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I'm not really just tired of the sex aspect, but the whole not connecting on a deep level with a guy. I'm 27 and I've wanted a deep relationship since I was a teenager but it's never happened. I'm frustrated and I see no reason why I should believe it ever will. I'm also not willing to get intimate with a guy who doesn't want a deep connection. Meaning my idealism is going to keep me from ever having a real relationship. I wish I could compromise or something but there's just no way it would feel right doing it with someone I wasn't connecting with. I literally won't have sex or even kiss till there's a deep connection and I know that about myself and it scares me. I could literally be a 60 yr old virgin unless I get some stroke of luck and run into a deep guy. I don't like the idea of living alone and never having anything close to a family.

To make matters worse this forum has spoiled me! You are all so intelligent and idealistic and unique - I want a guy like that! But this forum is not the real world and it's not reality. You've raised my idealistic standard still further while I deal with guys who just want one night stands in my real life :/ Thanks a whole lot ppl :p

So anyway, I guess I'm just wondering what the hell I should do with myself. Unfortunately I have a very high sex drive and am not cool with the celibate life. I also have an illness that makes it hard to deal with stress - any kind, even being horny, actually especially being horny :/

Thoughts? Ideas? If you are in a similar situation how are you dealing with it?
 

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Isn't this forum kind of a place to be idealistic, because living ones ideals isn't possible/healthy? I'm pretty sure everybody here sins to his ideals daily without even noticing.


Maybe you need to chage your motivation. If you are looking for sex, I don't think it's surprising to find one night stands.
 

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Wow this is very introspective.

If you are just getting more and more down because you can't find a soul mate to lose your virginity to, then you are going to have to control your sexual urges.

I would attend sexaholics anonymous meetings.

They are a serious group of great people.

I'm not saying I know from experience, or that I don't know from experience.

I do know there are lots of them around. I do know that meditation should be a HUGE part of your life too.

You really seem to love being social, but ask yourself how monks with a vow of silence can be so content.

This advice is coming from someone weak and undisciplined. I just think that life is forcing you into being a spiritually disciplined person.

I think that is a gift and a blessing, but it is obviously immensely hard.

I want to just say it is going to be okay and tell you how well off you are, and it will be okay in the end, but you certainly don't seem well off, and it does appear that some serious changes are needed in the way you cope.
 
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@Loyalgirl

Thoughts? Ideas? If you are in a similar situation how are you dealing with it?
Yep, i know the feeling. Although I am 22 and you are 27 and i will ask myself how am i feeling about it when im 27. It's probably a bit different.
Anyway i had sexual experience but not a lot of it really...one. Personally even if i do have big sexual drive it is not very well activated when i don't feel the connection. Why? You see, even if in my thoughts i have smth with someone - connection is included. But that's only like that in my mind...in real life - i only now found a person who really does makes me feel safe and connected - the person that i would try to have smth with.
It sometimes seems to me that it's all easy cuz of my sex drive but in a situation if i don't feel anything deep shit...i won't want it anymore. It's like my mind always has some terms for it and they don't become real in real life.
Only lately i noticed this is going to the point to sexual frustration. It's a sweet but also a bitter feeling. It's sweet for me cuz i think i have found a person to share it with :D, but it's bitter cuz i still don't see the right time or a moment for it.
I also experienced a whole different sexual attraction towards that person cuz i have feelings for him and feel connected - it is very different from my basic sex drive, this is more intense.
I also like how experiencing ideal connections in my mind gets me to feel things, but until i met this person i never felt how is to experience your dreams projected in a real life...at least parts of them till now. Other part i hope is yet to come.
But still it scares me as well, since still haven't went to that level with that person, that i will again want something more and more and that it will make me to wait for a moment even more. I think the key here is to relax for a bit and let yourself live thous dreams, recognize them when they happen in real life aka making a line between reality and my dreamland. But this is not easy, at least not for me, since my daydreaming emotionally effects my day, so it increased and its spreading and it got tricky.
But how this makes me feel - the words would be - frustration, longing, more vulnerable but im also happy to have any kind of my own connection with sexual drive. I value it no matter how frustrated it gets me. I do think i need balance with it. I can only hope that the special person and the special moment will present itself in a real life. (I'm not helping you with this am i? :D)
my point is kinda...you are going to feel that your dreams are projecting in your reality...you just haven't found a person yet maybe...but if you want thous dreams - relax and let them come and become real.
 
