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There is something outstandingly wrong with my existence. And I take full responsibility for this and yet, and yet, there is maybe a flaw in my ... my mind or my "soul" or my physical body, I try to understand but I simply can't.

I am 42 years old. I live alone. I am neither ugly nor overly intelligent or "less intelligent". At the moment, I am quite overweight. I am not unsocial. I lost much weight several times during the last 16 years, but always gained it back. But those are only numbers. I am in more or less good health. I don't have financial problems. I work. I write daily. I published several unsuccessful books during the last 8 years.

But this is not really important at the moment.

My younger brother called me after 10+ months and told me, not only he is not in divorce (as my mother had told me), but he has now a 4th child - this time with his 15 year younger girlfriend ... he called me while his wife sat next to him. I do not care about his weird relationships. He was always a person who lived love and suffering at its fullest. He always wanted everything and (outside of his horrendous creditscore and debts) often won. Well, now he has ... another daughter.

and I, the oldest of my parents children, feel the void, where my heart should be. There is no darkness, no rage, no hate, no jeaolusy, no pain, just bleakness, just ... disappointment in live. My last "date" was in 2005, august 2005. 21st of august 2005. Maybe I create the impression, I am a robot or an entity outside of flesh and bones and needs, I do not know. I probably don't have any ounce of "mojo" in my existence.

Well, its okay. And its not okay. I will not force myself into a fake crush/love. I am old. And soon, I am older.
 

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The need is first. Then a space must be created. If the need is painful enough - the space fills up.

***

I have been disconnected.
Somewhere between happy and devastated.
So much on both sides of a scale.
Drunk in love and complete.
No future ahead.

...

Move.
Release me.
 

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A Wolf Alone

I have spent my life channeling my emotions through fighting. When I say this, I don’t mean to say that I am violent and pick fights, but rather than I was taught to fight through years of martial arts and additional training. As a young child I used to pick fights on the playground and there were rare occasions where I physically threatened other children. I can’t say why I did this, after all I have very few memories from when I was a child. What I do remember was short friendships that only lasted a couple of years, which is somewhat symptomatic of a lasting difficulty for me to relate to anyone my own age.
It came about recently that my mother mentioned how some of my childhood teachers told my parents how I was “gifted” and “sensitive”. However, while I am only now at 28 years old coming to terms with these statements and labels, as a child all I knew was that I was different and never quite fit in. This is probably why I formed friendships with the other “outcasts” like myself. A heavyset Mexican kid who had hearing aids and a ventilator. Another kid who later I found out was autistic. A British kid who was made fun of for his accent before he found popularity. When I did form friendships with those who weren’t seen as outcasts, it never lasted long and generally ended in rumors being spread about me due to my wanting to trust and saying the wrong things that resulted in rude nicknames that would follow me for years to come.
Probably due to this I found myself in Karate, where I excelled and achieved a black belt along with a rigid level of self-control. Some of my fondest memories of those times were when a fellow student pulled me aside and told me how I “scared the hell out of” him, or when I was able to keep pushing myself as hard as I could despite exhaustion and physical pain and injury. The number of bruises and injuries I accrued during this time I saw as badges of honor and were praised by my instructors. I realize now, as I am writing this how much this has come to scar my mentality.
Recently I was diagnosed with PTSD. I spent years working in law enforcement in the States, and eventually working in hospital security. The things I saw and the people I watched die have weighed heavily on me, and the images from those times are etched into my mind. But my PTSD isn’t delegated to one specific incident. Rather, it is due to the continued mindset I developed during that time and the reasons why I went into law enforcement in the first place.
Sure, I had the same reasons as everyone else. The “I want to help my community” and the “I want to protect those who can’t protect themselves” statements were there. However, the actual reality of why I went in was much more painful. I went in because I was tired of being me. I was tired of feeling so much all the time and I wanted to put myself in a line of work that demanded I set my emotions aside. And I did, I did this for seven years. Or at least I tried to, the emotions slipped often, generally coinciding with my considerable alcohol intake. Looking back, I also realize that this career path was a way to give my life meaning, or rather I hoped it would give my death meaning. I would often say how I knew the job would kill me, either physically kill me or just kill the person who I was.
Today I am looking back at my life, seeing that small child who felt so much pain every day and couldn’t connect with those his own age. I realize that I was burying that child and trying to deny my sensitivity that I had grown to hate within myself. Something that I cherish so much in those who are nearest and dearest to me was something I had grown to hate. I hated it because I grew apart from my family and was bitter and frustrated because nobody else could understand what I saw or knew how much their comments stayed with me. I continually blamed myself because the only thing I really gained congratulations for was my ability to take a beating in karate or in tactics for law enforcement and keep going.
I came to see myself as a wolf. Something that was perceived as vicious and would bare its teeth to scare others away but would protect its pack until it’s dying breath. And I was desperately trying to find my pack. My relationship with my family struggled as I delved further into law enforcement and pushed my values aside to fit in amongst this newfound pack. I found many of those I held close to be irritating and incredibly flawed individuals, and I welcomed it because I felt it is what I deserved considering how much I hated myself. Plus, if they were so flawed, how could they judge me?
This pack didn’t last. In the end I began to find my values and disagreed with a close friend of mine in such a way that I cut contact with him. When I cut contact with him the rest of them followed, and I was left alone. Once again, I was an outcast, and this came at a time when I had witnessed events that broke me deep inside. Eventually I recognized how much damage I was causing myself. I was good at my job and I excelled at it, at the expense of my own health. This is what I had been taught for years and years. To push myself until I literally couldn’t go any longer. A wolf alone is an unnatural thing, and I am still desperate to find my pack. I am still trying to find where I belong. Ultimately, I am trying to accept myself for the sensitive child that I tried so hard to bury. I am trying to forgive myself for how much I failed that child.
 

