Personality Cafe banner
1 - 20 of 37 Posts

·
Registered
ISFP (ESI-Se)
Joined
·
735 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Intense question, I know.. I'm in quite the pickle.

I'm pregnant. At least I'm about 85% sure I'm pregnant. I haven't had my period in over 5 weeks and everything I'm experiencing matches up with being pregnant. I took a test a week ago and it was negative, but I chalk that up to it being too early in my cycle so that the pregnancy hormones were too low to be detected.

Now, I know everyone is going to tell me to just take another test, but it seems unnecessary right now. I mean, if my period shows up, GREAT, questions answered.. but for the time being I'm approaching this as if I need to make a decision.

A little about me.. I'm 20 years old and still just going through university. I'm just a part time student (I only take 3 courses a semester) and I don't think it would be a huge deal for me to drop down to 1 or 2 courses next year after I would have my baby. I am single (my choice) and I know the father doesn't want a child. I currently live with 2 guys in an apartment down town.

So basically, I can't decide if I should have an abortion or keep the baby. If I kept the baby I would probably have to move back in with my parents (I adore my folks) so I could save the rent money on stuff for my baby. I honestly think I could still finish university after having a child if I continue living at home and only taking a partial course load. I feel like the child would be added motivation to get it done so that I can make a decent future for the two of us.

I'm not sure why I want to keep the baby, the idea of having this thing growing inside of me and then having a darling little child seems wonderful. I already have a cat that I love endlessly, and I can only imagine how deep my love would be for my own child. I feel like I'm at a pretty good place mentally and emotionally, and that I could make a really good mother, giving my child really good morals and teaching them how to be truly happy. Just the idea of being able to give all my love to my potential child makes me really think about keeping him/her.

One of the biggest reasons I have been thinking about abortion is how my peers will react. I know that I am only 20 years old, and I will probably get a lot of stares and rude looks if I start walking around the hallways with a big pregnant belly. I don't plan on getting back together with the father, and I don't want to have to face people asking me how I could have a baby on my own. If I could move away to where no one knows me, I would definitely keep the baby, but the thought of facing everyone's judgments is so scary!

And the idea of telling my parents is scary as well. I have no idea how they will react, I am fairly sure they would let me move back home so that they could help me. But they could also be extremely angry and tell me to abort the baby.. I've always said that if I got pregnant I would have an abortion (as it often seems like the best logical choice), but now that I am actually in this position the decision is much harder then I acted like it was. This is deciding if someone lives or not!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
239 Posts
If you feel you can make a plan that will let you and the future child thrive (and no, this doesn't mean white picket fence, a BMW in the driveway and private school education), then by all means keep it. But if it's going to be an on going strain then I would say get an abortion. No child should grow up feeling responsible for their own and their parent's hardship. And while you might not ever mean to impart such, I've seen it happen time and again, often subtly and without conscious notice of the child or the parent.

I noticed that you didn't mention giving it up for adoption after being born. Any reason why? Not judging, every woman needs to make her own choices. I'm just curious what your thought process is.
 

·
Registered
ISFP (ESI-Se)
Joined
·
735 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
If you feel you can make a plan that will let you and the future child thrive (and no, this doesn't mean white picket fence, a BMW in the driveway and private school education), then by all means keep it. But if it's going to be an on going strain then I would say get an abortion. No child should grow up feeling responsible for their own and their parent's hardship. And while you might not ever mean to impart such, I've seen it happen time and again, often subtly and without conscious notice of the child or the parent.

I noticed that you didn't mention giving it up for adoption after being born. Any reason why? Not judging, every woman needs to make her own choices. I'm just curious what your thought process is.
After having a child develop inside of me, I have a very hard time imagining myself not attached to it. I mean, 9 months building a bond with your child.. I couldn't imagine being able to hand him/her over to someone else, realistically.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,180 Posts
Questions for you. Don't answer them here, just things for you to ponder while you make up your mind.

1) How will you financially support yourself and an infant?
2) Is there a Plan B if your parents refuse to support you?
3) Who will look after the baby while you're in class/work?
3a) If the baby will be in childcare, can you afford it?
3b) If the baby will be with family, can you rely on them to provide this support indefinitely? (Just an FYI, most family members really don't like being used as free babysitters on a long-term basis - you would need to discuss this at length with your support network)
4) What if the child is born with a disability/health condition that requires constant care?
5) What if it's a traumatic birth that leaves you with on-going health complications?
5) The baby is colicky, you haven't slept more than 2hrs a night for over a month. Do you still think you can handle those university classes?
6) How important is your social life to you? (It will almost completely disappear with a baby in the picture)
7) Have you ever spent any significant amount of time with an infant? Do you feel like you really know just how much work it is to care for a baby full-time? Are you prepared to feed a child every two hours, change their diapers even more often, listen to them scream for hours on end with no idea how to soothe them?

