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Thoughts, concerns, questions...

1473 Views 16 Replies 7 Participants Last post by  nyn
Well, everyone. Here I am again on the forums coming in once in a while when I have nothing else to do.
Anyways, down to business.

Anyways, many of you have (or will) realized I am in the military on active duty, which means deployment deployment deployment (year in length); within a year from now I will boots on the ground wherever.
Now the deployment is only part of the problem, of course I actually have been wanting to deploy anyways.
My own father of 68 years old suffered a stroke back in July effecting his visual cortex amongst other areas of his brain and his behavior has been somewhat self destructive with his attempting to do things on his own, resulting in personal injuries.
My father I hold very dear to myself, I live over 1000 miles away from my hometown where he lives still so going to see him is difficult. He has diabetes, high blood pressure, the works of degenerative diseases possible for an older American male. Which makes me wonder about the chances of him kicking the bucket or getting into worse shape during the next two years without any chance of me being able to be there.

Now being a single 19 year old male living in a city that is not his own, I have been trying to get in on the dating scene looking for a serious relationship, however personal logic stresses that in order to best safeguard the emotions of me and the potential significant other in the long run it would be wise to not pursue such a relationship. This is resulting in me flipping out internally as an INTJ does and even staying up at night because of my conscious not wanting to rest over the issue.

I absolutely despise emotions and the $hit they're sending me through. Input is welcome.
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I'm with you... I frequently get worried, to the point of experiencing anxiety over my mother's health. She's not young and we're very close, so I feel that when I lose her, I lose the only person on the planet that loves me unconditionally. It's very hard to live in constant fear of a future event, so my advise is - try and accept the things will run their natural course and hope for the best.

As for the dating - I'm hopeless. I think much like you - I approach the relationship subject too seriously. People get scared and I get disappointed. I wonder whether it can be a bit easier for you to view dating as just spending time with someone, no string attached and deep feelings involved. I blame it on being female that I can't do it, so in order to not get hurt I don't date at all. That's really not a solution to the problem, but I'm out of ideas what to do. I hate with passion the downsides of feelings.

I wish I could say something helpful... All I can do is offer my sympathy.
Unfortunately, that's the very thing that I need in a relationship is being able to share deep feelings and all of that. I can't see myself being comfortable and having a fulfilling life by going about flings and everything else.
I live in a barracks where everyone else seems to have a very narrow minded and juvenile mentality of life. In the military everything is very much more different from the outside world, I'm not looking to get in a relationship with a female from work because those relationships never end well and it leaves a nasty view of both individuals. Forgive my language but the female is viewed as another "barracks whore" and the male is associated with her for the relationship so it damages both people socially standing amongst other things.
I need something real to say the least, but as I stated logic gets in the way.
I wonder whether it can be a bit easier for you to view dating as just spending time with someone, no string attached and deep feelings involved. I blame it on being female that I can't do it, so in order to not get hurt I don't date at all.
Just wait and see. I've discovered in my life that romance for an INTJ just appears unexpectedly. You may meet someone and - that's it! Or nothing.
Wow, your father had you at an old age. In my circumstances, I am the youngest child, there being many elder siblings who could be tasked with the care of our parent(s), which only leaves emotional needs to be met by spending time with parent(s).

I would wager that you already know most of this information, but if not, here goes...

When my brothers were about to deploy, many members of our family were there to spend their last week stateside together just to spend casual time with them, talk, laugh, watch movies, and send them off with hugs inside the hangar. I wasn't able to be there when they deployed (I had to relocate to another state in anticipation of my husband's redeployment in order to secure an apartment for us in preparation for his arrival) but while I was living in the same area as my brothers I did attend family briefings with them while I was able to. If your father can't be there for your departure, certainly make time to travel and to be with him at least for a few days, if not longer. This is not just for your sake of not having any regrets in case you might not have the luxury of being with your father again but also for your father's sake, in case anything happens which wouldn't allow your loved ones to see you or be with you again. Paperwork can provide for certain legal consequences of your possible death in the line of duty, but time with family is not something that can be afforded the way that material things can be if/once you're gone.

During any personal leave or free time you take, photos are something you should obtain of family or people you care about- with you in the photo or not, whether you think you'll need it later or not, obtain some. You will need to maintain morale and have some easily, self supplied mental and/or emotional support downrange no matter how tough or focused or hardened or unmovable you believe yourself to be, so think of something you can carry with you as a reminder.

If you won't be able to be there with your father before deployment through any possibility and you are an only child or the only child with a desire to support your parent in some way, it would be my concern that certain things are arranged for the parent, in the military for example in some scenarios you could become the sole person responsible for your elderly parent, legally, relocate him to where you are, get him an ID card that he can use to obtain certain benefits while you are activated, like health care, with you as his sponsor. If there is an MTF where you are that could also help.

There could be details of your situation which could prompt you to think of alternate ideas pertinent to your relationship with your father, his situation where he lives, his community where he lives, financial and legal implications, etc.

Consider that your father might have concerns or wants of his own regarding the fact that you could be leaving and possibly in a dangerous place within a year to possibly be gone longer than a year. Your father might have some thoughts to add on the subject.

Anticipate some way that you can keep in contact with your family and your friends or even friends, neighbors and/or church members who know your father and can get news to you concerning him if/when you are not able to contact your father. You could set up an e-mail address and be sure your father is knowledgeable in how to communicate with you, whether electronically or by snail mail, etc, and understands that there are certain details you can't share with him about your mission, location, unit, etc while traveling or during the deployment, etc. There are briefings which your family members are encouraged to attend if any of them are able to travel to where you are, but there are also family support groups for each unit and also rear detachment soldiers who can connect your loved ones to important resources.

Just wait and see. I've discovered in my life that romance for an INTJ just appears unexpectedly. You may meet someone and - that's it! Or nothing.

In the meantime, carefully consider what you want from this significant other, what the value of these wants is to you and why, and where you could meet that type of person. As my mother would say when she would ask my brothers what kind of woman they wanted to spend their life with and they then would describe a person with qualities very much like her own, "Well, the type of woman you've described by personality characteristics which you would prefer sounds similar to me, but I feel I should remind you that your father didn't meet me at a bar, so I'd bet you probably won't meet your ideal woman at a place like that, either, if she's anything like me." It's a lot easier to find the kind of person you want to find by ascertaining where that kind of person would be and frequent that kind of place in the time during which you're not leaving it to chance.

I wanted to spend my time with someone who shared a lot of my interests, and as it happened we met at a place where those mutual interests were easily accessible to be shared and discussed by dozens of people with the same amount of enthusiasm though their backgrounds were quite varied.

My last advice is to keep a journal if you don't already. Start somewhere, anywhere. It's better than verbal vomit. No one has to know but you. There are no rules to follow nor to break, all that you must do is write to have a very personal conversation with yourself on a thoughtful level. With a journal, essentially the goal is to just confess the truth to yourself- what your true feelings are about things and why. Some people are compelled to first lie to themselves before they can uncover what they are feeling beneath those cover emotions, what really fuels their actions, the why behind what worries them or what they fear, what's at the core of each idea or impulse- but that they are hesitant to confront.


Don't rush to get married if you do meet someone who seems highly appealing. Certainly don't drop the line to anyone you may meet that you could be deploying within a year, as there are women who will be delighted to know they can try to take you for a ride to end up with at least half of what you own while you're in theater. If any of them try to say you're being ridiculous to want a pre-nup agreement in the scenario in which you do marry before deploying, remind them you'd be crazy to not legally protect yourself, it's not a matter of trust but a matter of common sense. Save the trust for the emotional stuff, not for your money. If you do meet a wonderful person before deploying, do try to get on the same page with this person emotionally so you both know what you're expecting and what expectations can be met or can't with full and complete honesty. If this hypothetical person really believes they can endure the deployment while staying within the loyalty of a long distance relationship with you, do everything in your power to keep the relationship healthy and to maintain communication, otherwise don't pressure anyone or pursue emotional connections that you will just have to sever.

Definitely don't give anybody you haven't known for quite a while any degree of legal Power of Attorney for any reason, as there are some people who will come up with sob stories just to appeal to any good nature they could sense in you and try to exploit that.
Yeah, on the marriage thing I have seen how insane some of my friends who deployed have gotten with that, it's a bad thing which it seems to happen a lot with them flipping out emotionally and running to the nearest place to get married to someone they knew for less than a month.
I really have no intentions of getting married to someone until I get my schooling done, I'm thinking somewhere around the 25-27 age mark should my go-to frame. Still, I'd like to have someone here waiting for me when I get back. Some consistency is what I'm looking for emotionally I guess.
I used to think you can plan life like that. Now I know you can't.
if such planning was possible by now I should have been married with a baby. Not only I don't have a boyfriend, but there's nobody around that I can even imagine to be that person for me.
I used to think you can plan life like that. Now I know you can't.
Same here. Still, I'm not sure whether this is a good or a bad thing. I'm leaning towards "good thing".
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I'm with you two.
Because of it, I decided a while ago that instead of waiting for that future to happen (by which I mean: that person to appear), I'd take my life in my own hands and make it one I'll one day be content to look back on. I've been doing just that for a while now, and I definitely call it a good thing!
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You should do that regardless of whether you have a partner or not.
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Indeed. It just took me a while to realize that. For the longest time I was just too focused on finding a partner, because only with him life could be worthwhile (or so the reasoning went).
These days, the reasoning is quite different.
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This will greatly improve your chance of finding a partner. I can tell from practical experience :)
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I understand. It's one of those utopian ideals - but for an INTJ AND someone regularly deployed for extended periods of time - finding someone IRL is tricky, and even if you do (pardon my skepticism), will they really want to wait around for you to get back? And even if they said they did, is it really fair to someone to wait around for you to get back? On the opposite side of the argument, as an INTJ, there is part of me that would LOVE having my SO on the other side of the world for extended periods of time - it would give me LOADS of that personal time which is so hard for me to get (take) when I need it. On the same token, I wouldn't want my SO on the other side of the world with the threat of them being killed... so yeah...

Anyway, back to the recommendation I was going to make - why not build up a group of friends online that can "be with you" anytime and anywhere? I realize it leaves you without the physical aspect of a relationship - however once you're deployed, having a woman back here waiting for you will STILL leave you without hte physical aspect of a relationship...

Just my 2 cents. Best of luck to you in all that is ahead of you.
Still, I'd like to have someone here waiting for me when I get back. Some consistency is what I'm looking for emotionally I guess.
Well, I certainly wouldn't mind that. But I won't be holding my breath either; I have plenty of other uses for it now. :wink:
This will greatly improve your chance of finding a partner. I can tell from practical experience :)
I guess I would call it minor anxieties, (not so much that I let them do the decision making for me) that I'm not in particular wanting to just wait for someone to come along. Obviously some people are lucky to have it happen to them, I suppose after a while I may just end up having to accept it not working the way I'd prefer for it to.
I am definitely pursuing my career and everything, so maybe just get myself neck deep into it. I suppose if nothing, then I left a mark on society at least in the end.
I could tell you what I've had people tell me before: variations of 'You're still young', 'There's plenty of time for it to happen', 'It'll happen when you least expect it', and so forth. But those are only well-meaning (but ultimately meaningless) attempts to assuage your emotional needs/anxietey.
In the end, I think Doris Day had it right: Que sera, sera.
Until then, live your life. But you said that already. :proud:
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