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Discussion Starter #1
Sup guys.

For those of you I've made an impression on, you know I'm a little crazy. Well now I have some proof! After a hospital visit I was diagnosed with anxiety disorders and was recommended therapy.

So I'm seeing this therapist, talked about you guys and mbti, and turns out she's studied it a bit and is an ENFP. Well we've been focusing on my interpersonal relationships alot since that's what I keep bringing up and I've been being a bit passive about the situation so I decided to do some research and be a bit proactive about the situation.

I ran into this thing called the Theory of Attachment and it described a repeat relationship issue I was having to a T. I feature symptoms of the Insecure type called Avoidant Attachment.

Avoidant attachments are formed by people who avoid attachments. There's two subtypes of this: dismissive/fearful. The Dismissive Avoidant will form relationships while keeping those people at a distance. They maintain a strong feeling of independence and don't like depending on people or people depending on them. They suppress and hide their feelings while being dismissive of the needs of others.

The Fearful Avoidant will form relationships, also while keeping those people at a distance. While they crave emotionally close relationships, they find it hard to open up to others out of fear of being hurt. They often don't trust the intentions of others they form attachments with. Once again, they suppress and hide their feelings but while feeling distrust/unworthy of their attachments. They are less likely to express affection.

You can read a couple articles about it here if you're interested:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-change-your-attachment-style/
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults#Relationship_dynamics

So I found that I have traits of both Dismissive and Fearful Avoidance and have formed my relationships with others in this way to varying degrees. I was just curious about others here to see where you lie on this spectrum:

Secure Attachments
Anxious Attachments
Avoidant Attachments

I just saw alot here and thought some of you might be able to benefit from this. I suspect many of you will be Dismissive Avoidants though I'm sure there's a full spectrum here.
 

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I have some attachment issues. Mine all stem from abandonment issues from
when I was a child.

Its not enough to bring me down but it has made for some pretty heavy reactions
to certain types of relationships.

Avoidant attachment sounds like a write up for ENTP.

At least the brief description you put there.
I did not link dive.

Nice to see you found some soul food my man!
 

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Sup guys.

For those of you I've made an impression on, you know I'm a little crazy. Well now I have some proof! After a hospital visit I was diagnosed with anxiety disorders and was recommended therapy.

So I'm seeing this therapist, talked about you guys and mbti, and turns out she's studied it a bit and is an ENFP. Well we've been focusing on my interpersonal relationships alot since that's what I keep bringing up and I've been being a bit passive about the situation so I decided to do some research and be a bit proactive about the situation.

I ran into this thing called the Theory of Attachment and it described a repeat relationship issue I was having to a T. I feature symptoms of the Insecure type called Avoidant Attachment.

Avoidant attachments are formed by people who avoid attachments. There's two subtypes of this: dismissive/fearful. The Dismissive Avoidant will form relationships while keeping those people at a distance. They maintain a strong feeling of independence and don't like depending on people or people depending on them. They suppress and hide their feelings while being dismissive of the needs of others.

The Fearful Avoidant will form relationships, also while keeping those people at a distance. While they crave emotionally close relationships, they find it hard to open up to others out of fear of being hurt. They often don't trust the intentions of others they form attachments with. Once again, they suppress and hide their feelings but while feeling distrust/unworthy of their attachments. They are less likely to express affection.