I'm not trying to push you one way or another with these questions. I just want to make sure you're not looking at this through rose-coloured glasses. It is NOT going to be rainbows and cuddles and kisses. It is going to be hard, exhausting, stressful work.

If you're prepared for that, great! I wish you good luck and all the best. If not, then you need to seriously think about what's best for you at this point in your life.

In the meantime, does your university have any counselling services? It might be a good idea to talk this over with someone face to face to sort out how you feel about it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,933 Posts
From what I've witnessed with other peers who have gone through college as a new single mother, they've been able to do it, but it seems to be at a cost of their career opportunities once they have graduated since they may not have gotten their foot in the door when they were about to graduate.

If you think that you are more than capable to raise a child, stay motivated enough to go to school and find a career afterwards, then keeping the child may be the best option. There are problems you are going to face regardless of what decision you make at this point, unfortunately, but that's life, and you'll be ahead of the curve in maturity.

If you don't think that you would be able to afford to raise a child on your own in terms of finances, emotional stability, time management, etc. then maybe abortion may be the better option. I hate to throw my opinion on these types of things, but there's perfectly valid arguments for whatever choice you make, so in the end it's the rational and personal choice of the person who holds the responsibilities.

Also, if you do decide to keep it, it isn't fair of you to raise it 100% on your own. It takes two to tango, and people who get busy in bed are usually aware of the risks taken and should be responsible for the consequences. You have to deal with the consequences, so should the father. But, then again, I only see that as the most fair option.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
816 Posts
One of the biggest reasons I have been thinking about abortion is how my peers will react. I know that I am only 20 years old, and I will probably get a lot of stares and rude looks if I start walking around the hallways with a big pregnant belly. I don't plan on getting back together with the father, and I don't want to have to face people asking me how I could have a baby on my own. If I could move away to where no one knows me, I would definitely keep the baby, but the thought of facing everyone's judgments is so scary!

And the idea of telling my parents is scary as well. I have no idea how they will react, I am fairly sure they would let me move back home so that they could help me. But they could also be extremely angry and tell me to abort the baby.. I've always said that if I got pregnant I would have an abortion (as it often seems like the best logical choice), but now that I am actually in this position the decision is much harder then I acted like it was. This is deciding if someone lives or not!
I'm staunchly pro-choice but this is not a reason for abortion that I have ever heard before. Even the possibility that you may lose all your friends and any social life pales in comparison to the legitimate reasons women have abortions.

I think you need to come back when you are 100% sure, and you've spoken to your parents. Or not at all, because this really isn't something you ask total strangers as we're not going to be the ones supporting you and any offspring. (Although I would urge every potential young, single mother to consider the points Jayde has outlined above.)
 

·
Grand Inquisitor
Joined
·
8,120 Posts
Don't get an abortion. Try visiting a crisis pregnancy center where you can get information about financial assistance and other resources that are available to help you raise a child. If you decide that you cannot keep the child, give it up for adoption. There is someone out there who would love to love your child if you are not in a situation where you think you can provide for them. But do not seek an abortion...I think I can already tell from what you've said so far that in your heart of hearts you know that you simply cannot do that.

And if you find out you aren't pregnant...I would say from now on avoid a lifestyle that would lead to the current situation you're in!
 

·
Registered
INTP 874 sx/sp VLEF melancholic
Joined
·
17,126 Posts
From what I've read, I don't think you can handle an abortion emotionally. I wouldn't do it.
 

·
MOTM May 2014
Joined
·
7,026 Posts
I agree with @Stelliferous; I think that you may regret an abortion for the rest of your life. I am pro-choice and am close to someone who had a couple of abortions when she was younger and now have kids. It seems to have worked very well for her BUT she never saw the potential positives the way you seem to do.

The peer judgement is something that I can understand, but we are judged all through life whatever we do, so this is an opportunity to get used to that. :) You will never be able to please everyone around you, so the best thing is to follow your heart. We don't all have to live the same life according to the same blueprint.

As a matter of fact, career wise it may better for you to have children early. Men and women generally get invited to join the executive office around the age of 40. For men with children this is often not a problem (many of them have stay-at-home wives anyway). For many women it is a huge problem due to a timing issue. Women with children tend to spend more time caring for the children than the fathers do, even if both of them have careers. This means that women in their forties are often very stressed out and not ready to take on a challenging assignment. When the women are ready to get back to career climbing in their 50s, the executive train has often left the station.