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I'm not really just tired of the sex aspect, but the whole not connecting on a deep level with a guy. I'm 27 and I've wanted a deep relationship since I was a teenager but it's never happened. I'm frustrated and I see no reason why I should believe it ever will. I'm also not willing to get intimate with a guy who doesn't want a deep connection. Meaning my idealism is going to keep me from ever having a real relationship. I wish I could compromise or something but there's just no way it would feel right doing it with someone I wasn't connecting with. I literally won't have sex or even kiss till there's a deep connection and I know that about myself and it scares me. I could literally be a 60 yr old virgin unless I get some stroke of luck and run into a deep guy. I don't like the idea of living alone and never having anything close to a family.

To make matters worse this forum has spoiled me! You are all so intelligent and idealistic and unique - I want a guy like that! But this forum is not the real world and it's not reality. You've raised my idealistic standard still further while I deal with guys who just want one night stands in my real life :/ Thanks a whole lot ppl :p

So anyway, I guess I'm just wondering what the hell I should do with myself. Unfortunately I have a very high sex drive and am not cool with the celibate life. I also have an illness that makes it hard to deal with stress - any kind, even being horny, actually especially being horny :/

Thoughts? Ideas? If you are in a similar situation how are you dealing with it?
that's beautiful!! i love that you know yourself so well, i have deep respect for people who stick to their guns. you see, i was not as smart as you. i knew i only wanted to be intimate with someone special, or connected to me, but i did it anyway. i tried to be someone i wasn't. i found out that when i had sex, it was my nature to need love, exclusive sexual love. i projected that feeling into relationships that were bad for me, and purely sexual. it made me feel used, but i put myself there, so i would actually try to make these doomed relationships work. :/ impossible. i was pretty stupid about it.

so then i said, fuck it, i'm waiting. i busted out the toys. i put my foot down, like i should have from the beginning. i got used to loneliness and met so many people that i could've tried something with, but it never felt right. i needed to work on myself, i think. i wanted to be someone who was capable, and stable, to really love someone like that. my trust and confidence was broken.

so i went uncharacteristically social. i made a lot of friends, and had some really good times. i tried to be a better person, a more loving person to everyone. i learned how to orgasm really well. lol i enjoyed being single, once i stopped looking at the clock. i decided that even if i had to turn 40 before i found him/her, i wouldn't go through the bullshit again just for sex. it just hurts too much, i'm too sexual for it to be meaningless. when i had sex like that, the vacuum of emotion after the chemicals fizzled out was devastating. it's way worse than pangs of loneliness.

so stick to your guns. if you're feeling wild, and you don't give a damn, have a crazy no-strings fling. virginity itself, to me, was never a big special thing. either way you're going to struggle, and learn, and grow into the person you need to be to find that love. but when you do, all this patience and restraint will pay off. i promise! keep being the amazing person you are!
 
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@goldaline

i'm too sexual for it to be meaningless.
THIS!!!
that's a very good thing to say. I feel the same way mostly. But I'll be honest. When you said "the virginity is nto the big thing to me" i kinda thought "it's not really right thing to say as people are more vurnerable the first time and i think no one should have a bad first time with someone they dislike" but when i looked deep down i don't really think of it as smth sacred. Virginity itself no, every time has it's meaning eaqually. Also it is true it gets better with experience. But i couldn't avoid being emotional about my first time, also i always back down cuz when i feel it's not right - it's just not right. It's always what kind of a sex i want and not just sex.

