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Discussion Starter #1
My true friends are always the ones where I can have comfortable silences, however there is somewhat of a skill to it, and as someone who spent probably from age 16-22ish developing the exact opposite perspective of filling silences and being "the outgoing one" (at age 20, during my peak I was the most stereotypical ENFP you could use imagination to conjour up), I'd like to outsource my plea for advice to my favourite introverted types in INFP/INFJ/INTJs, since you have probably developed this perspective/skill for longer than I have.

For the original inspiration please check http://personalitycafe.com/enfp-forum-inspirers/1149282-shy-enfp-3.html#post38396305 page 3 for my post.
 

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well . . . idk if it's so much a skill as just a predilection. is there a skill to left-handedness? kinda like that. i don't understand how people are not comfortable with silence, is the problem. extraverts are profoundly foreign beings to me.

i guess the reason why i don't respond to that [hah] silent social pressure to chatter when i don't want to is mostly from asking myself 'how will i feel if i do'. and if the answer is 'distorted and false and strained' then i'm less likely to give in to it. for me there's something really bothersome about offering people a superficial facade of behaviour that i can't back up because it isn't true. so i do it less and less since the outcome isn't worth the supposed 'value'.
 

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During a conversational pause, it's never really quiet from my perspective, there's usually wheels turning. Tip - when the other person stops speaking, and the silence has begun, you might try letting your mind do the same so maybe it won't feel awkward to you.
 

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All silences are comfortable if you stop caring :D

Here is an example:
Someone: "Wow this is kind of awkward hehe"

Me: "Yeah, it would seem so :D"

No really, just stop worrying about it; there will be people who will naturally mesh with you and produce comfortable communication, others will be awkward no matter what you try.

Ive found the worst conversation partners to be people with some specific vibes, most likely not Gamma. Like theyre so used to their circle of agreeable friends that theyre completely lost when they happen upon that 5% fraction of INTJ. This effect is only amplified by my crappy social skills, leading to interactions like the one above :D.
 

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It took a while for my ENTP friend to work out that silence between us is okay, it's not a social failure, silence doesn't need to be filled and he doesn't need to get anxious and spoil the vibe, not that I let him -- and I guess that's the point. I just stayed relaxed while he did his anxious musings re the silence, replying only that 'I enjoy comfortable silence' (said in a relaxed way) and eventually he learned to relax.

ENTP still starts the conversation back up for seemingly no good reason far earlier than my introverted friends do in the same situation, but I'm happy to meet my (only) extroverted close friend half way. My ISTP best friend & I can do comfortable silence for hours straight, effortlessly (I suspect our 'withdrawn' enneagram types/components (5, 9) play a factor in addition to being introverted -- ENTP has a higher base energy level (8w7) and is more neurotic -- I don't think it's easy for him to 'chill').

I imagine the 'skill required' is learning to relax in silence while in the company of another, a 'letting go' ---> shifting to self-focus while making the vibe 'comfortable'.
 

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It happens when you're on the same wavelength with someone else. With my INTJ best friend, we can sit silently for hours and neither of us will be bored or tired. Most of our chats are in fact just silent ruminations with occasional breaks in silence where we vomit a substantive idea we came up with. If it's really substantive, it leads to straight up talking, sometimes for hours. If it's not, back to silence again.

Never had that with anyone else in my whole life. And if it really were a skill, I'd be able to make an algorithm for it.
 

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Personally I find silence completely normal and pleasant when I am with someone. BUT if the other person feels uncomfortable with it,he sends an uncomfortable energy and I can never enjoy the silence.
 

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I naturally tend to fall into silence. But I do notice that most people find it easier to be quiet if there is some background noise or activity. Like music, or doing something with your hands or body - a puzzle, a video game, knitting, chopping wood, washing dishes, hiking, simply going on a drive. It is as if you have permission to not talk because there is an activity to fill in the silent gaps.
 

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Discussion Starter #10 (Edited)
well . . . idk if it's so much a skill as just a predilection. is there a skill to left-handedness? kinda like that. i don't understand how people are not comfortable with silence, is the problem. extraverts are profoundly foreign beings to me.
In all fairness, silences are much easier with an INTJ, because I can sense you guys really are comfortable with it- it's probably a large proportion of why we are suited to each other in long-term relationships I can imagine.. However believe me when I say 90+% of people have some level of challenge with it, whether they'll admit it or not. I can smell it from a mile away- especially if I'm with another ENFP, we're both sniffing out each others' vibes and we can tell we're both feeling each other out, and we have to act like we each don't have as good a read on each other as we do, even though we mutually kind of know that we do because we both know we are socially intuitive.. That's a mind-fuck kind of thing right there (I've honestly been watching too much Bill Burr on youtube lol).

..but as ENFPs we're predominantly pre-occupied with the state of people we're interacting with. We don't get a reputation as a type for empathy and social skills for no reason- it's because it's our main pre-occupation from the first day we learn to be self-aware as small children. I completely agree though, there's a level where there's just no need for it- I get better at that balance as I get older, but it's something to work on still.

You guys are fuckin' awesome by the way- the advice in this thread is so efficient and to the point.. (again I need to stop watching Bill Burr clips.. I'm addicted. I can actually feel myself amping up my Te every minute I congest that shit.)
 

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In all fairness, silences are much easier with an INTJ, because I can sense you guys really are comfortable with it- it's probably a large proportion of why we are suited to each other in long-term relationships I can imagine..
honestly, the [two] enfps that i know personally are nowhere near as comfortable with silence as me. they think they are, but they're not thinking of time on the clock when they give themselves that idea. i'm not sure they've even visualised the amount of silence that i can deal with. my intp son and i can comfortably co-exist for days without saying much to one another; and that goes for my [untyped] sister as well. i've never met any extravert who could stand that kind of thing. mind you, i'm not a believer in the intj/enfp story in the first place, so there's that factor too.

we both know we are socially intuitive..
pardon me for being a dick, but . . . unless you both know mbti and both know each other's individual type, that sounds a little like b.s. to me.

I completely agree though, there's a level where there's just no need for it-
this is an important thing to understand. idk about most other intjs, but i know my own personal experience is i don't need other people 'pre-occupied' with my state. i can take care of it by myself, and i like to do my own choosing about when and what i communicate around it. i don't expect or want anything else, so having someone else constantly monitoring me is like trying to live in your own house with random strangers leaving nose-smears and worse on the windows from trying to peer in and see what you're doing in there.

i think my type is an irritation to some of the other types, if they're in a group that's been socialized their whole lives to believe this preoccupation of theirs is universally A Good Thing. they're not well accustomed to meeting people who find it sort of intrusive and crowdy and weird.
 
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