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INTJ 5w4 (Sp/Sx) 594
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I was doing a couple of more tests because I was bored.
I forgot how much I disliked it when tests asked whether I preferred to emphasize rationality and logic, or the emotions of other people.

My whole worldview is based on rationality and logic. If something doesn't make sense to me, it drives me up the wall, and I can't rest until I solve it.
I even have the tendency to write notes frequently, as it just helps me categorize my conclusions.
Also, if your conclusion doesn't make any sense, I have no problem debating the issue (depends on who you are though).

But with that being said, I am also very good at reading people and I will have a tendency to state my conclusions differently based on who I am speaking to.
When people have a change in attitude, it hits me subconciously like a kick to the gut. But that doesn't automatically mean I'll do anything about it.
I'll only engage when either someone else is in trouble, or if a person's emotions are getting in the way of the efficiency of whatever we are doing.
I'm not some spiritual guru, and I don't feel the need to jump into other people's problems if there is no need to.

Instead, I wish tests would ask better questions that seperated types. For example, an INFJ and INTJ seem very similar from an outside persepective and it can be sometimes hard to distinguish the two from one another.
I even thought I was an INTJ for the longest time, because their stereotypical behaviour matched mine frequently. I value logic, I tend to be cold and aloof (I don't share my feelings easily), and I don't get involved in people's problems unless I need to.
But there are a few underlying differences beneath the surface that can help identify one from the other.

Do you derive ethics from an external source (Fe), or do you derive your morals from experiences (Fi)?
Do you derive your conclusions from an internal logic (Ti), or do you derive conclusions based on external information (Te)?

INFJs and INTJs both value logic and reasoning, but the difference comes in where we get our logic from, and how we get our morals and ethics. For an INFJ, our logic is more internally driven, and our ethics are based not in our own experience, but rather, a set of external principles.
For an INTJ, it is the opposite. Their logic is based on external information, and their morals are based on their own subjective experiences.

While I valued logic and reasoning, I found that I often "screened" conclusions through my own mental processes, to see if the logic made sense to me or not.
I also don't tend to trust morality that is based on subjective experiences. It doesn't tend to be logically cohesive, and it can lead to people justifying anything based on how they feel at the present moment. So I tend to identify with principles that don't change with the enviornment, and I believe it makes me a more consistent individual.

Again, big differences. But I find that most tests just focus on the easy answers, and don't delve into anything more than surface-deep conclusions.

I guess that's why test are generally unreliable, and why I found identifying as an INFJ to be difficult at first.
 

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I wanna run away from my life. Just leave it all and run like hell. So tired of it all. I want a new job, a new city, a new apartment, a new life.. A new personality type? I wanna fit in and feel okay being who I am.. Life is hard :(
 

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Sometimes I feel so tired of being a living contradiction in every single thing. It's like I can never choose the other side, everything is 50/50.

''Oh, feeling logical. l o g i c.''
''Mmm emotions. Feelings. let's just f e e l together.''

...and when I'm being the other one, I start to question whether I'm too emotional or logical in a situation. It's a constant fight trying to balance yourself on some ball.
I'm too tired to even start to make out a list of the contradictions I feel because they're everywhere. Some days are just a constant inner battle in every single thing and just... ugh. Tho, I love having the ability to see the both sides of the story, it just gets so tiring sometimes and I just want to chill.
 

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MOTM October 2013
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Political stuff...

Two feminist articles randomly popped up in my newsfeed today. One talking about women doing kung fu in the Himalayas and facing light prejudice for it, and one written by a man trying to comment on the nature of masculinity, but it was so confused and contradictory it only amounted to a vague plug for feminism. And I'm just...STFU. STFU and go away with all this feminist bullcrap. I'm so sick of being told I should feel like a victim being taken advantage of by my dangerous rape-happy male peers and the only way to respond to it is go out, protest, or try to act like a man myself. Don't you think that message causes way more division, misunderstanding, and stereotyping than it fixes?

When we're talking Himalayas, I'm a little more concerned about China trying to massacre Buddhists and Muslims in those areas rather than what some rich women do voluntarily with their money (or their family's money). When we're talking about masculinity, I'm more concerned--the article kind of got at this, but not really--how its okay to stereotype men as lazy stupid violent do-nothings but heaven forbid you cast a female that way--like that ain't prejudice, too.