You can read a couple articles about it here if you're interested:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-change-your-attachment-style/
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults#Relationship_dynamics

So I found that I have traits of both Dismissive and Fearful Avoidance and have formed my relationships with others in this way to varying degrees. I was just curious about others here to see where you lie on this spectrum:

Secure Attachments
Anxious Attachments
Avoidant Attachments

I just saw alot here and thought some of you might be able to benefit from this. I suspect many of you will be Dismissive Avoidants though I'm sure there's a full spectrum here.
I'm definitely somewhere between Secure and Dismissive Avoidant. I am very independent in relationships and tend not to overly depend on other people. I can be pretty bad at doing things without keeping my husband in the loop. However, I do like to have people close to me but I am not afraid of being alone. I do like to feel needed but it is not a motivating factor in my actions in relationships. I have pretty high Fe which I attribute to my close relationship to my ESFJ mom so that wanting to help and do service is very high. I do tend to let others do the emotional talking though and only let out my feelings if people ask. I find though that most people, even close friends or my husband, never seem interested in knowing my deepest feelings so I just don't express them. I don't worry about being rejected if I say them, it's just I don't waste my time with conversation that isn't keeping the other party interested. That's something that developed the older I get.

I did grow up in a pretty secure family with loving parents who obviously love each other. I really did not have much of a reason to have relationship issues. The biggest threat to my relationships is that darn Ti. Being over-logical. Also, my parents did raise us to be very indepenant. Although my mom is an ESFJ, she was not a helicopter parent and praised us for being independent. She went back to work when I was 7 and she task-mastered the household with assigned household chores. We learned early on how to cook, clean, and do laundry (she actually paid me from 8th grade to 10th grade to do the whole family's laundry-she said that was a "above and beyond" chore).
 

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I (try to) avoid attachment because as the Buddha's teachings go " Attachment is the root of all suffering." It makes a lot of sense when you think about the human condition; a fear of death. To die is to sever all attachments and this pervades every aspect of out lives.
We equate loss with death and so we cannot let go of anything.
This is how Buddhists accept death; to detach themselves from everything in the physical world. With no attachment there is no loss

This is the explanation of the spiritual but it also applies to the physical-as I said, it permeates ALL of our lives.
We spend our lives obtaining material objects and going attached to said objects, but as it has been said, "You can't take it with it." The mortgage, the vehicle payments, any remaining debt, the maintenance of said home or vehicle, even all of your stuff does not just disappear with you. it remains and becomes a burden on your family, most, if not all of whom have their own debt. You cannot rest in peace with so many attachments remaining, you cannot rest leaving a family behind, you will worry about them.

Of course, as social animals with an instinct to procreate detach one's self from a family and friends is not a viable option. So, you get rid of the stuff. It is only a distraction anyway.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
I have some attachment issues. Mine all stem from abandonment issues from
when I was a child.

Its not enough to bring me down but it has made for some pretty heavy reactions
to certain types of relationships.

Avoidant attachment sounds like a write up for ENTP.

At least the brief description you put there.
I did not link dive.

Nice to see you found some soul food my man!
Yeah, my father kind of bullied me. So that relationship was unstable. Then my ma and sis took off to england. So the abandonment thing kind of hits home. So I'm a bit distrustful of others, a bit dismissive of others emotions, and I hold them all at a distance so they don't get too close. Even in the healthier Dismissive variant of Avoidant behavior, note that it's still defensive; as if the Dismissive Avoidant is protecting themselves from others. I suspect the dismissive avoidant is protecting themselves from being disappointed/hurt by others by never allowing them to get close in the first place, something I have years of practice in doing.

I do have a few secure relationships as well, but the bulk of it is is still me stuffing down my emotions and being evasive in close bonds. And yeah, pretty happy that I found this, its just teaching me more about myself. I never truly cared too much for my own emotions so having someone there to navigate me through them is really helping me put them into perspective and teaching me how to manage them.
 

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Discussion Starter #6 (Edited)
I (try to) avoid attachment because as the Buddha's teachings go " Attachment is the root of all suffering." It makes a lot of sense when you think about the human condition; a fear of death. To die is to sever all attachments and this pervades every aspect of out lives.
We equate loss with death and so we cannot let go of anything.
This is how Buddhists accept death; to detach themselves from everything in the physical world. With no attachment there is no loss

This is the explanation of the spiritual but it also applies to the physical-as I said, it permeates ALL of our lives.
We spend our lives obtaining material objects and going attached to said objects, but as it has been said, "You can't take it with it." The mortgage, the vehicle payments, any remaining debt, the maintenance of said home or vehicle, even all of your stuff does not just disappear with you. it remains and becomes a burden on your family, most, if not all of whom have their own debt. You cannot rest in peace with so many attachments remaining, you cannot rest leaving a family behind, you will worry about them.

