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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I love my mom and what she does- but we aren't very close sadly. I can't really relate to her. Our conversations mostly include her asking me about my college application (definitely each and every time) and how it's a reputable school and how the general population approves of it

and my ideal conversation that I get excited about is whatever short story plot I'm working on, so sometimes I try to talk to her about those and I expect her to get excited about some of it at least as a psychologist, but she mostly just goes quiet and says something like "i'm glad you're happy about this"

idk it makes me sad that we can't relate that well. But living with her is definitely tough too, because I'm the type to neglect my living space for awhile and clean it up when I notice it, but my mom notices right away, and everything becomes a chore and a time-management burden, like vacuuming or doing laundry or doing some task that I was assigned to do in the morning. It used to get really bad before I moved out for college. Incredibly bad. Tears, screaming, and she didn't even understand the concept of my passion to go to a certain school. She insisted that the other school was better for me because other people liked it, and that was more valuable than my three-year devotion.

Anyways, how do I relate, how do I live? Do any of you have ESFJ mother bears?
 

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My mother is an ESFJ and we have a lot of the same XNXP v XSXJ conflicts. When I lived with her it was pretty much exactly how you described. We just have very different priorities and perspectives. However, I would say that we are still very close considering. We've pretty much accepted that we will never really agree with or understand each other and we agree to disagree. Whenever I talk to her, I'll ask her about her day and let her get all the SJ stuff off of her chest even though I have very little interest in those things. When I tell her about about my day, I'll bring up some of the interesting things I read or crazy ideas I had. She'll tease me about it and joke around because it's all nonsense to her and I'll poke fun of her SJ things. For example, I came over to see her the other day and she was knitting a scarf and I asked her, "Are you making me a superhero costume?" Of course she says no and I proceed to tell her how Superman's mother made his costume. She says, "Well Superman isn't real and you aren't a superhero!" She continues to tell me how I need to get out in the real world and embrace reality while I feign being crushed at the idea of not really a superhero. Basically I drive her crazy, she drives me crazy and we just have fun with it.

It has taken a lot of time and effort for me to understand her better, I just wish she took the time to do the same. I try to explain to her about who I am, but she doesn't really understand. I try to give her articles to read, but she isn't a big reader and doesn't make the effort to understand the articles.

I think its more tricky with a Parent SJ and a child NP because they are in a position of authority over us and they naturally try to press their SJ qualities and priorities on us and that creates conflicts. And I would think that the OPs mom as a psychologist would be more understanding of the differences and accept that you aren't like her and that isn't necessarily a bad thing. My dad is an ENTP which made growing up with an ESFJ parent easier, although they weren't together very long.

The best thing you can do is just keep trying to get her to understand that you are different and that's not a bad thing. Try to find a compromise and accept each other for who you are. Although, I think it's easier for the NP to do than the SJ. I make more of an effort to take care of maintenance issues in my place before she comes over or being they reach critical mass and she tries not to say anything very often and be more accepting.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
My mother is an ESFJ and we have a lot of the same XNXP v XSXJ conflicts. When I lived with her it was pretty much exactly how you described. We just have very different priorities and perspectives. However, I would say that we are still very close considering. We've pretty much accepted that we will never really agree with or understand each other and we agree to disagree. Whenever I talk to her, I'll ask her about her day and let her get all the SJ stuff off of her chest even though I have very little interest in those things. When I tell her about about my day, I'll bring up some of the interesting things I read or crazy ideas I had. She'll tease me about it and joke around because it's all nonsense to her and I'll poke fun of her SJ things. For example, I came over to see her the other day and she was knitting a scarf and I asked her, "Are you making me a superhero costume?" Of course she says no and I proceed to tell her how Superman's mother made his costume. She says, "Well Superman isn't real and you aren't a superhero!" She continues to tell me how I need to get out in the real world and embrace reality while I feign being crushed at the idea of not really a superhero. Basically I drive her crazy, she drives me crazy and we just have fun with it.

