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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Other people disclosing their own personal information or feelings ...Especially after a short time of knowing you.

I really hate this. Perhaps it's because I'm so private; when someone else draws attention to themselves, especially when it's entirely emotional, I just see it as whiny and immature. It's like those people that post on Facebook that they're "Oh so depressed." It's only because they *want* everyone to come comfort them. I can't stand it.

When people say it in person, I really don't know how to react. "By the way, I was in the hospital for trying to commit suicide." What do you want from me? I usually can't even reply to that.

Am I being insensitive? Should they be honored for being "brave enough to be open about it?" Or are these people just emotional attention-whores?
 

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i will share personal information if i have a connection with someone.

Say i meet a person, we instantly feel comfortable, conversation is easy, interests in common, experiences in common, etc. I'll be more likely to talk about more personal things within a few weeks or months.

Any other circumstance, i wouldn't really talk to people. I rarely ever want consolation. Im' embarrassed to share emotions, so even if i share a past experience that was traumatic,i'll try to leave ever ounce of emotions out of it.

I'm also uncomfortable when other people open up. I don't know what to do or say. I feel like I have nothing to offer them, because there's nothing I can fix or advise. I've learned how to show empathy, but it's often just a surface level unless I know them well.

I do have a lot of curiosity about people, so I like to hear their stories, but usually I want to hear them in a group so that the others in the group can show empathy while I simply observe.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I'd like to add that I have nothing against people opening up to me - I value and respect it. (Though don't expect me to offer a lot of sympathy...) It's when it happens so soon after meeting someone. Like @Khys, I leave emotions out as much as possible. But people like this will find any excuse to slide their "horrible emotional traumas" into any and every conversation. It seems fake to me, as though they're disclosing this information solely for the shock value and attention.
 

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The ENFJ I dated was like this every time we spoke. I don't think I responded to her liking. Being me, I gave her a list of possible solutions when she was done rambling.

Fuck it, that's how I deal with my problems. I stop bitching and fix them.
 

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I once had to hug a crying girl to console her, and the entire time, I wanted to run away as fast as I could. The emotional overload is hard. It's worse when someone refuses to deal with the problem at hand and wants to bitch about it instead of finding a solution. I'm a great problem solver, but I don't tolerate self-pity.
 

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Sometimes people are really struggling with something, it's been dominating their mind, and by offering out their problem to others it frees them and brings forth new perspective so that they can fix themselves.

That being said, there are a shit ton of people who have made it a habit of complaining all the time for sympathy and the second you offer advice they get all defensive. Fuck them.

I guess it depends on the situation and the person.
 

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I get a serious kick out of helping people. If they open up (and by that I mean really open up, not just whinge), to me it is the ultimate compliment, as it shows they respect my opinion and trust me to keep it quiet. Once people have opened up to me once, they tend to do it again, because they know I will give simple, practical, and (best of all) easy to put into practise advice, most of which has come from personal experiance or repeated observation. This doesn't mean people come running to me with every single problem they have, because they know my answer will be "This is something you'll have to sort out yourself", but there are a few people who do come to me, and I would not begrude them that.
I guess I do kind of treat them as a project or experiment, and that is why I get excited about it. If you can think of it like that then do it.

As for depression and attempted suicide, please don't dismiss them out of hand. Some people will be trying to get attention, but you can tell who those are in about 5 minutes. Even within those just wanting attention they can actually have genuine depression, so don't rule them completely out. Others however won't want attention, they won't want people rushing over to go "Oh no, are you okay? Is there anything I can do?". What most of them want is for someone to understand, keep an eye on them, but behave no differently, so that when they are ready to talk there is someone there. If you're not that person then they have made a lapse in judgement, so try to gently guide them to a person better suited.
 

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It's fairly simple, some people need social interaction and emotional support more than you do. It's hard to understand, but sooner or later you'll have to realize that not everyone is like you and some people openly seek help with their problems, or they just want input to make sure what they're going through is normal. When someone says " I was in the hospital because I tried to commit suicide." They want you to ask why and how they're doing. You should start making an effort to care about other people, the sooner the better.

