punching men in the nuts just for being men (there was some other context, but that was pretty much the reason). And I eventually said I thought it was in poor taste and a bit sexist. In return she said she'd make a feminist out of me yet. To which I told her, no thanks, I didn't really like feminism, because of stuff like that, and how their theories don't match up with either how I've experienced life as a woman, nor in working in the family courts and seeing real cases of abuse, rape, and so on.

To which she basically told me I should just avoid her from now on because feminism is her life and I am an uneducated shill who knew nothing (despite my experiences in the field). Another of my friends jumped on her for that one, to which she said it's cool, I wanted to avoid her too so no one needed to interfere...and then went silent when I set the record straight: no, I did not want anybody avoiding anybody, and could we just work things out and move forward? Radio silence.

And then she has been avoiding me ever since. I greeted her a few days ago and asked how things were going, asking if we could wipe the slate clean and start over, but pretty much got given the passive-aggressive brush-off, "nothing is wrong, it's fine".

And I just feel...baffled and a good deal insulted. Before this whole argument, we probably could've become close friends. I just want to scream: if you have a problem with me, just effing say it. Stop hiding like you are, if you really mean it. And if your problem is really because I don't follow your politics, well...okay? Screw you too? I can't just put a blender in my brain and reorder what I have seen/not seen to make my reality match up to your worldview.

I guess she's gotten a lot of flak about her views on feminism before me, both from her family and another friend or two she's ticked off with it, but...well...maybe that should tell her something??

Meanwhile I'm still feeling a bit ill about it...and more ill in general about politics. People say they've lost friends based solely on the fact they voted Republican in the last election, and I just...since when did so much ridiculous PC, poorly informed fluff start becoming our judgement of a person's morality. You don't have to be a minority to experience prejudice, suffering, and abuse, and you don't have to believe in big government, social programs, etc, to want to put a stop to those things. In my mind, it's becoming an increasingly artificial way of dividing people, and one of the last socially acceptable ways of being...well...a bigot, who doesn't go out past their own door and see people for who they really are.

Maybe we should talk more about college-educated "privilege"? Blehhh...<sigh>
 

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So I guess it is not really about you. Its about me. Me feeling insecure. Me being scared of rejection, being scared of not being good enough, living up to the expectations, and if it was anyone else, I might had felt like: so what? But it is not just anybody. Or at least for me it isn't.. Why is it so hard to let people in and put your guards down?

But it is always easier to project it over on someone else. It was easier to put this on you. Because then it wound't be me making all of this up in my head. And the saddest thing is, it is me making these expectations up, I don't even know if they are true.. Well, I think they are. I should stop it while I still have the chance and while I'm still a bit sane.
 
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