Another thing that can work to your advantage in being a mother is the fact that you are young. Yes, you have less experience, no income, not a degree, etc, but you have energy! Having a child is challenging, no matter what age you are. I am 40 and have two infants. Certain things would have been easier to deal with in my 20s and many things are easier now, thanks to my advanced age. It all balances out.

It seems that you have an advantage in that you have a loving and supportive family. Not only is that good for your potential child, but it may also indicate that you grew up to become a grounded and healthy person which is important - especially for a single parent.

And back to the 'peer judgement' thing - sometimes I feel like a dinosaur when I drop the kids off at daycare and I see that some of the other mothers are young enough to be my daughters. Oh well, that's life! :)
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
14,865 Posts
First step - docs appointment. There are other things that can stop a period, and you wanna be sure.
 

·
Meh.
ENTJ
Joined
·
8,165 Posts
^What she said. Make sure that you're sure.

I sincerely hope that you are going to make a decision based on what you feel is right, not on what is said here and not on what you think anyone else in your environment might think. Enlist a person close to you and confide in them; whatever choice you make, you will need support.

You may regret an abortion. You may regret not having an abortion. Fact is: You can't map this out and you can't predict how you will deal with either aborting or having the baby until after the fact. Don't make either decision based on fear. Make that decision based on believing it is the best way for you to deal with this.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
22 Posts
Hello, I mean no disrespect here, but have you done any research on abortion? I feel as though there are so many reasons not to get an abortion. Abortion Facts - Information on Abortion You Can Use This is a website that you should definitely read if you are still considering an abortion. It is always good to hear both sides of the argument, and you should in no way ignore the pro-life side. I suggest watching the silent scream video, which you can find easily by searching "silent scream" on google. It will be the first thing on the list (a link to a youtube video. It's about 30 minutes).

I understand that you feel like you will be too attached to the child to give him or her up for adoption, but have you greatly considered this option? I urge to to look into the possibility.

Do you really want to abort your baby? One of my very dear friends was almost aborted... It's insane for me to think that if his adoptive parents hadn't stepped forward, he wouldn't be alive today. He's very smart and funny, and I even dated him for a few months. The thought of him being aborted for the sake of convenience is... Indescribably awful. I mean, this is a life you're dealing with here. I don't think someone's life should be thrown away because you decided you just didn't want to deal with it.

You seem to quietly want this baby, and if you were to abort him or her, I'm sure you would think about your decision for the rest of your life. That, "what if" constantly nagging at you. If you cons are getting strange looks and having to face your parents, is abortion really something you're considering?

Once again, I truly mean no disrespect. But please do not abort this baby, if there really is a baby. There are plenty of parents who would gladly take the child off your hands, not to mention that you almost seem happy about being pregnant. You seem to want this baby. Please don't take his or her life.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,125 Posts
At least,if you still have contact info,get the dad to be's thoughts on if he has enough money for child support. As a guy,far be it for me to tell any woman what to do with her body,but,at the same time, realize you are a college student,you're young, there may be potential pregnancies down the road,but,you'll only have a limited window to get a university education. Once you get that university education,in theory, you'll be able to get a good job, and even if you have a kid on the job,the job will most likely offer daycare expense, and you may be able to go back for your Masters.


I feel for your tough decision, there may be emotional scars from an abortion,but, I agree with the women folk who have said get a solid financial base to raise said child,before you become a mother,because, that's what being pregnant starts the ball rolling on....the taking care of two people. After birth, you want to make sure you can still take care of two people.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Choice and chwoey

·
Registered
Joined
·
175 Posts
Abort

It may be in your instincts right now to think of various reasons to keep the child, and there may be people out there who will for whatever dogmatic motivation tell you otherwise but there is only one right answer right now.

Abort it, its not just about not being the best time for you, but your child will be fatherless, raised by a mother who is still not entirely independent herself muchless a provider, and you may even grow to resent your child.

Parenting isn't some hobby you take up part time, or a pet animal, it is a living human being with legal rights and responsibilities that you will have to shoulder for the next 18 years, that is almost as long as you have been alive on this earth.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
325 Posts
1. If you can't see yourself being able to give your baby away for adoption, I don't see how you are going to be able to abort it.

2. The potential father has a right to know, and a right to see his child should there be one. He also is required to help support it. And he will be in your life whether you like it or not, if you have a child together.

3. Even if it takes you five or six years to finish university taking courses part time, you'll be ready for work about the time your child will start school. That's perfect timing. The idea that finishing university must be done within a certain window of time is nonsense. It's better to have kids when you are young, so you have time to focus on your career when the kids are at school.

4. People will judge, and they will talk. But probably not to your face, and everyone will be over it soon enough. Your parents may be angry, but they'll be happy to be grandparents.

5. The university probably has a day care center. And the government is full of free money for single young mothers who want to finish their education.

6. I read some of your posts before... if you want to be a mother, you are going to have to seriously change your lifestyle.
 

·
Maid of Time
549 sx/sp
Joined
·
14,749 Posts
Hello, I mean no disrespect here, but have you done any research on abortion? I feel as though there are so many reasons not to get an abortion. Abortion Facts - Information on Abortion You Can Use This is a website that you should definitely read if you are still considering an abortion. It is always good to hear both sides of the argument, and you should in no way ignore the pro-life side. I suggest watching the silent scream video, which you can find easily by searching "silent scream" on google. It will be the first thing on the list (a link to a youtube video. It's about 30 minutes).

I understand that you feel like you will be too attached to the child to give him or her up for adoption, but have you greatly considered this option? I urge to to look into the possibility.

Do you really want to abort your baby? One of my very dear friends was almost aborted... It's insane for me to think that if his adoptive parents hadn't stepped forward, he wouldn't be alive today. He's very smart and funny, and I even dated him for a few months. The thought of him being aborted for the sake of convenience is... Indescribably awful. I mean, this is a life you're dealing with here. I don't think someone's life should be thrown away because you decided you just didn't want to deal with it.

You seem to quietly want this baby, and if you were to abort him or her, I'm sure you would think about your decision for the rest of your life. That, "what if" constantly nagging at you. If you cons are getting strange looks and having to face your parents, is abortion really something you're considering?

Once again, I truly mean no disrespect. But please do not abort this baby, if there really is a baby. There are plenty of parents who would gladly take the child off your hands, not to mention that you almost seem happy about being pregnant. You seem to want this baby. Please don't take his or her life.
While I also think she needs to look at all sides of the issue once she has confirmed her pregnancy (which she should do before getting too caught up in the exhausting work of making this decision), because abortion is no trivial matter, the tone and angle of this post just comes off as you using her plea for advice as an opportunity to promote your own personal ideology here. In that sense, it is actually very disrespectful.
 
  • Like
Reactions: killerB

·
Maid of Time
549 sx/sp
Joined
·
14,749 Posts
Hello, I mean no disrespect here, but have you done any research on abortion? I feel as though there are so many reasons not to get an abortion. Abortion Facts - Information on Abortion You Can Use This is a website that you should definitely read if you are still considering an abortion. It is always good to hear both sides of the argument, and you should in no way ignore the pro-life side. I suggest watching the silent scream video, which you can find easily by searching "silent scream" on google. It will be the first thing on the list (a link to a youtube video. It's about 30 minutes).

I understand that you feel like you will be too attached to the child to give him or her up for adoption, but have you greatly considered this option? I urge to to look into the possibility.

Do you really want to abort your baby? One of my very dear friends was almost aborted... It's insane for me to think that if his adoptive parents hadn't stepped forward, he wouldn't be alive today. He's very smart and funny, and I even dated him for a few months. The thought of him being aborted for the sake of convenience is... Indescribably awful. I mean, this is a life you're dealing with here. I don't think someone's life should be thrown away because you decided you just didn't want to deal with it.

You seem to quietly want this baby, and if you were to abort him or her, I'm sure you would think about your decision for the rest of your life. That, "what if" constantly nagging at you. If you cons are getting strange looks and having to face your parents, is abortion really something you're considering?

Once again, I truly mean no disrespect. But please do not abort this baby, if there really is a baby. There are plenty of parents who would gladly take the child off your hands, not to mention that you almost seem happy about being pregnant. You seem to want this baby. Please don't take his or her life.
While I also think she needs to look at all sides of the issue once she has confirmed her pregnancy (which she should do before getting too caught up in the exhausting work of making this decision), because abortion is no trivial matter, the tone and angle of this post just comes off as you using her plea for advice as an opportunity to promote your own personal ideology here. In that sense, it is actually very disrespectful. But yours isn't the only post that way.

I think the most helpful posts have been the ones that actually seem to take her actual life and situation into account and provide feedback based on that, versus the generic "I believe this, so do it / don't do it," sort.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,795 Posts
My personal opinion is don't abort, most everyone I've known that has done so has regretted it. It is possible to give it up for adoption with the caveat that you are able to see them on occasion if you really don't think you can handle it. Having children is a sacrifice but I've yet to hear one of my friends say that they regret going through with it.
 
1 - 20 of 37 Posts
Top