I see threads in the ISTP forum that go something like this

ISTP: I don't care.
Translation: I don't care.
Random person: What do you mean?

I know it's frustrating when someone can't seem to understand a logical answer but in retrospect it must be equally frustrating for others when we can't understand emotion for shit. So while feelings are hard to understand, especially the feelings of others staying open minded could help and benefit you more than you think.
 

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Yes, some people emote solely for attention. I ignore them. People who do that aren't likely going to become my friend, so I avoid them. Generally I filter people's emotions through Se, so I take their emoting as it is.

@Nickel , I see your discomfort as inferior Fe rising up: Fe tells you that you should respond, but because we kinda suck at responding to emotions, you don't want to. As such, you want to get rid of the object that is causing you to feel uncomfortable/annoyed (the person and their expressed emotions).

I think it's important to accept the fact that it's OK to not have a response. I don't always have a reply, and I'm comfortable with that. If someone doesn't like my lack of response, then they shouldn't be talking to me.

When my friends emote, the majority of the time I don't do anything about it except be there physically for them to talk at. Of course, it takes patience (sometimes more than others) when they become whiny and I see the flaw in their perspective, but depending on the situation, I've learned do one or more of the following

-- ask them probing questions to try to steer them toward finding the root of their problem
-- offer my perspective on their problem and then say "this is just what I think, but in the end, this is something you have to figure out/decide for yourself."
-- take the emotional drain as a hit and just listen
-- tell them to talk to someone else
 

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I have a lot of people come to me with their problems too. I have a theory that it's because we don't go to others with our problems that people come to us for advice or help. Maybe they think we have it all together?

I totally get where you're coming from though @Nickel. Really, if I've just met someone I couldn't care less about their personal problems. I have enough of my own to deal with.
 
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Maybe they think we have it all together?
Nah, mine know what I've been through, and how tenuous my grip on it all is. I think its more to do with an objective viewpoint as opposed to useless platitudes such as "you'll get through it", "its not that bad", or my personal favourite "just focus on the positives". Lets face it, when the first thing someone says is "Yeah, you're pretty much fucked right now. Well lets start by..." people know there's actually a plan in there somewhere, which is way better than general cheery statements.
 
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Some people handle their personal problems by sharing them. They're looking for someone to listen while they sort these things out openly, while Ti prefers to handle such things internally. It's not about the person wanting to get "fixed," it's about wanting to share and have the value of their feelings affirmed.

As @Aquc said, a lot of people offer platitudes like "it's not that bad," but these are not affirming statements, they're dismissive. People look for empathy. There's no reason to fake that if you don't really feel it, though. I don't see the benefit in having someone think you care when you don't.
 

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I try to do the whole supportive thing, but I only ever want to do it when the person is truly having a hard time, which is noticeably different from when they're being whiny and most of the time people will whine for hours if you let them
 

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I think part of what makes me like this forum, and the people here who have opened up, is that I feel like I have a cushion here. Because it's understood that I lead with Ti, I don't have so much fear that i'll be seen as cold or uncaring
 

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I don't think that's purely an ISTP thing. Sometimes, because I'm a good listener and have such an "approachable face" (seriously, what does that even mean? Do I have "INFP" stamped on my forehead?), people tend to lay out all of their problems on me. And yes, it does make me uncomfortable sometimes; however, as a few people previously said, some people just lay it all out there on the first person to show them the slightest bit of compassion. I know I'm like that sometimes myself, so I try and do my best to outwardly show empathy (I always feel it, but I always turn it inwards and let it overwhelm me. Curse of the INFP.)

I'm also one of those people who needs to talk things out so I can rationalize them, so perhaps an ISTP would be of excellent help in such situations. Get an INFP out of their heads etc.

But truth be told, the human race in general isn't all too comfortable with sharing emotions. The greatest lie told every day is in response to "How are you?"
 