But moreover, get the heck out of my newsfeed and stop pretending to be news instead of hyper-politicized rally-the-bases political commentary. Yeah, you don't think I didn't notice the name-drops of the president or that the election is this year? FFS, go away. I'm not going to cast votes based on female pandering--like that ain't sexist? Targeting me for my gender? Instead I'm left feeling only more concerned and disgusted that that apparently works on some women...and men, too >.< ...instead of talking about policies that matter, like the economy or the environment.

"Fake news" isn't news that is actually infactual. It's news that only shows one side of the story, fails to mention context, or overly inflates the importance of some events when trying to understand the bigger picture. When I have to go onto Youtube and trawl around in its dark parts to see what the average African American really feels about Black Lives Matter, and what all the statistics really say, not just the one or two cherry-picked ones about cops-on-black violence, you know there's a problem with our mainstream media. >.< It's not just liberal bias, either. Fox News skips over this stuff to to focus on pandering to the religious and the conspiracy theorists. It's all just shock value now, what sells; all the intellectuals with moderate solutions left the room for calmer, less agenda-y waters long ago...
 

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The lack of responsibility coming from students do not faze me...but coming from an adult? A friend? Nope. I'm not going to have it. To blame me for their poor choice got me triggered. Do not use me as your scapegoat because I care. You refuse to be responsible for your own action so you deserve to be bitch slap in the face with hard truth about your immature behavior.
Also...
I was reading a response from a survey about our program and a parent left a comment saying the person in charge of their child's academic have not been helpful. It's most likely me because I am a "she" and the new advisor is also a she but had not worked there until recently. It got me thinking, maybe your child is avoiding their responsibility? It makes me think about my effort. I am willing to own up mistakes but to blame everything on me when it takes TWO to tangle this situation.

edit (just needed to vent but felt better now)
 

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I'm getting really tired of this pandemic. I want life to return back to normal. When can this pandemic be over?
 

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INFX 4w3
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I'm feeling a mixture of feelings that a little frightening, I think that somehow my brain and body's natural ability to maintain emotional wellness and equilibrium been almost ruined.
Let's see, in the last couple of years my entire life was almost ruined , Jesus. I was poisoned, there's actually some fucking chemical out there floating around among certain circles that can do this, but basically someone spiked my coffee and food more then most and it just somehow ruined my short term memory, like what the fuck? there's legitimately something out there that can do that.
I have to leave the country I live in because it's so bad, I've had this happen a few times, they're putting this chemical in so many foods almost everywhere (it might not just be this specific one I had a few experiences with) but there's definitely weird noticeable chemicals in the foods. There's a bunch of other things, someone purposely put something like carbon monoxide in my apartment and it fucked me up and caused health problems and then the food was tainted with something in the grocery store (and I'm sure again like everywhere) which further ruined my health and everything else.

Canada is a complete shithole and now (I was about to leave the country, just seriously flee over the border but I held off because it's so risky and I wish I did now) and now I'm in "legal" trouble, what the fuck? I'm being possibly charged (it hasn't gone to court yet) for being attacked and assaulted by more then four different people. I think one of them was an under cover cop and you know, it's just never fucking ending. Anyway, I managed to "defend" myself effectively enough.
I think they put some weird gas that in the police station too while I was there.
I fear I'll even get a fair trial, and then not only that I can't really go to jail because they'll fucking keep poisoning me. I'm trying to collect as much evidence to apply for asylum in another country.

But it just really sucks life was getting better for me, and I was starting to see that I was actually blessed in a lot of ways, like intelligent wise and among other things, and I could have had a good life for myself but it's almost all been ruined randomly by this shitty country ,which I'm sure is fucking communist.

Of course, no one will believe me because it's "CanAdA"
 

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INFX 4w3
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128 Posts
I've been getting singled out and discriminated or something all the time as well, it's just never ending I've tried changing my dress style, how I how myself I just want it to stop, but I swear to god it's like some profound level of racism or something, it's just really profound. I was jumped earlier as well by some asstard in a bush, he gave me a big black eye and tried to throw me into oncoming traffic.

I told the police and they did jack shit. Of course, the police ignore this happening to me more then once, and then quickly (the police are being seriously really en-forceful lately) and also not to mention cops, there's "security" (they just call it that) again, what the fuck? there's "security" all over everywhere isn't that what the police are for? they wear these weird uniforms and just patrol/walk around everywhere. There has never been any explanation for the heightened security and you'd think in general, there would be. As soon as America became nationalist that's when the country became really, really strange to be honest., and I started receiving all this wanton hostility that didn't make any sense.