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I'm making weird decisions.. One minute it is yes the next it is no. Can it be hormones? I can't quit figure myself out.. Oh what a hell to be in to make decisions... Maybe I should get some sleep..
 

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There is something outstandingly wrong with my existence. And I take full responsibility for this and yet, and yet, there is maybe a flaw in my ... my mind or my "soul" or my physical body, I try to understand but I simply can't.

I am 42 years old. I live alone. I am neither ugly nor overly intelligent or "less intelligent". At the moment, I am quite overweight. I am not unsocial. I lost much weight several times during the last 16 years, but always gained it back. But those are only numbers. I am in more or less good health. I don't have financial problems. I work. I write daily. I published several unsuccessful books during the last 8 years.

But this is not really important at the moment.

My younger brother called me after 10+ months and told me, not only he is not in divorce (as my mother had told me), but he has now a 4th child - this time with his 15 year younger girlfriend ... he called me while his wife sat next to him. I do not care about his weird relationships. He was always a person who lived love and suffering at its fullest. He always wanted everything and (outside of his horrendous creditscore and debts) often won. Well, now he has ... another daughter.

and I, the oldest of my parents children, feel the void, where my heart should be. There is no darkness, no rage, no hate, no jeaolusy, no pain, just bleakness, just ... disappointment in live. My last "date" was in 2005, august 2005. 21st of august 2005. Maybe I create the impression, I am a robot or an entity outside of flesh and bones and needs, I do not know. I probably don't have any ounce of "mojo" in my existence.

Well, its okay. And its not okay. I will not force myself into a fake crush/love. I am old. And soon, I am older.
I don't know if this would make you feel better or worse, but I think I would love to date you, man. From all of the posts I've seen from you here, you seem quite the gentleman.

The only thing that might be a problem is that you're not sexual enough. Well, are you? You didn't talk about sexuality.
I can't feel your energy, if that makes any sense... maybe I'm just rambling, but maybe others also fail to find it. The energy, the passion. You have that, but where does it flow?

What are you passionate about?

What does your ideal relationship look like?

What does your ideal life look like? etc...
 

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I just realized that it never pays to be kind. If you try to help others, they will bite you instead of saying thanks.
I'll be super selfish from now onward. Won't help anybody unless they asked for help, and even if they asked for help, I might not help them.

Once burned, twice shy.
 

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I just realized that it never pays to be kind. If you try to help others, they will bite you instead of saying thanks.
I'll be super selfish from now onward. Won't help anybody unless they asked for help, and even if they asked for help, I might not help them.

Once burned, twice shy.
And a virtual hug
 

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I just realized that it never pays to be kind. If you try to help others, they will bite you instead of saying thanks.
I'll be super selfish from now onward. Won't help anybody unless they asked for help, and even if they asked for help, I might not help them.

Once burned, twice shy.
Ayeee... I know the feels... but just be careful in this path... I dunno.. I just get the deep seated feeling that it destroys us and makes us into something worse... just food for thought.... I know you're venting.
 

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Is anyone else still reeling from the new UI on PerC?

I mean it's great, but I literally gasped and thought I'd accidentally typed in the wrong website.
 

