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Harmonious, balanced, kind, friendly, quiet, wants to please everybody, sees good in everything, always smiles, never shouts or argues, puts others needs above herself... What my friends and family think about me. I'm so tired of this!

Like yesterday, me and my friends were in my place and we were talking about something and I said something in a slightly more determined and defending way and they were just like "why do you speak so aggressively blah blah stop it blah blah" when I just had said that I thought differently about one thing. And they start the same EVERY SINGLE TIME I decide to defend something that's important to me, and that's not very often. And I don't mean I'd shout and thread them with a knife, my voice is just maybe a little bit colder and so... Some of my friends sound always more angry and aggressive, but no one has nothings to say to them, no.
And I DON'T want to please everybody, I just hate it when people are being judged or treated badly.
Is it that because I don't have a hot temper, I should always be like "yes, I know, you're always right in everything, you're perfect, just go ahead and shout to me I don't mind, I forgive you all, I'm so sorry about all the suffering I cost to you, decide all by yourself don't care about me, I'm happy with every single thing and everythings beautiful and nice"
I'm sorry I had to write this somewhere or I'd have exploded and died.
 

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@a piece of paper

wants to please everybody
stop.
sees good in everything
stop.
puts others needs above herself...
stop.

people-pleasers, never get to where they want to go. you can't please people successfully if you cannot please yourself. they presume minimizing their feelings, basic needs, and desires in hopes to achieve approval from others. their behavior backfires. they think this is the way to achieve harmony, inner satisfaction, and actualization. no. what you are doing is allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. people are selfish. there is no such thing as altruism. you are frustrated because you believed selflessness is the key to "happiness." you turned off the intrinsic tool, called ego, we all have it. you probably think being selfish is a bad thing. wrong. it's a good thing! take care of yourself first. no one will take care of you. this is why you experience what you are currently experiencing. is it getting you anywhere?

i am not suggesting you morph into a narcissistic sycophantic egomaniacal fruit - but if you wanted to do so, you're free to do so!
i am saying, you're behavior is indicative of passivity. it's not good. it reminds me of women and men who stay in abusive relationships, they lose the ability to take care of themselves, in their eyes, taking care of others first is justified. it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy of dissatisfaction, bitterness and hopelessness.

i am here to tell you that taking care of yourself, embracing selfishness is not a bad thing. we are born selfish. try it on for size. say no, you don't need to do anything for these people. you're not obligated to. if people don't like you for it? who cares! you're number one. you are your own best friend. nobody else can fulfill your basic needs, you can. to expect another being to do so is dramatically irrational. it's like those individuals that get into relationships because that other person will "make me happy." and they do not see the problematic pattern before their eyes - no one can make you happy. it's not their job to.. it's yours.

come to this realization and you'll see how freeing life really is. you are no longer bounded by trivial shit. good luck mate.
 

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@lightened Don't take offense from the previous posters, say what you wish of what you know, if you believe it will be of use to someone, or amusement for that matter ;)

If you feel stuck in a 'role', just leave it. Like snakes shed their skin, so do people change roles in life, if it feels to tight, create a new one.
 

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Harmonious, balanced, kind, friendly, quiet, wants to please everybody, sees good in everything, always smiles, never shouts or argues, puts others needs above herself... What my friends and family think about me. I'm so tired of this!

