Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 36 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
To every woman it's a different thing. I've never said it to any man. But I've heard it usually means that they're not attracted to a man for several reasons. It can be he is too sensitive, too weak, too feminine, too caring and so on. It doesn't make sense in general but some women don't like these traits and are maybe into bad guys, macho men etc.
 

·
Registered
ENTJ 3w2-5w6-9w8 so/sp
Joined
·
1,183 Posts
I would say that "too nice" with a negative connotation often means "I can't see you as an equal, because you put me on a pedestal too much". Sure, it's "nice" if someone tries to always look out for you first and read every desire from your eyes, but it's also really concerning for several reasons:

1. We all need to be focused on self-preservation for some part and a person who always puts someone else first isn't necessarily someone that screams "I can be trusted to take care of myself and my own wellbeing"
2. Most people are not willing and able to give that much back to another person, so always being put first can cause feelings of guilt.
3. It feels like you are dealing with an overbearing parent rather than another adult. (If the other people is looking out for your wellbeing a lot)
4. It can invade one's privacy. (Sure, it's "nice" that someone cares about you enough to want to listen to all your problems and help you fix them, but in a lot of situations, we just don't want that help)
5. It can create an unhealthy dependence and can often come with clingyness.

So in general, I'd draw the line for "too nice" at the point where the person is either repeatedly going out of his way, maybe disadvantaging himself, to be of service to a girl or consistently offering help in a way that is intrusive to her privacy or autonomy.
Of course, that is the rather unhealthy description of "so nice that it's harmful already" and some girl might use "too nice" just for someone that it not their type. In that case, I'd say that it's just preference, but it would maybe be good to take a look inside yourself, how far from the "harmfully too nice" line you are.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
157 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
To every woman it's a different thing. I've never said it to any man. But I've heard it usually means that they're not attracted to a man for several reasons. It can be he is too sensitive, too weak, too feminine, too caring and so on. It doesn't make sense in general but some women don't like these traits and are maybe into bad guys, macho men etc.
Makes sense that they might consider a man weak feminine etc.
 

·
Beer Guardian
ENTP 5w6 So/Sx 584 ILE Honorary INTJ
Joined
·
15,486 Posts
Women have said this a lot to men that their too nice, not to me though. What is too nice.
Definition: "I don't want to be mean, but I'm not interested in you whatsoever. Welcome to the friend zone. You check out any time you like, but you can never leave."
 
  • Like
Reactions: Ock

·
Beer Guardian
ENTP 5w6 So/Sx 584 ILE Honorary INTJ
Joined
·
15,486 Posts
Interesting way of putting it rather than saying we’re just friends you’re too nice.
That's the connotative meaning when a woman says to a man: "Let's be friends because you're just too nice."

Happened to me once. I really liked this woman I met at college. She was fun. Apparently, I was too nice to her.

This woman actually didn't know how to react to a man treating her good. Her last boyfriend beat her up, cheated on her, stole her car, and spent her money.

A shit covered brick would have been nicer than that asshat. I heard she dropped out of college and went back to him. I guess she liked the idea of being someones punching bag, so bullet dodged.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
157 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
That's the connotative meaning when a woman says to a man: "Let's be friends because you're just too nice."

Happened to me once. I really liked this woman I met at college. She was fun. Apparently, I was too nice to her.

This woman actually didn't know how to react to a man treating her good. Her last boyfriend beat her up, cheated on her, stole her car, and spent her money.

A shit covered brick would have been nicer than that asshat. I heard she dropped out of college and went back to him. I guess she liked the idea of being someones punching bag, so bullet dodged.
Did she have low self esteem? from my observations the only females who let guys treat them badly have low self esteem.
 

·
Beer Guardian
ENTP 5w6 So/Sx 584 ILE Honorary INTJ
Joined
·
15,486 Posts
Did she have low self esteem? from my observations the only females who let guys treat them badly have low self esteem.
I'm sure she did. It was a great disappointment, but once again, bulllet dodged.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,192 Posts
One of the factors of being "too nice" (I mean firstly when someone posts a thread like this, it's not possible to really frame precisely what they mean without being there to see it or at least having the person go into a lot of detail, but I'll just go with the broad way this term is used)- as a guy, is that if you're too nice to women it suggests a certain lack of competitive and assertive backbone.