Anyway I keep listening to this song and video over and over, I'm not sure it's similar to what i'm going through I guess, I just want to live my life what's so wrong with that? fuck. There's always been so many things I've wanted to do with my life and this country has just gone out of it's way to ruin my life and oppress the shit out of me for simply being motivated or ambitious what the fuck? fucking poisoners who does that? it's like a 3rd world country now.
(there's like no free speech either can't have a direct cconversation or debate about anything, it's like a fucking tyranny)
 

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INFX 4w3
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Giant frigid fucking shithole!

My parents memory at this point are the only things that really provide me comfort and keep me going as it seems like everyone has relatively turned on me, everyone and as all this is happening, I keep thinking "Yep, this is the same thing that happened in Nazi Germany/The Soviet Union" the sudden and drastic type of behavior changes I've witnessed and experiences. And while for some reason my parents memory keeps makes me happy, I think I really miss them profundly a lot without realizing it, (but their memories make me happy more then anything else) but oh well I guess.
I really wish it was real, I wish that Canada was such a wonderful and perfect great place like it seems to be for everyone else, but unfortunately in my mind it's just another socialist utopian fantasy world that doesn't really exist.

It's just really frustrating living here, every day seems to go on forever, it's so miserable for me.
 

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I wish I had any female friends. Because of my bf and my other male friend I am literally only really talking to guys, and you can argue gender doesn't matter but it does. Not to mention I have 5 brothers. I feel off balance regarding my social life >.< Like it is lacking femininity and I think i am sub consciously trying to fill that void with my own hobbies.

I realised the reason guys have spoken to me in the first place is because of some romantic interest to begin with. And that makes me sad that that's the only reason I have any social life. It makes me wonder would be not want to talk to me without that? So far I have never had fully platonic interest.

Don't get me wrong I don't mind talking to guys at all. And they are okay with being friends. I am tired of talking about video games and all that though. It's been like this for the past few years, where it's either a guy is talking to me because he wants to get laid, or a guy is talking to me because they are romantically interested. Can men ever be interested only platonically? Anyway yeah, my social life needs reconstruction.
 

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My depression has gotten quite bad lately. I've lost sleep again last night. Spent the entire night crying away. Having strings of bad luck following me everywhere I go isn't helping my emotional state at all. Good things just never seemed to come my way. And whenever it does, it never seemed to last for long. Whenever I thought that good stuff are happening in my life, it ended up getting taken away from me within a few days. Whenever I thought that my life is turning for the better, bad news started coming my way. Happiness just never seemed to last for more than a few days. That feeling of seeing hope only to have all my hope crashing down again. I'm tired of living such a miserable existence. One day, when I can't take it anymore, I'll just off myself.
 
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Can't believe Covid is forcing me to flat share again. :/ Thought that life phase is behind me. My desire for independence struggles to swallow the pill. But I also kinda need new friends as well since I'm still the new girl in town. Gotta love the intricacies of life...
 

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The King of Pentacles may also represent a person/mentor that is wise and can guide you especially in terms of obtaining wealth/financial freedom.

What is the end goal that you have when looking for a job? (different than the job/money itself)

What field? (to accurately and eligibly connect socially with, saving time = becoming more efficient)

Who do you know that has the life that you’re after? ( and how did they obtain it, success patterns)

Make sure to seek out these people, take advice and break down the steps in a practical matter. (a plan, with ministeps)
 

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I have a major issue with people who cant accept help. Had a friend in our youth who had a break down because of a chain of mistakes he made during a period of some 28, 29 years of his life. Then the desire of escape and later isolation came about. Some of our crew, the more sensitive ones Id say, as I was far too much focused on my businesses and the rest of the self centrism one sufferes while being both mentally unhealthy and most certainly immature too, invested pretty decently to exhalt his spirit to feel idk appreciated I guess again, but the stable depression would just prevail.

