[Lummex]

I don't really know who else I can vent to about this other than my family, who are unavailable to talk to right now. So here goes..

My best friend is an ENTP, as I have mentioned in other threads. We both agree that we are probably the best friends out of our entire group of friends, because we "get" eachother a lot better than the rest of the world. She is very smart about life, and we understand what it is to be a healthy, happy human being. We agree on a lot, but we also disagree on several things. Lately we have been disillusioned with several people in our circle of friends, and often vent about them with one another. Although I don't enjoy gossiping, it was a nice feeling (for both of us) to solidify once again how grateful we each are to have one another.

Anyway, last night we went to a party with some of our friends. I got there before her, and was having a nice, normal time. Feeling happy, having fun, not drinking much at all. Since I drank too much last weekend, I decided I was not drinking much this weekend. The most I felt the entire night was a nice buzz. So, she arrives and almost immediately starts taking jabs at every single thing I say. I am used to this, it is normal for her to make fun of me every once in a while. So I roll with the punches for a while, I either just laugh it off or try to explain myself in a good natured way. After a while I'm noticing that I literally cannot talk normally or have a conversation because after every single thing I say, she makes a jab at me, talks over me and drowns me out. By now she has an accomplice; our mutual guy friend who has been hanging out/talking with me. He also has a part in this...

This guy and I have been friends (through my ENTP friend) for a little more than a year. We have recently made-out a couple times just for fun, as friends. I mean, I don't like him as something more, but he's attractive to me or whatever. So we have been having normal conversation before she got there, and he always jabs at me a teensy bit too, but his was good natured and I had no problem laughing and joking back with him. When my friend starts, however, he just goes right along with her and won't stop making fun and talking over me when I try to say normal things. Also, my best friend is trying to get him to hook up with other girls right in front of me. Which isn't that big of a deal, but as a best friend, I found it incredibly rude and even more insensitive than usual.

So this continues all night. I eventually just stop talking because it's basically like I'm not talking anyway. It continues even after my silence. She is percieving my silence about being extra emotional and sad, which peeves her even more, thus causes more making fun. Our guy friend is getting hit on by this one girl. My best friend is egging it on. But we leave eventually and as she is taking us home, the guy, right in front of me, is like "aw man you should have given me ten more minutes with her, i could have taken her home, blablabla." Again, I understand that he's entitled to do whatever he wants, but is it really necessary to do that right in front of me? I just found the way they were acting incredibly rude.

So when I get home, I cry for a while, and then decided to text her. I feel like she must have thought I was drunk in order for her to treat me so carelessly. I said "so how drunk do you assume I was?" She replies: "I don't know, all I though I noticed was you were way too emotional for my taste.. and you know I have bad taste so... it's really not a big deal". I replied that I hadn't been emotional, that I had stopped talking because every thing I said was made fun of, so I couldn't have a normal conversation with friends. She replied "Lol whoa you're hilarious". And then I turned off my phone.

I never, ever blow up at people, and I feel like I wasn't really that angry sounding in my texts. But I certainly don't usually talk like that to her. I thought she'd appreciate my directness. But whatever, if she doesn't care that I was hurt by her behavior, then I'm done making an effort to always agree with her side of the story.

I guess something that also hurt about it was that she and I usually talk about what has been bothering us about our other friends, and when it's me she's throwing backhanded anger/discontentment/frustration at, it really bothers me. I thought maybe she'd just tell me outwardly what's bothering her.

Anyway, I don't really particularly enjoy being friends with the people in our circle of friends other than her. And she's the only reason I hang out with them, so that wouldn't be a big issue.

I would miss her a lot and it would be hard to find a friend like her. But I don't know how I'll feel about our friendship if she doesn't apologize for being, well, it sounds silly, but a "bully". I don't understand why she feels like I was being too emotional BEFORE she even got to the party. She's like jumping to conclusions or something. It's baffling to me. Maybe she was pushing other annoyances on to me without realizing? Whatever. I'm kind of numb to the idea right now, but it'll probably hurt more as time goes on.

I'm glad that she knows I'm pissed at her, though, usually I just keep it to myself when she makes me mad.

Sorry this thing is so long. It's okay if it was tl;dr. It feels good to get it out somewhere.

 

[clear umbrella]

This has happened to me before. And thank god for aging, mistakes, and eventually making good friends to help me see where I went wrong.

To be frank, I think you should drop her. You deserve better than this, and better friends are out there. Likewise, she needs to find friends who don't care to be understood or dealt with good care.

I've wasted lots of my time on people like this, and it's not worth it. When I'm with my good friends, I sometimes wonder why I even gave that much of my time and energy to those mean friends.

It's time to move on. You've explained yourself, and you can send her a last email or have a last talk if you want. If she really cares about you, she is the one who needs to come around, not you. Yes, it will hurt losing a best friend -- but friends like the one you just described are a dime a dozen. You'll find someone better, trust me.

 

[Blue Butterfly]

I would say dump them all. I jumped my ISTP best friend and I am not looking back. When I dump someone they are dumped forever. You are I don't need people like that in our lives.

 

[Raichan]

My INTJ best friend doesn't do that to me and we have a mutual unspoken agreement even, not to make each other feel bad and not to discourage each other in even a small form if we have crushes/love interests/etc.

That person doesn't sound like a friend to me. Whether you're emotional or not to her, it seems that she doesn't respect your feelings when she should know you better. I think you'd feel more confident if you just cut her out of your life and do your own thing.

