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I'm an INTP and my boyfriend's (an ENFJ, if any y'all wondering) family, well mainly mother, (not so sure about the father or brother) thinks I'm quite abominably rude. Recently I went on a trip with them and it was really pretty much they're first big impression of me, you know, how I really am and all that. Anyway, I felt quite out of it, and so I retreated into my little self and the fact that I didn't ask to help do stuff apparently sticks in her craw. I thought if they wanted help, they would tell me. Well, at least, that's what the father did. Additionally, my appreciations were not flowery enough for them, I guess. My thanks "were not very good". And when they asked questions, apparently I didn't give them the conversation they were looking for. So, not exactly in favor with them right now. This family seems to me a very extroverted, feel-y family to me, so I just wanted to know if anybody had any tips on how to ameliorate their first impression of me. Essentially, tips on how to be polite from an ESFJ point of view.
 
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Extroverts likes to talk a lot(?).... so phrase your answers in the form a question so that they feel they're helping you instead of you being blunt about it?

i.e. "Help me understand please, ..." "Can you tell me (who/what/when/where/why),..." "Can you show me (who/what/when/where/why)"


My boss has told me people are more receptive to lending assistance when needed than taking any liking to be told what to do.

So for example, us NTP's tend to be blunt and straight with facts and back it up where seen fit.

However, quite a lot of individuals are not receptive to straight forward facts because it may attack them where they're not fully knowledgeable but know enough to explain how things basically works; as a result you may be stealing their thunder / limelight?

So by phrasing things simply by letting them help with the answering, it makes them feel as though they're contributing more than what you lead on knowing.

I've dealt with an SF family before and learned very quickly that I had inadvertently offended quite a few of them not knowing when to keep details to myself. I now only answer what is asked and no further ... unless required.

Hope this helps.
 

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don't disagree with anyone or question their words and then suck up to them like they are brilliant and original

compliment their strengths and ignore their weaknesses

take all their advice when given despite how stupid they might seem

inflate their egos and and give them credit for their accomplishments while dismissing all their insecurities

treat people like the innocent sweet babies they are by lying a playing the part

Meeting the family is not about getting to know one another its about whether you can play the role within the structure they have already established. ESFJ are traditionalist they don't like change or anything different from the past you really have to exploit that in order for them to view you as nice and polite.
 

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you know, l probably have an easier time with ESxJ types than some others because l feel like you can just follow ''the rules'' and they aren't too hard to figure out.

l took a temp job with my ex boyfriend's mom as my boss, once. Never again, and l think she was ESFP. l know she didn't like me, but l was clueless as to how to appeal to her and probably still would be :blushed:
 

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Do not stab them in the face. In most cultures this is frowned upon and will most likely get you kicked out. What you should do is surprise them by buying them a puppy. They seem like the type of people who like to feel superior so having a helpless animal in their possession should take the edge away from you. Then if you really want them to like you request to borrow something everytime you see them, they will contact all the time if you never return it. Make sure it's something they will miss like the radiator or something similar.
 

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you know, l probably have an easier time with ESxJ types than some others because l feel like you can just follow ''the rules'' and they aren't too hard to figure out.

l took a temp job with my ex boyfriend's mom as my boss, once. Never again, and l think she was ESFP. l know she didn't like me, but l was clueless as to how to appeal to her and probably still would be :blushed:
Same here... but fuck following the rules just because people can't adapt to relatively harmless behavior.


OP, likely what you need to do, is see the family as few times as possible. Use your ENFJ to navigate the situation, he knows what's going on more than likely. If you make it known that you're putting in an effort by saying something along the lines of "Oh, well normally I would answer it this way, but I think in some other circumstances...."

Judgers fucking love that shit.
 

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Apparently eye contact is vitally important. For a long while I didn't realize that I didn't give people eye contact very much, and this came back to bite me later. So, try to keep that in mind and force yourself to look at people sometimes. It will always be weird, though.

The other elements to "politeness" are pretty similar. They'll be something you didn't realize was a problem or made other people uncomfortable, and you just have to force yourself to keep them in mind. Read your audience. Some people respond well to sarcastic humor, and I'm good at that, so I can be a bit more talkative around those people. For people such as those you are describing, I'm guessing it'll have to be a bit faker.
 

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Hate to be blunt, but you basically answered your question:

"...and the fact that I didn't ask to help do stuff apparently sticks in her craw. I thought if they wanted help, they would tell me."

Do the opposite: offer to help when no one asks.

"Additionally, my appreciations were not flowery enough for them, I guess. My thanks 'were not very good.'"

Do the opposite: make your appreciations flowery enough for them.

"And when they asked questions, apparently I didn't give them the conversation they were looking for."

Do the opposite: make conversation a little less dry when they start asking you questions.

Granted, you could just not change a thing--but everyone has to go through this when they meet their SO's family.
 

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Hate to be blunt, but you basically answered your question:

"...and the fact that I didn't ask to help do stuff apparently sticks in her craw. I thought if they wanted help, they would tell me."

Do the opposite: offer to help when no one asks.

"Additionally, my appreciations were not flowery enough for them, I guess. My thanks 'were not very good.'"

Do the opposite: make your appreciations flowery enough for them.

"And when they asked questions, apparently I didn't give them the conversation they were looking for."

Do the opposite: make conversation a little less dry when they start asking you questions.

Granted, you could just not change a thing--but everyone has to go through this when they meet their SO's family.
this is literally the most useless advice.

"everytime you think about doing something, do the opposite"

yea, that'll really teach someone how to navigate social interaction.

:rolleyes:
 

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this is literally the most useless advice.

"everytime you think about doing something, do the opposite"

yea, that'll really teach someone how to navigate social interaction.

