How do you know that your life is going nowhere? We don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, next week, or years from now. I've suffered with depression since I was 9 or 10 years old. It hasn't been continuous, but the depression rears it's head every once and a while. Sometimes it's more intense than others.
But what I've learned is that even when things look hopeless, something tends to happen where in it, I realize that there is hope somewhere. There is something that I can work towards and something that gives me purpose and meaning in my life. I hope that you are able to find these things in what others think of as "ordinary things". I suppose that is how Ni saves people like us.
My best friend sounds similar to yours. Mine is much more proactive about things and if she doesn't like something, she will do what she can to fix it, that second. She doesn't care so much about what others think of her because of her actions, and because of that, she doesn't understand many aspects of me. She gets tired of my complaining and emotional ranting. She thinks it's the same thing over and over again and am too lazy to do anything to fix it. I don't know whether your friend is the same way, but she sounds similar to my friend. Even when I express my need to have an emotional outlet and person to listen to me and offer advice, my friend isn't always that understanding and supportive. In this, I recognize my need to have others available that I can turn to in need.
So, I don't think that turning to therapy would be such a horrible option. I see a counsellor and I don't think that makes me any less of a person than anyone else. I don't think that you'd put the same judgment on someone else who sought therapy, just yourself. Sometimes I feel that I should everything figured out and balanced on my own and that by not being perfect and put together, that I am somewhat of a failure. Maybe you feel the same way. Please know that if you do go to therapy, you are not admitting to yourself that you are a failure. You are admitting that you need a bit of guidance and wisdom because you are overwhelmed at the moment. This is not the same as being a failure. And I don't see anything wrong with seeking out this kind of advice from someone who is professionally trained in this area. It's your life after all and you deserve the best. :happy:
How do you know that you will deeply resent the counsellor or therapist? Many are deeply compassionate about the people that they help (they are there to help you) and they do it because they care about and enjoy the work. If you do end up getting therapy, please find a counsellor or therapist who is like this. I would suggest getting recommendations and referrals from people you trust. I don't know much about you, but if you are a student, maybe you can check with your university or college to see if they have any professionals that they are connected with. My current counsellor is someone who I found through a college that I attended. They connected me with someone back home and I have been seeing her ever since. Some counsellors and therapists will even let you meet them beforehand, in a casual setting, and let you decide whether you would like to go forward with therapy. If they are not someone who you feel comfortable with or you have changed your mind about getting therapy or counselling, they make sure you feel free to make that decision.
Also, counselling/therapy and psychiatric treatment are not mutually exclusive. You can go to therapy or counselling and not be on prescription medication. Although, sometimes medications can assist in the treatment. But I understand where you are coming from. I also feel very reluctant to go on these types of medications. One reason is that I have had bad experiences with several types of anti-depressants and have experienced different side effects. I am reluctant to be a doctor's guinea pig and have them keep trying different drugs to see which one works. Who knows how long that will take. Since the depression seems to come and go, I don't see the point. Also, there are personal feeling connected to it. I also feel like I am admitting that I am weak, when I turn to these types of medications. As I mentioned before, I often feel like I should be able to handle things on my own. In addition to this, there is the stigma that comes along with mental disorders. My own family puts me into a box and because I suffered from depression at one point in my life, I must be depressed for life. They associate depression as part of me, not something I suffered from at one point in my life. I am not depression and depression is not me. It is something that has plagued me for periods of my life, but it is not part of my identity. Sometimes I am reluctant to seek help because I feel like I am accepting others' judgment. I feel like I am admitting they are right and that depression is part of me and I will always be depressed.
Please note that medications are not something you should rule out completely. They do help many people and are not something that people always need to be on for extended periods of time.
But I understand if they make you uncomfortable. I feel the same way. I agree that people these days are often quick to turn to drugs to cover up their symptoms, without actually trying to deal with the cause. I also worry about the side effects, because of my past experiences. I worry about the effects that have on other parts of my body. I would much rather turn to natural alternatives. This may be something you want to look into. Sometimes we can be missing things from our diets that can make stress even more difficult to manage. You may also have some digestive problems which make it difficult for your body to absorb different nutrients and so any stress has a bad reaction on your body. At least, this is true for me.
Regarding the moving away bit, I can try to offer a bit of advice because I tried that too. A couple of years ago, I moved almost 2000 km away to try to figure things out. I had lived at home with my parents, who have never gotten along. The stress at home was driving me crazy and my parents put strict limits on what I could do. They treated me like a helpless child who could not do anything for herself. This has had a bad effect on my self-esteem. I wanted to move away because I felt that I could not truly mature by living at home. I am also a religious person, which my parents are not. They forbid me from going to church, so I wanted to have the freedom to do so. I moved away and discovered that much of my problems followed me there. I was still self-conscious and shy, even though my parents weren't there. I thought that having a fresh start would make it easier to reinvent myself. I thought I could be more outgoing because no one knew me there and wouldn't care if I did something out of character. But I found that I was the same quiet person that I always was. I hadn't changed much at all. I realized that there were things that I needed to deal with and work on within myself and that no distance could make them go away. I ended up spending a lot of money to discover this. But I am glad that I did what I did. I learned things that I may have otherwise not learned and I had experiences that others may have wished that they'd have had. It was somewhat of a spiritual experience, if anything at all. I moved back home because I got very sick and my college thought I wasn't ready for schooling. Since then, my parents have become somewhat more accepting of my beliefs and treat me like an eight year old instead of a six year old. Haha.
I don't know whether this helps you at all, but it may save you from spending a lot of money, only to discover something similar. I found out that I was pretty clueless when I was out there on my own. I had no one. No previously known friends and no family members. I was incredibly lonely. To be able to go on this trip, I ended up working a job that I hated for about six months and taking out a student loan. I wouldn't suggest doing something similar because working a job that you hate can tire you out even more and you might find that your will to try something new disappears. I found that my energy was sucked out. I also made the mistake of going back to the same job after I came back, which made me feel like that was the only thing I'd ever be able to do. If you can find something that isn't so draining and that you would enjoy doing while you save up money, then go for it. But you may find that by working such a job, you may not feel the need to move away anymore.
Right now, I think that you need all the support that you can get. This being your family and the few good friends that you have. If you move away right now, you will isolate yourself from these people. I don't think this would be a good decision, for the time being. I think that your best option would be to look towards therapy, which does not mean that you need to look at medication right away. You may find that you don't need it. I would suggest trying to improve your environment the best that you can. If you have a job that drains you, try to find one that is better suited to your abilities and gives you the most potential to grow and develop as a person. Just getting through the motions and doing a job that gets you a paycheque isn't something that we find fulfilling as INFJs. If your home life is stressing you out, try to find activities to do outside the home that can keep you a bit distracted from what's going on at home. If you find activities that you enjoy, you'll probably meet people who have similar interests and personalities like yours. Through positive interaction and by successfully completing things, you will feel better about yourself. At least, it works for me.
I hope this helped at least a little bit. If you need someone to talk to or have any questions, please feel free to PM me. I'm willing to listen. I hope you feel better soon, Asmit. :happy:
