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I'm bored, all the time.

That pesky "something" in my peripheral I never hoped to catch: I'm bored out of my mind.

Yeah, I have "dreams." I have things I think and do and work, work, work toward, but I'm always thinking: when? When will it move me? When will it satisfy me to the point I'm like "Yes! I want to work for it!"? When will anything feel worthy of effort? Not just an effort, the effort: the effort to continue searching, seeking, pushing, thinking. Breathing is automatic.

I'm unhappy because I'm still or ungrateful: I hope it's the first. I hope a life's not just about acceptance, but worth the work. We're here for a reason, right? But I don't know mine. But then again, does anybody?

How do people work blind? Where do they get their drive? Where do they find the will to do more with there time than just aimlessly waste on distraction upon distraction? It's so easy when you don't "have to." I could waste an eternity with the thought: "do whatever, it's up to you."

When it's up to me, I do nothing. Meanwhile, I'm doing something; but it's something I don't want. Do I really want to just watch videos all day? Or masturbate? Or go out somewhere for something just to sit on my shelf? It's misery; an instant smile with instant empty. Nothing... lingers.

The bathroom wall shows me my face and it shows me myself: a film thicker than the scum on my mirror glossed over my expression. It's the only thing that lasts; I call it hopelessness.
 

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First off, you’re a good writer. I find your post very beautifully written!

I can really relate to this feeling. It’s hard to sleep at night sometimes knowing there is nothing driving me forward. Especially on breaks when there is all this time to strive for these dreams...but no real effort seems to pour forth. And it feels so frustrating.

I keep thinking I’ll stumble across something powerful and emotionally intense enough to set me into motion. But so far there’s nothing. So then I try to change the expectation. I tell myself that I need to make something my passion. So then come the string of all the times I’ve taken up responsibilities, leadership roles, commitments, everything just to give myself some sort of purpose and it unfortunately doesn’t do it. It leaves me feeling stressed and like I’m turning myself into something or someone I’m not.

Day after day after day and I’m still doing nothing and in doing nothing I feel like nothing...and it’s so discouraging. I think I have a hard time believing a day is 24 hours long when it just slips through my hands like water. I see people around me seeming to easily take action toward their goals and I’m stuck here running around in circles every day somehow feeling busy from all the trivial things I fill my time up with and yet never really getting anything done in the end.

I wish I had some advice or something of the sort to help you get out of it, but I haven’t a clue.
:hugs:
 

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Discussion Starter #4
First off, you’re a good writer. I find your post very beautifully written!

I can really relate to this feeling. It’s hard to sleep at night sometimes knowing there is nothing driving me forward. Especially on breaks when there is all this time to strive for these dreams...but no real effort seems to pour forth. And it feels so frustrating.

I keep thinking I’ll stumble across something powerful and emotionally intense enough to set me into motion. But so far there’s nothing. So then I try to change the expectation. I tell myself that I need to make something my passion. So then come the string of all the times I’ve taken up responsibilities, leadership roles, commitments, everything just to give myself some sort of purpose and it unfortunately doesn’t do it. It leaves me feeling stressed and like I’m turning myself into something or someone I’m not.

Day after day after day and I’m still doing nothing and in doing nothing I feel like nothing...and it’s so discouraging. I think I have a hard time believing a day is 24 hours long when it just slips through my hands like water. I see people around me seeming to easily take action toward their goals and I’m stuck here running around in circles every day somehow feeling busy from all the trivial things I fill my time up with and yet never really getting anything done in the end.

I wish I had some advice or something of the sort to help you get out of it, but I haven’t a clue.
:hugs:
I love you (platonically haha). What you said was more than enough... Sometimes, it's just nice to know someone else is out there with similar on-goings. Plus, it's REALLY nice not talking to the void all the time. Thanks for the encouragement :).
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Start creating something, I say.

Cooking, crafting, drawing, writing, coding, etc, or any combination of them.

Have a try.
Thanks, really helpful, though also terrifying haha.

Creation is the inevitable solution I've been avoiding, but I should at least start small despite fears and doubt.
 

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@courageous_soul

I hope you are doing better, as a few days passed since you posted. If so, I hate to revive the thread, but it's one of those emotion-charged posts where I cannot neglect because I live in the same world as you.

I hate boredom. Mine never fails to be followed by extreme loneliness and sadness. After so many rounds of it and accepting the fact that I cannot escape from it completely, I thought about it for a long time why I felt this way more than others. I've told myself in the past that I lack what people have--basic human qualities. I feel broken because I am broken. People are so driven to live 100+ years because they have something I did not have. And loops continue.

However, it's not. It sounds like one of those phrases to get one out of a loop, but it really isn't because of that reason. Emotionally intense bunch are just hyper-aware of their emotional state and are willing to sit in that feeling for hours and days. Other seem driven because they talk about what they did and relive the same memory over and over because they are so afraid of stagnancy that they reject they have it. They hate negative emotions so much that they neglect it.

