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Fear.

Three hours later I'm invited to hang out over with someone. But I'm utterly afraid now.

Afraid I'm too bored to be the accompany. Afraid they think I'm wired. Afraid they think I'm too deep. Afraid of....
Over the years I'm always the person they want to accompany with when they just have nothing to do.

Sometimes I wish a could a bit superficial. As superficial as an average person, so I won't scared them because I'm so "deep".

Being too deep? How is that? I've grown up through misery. There's no reason why am I not deep. I want to be accepted, but things always being the opposite.

Seems that the only people I can talk with are 40+ matured male/female.

I'm sadden by this. Not because I'm not awesome. I believe that I'm, in some way, really awesome, but, it's just that I'm not accepted. I'm unwanted. I'm always alone.

Reached out to people, trying to hang out with them. Never got invited back.

Sometimes, this just makes me really really sad.

Am I such an unwanted person?

How could I ever find the way to build connection with people?

Later in few months I'm going back to college. This haunts me. I have no skills in making friends, with the people of my same age group.

A loner. Yea. Always.

What should I do? I'm panicking now because for today's hangout. What kind of mindset should I adopt? I know my current mindset will never let me thrive socially. But what can I do to chill?

Um, there's no big deal if you screw with one single person right? So I'm allowed to screw? Really? Really AM I? ARE YOU SURE??? Should I just turn this invite down because I just seem not to ready for new socialising? Should I just stay at my comfort zone? Are my wounds still there? How should I overcome? ....

yea.....

Please advice.... anything you think is useful...


Fear Again.

I hate this girl who speaks so fast and just speak all about her own opinions knowing that I'm not even interested.

How could this girl be popular? How could this win friendship. Is this the quality people attracted to these times? I'm confused. I can't figure.
=
I hate my narcissism parents. I hate how they say how good they are everytime when they're actuallu NOT that good AT ALL. I hate it when they saw I'm reading a book and start to criticize the author and start to bluff how better can they do if they are to write and how many people will buy their books if so. I hate it they criticize me for everything I did and never appreciate for anything I did. Well, not everything and anything, just a chliche "wow, that good" is what they call appreciation and I have to be f-king thankful of it. I hate them because my personality is distorted. I seen therapy before but I still can't get the root out. Why am I so low confidence in front of those pretty people? Why do I filter, reaerve myself so much just to "protect" myself when there is no harm outside? Why do I never know how to connect with people? Why? Why am I screwed at my personality? Can I blame my parents? No you shouldn't. Yea, everything I blame them I was called the most disgusting thing in the world. Aha.
 

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The No More Hero
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Afraid I'm too bored to be the accompany. Afraid they think I'm wired. Afraid they think I'm too deep. Afraid of....
Over the years I'm always the person they want to accompany with when they just have nothing to do.
Being the back-up plan is hard, but let me tell you something, you can't fear to be yourself. Even if people think you're too strange or deep for them. Adaptation to others is very important, but you can't use sight of who you really are. If they want you to change into something you're not comfortable with, they're not your friends or worthy of being your friends.

Being too deep? How is that? I've grown up through misery. There's no reason why am I not deep. I want to be accepted, but things always being the opposite.
What do you mean by being deep? Do you mean that you've suffered in life? Well, everyone has suffered and been through misery in one way or another. There isn't one person that doesn't know pain and suffering.
One thing that I've learned throughout the ages is that you can't force yourself to be accepted by others, you have to let them do it on their own. Show them you're, talk to them. You can't wait for them to invite you out or call you, you have to take the first step as well.

Reached out to people, trying to hang out with them. Never got invited back.

Sometimes, this just makes me really really sad.

Am I such an unwanted person?
Like I said, sometimes you have to take the first step. You have to invite people. And really what's the matter of inviting people to go out? Sometimes, they just don't want you, they might not be sure of what you like or if you like going out. Sometimes they're even scared of being annoying. Taking the first step and inviting someone out isn't a bad thing.

Later in few months I'm going back to college. This haunts me. I have no skills in making friends, with the people of my same age group.

A loner. Yea. Always.
Skills are learned through trial and error. If you want to be a loner, you can be one, but you clearly don't want to be one, so go outside and talk to people. Make mistakes, it's the only way you'll learn.