Purely sexual moment are actually attractive to me from the distance but for me to work smth like that it has to be in a relationship with someone i would know i love in general. Than we can have purely sexual moments. But to be honest i always yearn for loving moments as that is how i feel towards my partner...so it can't be purely sexual even if i wanted it that way.
but i understand when u say you wated smth to work and u used sexuality for it. I get it completely - since it happens to me as well that i get completely lost sometimes in my sexual drive but when i mix it with feelings its much more better. So ill be honest - it seems like a sexual drive can give a person a lot of confusion with knowing how they really feel. But still - i stick to the point i do feel when it's right in the moment even if it seemed different from distance. And i damn will listen to that feeling and back off.
But it's also the truth that sexual experience is for me a way to say how much i care (through that i kinda can see how you projected feelings through sexual). And i need from other person to say it as well with caress and everything that comes with it. (That's why im totally cuddling person and see usually my partner as smth comfortable and soft :D)

In the end...i would just liek to say @Loyalgirl ...it's not very bad you are waiting - that's cool. But i do get your frustration. Goldaline had experience but you haven't and you see you want some. Trust you feelings - when the right guy shows up, you will have to know it at least for a bit - even if you never experienced that feeling before - you can recognize it, just liek you sometimes recognize the feelings of another person you haven't had yourself.
 
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I'm not really just tired of the sex aspect, but the whole not connecting on a deep level with a guy. I'm 27 and I've wanted a deep relationship since I was a teenager but it's never happened. I'm frustrated and I see no reason why I should believe it ever will. I'm also not willing to get intimate with a guy who doesn't want a deep connection. Meaning my idealism is going to keep me from ever having a real relationship. I wish I could compromise or something but there's just no way it would feel right doing it with someone I wasn't connecting with. I literally won't have sex or even kiss till there's a deep connection and I know that about myself and it scares me. I could literally be a 60 yr old virgin unless I get some stroke of luck and run into a deep guy. I don't like the idea of living alone and never having anything close to a family.

To make matters worse this forum has spoiled me! You are all so intelligent and idealistic and unique - I want a guy like that! But this forum is not the real world and it's not reality. You've raised my idealistic standard still further while I deal with guys who just want one night stands in my real life :/ Thanks a whole lot ppl :p

So anyway, I guess I'm just wondering what the hell I should do with myself. Unfortunately I have a very high sex drive and am not cool with the celibate life. I also have an illness that makes it hard to deal with stress - any kind, even being horny, actually especially being horny :/

Thoughts? Ideas? If you are in a similar situation how are you dealing with it?

I’m quite the opposite from you. I get along with most girls, and once I get to know them, each is very special in her own way. I doubt you’re more of an idealist than I am, so why hasn’t any guy been good enough for you?
 

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Somehow I don't think you should attend any sexaholic workshops... The whole being sexually frustrated whilst waiting for a good relationship seems very familiar to me. And yes, it can be very stressful and discouraging. I mean, after all, we are in our prime, if it were any other century we would have been married like ten years ago. But I'm glad you know what you want, I feel the same way. Sex won't make you feel any better unless there is love in it, and there simply aren't many people around who have what it takes for me to really be interested. I think you are doing the right thing, sticking to your values and trying to find some way for them to work out.

The only thing I can think of that might help, is to do whatever you can to improve your chances of meeting someone deep who you could fall for. Now granted I don't really know what you could do, I have the same problem myself. But whenever there is a cool event going on, like farmer's market, some kind of protest, used book store extravaganza, anything where interesting, extraordinary people might be found, make it your job to be there. For me, even if I don't meet anyone or get my hopes up, it feels good knowing I'm doing everything I can to make it work. That way I don't get down on myself for it not happening, then it's just the world I blame for not having cute idealists all over the place. I dunno, I don't really have any advice, but I do know what it feels like to be lonely and isolated. Seems like we have to hit the lottery to find someone we like who isn't already taken, and then they have to like us back ect. Also, take a hard look at the relationships your friends have, that you might be envious of, and ask yourself if you would even want that or how long it would last. If you don't regret NOT going out with anyone you've met in the last few years, well then, you can't blame yourself for being alone. It's just part of the waiting game, may the gods arrange hot NF dates for us this summer, and finally give us a chance to share our life and love, amen.
 

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Hi

All I can add to this is to NEVER EVER compromise on this! I was a virgin until I was married. I decided to remain a virgin LONG before I even knew my wife existed. She never did that and had plenty of sex. That has had its own issues in our marriage.

NEVER compromise on this. It is too big a deal to compromise on!
 