We aren't comfortable with those emotions either. I hate them. But I've realized I sit in them when I am tired. I use up all of the positive feelings when I am around others, and when I am tired, I am just left with that emptiness. However, I don't have the energy to find a longer-lasting happiness. I turn to short-lived, soma-like highs.

Life sucks because it is so easy to be born, but so difficult to live. Everyone is struggling in their own narrative. Happiness seem short because we want more of it, sadness seems to last forever because we don't want it. Drive is what you make of it and life is what you make of it, but it does not mean it's easy. Inspiration is short-lived and rest is your will-power. I am not saying you need to be more productive--the opposite actually. I am saying there is nothing wrong with you. I am saying everything just... is. And even though life is annoying and life is hard, it's not difficult in the way you think. Nothing is absolute, nothing is the "answer." There isn't anything that will rescue you from boredom. There are moments that will allow you to forget. We are just... us. We struggle together and we are trying to forget together. Add those moments together. That was the only method I've found.

I don't know. I've found everything is momentary. Nothing lasts--positive or negative. We are just navigating through this world. So, when it is here, I try to welcome it. When it leaves, I let it go. It's a difficult thing to do, but that's what I try to do.

Just curious, but why were you avoiding creation? To me, that is the only solution to grasp any intensity. After it, I am back to reality. I don't know. To me, art is the only world that makes emotional sense. Coming back to reality after it can be difficult, because that lack of intensity feels like whiplash to me and that boredom is exaggerated, but whenever that intensity or inspiration comes, art is the only tool that can handle me. People cannot understand me. I create, process, and then translate into human language.
 

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@courageous_soul

I hope you are doing better, as a few days passed since you posted. If so, I hate to revive the thread, but it's one of those emotion-charged posts where I cannot neglect because I live in the same world as you.

I hate boredom. Mine never fails to be followed by extreme loneliness and sadness. After so many rounds of it and accepting the fact that I cannot escape from it completely, I thought about it for a long time why I felt this way more than others. I've told myself in the past that I lack what people have--basic human qualities. I feel broken because I am broken. People are so driven to live 100+ years because they have something I did not have. And loops continue.

However, it's not. It sounds like one of those phrases to get one out of a loop, but it really isn't because of that reason. Emotionally intense bunch are just hyper-aware of their emotional state and are willing to sit in that feeling for hours and days. Other seem driven because they talk about what they did and relive the same memory over and over because they are so afraid of stagnancy that they reject they have it. They hate negative emotions so much that they neglect it.

We aren't comfortable with those emotions either. I hate them. But I've realized I sit in them when I am tired. I use up all of the positive feelings when I am around others, and when I am tired, I am just left with that emptiness. However, I don't have the energy to find a longer-lasting happiness. I turn to short-lived, soma-like highs.

Life sucks because it is so easy to be born, but so difficult to live. Everyone is struggling in their own narrative. Happiness seem short because we want more of it, sadness seems to last forever because we don't want it. Drive is what you make of it and life is what you make of it, but it does not mean it's easy. Inspiration is short-lived and rest is your will-power. I am not saying you need to be more productive--the opposite actually. I am saying there is nothing wrong with you. I am saying everything just... is. And even though life is annoying and life is hard, it's not difficult in the way you think. Nothing is absolute, nothing is the "answer." There isn't anything that will rescue you from boredom. There are moments that will allow you to forget. We are just... us. We struggle together and we are trying to forget together. Add those moments together. That was the only method I've found.

I don't know. I've found everything is momentary. Nothing lasts--positive or negative. We are just navigating through this world. So, when it is here, I try to welcome it. When it leaves, I let it go. It's a difficult thing to do, but that's what I try to do.

Just curious, but why were you avoiding creation? To me, that is the only solution to grasp any intensity. After it, I am back to reality. I don't know. To me, art is the only world that makes emotional sense. Coming back to reality after it can be difficult, because that lack of intensity feels like whiplash to me and that boredom is exaggerated, but whenever that intensity or inspiration comes, art is the only tool that can handle me. People cannot understand me. I create, process, and then translate into human language.
I need to save several of these sentences because they are truth and truly uplifting :). You are truly quotable.

You're absolutely right: it just is. It's so simple and that hard to grasp.
I also think you're right that I'm not doing anything wrong (even though that's exceedingly hard for me to believe). There's a strange balance that life presents: we can and should do things for progression, yet so much of it is out of our control. I can't will myself to be happy all the time, I can't will myself to never feel restless or bored again. I can't "fix" my life because most of it just is... It's more like I need to accept this as a reality.

I avoid creation because it evokes anxiety even though it shouldn't haha. I want to write more and pursue stories, but I'm always so hard on myself... I think this idea of acceptance though could really help me so I'm not allowed to tell myself "what you do is never enough." I should really just start slow, and listen to myself.

Thank you again for this post... Many of these affirmations are what I needed and still need.
 
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