It has taken a lot of time and effort for me to understand her better, I just wish she took the time to do the same. I try to explain to her about who I am, but she doesn't really understand. I try to give her articles to read, but she isn't a big reader and doesn't make the effort to understand the articles.

I think its more tricky with a Parent SJ and a child NP because they are in a position of authority over us and they naturally try to press their SJ qualities and priorities on us and that creates conflicts. And I would think that the OPs mom as a psychologist would be more understanding of the differences and accept that you aren't like her and that isn't necessarily a bad thing. My dad is an ENTP which made growing up with an ESFJ parent easier, although they weren't together very long.

The best thing you can do is just keep trying to get her to understand that you are different and that's not a bad thing. Try to find a compromise and accept each other for who you are. Although, I think it's easier for the NP to do than the SJ. I make more of an often to take care of maintenance issues in my place before she comes over or being they reach critical mass and she tries not to say anything very often and be more accepting.
A lot of this is very true for me too, especially with the misunderstandings and the view she has that I can't survive in the real world. But the gut of that statement is essentially that I cannot survive as a free-thinking creative person in a world in which mindlessly productive monotony is the norm. Oh the world of the SJ's :tongue:

I think I connect to her, at least, through the fact that she raised me. But now that I've been accepted to this university which will move me across the country, she told me "But I won't get to see you anymore," which I resonate with, but living on my own was always 10x better than living under the household of two SJ parents

It's hard when Ne is generalized and brushed off as eccentric abstraction instead of people making the effort to connect to the ideas. I suppose I do still really love my parents though, regardless of whether I am understood. I know they both have positive intentions and only want me to be happy and successful. Bless people like that
 

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My Dad is an ESFJ/ESTJ depending what mood he's in. He can be a really awesome parent, but we clash a lot on our standards of neatness. He has very strong Judging, and it drives me crazy. Seeing he's the parent who usually stays at home, statements and questions like these are heard almost daily:

"My room's not THAT dirty. I'll tidy it next week."

"Yes, I washed my uniform" (5 minutes later) "Yes, I'm sure I washed my uniform. I remember hanging it out." (20 minutes later) "It's on the clothesline -- I can see it from here." (45 minutes later) ":dry:"

"I did help you clean! Can't you tell?"

"Do you really need to plan this out two months in advance?"

It's probably the same in every household that has these two personality types. However, my Dad has some qualities that I really appreciate, and we can work really well together in a team. It's just getting over the initial neat-freak that every ESFJ seems to be.

As for finding things to do with them, the only thing we seem to have in common are our political and religious beliefs. I'm not sure what your beliefs are in relation to your mum's, but ESFJs absolutely love talking and they don't shut up once you get them going about something they really believe in. My suggestion to you would be to figure out some subjects that both you and your mum like talking about and then go on a drive or out to lunch with her. It might be hard to find something you have in common at first, but there must be something you have in common. (Even if it's your opinion on whether polar bears truly are left-handed)

Oh, and like @Iaokim said, you're probably going to be the one who's putting the most effort in. ESFJs don't really seem to be bothered by the fact that they have so many arguments with their child, because, after all, they are ALWAYS right.
 

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I love my mother to death. (I believe she is ESFJ but I'm not sure). She and I have many things in common and we can have a great time with each other. I grew up being a mama's girl. However, when time passed my perspective on the world changed, she and I don't see alike anymore, Shes very conservative and cultured Hispanic woman and i'm just not.Her way or no way. It's very difficult to live with a person who's also extremely stubborn and I suppose I get that from her. She's also very sensitive and anything small thing will bother her and it really does frustrate me. She knows what to say to bring the worst out of me when she doesn't know it. ESFJ mom is a great person but it will always be a struggle to see eye to eye.
:unsure:

tips on living with a ESFJ.
*Give her respect and love.
*Do chores without being told.
*Get a hobby (video games, martial arts, singing) anything to get your mind off the situation

It's seems simple but that's how I've been doing it. So far I'm alright. Plus I go to school for 12 hours sometimes so that works staying away from home and being with my mom small amount of time.
 
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