Then he started to feel like he just wouldnt ever fit in, and the rest of what follows in those states of despair. Few months later, I got a call from a mutual friend of our. An amusing woman delivered the news. I can still remember how I crashed onto the office window and just slided down to this crunch of an inimaginable sadness. He was a friend I had knewn since age 8. A person one that you would give your wallet to and nothing would be missing from it even if he kept it for weeks in a row. A person who youd call when you missed a train to buy your tickets online, or to bring you food when youre ill. A person you would play tennis/squash with against a garage door who would lose points just for you to feel better about your limited abilities against him. A person who would be gratful for a lousy, noisy moped when the rest had these shiny, brand new scooters and mopeds. A person who would dream about snowboarding competitions at age 12 while being the newbie on the team lacking finances to get in earlier in life, but at already 19-20 succeeding to fulfill his dream nationally with extraordinary social skills that attracted equipment and recording sponsors from all over the world. A man, among the best I ever knew that supported me during my lowest moments had now die killing himself using a train impact, and all I was focused on during this all, was money and power. Its was a difficult moment to admit how bad friend one can ever become. I was that, then. And often before it.

But after I fell down on that day, I promised to myself I would change into better, and when ever I would see a person suffering, I would do my best to point out the minor magnitude of these human problems and especially hand over the solutions to them. And I did.

What is painful to me, still, is people who can not accept help.

As that can relead to what is most undesirable in life.

Luckily, some wake up during a last call, and can be still uplifted. That is nice. That I like.
 

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Something I found myself writing today...

I feel it is important to write this down now, even though my hand is killing me and the journal it is set to go in will not arrive for a few more days.

In my last journal, I left off with the assertion that I can no longer be an artist that works towards the goals I initially had, because my experience of the world and desires will not enable me to do so from a position of integrity.

That may sound sad, and to some degree, it is for me, but --after so many years of feeling like I have lost my sense of direction, of confusion that I seemingly don't know what I'm doing-- I am somehow relieved to finally be in a position that does not seem forced, where I think I understand (better, at least) what has changed in me and why I have found things so difficult.

The past two days I spent turning my living space upside down, searching for all the loose writing and journal entries that I know I had left spread out through more than 10 notebooks, sketchbooks, folders, scratch paper, receipt paper, and on my phone.

Initially, it was simply me fulfilling an urge brought on by the resurfacing of too many memories, and the simple fact that my journal, started in 2011, finally had no room left. 9 years of writing sometimes every day, yet there was a ridiculous gap between about 2012 largely up until present day. But I knew it was all somewhere (I tend to reach for whatever is on hand, regardless of where I am), so gathering them all up needed to be done. Later, I realized the abstract thoughts running in my mind, unvoiced: Where did that person from back then go, who is more familiar to me than this woman I am now? You probably know already that this is a recurring question for me. Many times asking, many times answering, but this time seems more significant.

Suffice it to say that what began as an attempt at organization appears to be revealed as a subconscious attempt to reconcile my past and present existence. What was I then that I feel so distant from now? Why have I struggled expressing myself and why did I stop? Specifically, through the expression of art, but also where had my appreciation gone for the world around me? The one that I see around me everyday, not some abstract concept of the world at large. The appreciation which I so frequently demonstrated in my sketches, nothings on twitter, and even photos I shared on instagram. Where I shared it did not matter, but the fact that I could not help myself before, and for years now, there had been almost nothing I wanted to share. Was that uncontrollable desire, the ease of it, perhaps a product of youth, taken for granted? Had I simply lost sight of something I had no idea required maintaining? Or... is there something else that I want now in life?

I may not know the answers to any of these questions any time soon, but, it seems I may have found a hint today, as I was transferring to the journal intended for all of those loose papers (a stack nearly as tall as my calf) two letters from my high school teachers recommending me for attendance and my own statement of purpose (all submitted to the college I was applying for)... from almost 10 years ago. I was 17 when they were written, and am 27 now.

Anyways, it's a bit difficult to verbalize, because I truly failed to live up to my teachers' high praise, almost right out of the gate in college. I know I must look beyond that right now, at the uncomfortableness that is my 17 year old self talking about the 'wonder', 'light', and 'joy' that she, at some point, came to believe adults had mostly lost and greatly needed reminding of.

It's such an emotionally... unfamiliar taste to me now. Mentally, I even feel rather sickened just reading what I had to say at that point about living. But... behind that grossness... I wonder if I feel like I have let my previous self down-- not for the lack of concrete success as an artist, but for the fact that not only do I not hold the same things dear anymore, the same values, but that I cannot even acknowledge them anymore. I don't recall what such a perspective feels like, and I even see it as an apparent denial of reality. I do not believe it was denial then, but it would be for me now. Yes, yes, I know everyone at some point comes to believe different things than they did as a child. What needs to be understood is that I am talking about the longest lasting, deepest motivation I had had while everything else about my being changed around me like a merry-go-round that never reaches all the way around. Until one day I looked back and it was not there at all.