Like yesterday, me and my friends were in my place and we were talking about something and I said something in a slightly more determined and defending way and they were just like "why do you speak so aggressively blah blah stop it blah blah" when I just had said that I thought differently about one thing. And they start the same EVERY SINGLE TIME I decide to defend something that's important to me, and that's not very often. And I don't mean I'd shout and thread them with a knife, my voice is just maybe a little bit colder and so... Some of my friends sound always more angry and aggressive, but no one has nothings to say to them, no.
And I DON'T want to please everybody, I just hate it when people are being judged or treated badly.
Is it that because I don't have a hot temper, I should always be like "yes, I know, you're always right in everything, you're perfect, just go ahead and shout to me I don't mind, I forgive you all, I'm so sorry about all the suffering I cost to you, decide all by yourself don't care about me, I'm happy with every single thing and everythings beautiful and nice"
I'm sorry I had to write this somewhere or I'd have exploded and died.
Lol, this is a common issue amongst really kind people. When they finally get firm or state a firm opinion, everyone else loses their damn minds. It is definitely frustrating, but never be afraid to speak up for yourself. Also, I know that sometimes, people like us can have a tendency to want to let a lot of little things build up and then sort of have a miniature (or mass scale :p) explosion. My advice to you is to not let the little things build up. Don't stuff your feelings. Speak up about them. Of course, choose your battles... there are some things we are better off just letting go of, but if someone crosses a boundary or even just simply talks about a topic on which you have an opinion, speak up. Give yourself a voice! :) Your voice is important, too.
 

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@lightened Don't take offense from the previous posters, say what you wish of what you know, if you believe it will be of use to someone, or amusement for that matter ;)

If you feel stuck in a 'role', just leave it. Like snakes shed their skin, so do people change roles in life, if it feels to tight, create a new one.
none taken!

the op indirectly is begging to be advised. there wouldn't be a need to post a "vent" on an open forum if that were the case. and that's ok. they usually have available tools if the op was really needing to "vent" without receiving feedback or advice, they have journals, diaries, etc. it will definitely help the op. might not today, tomorrow, next month, but in the future it will be of use. i have an "INFP" mate, huge people pleaser. pleased that he adjusted himself around that as it got him nowhere. people pleasing is disengenuous, you're doing a major disservice to yourself. it's not fair.

you are definitely onto something about people changing, shifting roles. it's inevitable. if a method is not serving you, it just means you ought to tweak things up a bit.
 

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To the OP, every now and then I'll pull the rug out from under a friend or two and surprise them. Keeps 'em on their toes. Or heads. Or butts. They are trying to define your role in their lives... "we expect the following behaviors from you...."

Just be you, write your own script -- don't follow someone else's.
 

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To the OP, every now and then I'll pull the rug out from under a friend or two and surprise them. Keeps 'em on their toes. Or heads. Or butts. They are trying to define your role in their lives... "we expect the following behaviors from you...."

Just be you, write your own script -- don't follow someone else's.
Haha, yes! It can be incredibly amusing to pull off some unexpected stunt, just to see how people will react. I guess my inner child is in fact still alive and kickin'! ;)
 
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@lightened ,

OH GOD.

Half of what you're saying doesn't make sense.

I don't understand how on earth do you interpret from our responses to you that we're eager to hear your perspective.

*tears hair off*
I disagree. I think what Lightened said was written quite concisely and brutally honest. I think a lot of his thoughts are extremely accurate, just worded in a way that feels a bit harsh for us to digest....truth, nonetheless. It took me so many years of trying to please everyone around me and to realize that in general people take advantage of this type of generosity. It is part of who I am, so I can not change my natural instinct to put my needs last. I can however, pause before any major decision, step outside myself, and then ask myself a few questions before selecting a path or finalizing a decision. I personally don't find it "freeing", but I do find myself happier overall when I actually make sure my own needs are met... and THEN move on to meet the needs of others. Learning to prioritize and put yourself at the top of your own list is difficult to do, but so worth it in the end.

I have also learned to remove people from my life that largely have a negative presence. This is also something I never used to do. If a person in your life is unable to accept you as you are, always asking you to change yourself, disregards your needs and desires...then you need to set boundaries and protect yourself. Those that use you or attempt to mold and contort you into something that suits their needs but not your own, do not deserve a place in your life. I found it so hard removing people and not letting myself obsess over how it would effect THEM in the process....I wrestled with guilt over this. It was hard for me to stay rational in this process, but once you remove a person that is literally creating a disease in your life, it is so much easier to put things into perspective. It is only then that you can be true to yourself and remain healthy and in focus.
 

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Actually I totally agree with Lightened on this.
Yep me too, although he does have to understand just how sensitive us INFP's can be.. But in the end, truth hurts, right?

I almost feel really angry at how hypocritical people can be. They have the nerve to explode at the smallest sign of me standing up for myself, when they are probably the most irritable, argumentative people I know?! "Remove the log in your own eye before you dare remove the speck in your neighbour's".

Having said that, it is of course a good thing to get on with everyone.. we obviously don't want enemies?! :D And so far I have been extremely successful in not making enemies, but at what cost to myself? This is such a tricky question but I try my up most to always stay true to my own thoughts and beliefs, no matter how muddled and confused they may be....

^^ Eurgh, once again I fail to make one big, bold statement. My opinions always have to contain various sides of the argument so as to make everyone happy.. even make myself happy perhaps? Although then it just confuses my mind ever more.. there I go again! HELP!!! :S
 
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I agree with @lightened as well.

I relate with the OP but I experience this mostly at work. My supervisor is an ESFJ and she gets on my nerves all the time because she loves to control and manipulate me and she seems unaware how much I hate her when she does that. I respect her role as a supervisor but there are certain boundaries that need to be respected. Since I want to avoid conflict it is difficult for me to express my views and what I really feel. I pretend that everything is alright when is not, but my body language proves otherwise.

Sometimes I do express my disagreements to her but it makes me nervous because I think she is going to take it the wrong way, but is something that I have to do because as an employee I have my rights and she can't touch them.*

Not everybody is going to agree with you and you are never going to be liked by everyone.

There is a quote from Bill Cosby that I have always liked:


I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
 

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Yep me too, although he does have to understand just how sensitive us INFP's can be.. But in the end, truth hurts, right?

I almost feel really angry at how hypocritical people can be. They have the nerve to explode at the smallest sign of me standing up for myself, when they are probably the most irritable, argumentative people I know?! "Remove the log in your own eye before you dare remove the speck in your neighbour's".

Having said that, it is of course a good thing to get on with everyone.. we obviously don't want enemies?! :D And so far I have been extremely successful in not making enemies, but at what cost to myself? This is such a tricky question but I try my up most to always stay true to my own thoughts and beliefs, no matter how muddled and confused they may be....

^^ Eurgh, once again I fail to make one big, bold statement. My opinions always have to contain various sides of the argument so as to make everyone happy.. even make myself happy perhaps? Although then it just confuses my mind ever more.. there I go again! HELP!!! :S
i have to ask. what was hurtful about what i said? i have a hard time seeing how anything i said was hurtful. elaborate as best as you can. no, the truth does not always hurt.

i know you may be sensitive. i am sensitive in my own miniscule way.. but was my content really *that* harsh? i'm curious now.
 
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I agree with @lightened as well.

I relate with the OP but I experience this mostly at work. My supervisor is an ESFJ and she gets on my nerves all the time because she loves to control and manipulate me and she seems unaware how much I hate her when she does that. I respect her role as a supervisor but there are certain boundaries that need to be respected. Since I want to avoid conflict it is difficult for me to express my views and what I really feel. I pretend that everything is alright when is not, but my body language proves otherwise.

Sometimes I do express my disagreements to her but it makes me nervous because I think she is going to take it the wrong way, but is something that I have to do because as an employee I have my rights and she can't touch them.*

Not everybody is going to agree with you and you are never going to be liked by everyone.

There is a quote from Bill Cosby that I have always liked:


I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
anyone that manipulates you isn't all that aware nor do they seem concerned with how you feel. they want something out of you, they have to remove caring about you in order to achieve that.