 

[AllorNuthin]

Dump her. Why would she want other girls to hook up with dude? Because it would make her feel better. I know that seems crazy, it is crazy. Your friend is very insecure, although she would never admit it, and has a habit of propping herself up by putting others down. She doesn't have good things to say to you or about you, doing so would be an admission on her part that you are a good person and make good decisions. If she admits this, then she has to question her own being, because she is so different from you. Your very existence, and your success and popularity, are threatening to her. She is JEALOUS of the attention you're getting from dude, and wants to take it away from you. She wants you to feel as bad as she does. This is an abusive relationship, us infps tend to get kicked around quite a bit. I recently said goodbye to one of my closest friends. It took me a long time to realize that he was manipulating me, putting me down, using me, all to feel better about himself. For years I had never openly criticized his way of doing things, his immorailty, his girlfriends, his problems. But he had made a habit of criticizing me. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and figured I could handle it since I was mature enough. But I eventually realized that he never had anything good to say about me. He always talked crap about my ex-girlfriends, minimized my accomplishments, and made fun of my basic morals and decisions. I came to realize that he could not admit anything good about me, that he wanted me to feel insecure. It took me a long time to realize this. Some people are really mean, don't give her any slack just because she is your friend. If she is bad to you, then stop being good to her. I realized the depth of my friends deception when another friend and him got into a disagreement. I knew for a fact that the other guy was in the right, because, being the sensitive guy that he is, he came to me and a couple other friends asking how to resolve the issue. Anyways, my mean friend tried to sell me a lie, telling me how evil and manipulative the other guy was, and I couldn't believe he was trying to destroy my friendship with him just to make himself look good. Trust me, your friend is FEEDING your insecurities and trashing your good intentions. Get the heck away from her and find a real friend. Don't try to explain things to her, don't try to reason with her, she is unreasonable. She doesn't want to do what's right or find the truth, she wants to WIN. That's all there is to it, she's using you. It's hard at first, but you will have lifted a great burden once you cut her off.

 

[Dary]

I don't understand how a person that is so connected to you and claims to be your true friend can act the way you described. That is just too retarded. And I think that's what she is: a retard. I'm tired of people like her. People who have nothing in their heads. Nor in their hearts, for that matter. People who don't make sense at all, and when you try to reason with them, they treat you like garbage and talk like mentally disturbed people. They piss me off.

 

[Lummex]

You guys are right, mostly. I'm not making excuses for her, but i do have to stress that it is difficult to really know her through a description of one night on an internet forum. She is not dumb, nor does she lack compassion. We both have vowed to join peace corp, she is interested in social accountability in everything anyone does (in other words, always giving back to the community and whatnot). She is serious and knowledgable about these things, so it isn't just because she want's to "look" a certain way. We have also been very close, she has confided that I am one of the only people who really gets what she's talking about a lot of the time. Stuff like that.

I'm also not trying to discount that she's been mean recently. I just always want to make sure every side of the story is there. Yes, I can be emotional. I've tried to change how much my emotions effect me. I make conscious changes every day to better myself. I will always be sensitive, though. i can't get rid of all of my sensitivity. I've learned to roll with the punches, as i did for the first part of that night.

I think what it comes down to (in my head, at least), is that she doesn't have the capacity to admit when she's been too harsh. She has so much pride in her family, culture, and personality, that she has a hard time seeing the other side. (it's great to have so much confidence, but the balance is lost when you have so much of it that you can't have empathy for your closest friends). I have fallen into a trap where i see the logic in everything she says without really taking the time to see the other side. Luckily, I have been forced to this time. She is NOT always right, and I'm not going to let it slide again. So if she wants to apologize, she can. Otherwise I will move on.

 

[Raichan]

Hmm here's an issue..Maybe she's acting that way because she's insecure or she's jealous of you over something?

Personally I wouldn't be friends with someone who shows such lack of consideration like her, but I often find out later that one of the reasons for someone to behave that way is need for attention/underlying jealousy.

Feelings are feelings. I know we're meant to be rational, that is true. But sometimes when you feel drained by a friend's behavior on a lot of levels, there's always a reason for it.

 

[starflower]

If you were a bit buzzed, maybe she was, too? Or more than a bit buzzed? OTOH, if she's an extrovert, she probably doesn't understand how introverts relate to people. I've noticed my extroverted associates have many, many superficial relationships: acquaintances they call friends. I have few friends, but I feel deeply for them, and would never do anything at all to hurt their feelings. If she's a thinker, maybe feelings don't matter to her - or not very much.

That said, I'm sorry she hurt your feelings. That wasn't nice of her, and she should know better. If you want to dump her, that's certainly understandable. It doesn't sound like she was treating you like a friend, and you don't need to be wasting your energy on such a friendship. Good luck in finding new friends who will appreciate you and respect you.

 

[Lummex]

If you were a bit buzzed, maybe she was, too? Or more than a bit buzzed? OTOH, if she's an extrovert, she probably doesn't understand how introverts relate to people. I've noticed my extroverted associates have many, many superficial relationships: acquaintances they call friends. I have few friends, but I feel deeply for them, and would never do anything at all to hurt their feelings. If she's a thinker, maybe feelings don't matter to her - or not very much.

That said, I'm sorry she hurt your feelings. That wasn't nice of her, and she should know better. If you want to dump her, that's certainly understandable. It doesn't sound like she was treating you like a friend, and you don't need to be wasting your energy on such a friendship. Good luck in finding new friends who will appreciate you and respect you.

She was designated driver, so she didn't drink at all. She is an extrovert and a thinker, and is well aware that she doesn't really care about people's feelings and is "annoyed" that she has to consider them sometimes. I just felt like that night was way over board for no reason (that I was aware of).