I believe my 17yr old self would say that I have succumbed to fear, anger, anxiety, self depreciation, and worse: that I -allowed- myself to lose hope, joy, or wonder. Whatever that thing was. While I do not feel or know those emotions that I used to know, I still have the memory of how deeply I valued them and wanted to share them as an artist at the time.

I do feel sorry to that past, that I did not keep hold of those ideals and those emotions-- that I never ended up sharing them in my work the way I had wanted.

But now that I am here, in this place and time, due to having my hopes dashed one too many times... due to having to learn how to face the harshness of a life where luck and an early start are not enough, where I must sacrifice much in order to live as an adult with unceasing responsibilities... in a reality that I did not comprehend the extent to which power dictates something as seemingly untouchable as the air that I breathe. . .

Well, It happened. But all this was a side note to the parts of the letter where I said how dearly I wanted to 'reach the next stage' in my life, to 'keep learning'-- the passion that I had to express what I have learned to the benefit of others. These things I have done and kept, while not having happened in the ways I could conceive of back then, and I believe if I take a good look at what my experiences are telling me --now--, then perhaps I can begin to gain again in this life, instead of continuing on the trajectory where I felt to seeming ad nauseam that my soul had been snuffed out. I once believed that a candle, insignificant is it may be, could and should be re-lit. I took for granted that a flame was never something I had to build for myself, and only in that aspect. I had thought keeping such a thing, or letting it go, was a choice.

It doesn't matter whether I was right or wrong, whether I chose or chose not to. It happened to me, and I want to take what I've become and find a new way of living. In particular, I want to learn how to be positive again, without denying my experience of a reality that has been full of pain, difficulty, shame, and defeat. I want to understand how to move through life with a knowledge that there may not be a happy ending, and that nothing is so concrete as to allow for only one possible future.

Surely, there is still value in pursuing the possibility of a future that I cannot find the hope for?

I want it to be true.
I do not think it is true.
I am willing to try and see, and perhaps never be proven wrong or right.

It could be a trick of the mind now-- the will of my DNA to continue itself. But it's what my life has carried me to, at present, and I see little value in being greedy beyond that.

A pleasant thought that... just maybe... in another 10 years, I might conceive of existing or moving in an entirely different way than either now, or how I thought at 17.

If I HAVE kept anything until now, it is probably the desire to someday see the unknown.
 

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Something I found myself writing today...

I feel it is important to write this down now, even though my hand is killing me and the journal it is set to go in will not arrive for a few more days.

In my last journal, I left off with the assertion that I can no longer be an artist that works towards the goals I initially had, because my experience of the world and desires will not enable me to do so from a position of integrity.

That may sound sad, and to some degree, it is for me, but --after so many years of feeling like I have lost my sense of direction, of confusion that I seemingly don't know what I'm doing-- I am somehow relieved to finally be in a position that does not seem forced, where I think I understand (better, at least) what has changed in me and why I have found things so difficult.

The past two days I spent turning my living space upside down, searching for all the loose writing and journal entries that I know I had left spread out through more than 10 notebooks, sketchbooks, folders, scratch paper, receipt paper, and on my phone.

Initially, it was simply me fulfilling an urge brought on by the resurfacing of too many memories, and the simple fact that my journal, started in 2011, finally had no room left. 9 years of writing sometimes every day, yet there was a ridiculous gap between about 2012 largely up until present day. But I knew it was all somewhere (I tend to reach for whatever is on hand, regardless of where I am), so gathering them all up needed to be done. Later, I realized the abstract thoughts running in my mind, unvoiced: Where did that person from back then go, who is more familiar to me than this woman I am now? You probably know already that this is a recurring question for me. Many times asking, many times answering, but this time seems more significant.