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Actually, if I may be so bold as to post twice in a row, one of the first things that made me realize Fella might be an ISTP is how we handled an acquaintance/classmate of his nonchalantly dropping the bomb that she had tried to kill herself the night before by crashing her motorcycle at 80 mph. This factoid was inserted into other inane conversation...so much so that even I sort of missed it, and Fella stopped her midsentence about whatever else she was talking about and got her to clarify what we thought we had just heard. She acted like it was no bd which disturbed me because I've been there. I never told people when I was suicidal, but it's time to worry when people show no emotion over killing themselves (and miraculously surviving.)

Was I uncomfortable? Uh, yeah. I was only on my second not-date date with Fella and had never met this woman before in my life. I was undoubtedly uncomfortable. But Fella gets up and is like yeah we gotta go, this is a little odd, but I gave him the Wtf-are-you-doing-we-cant-just-leave-after-she-just-said-that Look. And reassured him that it was okay. Tbh, I think he was a little embarrassed that this "friend" he had only just introduced me to would say such a thing.

We talked about it at length the next time he came over to my house, and I was struck by just how callous he came off. He basically said she had more than a few screws loose and that she was just really fucked up. He apparently doesn't have respect for her because she has lived a really privileged life, doesn't have anything to complain about, etc. And that is where the difference between us really came through. Because he only saw what was in front of him, what he knew. I saw what was likely behind closed doors, and my knowledge of depression tells me some people don't need a "reason" to be depressed; it genuinely can be chemically-induced. So I basically said this. I admitted I don't know her as well as he does obviously, but that he should consider being slightly more understanding, if not perhaps accepting.

He got quiet, but he sort of cocked his head and smiled, so whatever. I'm taking that as a "You're weird, but I like you and concede that you may perhaps have a point."
 

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I don't understand how people can be dismissive of something like that. I may handle it as if it was an everyday thing, but that is quite serious. Maybe its because I've been there, but I would not be able to just drop it.
 

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Actually, if I may be so bold as to post twice in a row, one of the first things that made me realize Fella might be an ISTP is how we handled an acquaintance/classmate of his nonchalantly dropping the bomb that she had tried to kill herself the night before by crashing her motorcycle at 80 mph. This factoid was inserted into other inane conversation...so much so that even I sort of missed it, and Fella stopped her midsentence about whatever else she was talking about and got her to clarify what we thought we had just heard. She acted like it was no bd which disturbed me because I've been there. I never told people when I was suicidal, but it's time to worry when people show no emotion over killing themselves (and miraculously surviving.)

Was I uncomfortable? Uh, yeah. I was only on my second not-date date with Fella and had never met this woman before in my life. I was undoubtedly uncomfortable. But Fella gets up and is like yeah we gotta go, this is a little odd, but I gave him the Wtf-are-you-doing-we-cant-just-leave-after-she-just-said-that Look. And reassured him that it was okay. Tbh, I think he was a little embarrassed that this "friend" he had only just introduced me to would say such a thing.

We talked about it at length the next time he came over to my house, and I was struck by just how callous he came off. He basically said she had more than a few screws loose and that she was just really fucked up. He apparently doesn't have respect for her because she has lived a really privileged life, doesn't have anything to complain about, etc. And that is where the difference between us really came through. Because he only saw what was in front of him, what he knew. I saw what was likely behind closed doors, and my knowledge of depression tells me some people don't need a "reason" to be depressed; it genuinely can be chemically-induced. So I basically said this. I admitted I don't know her as well as he does obviously, but that he should consider being slightly more understanding, if not perhaps accepting.

He got quiet, but he sort of cocked his head and smiled, so whatever. I'm taking that as a "You're weird, but I like you and concede that you may perhaps have a point."

That's kinda weird. Even if you're uncomfortable, it's kinda awful to just say "they have a few screws loose" just because they mentioned suicidal thoughts. You can't judge if you haven't been there.
 

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That's kinda weird. Even if you're uncomfortable, it's kinda awful to just say "they have a few screws loose" just because they mentioned suicidal thoughts. You can't judge if you haven't been there.
That's how I felt, as well, but I've seen him be genuinely caring and kind to other people, so I didn't take it as some sort of sociopathic Ice Man indication. Rather, I think it's as you said. He just hasn't been there perhaps.
 
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