Of course, as social animals with an instinct to procreate detach one's self from a family and friends is not a viable option. So, you get rid of the stuff. It is only a distraction anyway.
It sounds to me like spiritual justification and intellectual rationalization for keeping others at bay. Not to pick your post apart, just the first impression I got.

But yes, I agree, you can't take any of this with you. Which is why I lean towards the opposite direction. Seems to me that physical objects are worthless in the end and the only things that really matter are experiences and leaving your environment better than you found it for others that come after you. Included in those experiences and environments are the other players you meet and the relationships you form with those people.

To me it seems that the only true value we can derive from this life is cultivating our relationships to others and our environment. Because yes, its true that we can't take any of it with. But the other players are gonna still be here. So forming attachments to others, while it keeps you attached to this world, is probably the only true source of spiritual value to be found here. Unless your entire focus is on the spiritual value of the self; I was/am like this but am starting to turn outwards towards others.

It feels like I'm taking care of a part of me that I never focused on before.
 

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Avoidant attachments are formed by people who avoid attachments. There's two subtypes of this: dismissive/fearful. The Dismissive Avoidant will form relationships while keeping those people at a distance. They maintain a strong feeling of independence and don't like depending on people or people depending on them. They suppress and hide their feelings while being dismissive of the needs of others.

You can read a couple articles about it here if you're interested:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-change-your-attachment-style/
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults#Relationship_dynamics
OH MY GOD
WHAT!

I have never looked into this...
That has been me for the longest time! I have cried passionately about his before.
But it's interesting how the feelings of abandonment come undetected to me. I never rooted it to that.
Now days, I'm glad to say, it's getting so much better. I've found friends that have helped my self esteem go to regular again. But I always did avoid accountability with other human beings until just recently (one of my friends (INTJ) detected this and called me out on seeing everyone as "expendable". The conversation intensified until I was crying on his shoulder). I was always looking for some one "else" to open up to and fully engage with instead being ok with the people in my life. For some reason, there was always a barrier that I set exactly because I always feel that if I give a person a place in my heart is FULL ON, to a point where I always paranoiacally believe it's a one-sided thing.
Jeez man.
You're not alone.
I'm glad to know several of us aren't!
 

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Discussion Starter #8
OH MY GOD
WHAT!

I have never looked into this...
That has been me for the longest time! I have cried passionately about his before.
But it's interesting how the feelings of abandonment come undetected to me. I never rooted it to that.
Now days, I'm glad to say, it's getting so much better. I've found friends that have helped my self esteem go to regular again. But I always did avoid accountability with other human beings until just recently (one of my friends (INTJ) detected this and called me out on seeing everyone as "expendable". The conversation intensified until I was crying on his shoulder). I was always looking for some one "else" to open up to and fully engage with instead being ok with the people in my life. For some reason, there was always a barrier that I set exactly because I always feel that if I give a person a place in my heart is FULL ON, to a point where I always paranoiacally believe it's a one-sided thing.
Jeez man.
You're not alone.
I'm glad to know several of us aren't!
Hey man, that's why I brought it here. First step toward change is to understand.

I also have these barriers in place, pretty much a psychological immune system, towards preventing close relationships. But I think I want to open up more about my feelings because I don't want to be this kind of person who can only form bonds with other people with a set upper limit: the convenience of the relationship. It's the strangest thing to me because I've meandered through most of my life wondering why I felt I couldn't form close bonds with others outside those formed in childhood. I never even realized I was barricading my emotions inside me.