Suffice it to say that what began as an attempt at organization appears to be revealed as a subconscious attempt to reconcile my past and present existence. What was I then that I feel so distant from now? Why have I struggled expressing myself and why did I stop? Specifically, through the expression of art, but also where had my appreciation gone for the world around me? The one that I see around me everyday, not some abstract concept of the world at large. The appreciation which I so frequently demonstrated in my sketches, nothings on twitter, and even photos I shared on instagram. Where I shared it did not matter, but the fact that I could not help myself before, and for years now, there had been almost nothing I wanted to share. Was that uncontrollable desire, the ease of it, perhaps a product of youth, taken for granted? Had I simply lost sight of something I had no idea required maintaining? Or... is there something else that I want now in life?

I may not know the answers to any of these questions any time soon, but, it seems I may have found a hint today, as I was transferring to the journal intended for all of those loose papers (a stack nearly as tall as my calf) two letters from my high school teachers recommending me for attendance and my own statement of purpose (all submitted to the college I was applying for)... from almost 10 years ago. I was 17 when they were written, and am 27 now.

Anyways, it's a bit difficult to verbalize, because I truly failed to live up to my teachers' high praise, almost right out of the gate in college. I know I must look beyond that right now, at the uncomfortableness that is my 17 year old self talking about the 'wonder', 'light', and 'joy' that she, at some point, came to believe adults had mostly lost and greatly needed reminding of.

It's such an emotionally... unfamiliar taste to me now. Mentally, I even feel rather sickened just reading what I had to say at that point about living. But... behind that grossness... I wonder if I feel like I have let my previous self down-- not for the lack of concrete success as an artist, but for the fact that not only do I not hold the same things dear anymore, the same values, but that I cannot even acknowledge them anymore. I don't recall what such a perspective feels like, and I even see it as an apparent denial of reality. I do not believe it was denial then, but it would be for me now. Yes, yes, I know everyone at some point comes to believe different things than they did as a child. What needs to be understood is that I am talking about the longest lasting, deepest motivation I had had while everything else about my being changed around me like a merry-go-round that never reaches all the way around. Until one day I looked back and it was not there at all.

I believe my 17yr old self would say that I have succumbed to fear, anger, anxiety, self depreciation, and worse: that I -allowed- myself to lose hope, joy, or wonder. Whatever that thing was. While I do not feel or know those emotions that I used to know, I still have the memory of how deeply I valued them and wanted to share them as an artist at the time.

I do feel sorry to that past, that I did not keep hold of those ideals and those emotions-- that I never ended up sharing them in my work the way I had wanted.

But now that I am here, in this place and time, due to having my hopes dashed one too many times... due to having to learn how to face the harshness of a life where luck and an early start are not enough, where I must sacrifice much in order to live as an adult with unceasing responsibilities... in a reality that I did not comprehend the extent to which power dictates something as seemingly untouchable as the air that I breathe. . .

Well, It happened. But all this was a side note to the parts of the letter where I said how dearly I wanted to 'reach the next stage' in my life, to 'keep learning'-- the passion that I had to express what I have learned to the benefit of others. These things I have done and kept, while not having happened in the ways I could conceive of back then, and I believe if I take a good look at what my experiences are telling me --now--, then perhaps I can begin to gain again in this life, instead of continuing on the trajectory where I felt to seeming ad nauseam that my soul had been snuffed out. I once believed that a candle, insignificant is it may be, could and should be re-lit. I took for granted that a flame was never something I had to build for myself, and only in that aspect. I had thought keeping such a thing, or letting it go, was a choice.

It doesn't matter whether I was right or wrong, whether I chose or chose not to. It happened to me, and I want to take what I've become and find a new way of living. In particular, I want to learn how to be positive again, without denying my experience of a reality that has been full of pain, difficulty, shame, and defeat. I want to understand how to move through life with a knowledge that there may not be a happy ending, and that nothing is so concrete as to allow for only one possible future.

Surely, there is still value in pursuing the possibility of a future that I cannot find the hope for?

I want it to be true.
I do not think it is true.
I am willing to try and see, and perhaps never be proven wrong or right.

It could be a trick of the mind now-- the will of my DNA to continue itself. But it's what my life has carried me to, at present, and I see little value in being greedy beyond that.

A pleasant thought that... just maybe... in another 10 years, I might conceive of existing or moving in an entirely different way than either now, or how I thought at 17.

If I HAVE kept anything until now, it is probably the desire to someday see the unknown.
Now THAT was quite an introspection. I even felt the melodicity in it, going like a waltz! :) I have some more accurate ideas to decompose your stages of this all and categorize the next phase, but Ill be getting to those later on during this post, as the rest of your message is just too juicy not to take a dive in.