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I struggle with the same problem. It seems to me lately like everyday all I can think of is how I'm going to find a girl and fall in love, or hell even just sex at this point. I had a girlfriend for four whole years and I'm still a virgin. I'm sexually starved, and I'm sick of taking care of myself. Sorry if that's TMI but its true. What I'm trying to say is that I get you and I wanna encourage you to keep what you're doing. I'm so full of love to the point of being sick of myself, but I can't just turn off one of the things who make me who I am, the only thing I can do is let life take me where it may, whether its into someone's bed or into the hospital.

I have a friend who is a hardcore logical type personality, and doesn't want any romance at all. She actively seeks out booty calls, and let me tell you she isn't any better off than us. Sometimes she breaks down and locks herself away from the world and doesn't know why. I have a feeling its because she doesn't feel closely intimate with enough people, and I think she might know too, but I can't do anything but be there.

Sex must be nice though, but I guess having it doesn't equate to love like I know I would want.
 

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Sometimes we are our own worst enemies, cos even when someone suitable is there for us, we kind of overlook it, or had our eyes shut...
When I think back to some INFP who said indirectly at me, without criticising...(oh, how I wished they were more direct!).... I noticed that I acted different to those whom I DO like, than to those whom I do not like. This has messed up a lot of my chances with those whom I do like and cares for.... Definitely worth finding someone who is there for you, and love you as it should be.
 

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I have nothing of real value to contribute, OP, but you're basically a female version of myself in this respect, only a few years older. So at the very least, you're not alone. I deal with it by not thinking about it as much as possible, so in other words I'm not dealing with it at all. It sucks because I have experienced a select few very strong attractions, so it's possible I have unrealistic expectations. I am genuinely attracted to very few girls, though do find a fair number of girls attractive, and there is more than just a semantic difference there. I would much rather be with someone I connect with intellectually and emotionally, though, and would be willing to trivialise looks in order to accomplish this. However, I don't meet many people as it is, and I can count on one hand the number of people I have felt this way towards in years. Not only this, but they are always always always either attached to someone or otherwise unobtainable. It's like a divine comedy.
 

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Let me tell you, even though I am not a virgin I feel like I will never find my other half. You can lose your virginity with someone you deeply love but if that relationship doesn't work out you will feel the same as you were before: empty, hopeless and lonely. I though that being introverted was an obstacle for finding a boyfriend but now I realize that some extroverted people deal with this issue as well.

Don't get frustrated, you are not the only single female in the world even if it appears that everyone is happy in a relationship. Someone will appear in your life at the right time, and you will know if he is the one. Same goes for me.
 

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THIS!!!
that's a very good thing to say. I feel the same way mostly. But I'll be honest. When you said "the virginity is nto the big thing to me" i kinda thought "it's not really right thing to say as people are more vurnerable the first time and i think no one should have a bad first time with someone they dislike" but when i looked deep down i don't really think of it as smth sacred. Virginity itself no, every time has it's meaning eaqually. Also it is true it gets better with experience. But i couldn't avoid being emotional about my first time, also i always back down cuz when i feel it's not right - it's just not right. It's always what kind of a sex i want and not just sex.
i definitely don't think that you should proceed with sexual experiences that don't feel right! but sometimes... maybe the person is charming... maybe you just want to experience it physically and you set out to emotionally handle it, and have a one night stand... no guilt, no shame! that what i mean. saving yourself, or not, either way its respectable. i don't place a high meaning on virginity itself, i place a high meaning on loving, sensual, exclusive sex.

i dont mean to encourage anyone to be who they aren't, but you know.. sometimes you just gotta do things you know aren't necessarily good for you, to wrap your brain around it. maybe thats how i learn best, so i have a lot of battle scars :p but, in that context i meant that saving your body for loving sex is more important than any sort of virgin vows. still, i hope everyone does what their hearts tell them.
 

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remaining a virgin

a lifetime of anticipation,
I waited for the Great Feast!
a lifetime of discipline,
to spare my appetite
not to spoil it
On mere junk food!