It's nice to know it's a thing though, isn't it?
 

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I probably form relationships with more dismissive avoidants than any other attachment style. It can be really frustrating though and usually does end in me walking away from the relationship. The most frustrating is what you just noted which is the "convenience" of the relationship. Commitment is perhaps the opposite of convenience because if you are committed to someone, you will help them out at 2am if they really needed help. (Not that I have ever called on anyone like that before) But for me, it's more like if I call someone and they aren't just utterly bored (usually at work) then they won't even respond. Okay, at that point... it's obvious that someone is using you in a relationship. However, dismissive avoidant behavior occurs so naturally to the dismissive avoidant person that they don't even realize what they're doing sometimes. They often say things like "when __insert situation here___, I will be busy and have zero time for you" which often strikes me like "okay, that's ridiculous..." but I realize that they are OK with you doing the exact same thing to them.

One time I confronted a guy for being "distant" ... it was a Friday night, we were out at a pub and he was sitting right next to me and ignoring me (and we were supposed to be friends). I asked him what was up? He said, "I suppose I'm just the distant type..." And he did feign an apology, but that response let me know that I should really just walk away from the relationship, no point in trying with a "distant" person. But yeah, I understand how he became that way... his parents are really not the most compassionate or loving creatures... and attachment style is developed when you are a small child.
 

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I've studied this subject for one of my social research class. This is a really interesting theory.
While reading the scientific experimentation and analysis, I found out I have Fearful Avoidant attachment style at the moment. According to many psychologists, your attachment type can evolve and change through time (hopefully for the best) depending on your relationships experiences.


During my teenage years, I showed symptoms of anxious-preoccupied attachment style and I was diagnosed with social anxiety, just like you. After many hurtful events, I believe it leaded me to have fearful avoidant style. I'm still stuck with this style but I have Dismissive-avoidant tendencies now.
 
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Sup guys.

For those of you I've made an impression on, you know I'm a little crazy. Well now I have some proof! After a hospital visit I was diagnosed with anxiety disorders and was recommended therapy.

So I'm seeing this therapist, talked about you guys and mbti, and turns out she's studied it a bit and is an ENFP. Well we've been focusing on my interpersonal relationships alot since that's what I keep bringing up and I've been being a bit passive about the situation so I decided to do some research and be a bit proactive about the situation.

I ran into this thing called the Theory of Attachment and it described a repeat relationship issue I was having to a T. I feature symptoms of the Insecure type called Avoidant Attachment.

Avoidant attachments are formed by people who avoid attachments. There's two subtypes of this: dismissive/fearful. The Dismissive Avoidant will form relationships while keeping those people at a distance. They maintain a strong feeling of independence and don't like depending on people or people depending on them. They suppress and hide their feelings while being dismissive of the needs of others.

The Fearful Avoidant will form relationships, also while keeping those people at a distance. While they crave emotionally close relationships, they find it hard to open up to others out of fear of being hurt. They often don't trust the intentions of others they form attachments with. Once again, they suppress and hide their feelings but while feeling distrust/unworthy of their attachments. They are less likely to express affection.

You can read a couple articles about it here if you're interested:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-change-your-attachment-style/
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults#Relationship_dynamics

So I found that I have traits of both Dismissive and Fearful Avoidance and have formed my relationships with others in this way to varying degrees. I was just curious about others here to see where you lie on this spectrum:

Secure Attachments
Anxious Attachments
Avoidant Attachments

I just saw alot here and thought some of you might be able to benefit from this. I suspect many of you will be Dismissive Avoidants though I'm sure there's a full spectrum here.

I've done a lot of soul searching over the last few yrs and discovered attachment theory as well.

I'm a fearful avoidant, which is also called disorganized attachment (took me a while and a little confusion to realize they're the same thing). Disorganized attachment I think is the term that gets used w/ kids and fearful avoidant w/ adults.. looking at disorganized will help to understand that difference between fearful and dismissive.