Your first phrase is what tells most from you and your priorities. As you are like that, the flame isnt gone, its just barely on. But I has a lot to do with what we choose in life, for sure. You see this lifes architecture is formed to distract from what matters most. It is made for us to become as sensory, as primitive and as TIME consuming as possible. The rat race enables this, the price of worldly value too. If we take it historically, and its possible you already know that just 100 years ago it took one 3-4 MONTHS work in construction to purchase a property, real estate - not just some apartment, and start a microbusiness. In 2020 if you wish to buy a house from lower lower class position, it will mean 45 plus 45 years of work from a husband and a wife. So inflation has been tremendeous, as the purchasing power has basically sunk to toilet paper level. This leads to a sickening level of effort for what was a normal way to live just 100 years ago. This poverty is what makes people flush away unintentionally or/and unwillingly but surely their set of healthy priorities. Im including myself in this group too. Or surely at least heavily was like that. And that generates nothing but misery. If we enjoy the priviledges it brings as our minds or souls carve for nothing more, we will be happy in the margins set by our IQs, but if we are like you and I, that all, even the maximum of it, will always be just a set of thin air. Because in the depths of our souls, we know theres just more to life than what meets the eye.

You, I, some of us dream about succeeding with integrity. Or at least relative integrity. But in this world, that is not what is valued. It says it respects honor, honesty, freedom and equality, but as we get older we learn to see the glass ceiling and how all impactful is, in fact, directly linked to the opposite of those values, which I like to call the deep fake. Masks. And the slyness beneath them. But this is the way the world has ran for a long time now. People accept it as a generational habitation already. It IS the normal. And thats why people with inclinations towards integrity have issues with it. They just can not properly integrate, can they.

Theres a thing called neutrality. Its when the rat race starts loosing from its perceived value and the willigness to become more oneself and sort of just start to accept it all becomes suddenly a logical choice. This neutrality, if we fall onto just it as a consciousness level, then our emotional stability is far better than of what we have surely experienced before, such as anger, shame and so forth. So to you, its not where you can go, but more of a how much less low you can fall. And I think that is where you are winning at here. Meaning you oscillate emotionally less into the lower realms of a human soul. Which is kinda a point related directly to the meaning of life.

Hehe. You are being nostalgic there arent you with the last two days. Its a phase. A normal phase. And then its over as we will look forth instead of back. But if we know what our roots are, we will most definetely always know where we heading to.

The questions there, when we mature, it all becomes more and more clear. Same question, deeper answers every single year. The appreciation we have for the world around us, normally, should first become lesser and lesser and then we ought to be revealed what more is there to experience and know about ourselves and then, coming back with that all, this life, with ALL of its known and unknown imperfections should and does become not only acceptable but ingeniously balanced and to far west of this, totally harmonical. As it is all a learning experience, about us, our choices, will power and the Creator Himself. Its like a circle, or better yet the sign of infinity. The flow will always be there, depending on what we chose. And those are our fruits. Of our lives.

Own statement of purpose. Idealisms of a young mind, ones that hasnt yet met the total sphere of the balance. Ones that only knows 50% of the good and maybe 0.01% of the evil. The mind that still affords to be positivist not to say naive. Yeah, I can relate if that is what you sidenotedly meant.

Wonder, light and joy you say were the words with connotation to happiness, werent they. Might been your association or of your teachers, what is said is pretty solid in value indeed. And also that people forget about those, because of either the pleasures and success of this world, their vices or their cold hearts and deep fakeness. But some manage to click on these though. And few, manage to let them not just guideline them for the present but all direct them where they will end up for a little longer time than 120 years we have here in this body experience.

To me, those words had no space to exist. I never wanted wonders, nor light nor joy. In my circles of influence what was acceptable was worldly competence, power over the other(s), money and larger trend impact. Globalisation if you will. What occured to reconnect me to something and someone I didint even know I was or could become, is a story for another night. But what I can and do say, is that an identity crises is perfectly what I dealt with too, at your age or so. Because, like, where was that promised happiness, right.

You wrote about being diligent to your can we say old self. But you need to accept that even if that is what you were, all the life experiences did lead you to who you became today. Feeling grossed out for previous values and so on would be weird if it wouldnt happen IF we have selfgrowth at all in us. Its part of the game.

