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Hello everyone, this is my first post on PerC. I've lurked around for years but I've never been one to post stuff in forums. The only reason I read forums is because I got into mbti in my teenage years and searched for a lot of information through them. It's probably been at least 5 years that I've been researching these types and of course I mainly try to identify which cognitive functions I use the most but for some reason I can never be satisfied for more than a couple of months on which I actually prefer as I can always think of reasons why I use the opposite functions. Anyways, according the the functions that I most often identified with, I constantly cycled through infp, intp, and as of the last couple of years infj. So I've compiled a load of random information of my life and how've I've been and if you care and have time to read it, I would love to know what type you think I am. At the current moment I'm leaning towards intp but still unsure. My apologies for it being so long. If you have any questions about anything specific thing please ask me I would love to answer them!

When I’m alone and watch a movie scene where someone is crying and in deep pain over some sort of loss, I can’t help start crying myself. It feels like an overwhelming wave goes through my body, I can physically feel it, a wave of emotion of some sort perhaps? But if I’m watching that scene with other people around me, I’ll still feel that wave but usually won’t let myself shed tears unless it’s with someone I am really comfortable with.

When I’m faced with a problem, I constantly look online to see if I can find a solution. But I know that I should be doing some self-reflection instead but sometimes it feels like too much effort and I just want a quick and easy piece of data or something similar to convince me of a decision.

When I’ve been alone for too long, I crave to be around people and/or to do something fun with someone.
I crave to merge with someone so as to have a deep connection with them; I’m a hopeless romantic and often dream of being entangled with a girl in bed while drowning in bliss, happiness, understanding and unison.

When I want to approach a girl, it takes a tremendous amount of courage and/or a total elimination of my self-doubt. Often times I simply rationalize that it would have been wasted effort and that she clearly doesn’t seem interested in me. I usually feel like a coward after.

When working in a group for a project, if there’s someone that doesn’t talk or participate and I sense that they feel insignificant, awkward or left out, I will make include them in my eye contact when talking with the group and try to engage them and make them feel like they are included. But I will not do much more than that.

Also, when working with a group, I want to make sure that everyone is on the same page and that nobody has any reservations that they are holding inside, I usually try and want to please everyone, at least to a mild degree. I do find some people’s suggestions ridiculous but I never call them out on it, but I try to tactfully steer them in another direction or casually identify potential problems with their ideas in order for them to realize themselves that there are better ways to go about the problem.

I never tried drugs until I was 21, although throughout my teenage years I knew that I was going to do some eventually. My friends often smoked pot around me but I always said no when offered. But I did start drinking at 15. My first two college years I partied quite a bit and enjoyed those times. Then I started smoking pot and rarely drank but smoked nearly every day for two years. I have somewhat of an addictive personality. If I have pot at home, it will take all of my discipline to not smoke any at night. I enjoy experimenting with drugs, especially psychedelics, I like getting lost in it and exploring the depths of my thoughts while high. I knew I was going to be smoking pot eventually because growing up I always had a liking for music from the 60s and 70s and wished I could have been alive during that period.

I’ve always had a dream of living in a cabin in the woods and being self-sufficient and clever in an independent way. I have always romanticized a simple life, yet I do feel like I would sometimes miss the perks of living near a city where I can go to jazz clubs and have many different options on what to do.
I’m fairly certain that my enneagram is 9w1 so I’m sure that has a big effect on everything I’m mentioning here.
I always felt some sort of connection with natural surroundings, but mainly when I’m in a beautiful part of the forest and by myself, especially if I’m stoned. I get all holistic and one with the universe when that happens. All that hippy shit haha.

I was diagnosed with diabetes type 1 about a year ago and I’ve dealt with it pretty easily. Things like that don’t phase me a whole lot. I’m usually able to find the positive aspects of the situation and focus on that while minimizing the rest. I’ve dealt with it relatively on my own. I had a lot of support from friends and family if I wanted it and they’ve showed me they care and are there for me but I battled through a couple of week of mild depression in my mind and came out determined and positive and it hasn’t really changed since, if anything it made me healthier! See positive outlook! Ha.

I can only hang out with a group of friends for so long before I need to leave and be on my own, unless it's a couple of my best friends but even then. Sometimes with a group of people I even feel alone while with them and lonely. Or sometimes I'll have a great time with friends and leave that night only to find myself feeling very lonely afterwards.

One thing that confused me is how I was as a child and throughout middle and high school. I felt like I was very different then and that I didn’t seem like an intp at all. I was comfortable talking with anyone (we had a tiny school so everybody knew each other well) and I was liked by everyone, I could relate to each “group” such as the “nerds” and the “jocks” and every other clique. Everyone saw me as a happy and friendly guy. I was always involved in sports and pretty good at them and sometimes involved in committees. A couple of times I was nominated to be leader of certain groups or committees even though I wasn’t running. I usually never looked for leadership positions but was often assigned to them by my peers. In elementary school I was a total teacher’s pet and throughout my 12 grades of school I’ve had high grades in every class.