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Today is simply not my day and I feel as my tears just keeps pouring down my face. Why seems to always be the word I come back to. Fuck the word and my bad karma and everything that just doens't go my way. Can I get a chi cleanse or something. Sigh.
 

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Ugh, there are Covid-19 patients running free all over the shopping malls in my country. This is what happens when one's country is being ruled by an incompetent government..
Even visiting the grocery stores is dangerous now, because there are confirmed Covid-19 patients running free inside those grocery stores!

During that time they have taken their swab test and their results is pending, they should be erred on the side of caution and be quarantined at home. But nope! They aren't quarantined at all, but they are still allowed to be out and about, and they only get quarantined 2 hours before they received their results.
There are already two shopping malls nearby my area that have confirmed Covid-19 patients now, and I usually visit those shopping malls to get my groceries done.

Thank goodness I went on a different day and timing as them so I didn't managed to run into those Covid-19 patients! But if I managed to be unlucky enough, and I went on the wrong day and wrong timing, I would have bumped into those confirmed Covid-19 patients. :cautious:
 

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MOTM October 2013
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Political stuff. Grrrgrumph.

I think one of the main problems with trying to push identity politics into fiction is...we're used to hearing about these identities from a state of how they've been victimized. That doesn't make for an inspiring story. It's a pity party at best. Or Mary Sue as they overcompensate for that at worst.

Now if these various minorities could come out with fiction works that teach something about their cultures, or that, most especially, focus on the conflicts and problems that drive a good plot forward, that may or may not have to do with their minority-ness...that I could get behind for sure.

We already have plenty of insufferable fiction about environmental activism and Gaia getting angry or whatever with humans--and that, unlike most of these recent movements, were written by authors wanting to talk about something, not for appeal to a broad audience. And that didn't go so well either--once you have to preach to the audience, you've lost all but your choir, most especially maybe those who were teetering and about to come over. So why do people think it'll go well now with identity politics? I know maybe a lot of this stuff should be common sense, but it isn't, and treating people like they're dumb or biased or poorly intentioned straight out the gate is just going to get everyone turning their backs on you...not helpful change.

This in due one of my favorite game franchises taking half of their monsters (which were mostly portrayed as male in the older games) and making them female. But not a nice, pleasing, well-mixed showing of female, with just as much diversity and lore-grounding that the male monsters had going for them. Instead, they were all booby sexy females that all look the same, down to the hairstyles and clothing/armor styles. That to me is an outrage, not a celebration of equality and diversity.

Another game recently changed all their elves so that they can have all shades of human skin without any reason why this should be so. The biologist in me wants to know what in the world happened, as skin color in humans is solely based on evolution of populations close to the equator vs. the poles, and tends to boil down to an even tan when mixed across families; aka not based on a bunch of gene combinations and random mutations like horse or dog colorings. So where do these elves come from and why are they suddenly dark? The culture scholar in me also wants to know what happened, as elves are creatures out of northern European legends, and frequently paler white than is even natural for humans--it's part of their shtick, even before Tolkien made some differentiations with his subtypes.

And I know, elves have become so common in our fantasy fiction that there's an elf for everything, but still...were there not other creatures from dark-skinned cultures we could have brought in instead for some much-needed love and recognition? Or at least preface a new dark-skinned (but not drow) brand of elves with their own awesome lore, when this game has already been so particular that each subrace of elf is a subrace for various story reasons? Some of these sub-races having no more different about them than blue vs. green eyes...! Either of those seem like they would be more respectful and inclusive, rather than just pasting dark skins on people who still have very white facial features, voices, styles of dress and culture, which is basically...blackface, isn't it? But what do I know?

TL;DR? Dumbing down of story, art and world-building, just to make a quota of minority representation, is a horrible policy and a mockery of these movements. And it's often finanically driven. Cut it out, Hollywood. Cut it out, game studios. Just cut it out. At the very least, start hiring people of minority groups to write these stories for you! That would be more empowering than any amount of pixels flung across our screens to make you a quick buck for appealing to the "masses": AKA, politically correct culture...

HaRUMPH.
 

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Lmao... perc needs reactions other than likes cause 😂 ... yeah... just keep on doin that. Hilarious.
 

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Do any of you feel like nobody likes you or wants to be around you?

I’m the only INFJ in my group of friends and acquaintances - as far as I can tell - and I have always had trouble connecting with other people. Every time I try to get to know others more, it becomes obvious that the person I talk to doesn’t want to talk to me. Even my ‘friends’ when they’ve asked me a question and I reply, interrupt me or turn and start talking to someone else while I’m mid-sentence.

I have even had people ignore me when I said hello or goodbye. Or I would make a joke in a situation and everyone ignores it but then 2 seconds later, one of them makes the exact same joke (word for word) and the entire group is laughing and telling that other person how awesome they are for thinking of something this funny...

It happens everywhere with pretty much all groups in my social circle, even at work.
I’m tired of that game and think I should just give up on interacting with people all together. It’s frustrating.

I don’t think I’m a bad human being. I’m just quiet, private, and shy sometimes so it can take a while for others to get to know me. But still, I would never want to treat other people like they treat me...
 

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Male INFJ 5w4 (Sx/Sp)
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Do any of you feel like nobody likes you or wants to be around you?

I’m the only INFJ in my group of friends and acquaintances - as far as I can tell - and I have always had trouble connecting with other people. Every time I try to get to know others more, it becomes obvious that the person I talk to doesn’t want to talk to me. Even my ‘friends’ when they’ve asked me a question and I reply, interrupt me or turn and start talking to someone else while I’m mid-sentence.

I have even had people ignore me when I said hello or goodbye. Or I would make a joke in a situation and everyone ignores it but then 2 seconds later, one of them makes the exact same joke (word for word) and the entire group is laughing and telling that other person how awesome they are for thinking of something this funny...

It happens everywhere with pretty much all groups in my social circle, even at work.
I’m tired of that game and think I should just give up on interacting with people all together. It’s frustrating.

I don’t think I’m a bad human being. I’m just quiet, private, and shy sometimes so it can take a while for others to get to know me. But still, I would never want to treat other people like they treat me...
I can certainly relate with you there.

I recently stopped talking to my old friends from High School, because it seemed they liked to ignore me as well. I moved out for the first time two years ago, and not a single friend has ever shown up to my apartment no matter how many times I've invited them. But they seemed to have no problem jumping across town to visit others, and I would often join them (despite my resentment). After many times being dissapointed and trying to fix the problem on my end, I realized that while it is within their right to not acknowledge my presence, it is also my right to leave.

But you have to realize that there are two parties involved, them and you. If you find this consistently happening to you, make sure you go over what the potential causes are, and work to fix them.

Also, take it from me, do not give up on social interaction. When you stop interacting with people, it drags you down a deep and dark rabbit hole that is very hard to escape from. Instead, focus on creating a fresh start, and try and work from there.
Or, if you prefer. Talk to the people in your social group, and ask if anything is wrong. In my experience, it didn't amount to much, but I would argue it is at least worth the shot. It gives them a chance to defend themselves at least.

And hey, if nothing else, being a lone wolf is not so bad either. Learn to love your own company, develop some hobbies, and gain confidence. If you do those things, you'll find people will naturally flock to you. Try to develop a presence.
 

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The need is first. Then a space must be created. If the need is painful enough - the space fills up.

***

I have been disconnected.
Somewhere between happy and devastated.
So much on both sides of a scale.
Drunk in love and complete.
No future ahead.

...

Move.
Release me.
yeah, I hear that
 

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92 Posts
I can certainly relate with you there.

I recently stopped talking to my old friends from High School, because it seemed they liked to ignore me as well. I moved out for the first time two years ago, and not a single friend has ever shown up to my apartment no matter how many times I've invited them. But they seemed to have no problem jumping across town to visit others, and I would often join them (despite my resentment). After many times being dissapointed and trying to fix the problem on my end, I realized that while it is within their right to not acknowledge my presence, it is also my right to leave.

But you have to realize that there are two parties involved, them and you. If you find this consistently happening to you, make sure you go over what the potential causes are, and work to fix them.

Also, take it from me, do not give up on social interaction. When you stop interacting with people, it drags you down a deep and dark rabbit hole that is very hard to escape from. Instead, focus on creating a fresh start, and try and work from there.
Or, if you prefer. Talk to the people in your social group, and ask if anything is wrong. In my experience, it didn't amount to much, but I would argue it is at least worth the shot. It gives them a chance to defend themselves at least.

And hey, if nothing else, being a lone wolf is not so bad either. Learn to love your own company, develop some hobbies, and gain confidence. If you do those things, you'll find people will naturally flock to you. Try to develop a presence.

That is just awful, what is wrong with people! Im so sorry you guys have to deal with such blatant disrespect...makes me sick. There are nicer people out there, just separate yourself from those terrible toxic people and surround yourself with decent people...they do exist, I promise.
 
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