:rolleyes:
Actually, it's quite the most obvious advice. What's she going to do? scour the internet for how to be a decent human being in regards to different families? Each family prefers different things, and you need to be able to gauge what it is for that particular family.

Hell, she already did half the battle--she knows what ticked the mother off.

Now--just trying to be a little bit logical here--do the exact opposite of what she hates.

How hard would you like it to be? xD
 
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Actually, it's quite the most obvious advice. What's she going to do? scour the internet for how to be a decent human being in regards to different families? Each family prefers different things, and you need to be able to gauge what it is for that particular family.

Hell, she already did half the battle--she knows what ticked the mother off.

Now--just trying to be a little bit logical here--do the exact opposite of what she hates.

How hard would you like it to be? xD
precisely because it was obvious is why it was useless.

nothing about "do the opposite" offers any insight into how to break down and understand social contexts and expectations.

all it does is suggest that everything she would naturally do is "wrong" and doesn't teach anything about what "right" is.
 

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precisely because it was obvious is why it was useless.

nothing about "do the opposite" offers any insight into how to break down and understand social contexts and expectations.

all it does is suggest that everything she would naturally do is "wrong" and doesn't teach anything about what "right" is.
I would have to say there is no "right" when it comes to social interactions. I'm sure the advice one person would give her would not bode well if used on an entirely different person. That is why there isn't some hand guide or book in the library that will help someone be social.

He entire point is how the mother doesn't like her, and she listed off the things the mother didn't like about her. Thus, due to common sense, I concluded, "Hell...maybe she should try not doing the things the mother hates."

There is no need to break down the social constructs into puzzle pieces. She just wants to get through the freaking day without having the mother-in-law-ish breathing down her neck.

"Be nice," isn't going to do much.

Mother wants her to help without having to ask.

Mother wants to carry on with an actual conversation.

She already answered her own question by providing the exact keys needed to make the mother like her. Again, what is so hard about that? :p
 
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Basically fight all your natural INTP instincts, and you'll be just fine.

Seriously. Channel what semblance of inner extrovert you have. When you feel like hiding away, stick it out. Even for a few minutes, stick it out with the family. Ask questions, especially the kind that they can answer about themselves or their lives. People LOVE talking about themselves. Give them an inch and they'll take a mile.

And when it comes to helping, offer. I do it all the time, and more often than not you'll be told 'that's okay'. Not all the time, but often enough to justify just asking the 5 simple words 'do you need some help'. And always say 'thank you' when you have the opportunity. Like when someone does something for you, little or small. When meals are over, say how great you thought it tasted and thank whoever made it (how to make sound something sincere 101 - add meaning to you thanks. Don't just say 'thanks', say something like 'that casserole was delicious. Thanks for making it'. Adding a personal touch makes such 'thank you's' sound more authentic). Hell, you don't even have to like it as much as you let on. These extroverted types thrive on attention. They like to feel accomplished and, more importantly, noticed. They love being acknowledged for their work. The more you notice without infringing on their privacy, the happier they are.

I rarely have issues with extroverts because I basically shove aside all natural instincts to retreat into my shell when the time comes. Because, really, in the long run, it pays off to be a little uncomfortable for a few minutes, hours, or even days, than it is to give someone the wrong impression because you couldn't be bothered to adapt for them for a little while (yes, the double standard that you have to be more like them but they don't try to understand you is very frustrating - I hate how I still have to hug people upon saying hi/bye, for example, but a few seconds of discomfort beats many years, if not a lifetime, of awkwardness. Just never forget that there is an end time, that sooner or later you'll have your alone time). You don't have to make conversation with them, but at least invest in making an effort to keep conversation flowing with them should they be the ones to start it. They'll appreciate it, and the result will be beneficial to you in the sense they'll like you more. So, win-win really.

Also, if you've ever worked in a minimum wage customer service type job, you know how you're basically trained to be perpetually polite to even the most assholes of individuals? That sort of experience can REALLY help in these types of extrovert-related situations. Being polite to someone's family or friends is kind of like dealing with stupid customers at a fast food joint. Smile, nod, engage in friendly banter if the other individual starts something, and continue to say please and thank you in a pleasant tone. It does wonders.
 

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This is why I don't date. All of this sounds exhausting to me. I suggest breaking up with him and never leaving your house again. :kitteh:
 
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Apparently eye contact is vitally important. For a long while I didn't realize that I didn't give people eye contact very much, and this came back to bite me later. So, try to keep that in mind and force yourself to look at people sometimes. It will always be weird, though.
True. People have always somehow blamed me for not looking them in the eye after they started to get annoyed with my purely rational approach and obvious boredom during conversations about stuff that couldn't bother any introvert.
I really can't. Looking in one's eyes while listening or talking is so very distracting and overwhelming that I float off almost immediately. A solution will be to look at a point in their face somewhere near the eyes, like a nose of forehead. Once the distance between you and the other is large enough they won't be able to tell whether or not you look them in the eye.

Another thing I've learned is that, probably because most people do tend to watch you while you are talking, your own body language affects the way they feel about you. When I talk, I cross my legs like a woman with a tight dress on and I keep my arms crossed while looking at my toes. That seems to be more important to most people than what you actually have to say. Not only will they never take your supreme logics seriously, the are likely to not like you very much because of your awkward attitude as well.
I made a deal with myself: While around colleages and not so close contacts I try to behave like an action hero (legs wide apart, shoulders straight) - in which case I still look like an intoverted young man because of my not so very impressive stature. When with my own family and close friends, I don't have to care. I can sit and act like I want and they'll simply have to live with that. That has the plus that I can now actually look forward to going home and hear how my wife Felt, Sensed and Judged the things that happened to her during the day. I can withdraw within my comfort zone and she can talk nonsense to me as much as she wants.
 
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