As the big day came
The Menu was discussed -
In exquisite detail
I was told,
About all the dishes
Their tastes and flavours

Hungry as a roaring lion
I patiently waited at the door
Inside the hallowed hall
My feast was being set
Pure white linen
Virgin crockery
And golden cutlery awaited
At my seat of honour

With tremendous pomp
The doors swung open
The majestic hall
in candle lit beauty
beckoned and welcomed
my every step

The servants showed my throne
Where I sat down.
Gleaming lids covered my feast
With Candle light dancing on the polished gold

Hors d'ouvres first,
destroyed I was when I saw
That someone else
was here before

My wonderful roast
Already carved,
Huge chunks eaten
And dry bones left

Fresh green peas
Were rudely dug in
By filthy fingers
No manners for a spoon

Desert was half eaten
Ice cream left to melt
And of after dinner mints
Only a handful left

Thus then violated,
My beautiful feast!
Others snuck in
And ravaged my table

They left some crumbs
spoilt leftovers
As the Locusts went on
Without a care!

Now I sit hungry
Alone and forgotten
Staring in disbelief
At my desolate table

How I wish I had known,
Before I came in
That the menu was a lie
And someone else had been!

Elsewhere, I'd have gone and eaten
Or at least not starved myself
In anticipation for a feast
That the Locusts have eaten

A live cockroach, if I can catch
Sustains me barely
I fill my chipped cup
With tears of sadness

by Elenar
 

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@Loyalgirl
how is an intrinsic need considered idealistic?
you wanting a connection isn't idealistic. it's basic.

put yourself out there. you'll find what you want. don't expect perfection.
you'll found the perfect one for you, that does not mean they are perfect.

you're confusing "idealistic" with standards. you're dissatisfied with where you're at. change something. you know what it is. we don't know.

you have a high sex drive. what about masturbation? there are tons of fun sexual activities you can engage with yourself.
maybe with a girl. are you interested in women? use this time to find yourself sexually.

or try online dating. you're stressing over nothing. relax. don't stress. there's nothing to be had from stress. don't over worry yourself to death, and relax too. also realize you are attracted what you are or think you deserve.

and be proud of your loyalty. i love my women loyal. don't change that.
 
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You know what's funny. I actually go on the opposite trend of this.

I'm not waiting someone who I can connect with in order to have a sexual experience. What I'm waiting is for myself to be ready to have sex, and I just found out I'm afraid of it (By just found out, I say 3 months or so). I know I'm in my apex psychologically speaking, but keep avoiding getting into situations where there is a chance of having sex because of that.

I know I'm entretaining and am a good guy to get along. I have good looks and often notice catching some girls attention whenever I'm out in the street, and it's in a good way. But I just can't get myself into having sex. I feel like it's the last thing between who I am right now and who I ideally want to be.

I want to solve this problem, but forcing myself into sex just won't work.
 

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a lifetime of anticipation,
I waited for the Great Feast!
a lifetime of discipline,
to spare my appetite
not to spoil it
On mere junk food!

As the big day came
The Menu was discussed -
In exquisite detail
I was told,
About all the dishes
Their tastes and flavours

Hungry as a roaring lion
I patiently waited at the door
Inside the hallowed hall
My feast was being set
Pure white linen
Virgin crockery
And golden cutlery awaited
At my seat of honour

With tremendous pomp
The doors swung open
The majestic hall
in candle lit beauty
beckoned and welcomed
my every step

The servants showed my throne
Where I sat down.
Gleaming lids covered my feast
With Candle light dancing on the polished gold

Hors d'ouvres first,
destroyed I was when I saw
That someone else
was here before

My wonderful roast
Already carved,
Huge chunks eaten
And dry bones left

Fresh green peas
Were rudely dug in
By filthy fingers
No manners for a spoon

Desert was half eaten
Ice cream left to melt
And of after dinner mints
Only a handful left

Thus then violated,
My beautiful feast!
Others snuck in
And ravaged my table

They left some crumbs
spoilt leftovers
As the Locusts went on
Without a care!

Now I sit hungry
Alone and forgotten
Staring in disbelief
At my desolate table

How I wish I had known,
Before I came in
That the menu was a lie
And someone else had been!

Elsewhere, I'd have gone and eaten
Or at least not starved myself
In anticipation for a feast
That the Locusts have eaten

A live cockroach, if I can catch
Sustains me barely
I fill my chipped cup
With tears of sadness

by Elenar
I find it very sad that you can't derive the same satisfaction from making love to someone if you're not the first.
 
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