Throughout middle and high school, I read a lot, almost all of Stephen King's books. After high school and into college, I found myself really attracted to non-fiction and collect more on random non-fiction that I can read. I find it harder and harder now to dedicate myself to read a full fiction novel.

When younger, I was the type to have one best friend that I would usually stick around with until me and a girl started dating in grade 7 and kept dating until first year of university. She was my best friend through those years and had a huge impact on who I am, we are still great friends today and talk often. In trying times of the relationship, I’ve often failed to conjure up the necessary feelings for the situation which left my girlfriend unsatisfied and unwanted sometimes. The feelings were inside of me but during the present situation they were repressed for some reason and I just had different ways of showing them rather than dramatically expressing them. I would usually organize some romantic situation in which would require a lot of effort. I would show how much I cared this way.
I’ve usually been able to share personal information easily with new acquaintances. But this information is usually some weakness or bad habit that I have; I usually joke about it or share it if they've shared something similar with me. I figure it’s some way for me to try to have a closer connection of sorts.

During my teenage years, I had lots of self discipline. For a year I cut out all junk food from my diet. I was always pretty good with eating healthy but sometimes I overindulge, I do have a sweet tooth. I started working out religiously in my teenage years and have tried to strive towards perfection. I really enjoy being active and fit, but sometimes I lack the motivation to start moving. Being fit has always been an ego boost for me and sometimes I do feel that I base a bit of my self-worth on the shape that I'm in.

I've enjoyed group sports in the past, but I think I most enjoy solitary sports, I enjoy long distance cycling with some good music or jogging, weight lifting, and I adore tennis and I'm pretty excellent at it. I get a rush when I push myself to the limits when jogging and cycling.

I'm sorry this has been so long, I figured I would give you guys as much information as possible, I could go on and on really but I've got to stop sometime otherwise nobody will read this, perhaps it won't get read as it is. If you have any more specific questions please ask, I would love to answer them!! :)
 

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Strikes me as Ni Fe, so INFJ, though I think not so healthy Fe, which can start to look like Fi as you turn away from relying on other people, hence your confusion (do I have weak Fe? Do I have Fi?)

But chances are you get some depression and maybe outbursts of frustration with other people. Ringing bells?

Your Fe was probably healthier and getting stronger in middle and high school and that's why you were better at socializing. Then maybe something tried your confidence, like adult life or some experiences, and you didn't empathize with yourself as much as you deserved to.

Have you ever considered seeing a therapist? If anything, just to talk stuff out with, it can be really good to have that experience.

Anyhoo welcome, hugs, and I think it's good for you that you finally posted that! :)
 

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Thank you for the response :) I did consider going to see a therapist a couple of times, but that was only for a couple of months after my break up and that was it. As for depression, I don't feel like I get really depressive but occasionally I will feel a melancholic depression if that makes sense? It feels like a mixture of not knowing myself enough to have direction in life, mixed with longing for good periods of my of past, mixed with feeling like there's something missing in me, some sort of fire that I yearn for. But this never lasts for too long, I never wallow in it for more than a day or two max. Sometimes it's only for a couple of hours.

Outbursts of anger for me are very rare. The one that I remember most was when I was working with my brother and my cousin for the summer and they always butted heads while I got along with both of them fine. So naturally I was always in the middle, empathizing with both of their complaints of the other. Then one day on the work site my brother started bitching about my cousin and how he never listens and I uncharacteristically snapped back at him, telling him that I'm sick and tired of hearing both of them complain, bitch and moan and sick of being in the middle of it. There's no way I could have done that with my cousin, but I guess I was less complacent with my brother. My brother has always had a short temper so I always seen his outbursts as immature and dramatic so it seems I've often refrained from doing such things. But at some point in my teenage years I used weightlifting as an outlet for anger that I had towards certain people.
But for the past few years, I can't remember feeling much anger at all, just mostly feeling lost in terms of what I want and what I should do with myself.

I was more socially outgoing up until I started my first year of college when my gf broke it off. It shattered my confidence and put me in a sad state for a long time, I experience anger during that year as well. I feel as though I've been more introverted since then. But that could also be attributed to the fact that I moved to a large college from a small town and school where I knew everyone. The breakup just increased the effect perhaps.

Thanks again for the welcome :) I'm usually the one telling people that they should talk more about the issues and be more open yet it is rare that I do it myself because I usually feel selfish doing it. But it does feel great when it happens. :)
 
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