I started a thread on this topic when I got into it, you can prob search for it if you want, also I ended developing a bit of my own theory/intepretation of what I think attachment types come from.


I think we're all hard wired to be social creatures and everyone naturally craves relationships and when it comes to relationships there's two sources of pain/anxiety: being abandoned or being abused by the other. By abused that can be physical (beating or sexual) but it can also be verbal/emotional, I just use it as umbrella term for any hurtful negative feedback from the other : being told you're stupid, ugly, untalented, unathletic, fat, and your tastes in music, clothing, movies, and everything is bad and ugly are all examples of abuse.

Anxious ambivalent type I think is developed when someone experiences a lot of abandonment in childhood, while the two avoidant type comes from abuse in childhood.

One of the really significant things about attachment theory that people like Bowlby found is that the type that people develop in infancy pretty much stays w/ them throughout the rest of their life. I think attachment type is developed that early, but I think a part of the reason why it sticks, is because the way parents/caretakers unconsciously treat their baby in infancy continues to be how they unconsciously treat their children for the rest of their childhood and life. I also feel like the way parents treat their children remains consistent and is rather unavoidable because it is the result of the parents own psyche including the parents' attachment type which manifests unconsciously in how they interact w/ their kid. For example I could see a dismissive avoidant parent not being caring and prone to yelling and acting abusively towards their kid resulting in a fearful avoidant child.

The difference between dismissive avoidant and fearful avoidant I believe comes from who was the main victim of abuse that they experienced as a child. Fearful avoidant I believe comes from when the child themself is the victim of abuse ( this is also consistent/similar w/ what other sources say about fearful/ disorganized). Because the child is the victim of abuse they blame themselves and see something w/ themselves being wrong and the reason for abuse. In contrast I believe dismissive avoidant comes from when the child is more a witness to abuse then the main target. Such as if parents were more abuse towards each other, fighting separating etc. The child learns to see relationships as naturally abusive, but doesn't see the blame for abuse w/ themselves but with the untrustworthy, hurtful nature of others.

I think the same split of victim vs witness can be applied to abandonment as well.

Anxious ambivalent I think is where the child was the victim of abandonment and so blames themselves for abandonment, doesn't see the issue w/ others but themselves and so clings to others and blames themselves if anyone leaves them.

A fourth type should then also exist which is children who witnessed abandonment, which might result from something like witnessing parents separating but still getting personal attention and not feeling personally abandoned. I expect that would result in is that child then grows up to see people as unreliable and that when people are unreliable the blame is with the other person. So I the type of behavior I'd expect form this type would be someone who is very demanding controlling of their partner in a relationship. It is others fault for not acting appropriately, having strong enough morals, being faithful/loyal enough, being responsible, being caring, helpful and responsive enough etc. Can become angry if partner doesn’t do as they say and meet expectations, spend enough time w/ them etc. It would be similar to clingy anxious ambivalent types, but that the blame for the other not giving enough attention to them is not pointed at themselves but at the other being flawed.

It is also my belief that everyone has aspects of all four of the types and there is no such thing as anyone w/ a secure attachment type exactly. Someone who is a secure attachment type has aspects of all four of these within them, it's more a matter of that they're all mild and rather evenly mixed within them. Everyone feels insecurities of abandonment and abuse in relationships which can manifest in blaming themselves or the other. The 3/4 types are the result of an unhealthy environment that caused one of these to become dominant in a person's psyche. But I don't think there is any division between types and it's not all or none, people I believe are all different mixtures and degrees of the attachment types, though many ,such as myself, will fall into one type of another.

Hopeful you found that helpful :)
 

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Hey man, that's why I brought it here. First step toward change is to understand.

I also have these barriers in place, pretty much a psychological immune system, towards preventing close relationships. But I think I want to open up more about my feelings because I don't want to be this kind of person who can only form bonds with other people with a set upper limit: the convenience of the relationship. It's the strangest thing to me because I've meandered through most of my life wondering why I felt I couldn't form close bonds with others outside those formed in childhood. I never even realized I was barricading my emotions inside me.

It's nice to know it's a thing though, isn't it?
It feels wonderful.
What fascinates me is how ENTP's relate to this so well. Unless, of course, it's just rather common across all the types and not this type in particular.
Avoidance is what I see mostly in ENTP's.
 

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What you wrote about avoidant attachment sounds a LOT like me. I had an abusive childhood and always knew I had some sort of abandonment issues as a result. But I want to explore the attachment idea a more based on what you wrote.

Thanks for posting.
 
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Discussion Starter #14
@desire machine

Thank you for sharing, your insights are helping me to build a more vivid picture of what I'm just now learning.

I'll have to read more on disorganized attachment formation. I only saw a small blurb on it so far but it seems worth pursuing. I'll look into that thread too. I'm in agreement with you that people form a variety of these attachments with different people throughout their lives to varying degrees. But there is a learned attachment algorithm that is dominant in each individuals life.
 

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I'm avoidant as well. I studied a little bit about this about 5 years ago and got some counseling to work through some of it. Its better now but nothing is perfect.

What is considered avoidant, anxious, and secure can be very dependent on culture. Cultures with more individualist values might see more avoidant behaviors as being healthy, whereas cultures with more collectivist values will see anxious attachment behaviors as more healthy; they might view the other side as being unhealthy. The lines for what is deemed secure changes and is very blurred. When we discussed this in class and compared it to different cultures, it was being compared to the USA's standards but whose to say that it's standards are the best standards? Anyways, just mentioning that socialization can have a role when it comes to attachment development. I wasn't abused or neglected as a child but my family greatly values independence so i was taught that. Maybe I got some fearful avoidance thanks to some early peer interactions, but if i grew up somewhere else or in a different time period i could be seen as being perfectly normal.

They also said that we can learn to be a different attachment style through our interactions with other people. People that had unhealthy attachment styles that surrounded themselves with people who had healthy ones had show signs of great improvement. some studies suggest that sometimes an anxious or avoidant attachment style dating a secure one can end up becoming secure. Something about learning how to proper address their fear through modeling and the securely attached individual will disprove their notions of how they expect humans to behave. This takes time of course. They also showed that a common pitfall is when an avoidant and an anxiously attached start dating each other. It makes both of them even worse because it confirms their fears. Each person is acting out the role that they expect others expect, and i guess they tend to seek each other out more often because i guess most people like confirmation bias. There are other fun factors as well such as securely attached individuals tend to stay in longer and have more healthy relationships so the dating pool tends to have a larger pool of non-secure individuals.

Anyways, from my studies it seemed like attachment style can change it's just a long process that's uncomfortable. It's basically facing a fear or negative thought schema and proving how its irrational over and over again. Maybe my professor was just very optimistic but i've seen huge improvements in myself over the years.

I am curious about the role attachment theory has with developing our personality types. Maybe it's common to see the same attachment style for each type. Thanks for sharing.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Just read about Disorganized Attachments:

https://www.psychalive.org/disorganized-attachment/

One thing that hit home for me was this:

The child is stuck in an awful dilemma: her survival instincts tell her to flee to safety, but safety may be in the very person who is frightening her. The attachment figure is thus the source of the child’s distress. In these conditions, children often disassociate from their selves. They may feel detached from what’s happening to them. What they’re experiencing may be blocked from their consciousness. A child in this conflicted state develops a disorganized attachment with their parental figures.
I recall spending much of my childhood in a dissociated state. My father believed that if I and my sister were afraid of him that we would be easier to control. He himself was raised in an old-school Italian family that beat him if he or his younger brothers got in trouble. So you could see that the conflict originates in the family.

