[Roze]

I'm wondering, does anyone besides me really use this when trying to help others? I know people tend to view it negatively, but I really do feel that straightforward concern doesn't help everyone, and at times can make things worse.

I tend to use this on people that I strongly believe in, close friends who know me on a personal level, and people I can definitely relate to. I'm definitely picky about choosing when to use tough love to help someone.

Feel free to share your experience giving or receiving tough love, I'm very curious to see how others handle it, non INFP's included.

 

[SenhorFrio]

i agree with you on this one. but it should be said that you have to establis that the love is unconditional first. i just refuse to let good people let them selves slip away,so i just draw the line at extreme negativity.

 

[Lad]

I'll generally only toughen up when I am almost absolutely confident that the way they're handling something is overly detrimental to themselves or others. In which case, I'll wear the black wings and aggressively manipulate them into a favorable state of mind.

Cases where I've done this?
A friend or love interest that is dating somebody that is completely wrong for them (abusive, dogmatic, etc).
People suffering from severe mental anguish (guilt usually)
Suicidal Individuals
The type of people that will ruminate about something constantly, but never be proactive. They'll seemingly never take those steps unless I kick them in the ass first.

The list goes on.

As for me, I thrive on tough love and I almost entirely ignore any pats on the back. I want to know what I can improve on, not what I'm good at. I can also mentally detach myself from my emotions so if someone wants to tell it to me straight I can look at it very objectively with no hard feelings. This of course assumes they're not over the top like a drill instructor. There's such a thing as unnecessary filler words.

 

[Raichan]

Actually I'm hoping that someone, anyone around here, can offer to teach me on how to have more tough love.

I find that my flaw is that I tend to go a little bit too easy sometimes on people that i really love/care about.

Even though I appear tough on others, I can be a bit startlingly fragile when it comes to the few individuals I've let in my life, so yes I envy those who know how to do tough love.

 

[Blackbeard]

Yea its just like you. I use only because I understand that some people need to be mentally pushed to accomplish something that they may feel that is impossible. I explain it logically as I can and try not to be blunt and harsh. Now weather this person know that I am doing this out of love not out of hate that's up to them. Sometimes I need that that tough treatment, so I can feel when others need it as well. Not that I go up to every Joe Schmo and demand better from him, only when I truly believe in my heart that the person can do better can I deliver those razor tongue words of encouragement.

Now of course some people can handle understand that I do it because I believe in them, but some just can't handle criticism on any level and will shut down complete so tough love can be a double edged sword. But I also have no problem holding someones hand through hard times, because I understand that as well. I just want to help everyone and see them do good. I never mean to offend but at times I fail. Sometimes no matter what I do or say I offend in every way.

 

[faeriegal713]

I tend to start with reason, then trying to appeal to their emotions, then guilt, pride,duty, etc. before finally working via tough love, though sometimes it's a very fine line between pushing for understanding/action due to guilt/duty and tough love. Especially since I very much so detest when someone uses the tough love tactic on me when it was unnecessary to do so. The problem with this approach is that sometimes I've already pushed as much as they're willing to listen and they aren't going to hear anything I say at all. Sometimes, if I know the person well enough I can figure out a way around that or speed up my process prior to it actually getting to that point, but I know I've failed in it quite a few times.

Actually, I and several other friends are already at that point with another friend. One of the bad things about having a lot of friends via the net means a lot of friends all across the country/world, and sometimes you just can't /do/ tough love via email, text, or phone calls. :dry:

 

[caraez]

I have used tough love before, but it's not usually necessary. I usually use over-kindness first. You'd be surprised at how many people will back off when you're over nice. It goes something like this:

"I really don't want to do my homework."
"I'm sorry, dear. I know its really stressful." <insert hug here>
"It's ok, its not that big of a deal" <goes and does homework>

And I know what you mean on thriving off tough love. It can help motivate me to push myself in a class, while if the teacher praises me I'll sit back and do well enough but not learn anything. Also, it really bugs me when people don't tell me if I did something badly to be nice. I want to know so I can improve, gosh darnit.