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Torment of sexual OCD and personality disorder

1485 Views 4 Replies 4 Participants Last post by  Satan Claus
Please keep arms inside the ride at all times. This is a long 'un.

A part of my OCD that has gotten painfully bad recently - to the point of being debilitating - is a recurrent obsession over whether I am submissive because I sometimes react with arousal to things I normally abhor. It can be descriptions of heterosexual relationships with a power-differential that is genuinely frightening to me, as on sites that advocate male supremacy, or just feeling aroused at the thought of my own humiliation.

I actually used to feel pretty confident regarding this. I saw it as a relaxing and, to be honest, quite amusing kink. Not so much now. Part of my sort of OCD involves a need for "checking" over anxious and/or intrusive thoughts, something which I'm sure a lot of OCDers will identify with. My way of resolving my anxiety involves a need to confront the thing upsetting me - for example, "does the fact I am sometimes aroused by things that run counter to my actual view of myself mean I am denying my true submissive/feminine self?" Even typing out and reading it makes it seem ridiculous as something to worry over, but it is easy to obsess when I am already very unsure of my own identity, and am a shy person afraid of conflict.

Ironically, ever since it became an obsession I feel neutered. I search for the most extreme, misogynistic websites I can find and then sit and stew feeling outrage and a mix of fear/arousal. The problem is, it isn't like a normal kind of "I want this, this is good" sexual feeling, but it seems more and more to me to originate from my heightened anxious state. Hence I am stuck in a vicious cycle where I think I am aroused, I panic because of this and then because of the panic I think I "feel" something below the waistline.

In print it seems completely ridiculous to be worried and obsessing over it, but I do. I should point out, and stress, in fact, that submissive thoughts actually rarely crop up in my mind if left to my own devices, and I seldom actively seek out stimuli for it outside of these obsessive rituals. Another main line of thought that characterises these episodes is underlined by a very visceral rage, and a creeping conviction that the websites (that I am searching for, mind) are some tangible demonic force that is out to get me and force me to confront that these "arousal"/panic feelings are indicative of something I am choosing to ignore. I henceforth begin to feel paranoia, and a sense of superiority at feeling like these people are trying to get me to be a woman I am not. Like I am a one-woman army who will be the one to confront them.

This kind of admittedly delusionary thinking has led to a couple of clashes with people from forums that are in reality just keeping to themselves.

I would be incredibly grateful for anyone, at all, who has experienced this kind of sexual OCD, to chip in with their thoughts.
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