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Torment of sexual OCD and personality disorder

1482 Views 4 Replies 4 Participants Last post by  Satan Claus
Please keep arms inside the ride at all times. This is a long 'un.

A part of my OCD that has gotten painfully bad recently - to the point of being debilitating - is a recurrent obsession over whether I am submissive because I sometimes react with arousal to things I normally abhor. It can be descriptions of heterosexual relationships with a power-differential that is genuinely frightening to me, as on sites that advocate male supremacy, or just feeling aroused at the thought of my own humiliation.

I actually used to feel pretty confident regarding this. I saw it as a relaxing and, to be honest, quite amusing kink. Not so much now. Part of my sort of OCD involves a need for "checking" over anxious and/or intrusive thoughts, something which I'm sure a lot of OCDers will identify with. My way of resolving my anxiety involves a need to confront the thing upsetting me - for example, "does the fact I am sometimes aroused by things that run counter to my actual view of myself mean I am denying my true submissive/feminine self?" Even typing out and reading it makes it seem ridiculous as something to worry over, but it is easy to obsess when I am already very unsure of my own identity, and am a shy person afraid of conflict.

Ironically, ever since it became an obsession I feel neutered. I search for the most extreme, misogynistic websites I can find and then sit and stew feeling outrage and a mix of fear/arousal. The problem is, it isn't like a normal kind of "I want this, this is good" sexual feeling, but it seems more and more to me to originate from my heightened anxious state. Hence I am stuck in a vicious cycle where I think I am aroused, I panic because of this and then because of the panic I think I "feel" something below the waistline.

In print it seems completely ridiculous to be worried and obsessing over it, but I do. I should point out, and stress, in fact, that submissive thoughts actually rarely crop up in my mind if left to my own devices, and I seldom actively seek out stimuli for it outside of these obsessive rituals. Another main line of thought that characterises these episodes is underlined by a very visceral rage, and a creeping conviction that the websites (that I am searching for, mind) are some tangible demonic force that is out to get me and force me to confront that these "arousal"/panic feelings are indicative of something I am choosing to ignore. I henceforth begin to feel paranoia, and a sense of superiority at feeling like these people are trying to get me to be a woman I am not. Like I am a one-woman army who will be the one to confront them.

This kind of admittedly delusionary thinking has led to a couple of clashes with people from forums that are in reality just keeping to themselves.

I would be incredibly grateful for anyone, at all, who has experienced this kind of sexual OCD, to chip in with their thoughts.
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I understand exactly what you mean with the sexual OCD. A lot of people with OCD have this, it's more common then you'd think. The best way to get rid of intrusive thoughts is not to ignore them or start fighting them when they come, but just let them. This will prevent them from getting worse. The person who said "pretend it's Donald Duck" is awesome for coming up with that. It really would work. I will even try that.
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