Of course I eventually rebelled in my teens, attempting to grasp at my personal freedom which didn't actually get in my hands until I moved out of the house to university. The maturity difference between me then and now is astounding. I couldn't truly grow until I was outside my relationship with him.

Anyways, just some personal revelations here. Thanks for bringing this to me Desire Machine.
 

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I have also heard/read that your attachment style pretty much stays with you throughout your adulthood even though I have heard people "say" that they were once "Secure" and after a really bad experience in a romantic relationship, they became traumatized and are now "Anxious" or another attachment style. I think even though there is a spectrum where yes, we can have a bit of each of the different styles, there is still one that REALLY defines your behavior. For example, I could list all different shades of purple but for the most part people know I'm still talking about purple and not for example, like red or blue.

When I studied attachment style, and I try to boil it down into one statement for each style it actually makes it easier for me to identify which one people fall under. For the Secures, it said that relationships (especially working through the conflicts/bumps in the road) are not "hard work" yes, there are things that need to be done, but they do not view it like "work" (similar to if you really enjoy your job and you feel like it's not actually work). The Avoidants felt like relationships can be "hard work" and do not feel like it is their responsibility to "figure out" what the other person is feeling/thinking. That doesn't mean they don't ask how the other person feels, they just don't feel like that is their job. Contrast that to the Anxious person who might act upon their every thought or feeling and there was a joke about how they'll hit you up on your phone and all your social media accounts and email if you don't respond within a short period of time. Of course this is an exaggeration, but often the Anxious person is asking, "Do you still love me?" as if it is up for negotiation every new day.

Of course if an Anxious person is in a relationship with a Secure who is not bothered by the constant "Do you still love me?" questions, and the Secure assures them (convincingly) that they do have an enduring love for them, then the Anxious person will probably ask the question less, although they might still think it often in their heads (as a habit).

I'm an anxious-avoidant and find that most people have a really hard time telling that I'm not a Secure. I think because they assume "well, everyone's a little anxious and everyone's a little avoidant"... however, I completely identify with the description that we can form attachments but we don't necessarily trust people (until certain criteria are met, sometimes it just being that enough time has passed that we can say, okay this person is loyal and has my best interest in mind).
 

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I have talked with a psychotherapist about attachment styles and whether or not someone could become a Secure if they were in the right situations with the right people and his response was that you can "resemble" a Secure. However, once a situation triggers you, you are still the non-secure attachment style. I think that makes sense because I haven't really met anyone who wasn't a Secure and then became one after enough "healing" or enough distance from their parents who contributed to their attachment style. The analogy that makes the most sense to me is how people say they will always be an alcoholic, but they are currently "sober". Because the mind of an alcoholic is different from the mind of someone who was never an alcoholic ... and since thoughts are very hard to reprogram (I mean, how many times have you seen people lose a lot of weight and then gain it all back?) and it's even harder to reprogram thoughts that occurred during your formative years, I think the actual % of people who can become Secures who weren't Secures for most of their life is such a small number, they'd indeed be an exception.
 

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In my post, I meant that dismissive avoidant describes me. But for some reason I've been unable to edit any of my posts.
 
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:( website doesn't seem to be working, I can't quote posts, not sure if this will even post.

I wanted to say that what @Leahomme wrote above makes sense to me. To me I feel like attachment style largely the result of how the brain becomes wired in early childhood and so that neural wiring is foundational on which other neural wiring is built. Relationships and environments later in life can effect a persons attachment style and behavior, such as if they end up surrounded by secure or unhealthy attachment people will tend to make them more or less healthy and secure themself, which will effect their neural wiring ... however such changes in environment and behavior and lifestyle later in life while it may make a big difference in their attachment style and thinking and behavior, won't really change the foundational wiring that was there from early childhood. So someone who had a childhood that gave them a very avoidant or anxious attachment style, can become more secure, but I think will always have that attachment style as a sort of underlying framework within themself. At least that is what I think happens.
 
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