Deepest motivations of them all you say. What is there to say, so that you can grasp and carry here instantly.. There are three sources of motivations in life. Outer, inner and the beyond. In that order for depth. While the 1st two will adjust being relative, the third will remain being absolute by its nature. So time and space influences the worldly, while the roots on the 3rd will keep the tree standing high in all natural and temporal turbulence. If you know what I mean. Or imagine.

Hope, joy and wonder. And how your 17yo self would sanction you for loosing your grip with them. But why wouldnt we flip it around to it saying, that perhaps this here is just a stage, what enables us to start dodging the fear, anger anxiety etc. What if this is just a stage for something far better and you as a 17yo can not just see that yet. Or what if this is all a structure to reach far further in life than the worldly notions ever allow us to. What if, just what if theres an Administrator to this all that loves all the 17 yo and the 27 yo and the tomorrow version of you. Or us. What if the lottery ticket will win more than anything here. Now, you tell me, wouldnt that be a wonderfull thing? :)

Usually when we do not keep hold to the ideals of novelty it is because we let filth enter us and our lives. Accepting that as a fact is what is a zero point focus. Admitting it, I mean. Cutting that off is the 1st step to take. And then out of purity arises the plant of idealism, again. Just like at age 17.

Unceasing responsabilities are part of the distraction. They steal away your time. Minimalism it the solution. Even extreme minimalism. Death for ideals is fancier than life on ones knees. Quality should be always be of more value than quantity, under ALL and ANY circumstances. Meaning well fixed principles. Sure deal that it kicks off the spontaneus realm of adaptation, but I would rather dream of honey, and adjust behaviour accordingly than live in a pile of dino excrements and pretent happy because of my pricey wrinkle face operations limited success stories.

The air, the water, the lack of radiation, and endless of other tricks are made with just one intent alone. And that is for the souls to become distracted from connecting to their Creator. Because then, the rules of the game change in the favor of the player. It will become uglier. WAY worse. But if you have the Creator of the starts with you, in you, around you, its still all good. Its so good, you will not believe how unlimited its benevolence actually is. So thatd be it.

Trajectories. Ill tell you what. When we shoot a projectile, it doesnt always enter the killzone and hit the target. It can always bounce off of anything at all, like from a bird. Sometimes, a bird comes along the way, and if that bird is our Creator, the trajectory will change. Inevitablely. And that, dear writer here, is THE wonder even I define as a wonder indeed.

If we want to relit a candle that is intended to shine in a thing called infinity or eternity. We kinda need someone a bit more inspirational to spark it up than you or me. And then the journey has only begun. And lovable it is. Keeping a wordly light is a choice, but if the vainglory of the world is withdrawn from us, be prepped, as what follows will most definetely redefine what empty and full mean. In terms of light.

I want to learn how to be positive again, without denying my experience of a reality that has been full of pain, difficulty, shame, and defeat.

They way to remain positive is to anchor our hopes to the Creator and cut all expectations towards the Earthly. Theres no other way to remain stable than to accept and forgive all, and then love all out of mercy. That is how eliberation works. That is what sets us free from negativity. And merging with the Creator soul wisely is what sets us free for ever. Snuffed is a pretty powerful world to describe life experiences, but yes, that is it metaphorically speaking taking in consideration the dimensions it traumatises. Know this, the more sensitive one is, the more one suffers. BUT the more one will excel at delicate sensitive matters such as quant jumps at ones levels of counsciousness. So its a two sided sword, with far more upside risk than downside one.

Theres a concrete set. So this might be a decent day for you. If you follow what raises your counsciousness levels, you will be happy, if you cut off what lowers them, youll be happier, faster. Thats it.

He said, that if we knocked He would answer. I find that statement truthful. And alive.

I once had issues with greediness. Then I realised it was created in me. Why, well for me to be greedy about something positive and constructive. Such as spiritual development towards and into the meaning of life. This much I can convey, it did not fail me, not even remotely.

Ten years you say. If we didnt have that much, what would you test drive, today. The now is the only thing certain. Past is a cest la vie, the tomorrow, uncertain. Thats why delaying entering an inspiration is a way to distract and steal time, again. And again. AND AGAIN.

Seeing the unknown.. Now that is a pretty decent desire there. Try the 17 of the 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18. And you will.

As the 2 Cor 5.17. is nothing short of the truth.
 
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