What should I do? I'm panicking now because for today's hangout. What kind of mindset should I adopt? I know my current mindset will never let me thrive socially. But what can I do to chill?
The mindset of someone who wants to have friends and have fun. Listen to some calming and/or motivational music to calm yourself down. Writing down your thoughts and feelings might help too.

Um, there's no big deal if you screw with one single person right? So I'm allowed to screw? Really? Really AM I? ARE YOU SURE??? Should I just turn this invite down because I just seem not to ready for new socialising? Should I just stay at my comfort zone? Are my wounds still there? How should I overcome? ....
We all screw up with somebody. The best thing is to admit our mistakes and apologize.
Do you want to have friends or not? If you want to have friends you have to go out of your comfort zone. Friends aren't going to fly into your bedroom through the window.
The wounds are going to always stay there, you have to learn to accept them. They're a part of you and they made you who you're.

I hate this girl who speaks so fast and just speak all about her own opinions knowing that I'm not even interested.
Have you told her you're not interested?

How could this girl be popular? How could this win friendship. Is this the quality people attracted to these times? I'm confused. I can't figure.
Well, she might be pretty, a good speaker or simply she can be rich and her status makes her popular. People are attracted to other people for many different reasons. Just because you don't find her interesting that doesn't mean others don't find her interesting and engaging. It's a matter of what you like and dislike.

I hate my narcissism parents. I hate how they say how good they are everytime when they're actuallu NOT that good AT ALL. I hate it when they saw I'm reading a book and start to criticize the author and start to bluff how better can they do if they are to write and how many people will buy their books if so.
1. Are your parents actually narcissist?
2. How do you know they're not good? Is that your own judgment because you're envious of the fact that your parents have something to brag about while you, from your own attitude, haven't found anything to brag about yet?
3. Criticism isn't a bad thing. My mother and I like reading, when I started reading Oliver Twist (a book I enjoyed very much at the time), she started talking about how she didn't like it because it was a story she had seen all her life when she got to read it. We started debating the good and bad things in the book and how the orphans in pop culture are a cliché.
Are you scared of debate? Why don't you talk to your parents about why you like the books you're reading? Also, what books are you reading?

I hate it they criticize me for everything I did and never appreciate for anything I did. Well, not everything and anything, just a chliche "wow, that good" is what they call appreciation and I have to be f-king thankful of it. I hate them because my personality is distorted.
Okay. How is telling you that something you did is good is a cliché or bad? I don't get it. Thanking someone when you're compliment is called politeness. You don't have to be thankful for it, but it is polite to thank someone for a compliment. It shows respect and appreciation for what the person has told you.

Why am I so low confidence in front of those pretty people?
From what I can I see, it's because you don't have confidence in yourself. If you don't love yourself, nobody else will. You can't ask people to like you if you can't even like yourself.
People are drawn to confidence.

Why do I filter, reaerve myself so much just to "protect" myself when there is no harm outside?
That's a question only you can answer.

Why do I never know how to connect with people?
Because you're lonely. Like I said before, you need to go outside and make mistakes to know how to connect with other people.

Why am I screwed at my personality?
Another question only you or a doctor can answer.

Can I blame my parents? No you shouldn't. Yea, everything I blame them I was called the most disgusting thing in the world. Aha.
No. You can't blame your parents just because they put you in this world. If you have been abused by then, however, contact the police. If you haven't, I'm pretty sure they care about you more than anything else in the world.
How old are you anyway? I assume you're a teenager. Such doubts and feelings are very natural in such a phase of one's life.

Learn to face yourself, accept the darkness within you and reach out for the truth. But only you can do this.


And now a motivational song:

 

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Just logged it because I need to say something about this part of the text

"Afraid I'm too bored to be the accompany. Afraid they think I'm wired. Afraid they think I'm too deep. Afraid of....
Over the years I'm always the person they want to accompany with when they just have nothing to do. "

You might be afraid of being the back-up plan... then there are people like me who are not even a back-up plan, I have to be the one sometimes remembering people that I even exist. You should be happy that people actualy remember you to make them company.

Just look at the bright side of it
 
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