What I mean by that is that it suggests in an evolutionary sense that when the going gets tough, people/situations are challenging you (which is a normal thing that happens in the world like it or not) and you need to be competitive in order to fight for something a woman will read that as a sign that you would prefer just to fold to get along. If you're just willing to be that nice to her when you're interested in her without actually getting to know her, because no matter how much of an angel you think she is, she's capable of behaving badly because she's a human being, and she knows that. She's also not a child who needs unconditional tender love and care, she needs to be challenged to an extent to be better than what she is now, again like all people do. It's about balance, and if you're being called "too nice" chances are you're skewed too far in one direction just like some people are too skewed in the assertive direction.

Also women tend to be more nurturing, and regardless of the reason that you think that might be, the fact is that a relationship is a partnership where together you can form a unit to balance each other out in some way. You're both flawed human beings (that's part of human nature), but if you can balance each other out while working together it makes your partnership more effective.

Women are different though. They all have different ranges of preferences relating to this, but it's probably more like a bell curve so if you're someone who is typically nice to get along and avoid conflict you're just going to probably have fewer options since the average of the bell curve is the most common. You can and should still be a nice (I prefer "good") person, but do it with some backbone and self-pride.

I don't phrase things this way to be unkind, quite the opposite. I try to write what I think is useful information that can actually actively help rather than telling you "it's all ok there's no such thing as being too nice". At the same time don't use that as a reason to be a douchebag though that won't help you one bit.
 

·
Registered
ENTJ 7w8
Joined
·
4,954 Posts
Women have said this a lot to men that their too nice, not to me though. What is too nice.
It usually means don't be a doormat. That's usually what a woman means when she says that. Either that or it's a nicer way to say she's not interested and would rather friendzone the man instead.
 

·
Registered
♂️ INFJ 5w4 // IEI-Ni
Joined
·
3,079 Posts
I think I've been called "so nice" more than "too nice" but regardless I just take those as simple compliments that they think I'm very friendly. If we're dating then of course, it can be hard not to be extra friendly and romantic with them because I love them and they're being extra nice back to me too.

What's too nice though? When it feels suspicious and manipulative.... disingenuous.... Hard to explain but I know it when I feel it.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
13,604 Posts
It's really impossible to answer this.

I've never told anyone they are "too nice," and the only people I can think of who would match that would be women I've known.

And that is because they were putting everyone else's needs above their own--so for their own benefit, they seemed like they needed to set clearer boundaries and communicate them, and to really spend time thinking about what they wanted.

I also haven't heard women say that about men.

I've seen women who distrust men who seem to be trying to make too much of an effort to appear super nice, and it seemed ingenuine.

But in general, I imagine someone who is "too nice" would be someone who needs to work on finding their own boundaries, and politely communicating those boundaries in a respectful way. But that's something a lot of people have to work on--especially for more successful relationships.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,963 Posts
"Too nice" means "arsehole".
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
993 Posts
Women have said this a lot to men that their too nice, not to me though. What is too nice.
Someone who is too nice is someone who puts other people's wants before their own needs. This is someone you can take advantage of but cannot rely on long term, because sooner or later they're personal value will plummet due to self-neglect and they will be nothing but dead weight to the poor unfortunate soul that lets them get attached.

But a woman will never say this to a man she respects. She will either make up for his shortcomings by taking care of his needs, or communicate it in a way that won't hurt his confidence as a man. It's only when a woman has zero respect for a man that she will be patronising or blunt.
 

·
Registered
ENTJ 7w8
Joined
·
4,954 Posts
most likely
Yeah, some women are simply very conflict avoidant or wants a man who will "keep her in check" and will stand up for her if someone insults her. So there are good reasons why a woman might not want to be with someone who she thinks is too nice. A lot of it has to do where a woman's upbringing and where she grew up. A woman who comes from a rough neighborhood might want someone who's more of a protector than a romantic. It all depends on how she grew up.
 
1 - 20 of 36 Posts
Top