Not everybody is going to agree with you and you are never going to be liked by everyone.
spot on.

i can see where you are coming from, when it comes to an authoritative figure. but if it relates to your principles, don't be afraid to stand up for it. personally, i would rather be burned, than to put aside my principles to appease another person, it's not a genuine effort, and if it isn't genuine in that context i might as well not be doing it at all.

when i was in high school, my teacher who i really believe to be a nf (no offense), we didn't see eye-to-eye, she took what i said too personally. it was never a reflection on her but back to the point, she offered that our class would get involved in an independent study worth 30% of our grade. it was to get involved with a charity. one thing that concerned me, was in the beginning upon watching what the charity stood for, she got emotionally invested right away. that worried me. i had to go home and research cause i had my doubts. turns out i was right to doubt, the charity is as sketchy as ever, they are frauds. and i didn't agree with their approach, basically supporting violence to achieve their primary goal. everyone in the class hoped on board ignorant to the truth behind the charity. i wasn't going to give up my principle for a grade, and to make this woman feel good about herself. it was wrong. i let her know. i expected her to give me an earful. she wasn't entirely happy, and she tried to manipulate me, it didn't work.. eventually she appreciated that i was determined to find the truth and stick to my principle. i visited her a month ago, and it turns out she regrets getting invested too quickly, she got scammed by the way. by this charity.

long story short, stick to your gunzzzzzzzzzz.
 

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i have to ask. what was hurtful about what i said? i have a hard time seeing how anything i said was hurtful. elaborate as best as you can. no, the truth does not always hurt.

i know you may be sensitive. i am sensitive in my own miniscule way.. but was my content really *that* harsh? i'm curious now.
No, I personally didn't take any offense at all, thought it was some very good, logical advice actually! Was just standing up for any INFPs who mayyy have found it slightly harsh.
 

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I think take some of the pressure of yourself. If you are angry, it is ok to be angry. Reclaim your right to be disliked, even, or misunderstood. If you're gonna be true to yourself and a real person, the fact is, peopel are different and our perceptions are limited, and they will not always understand, agree with, or like what you have to say. Our friends can sometimes not like us that much or say things you will turn over and over thinking "How could they tihnk that of me or the world?" Newsflash: it's unfair to expect our friends to be like us, which is the hidden implication. Even if someone opposes sometihng you did or think, that doesn't necessarily invalidate it. No one is an objective judge, though some are better than others; everyone sees things from their perspective.

I think you should start being your own judge.

That said, I understand what it's like to be torn between needing to be true to youreslf and also needing connections and love and feelign you have to be a certain way to get it. The best I can say is, once you let go, you may feel lonely for a while after stoppign trying to give people what they want, adn insecure, but the times when people come to you of their own free will for really being yourself will be given much more value... adn people tend to like people who are secure in themselves.

Just keep doing what you're doing and allow yourself to uninhibited by what you think people "want". They don't know what they want or who you are since those things are always changing!!
 

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No, I personally didn't take any offense at all, thought it was some very good, logical advice actually! Was just standing up for any INFPs who mayyy have found it slightly harsh.
ah gotcha!

hoping the infps that may have been offended, wouldn't mind carefully explaining what about my content may have hurt their feelings. infps make yourselves present pleaaaaase!
 

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It took an emotional breakdown for me to finally come to the realisation that I had to balance my own needs with anothers.
The issue was forced , otherwise I would have continued on in the old pleasing people patterns, so the breakdown
was the best thing that could have happened.

I feel free these days and have eliminated those people with whom I was in bondage. Ironically people seem to
like me more now that I have an air of freedom and security around me - they want this for themselves.
Therefore, you become more inspiring when you're more of your true self.

I take myself far less seriously, and have largely taken a playful approach to disagreements and conflicts.

Also, to lightening, I prefer the word SELFING and I disagree that we need to be selfish - it's more
a matter of balancing your own needs with others needs.
 

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lol
I actually liked what @lightened said.
which pisses me off. I keep running into you saying things I find accurate.
Stop it.
(just kidding lightened.)

I wish I could explain the subjective world of emotions to you in a way that would be accesesible to you and just unlock the second world to you. sigh. The questions you ask, I could only answer in vague metaphoric language. I wonder how close one can get to understanding something subjective through objective observation.
 
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