Personality Cafe banner

1 - 8 of 8 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,883 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hi all,

I have been in a great relationship for a year and some weeks. I love my girlfriend. She's great for me. We are long distance but have had several visits. The longest one was 3 months over this summer. While she was with me, I had some issues, because I have PTSD, but was more or less OK.

The sticky situation is that she lives with her ex. They were together for 7 years and she says she never loved him and that she just didn't have anyone else. I understood that because she is more or less an orphan and her ex was/is her best friend since high school. I have had a lot of trust issues throughout our relationship. Rationally I can see based on her character and her strong love for me that nothing bad should happen. However, as I'm sure many will understand, having her living with the man she had been intimate with for so many years is hard for me on a purely emotional level. I have a problem controlling my imagination and so each day is full of strong anxiety and stress over the fear that my girlfriend will betray me. From the instant I wake up, all the way until falling asleep this anxiety pops up intermittently.

Does anyone have any suggestions for me? We plan on moving together next June, when I graduate and she transfers to a university. However, all that time in between might just destroy me. I love my girlfriend so much and obviously want this relationship to succeed. What can I do to reduce my pain over this arrangement? She says that she cannot afford to move because she isn't working and is paying for her schooling. She also doesn't have any friends in the area apart from her ex. So I understand why it has to be this way but that doesn't change the fact that I am struggling.

Thanks!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,016 Posts
I think the most important thing for you to do is think about why you're worried she would betray you. Has she given you any reason to think she would do so? Have you been cheated on in the past, etc?

If she can't afford to move out, then you're going to have to get used to it until the move - or you're going to be miserable. If you don't actually think she would cheat on you, then my best advice would be to just stop worrying about it. If it happens, deal with it then, but don't obsess over a possibility. It's only going to cause you more pain.

When your imagination starts to go bad, remind yourself of the reasons you trust her. She was with this guy for seven years and lives with him; if they wanted to be together, they would be together. She has chosen to be with you instead.

If this is bothering you all day, every day as you describe, I would also advise talking to her about it. This kind of persistent suspicion is not healthy for you or the relationship at all. In time, you will grow resentful of the situation. It's even possible that you would lose all trust in her and start to question whether she was lying, etc, because your mind is working against you so much. Tell her how you feel. It's not an accusation of infidelity. Just talk about her level of intimacy with this ex, and the things that make you uncomfortable.

I don't want this to come off wrong, but in the end, if you are really tortured by these suspicions day and night, this relationship might not be right for you. Maybe it is this relationship in particular (this girl) or maybe it's relationships in general. I obviously don't know your whole situation. But in a healthy relationship, there is no reason for these worries. I think you really need to examine why you feel this way and what it means for your relationship. You have to be honest with yourself and with her.
 

·
Grumpy old bastard
Joined
·
10,085 Posts
do what you want, but start making some boundaries.

and make friends with the ex.

why did they break up?
 
  • Like
Reactions: intrasearching

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,883 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
Thank you both for the responses.

I have been talking to her about this issue since we started dating. I actually warned her about pursuing me because I have always had abandonment issues. I was adopted, and so I have this inherent wound that tells me people who say they love me will eventually leave.

I believe that she will not betray me or leave me. It's just this constant, uncontrollable anxiety. I have relief when my life is busy but it's hard to be busy all the time.

Also, if I didn't mention it, when we are physically together I am fine. We love being in each other's presence. It's just the distance and the uncertainty about when I will see her again that are making this so rough.

I can think of a few things I might be able to do to make myself less dependent and anxious but what I first need to do is find some way to control this anxiety.

If I believe I am not worthy of being loved eternally, that isn't something I can heal soon. It will take time. But if only I could at least "fake it until I make it" that would help reduce the stress on my partner as well as myself immensely.

She is an ENTJ and has assured me that if she ever wanted to break up she would say so. She wouldn't hide things or be wishy-washy. And I believe that. It's just this damn irrational fear.
 

·
Grumpy old bastard
Joined
·
10,085 Posts
ummmm, I'm as confident as anyone I know.

I would be VERY concerned about her fucking her ex if she is living with him. That ain't irrational.

Sorry.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,883 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
Well, that frankly doesn't make me feel good at all. I know it's a natural thing for people to worry like this. But I have issues with anxiety and I really want to get over it. I worry all the time about her getting with her ex but everything about her character suggests she's honest. Maybe I am naive but if I go believing that I might just ruin my relationship.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,883 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
I think the most important thing for you to do is think about why you're worried she would betray you. Has she given you any reason to think she would do so? Have you been cheated on in the past, etc?

If she can't afford to move out, then you're going to have to get used to it until the move - or you're going to be miserable. If you don't actually think she would cheat on you, then my best advice would be to just stop worrying about it. If it happens, deal with it then, but don't obsess over a possibility. It's only going to cause you more pain.

When your imagination starts to go bad, remind yourself of the reasons you trust her. She was with this guy for seven years and lives with him; if they wanted to be together, they would be together. She has chosen to be with you instead.

If this is bothering you all day, every day as you describe, I would also advise talking to her about it. This kind of persistent suspicion is not healthy for you or the relationship at all. In time, you will grow resentful of the situation. It's even possible that you would lose all trust in her and start to question whether she was lying, etc, because your mind is working against you so much. Tell her how you feel. It's not an accusation of infidelity. Just talk about her level of intimacy with this ex, and the things that make you uncomfortable.

I don't want this to come off wrong, but in the end, if you are really tortured by these suspicions day and night, this relationship might not be right for you. Maybe it is this relationship in particular (this girl) or maybe it's relationships in general. I obviously don't know your whole situation. But in a healthy relationship, there is no reason for these worries. I think you really need to examine why you feel this way and what it means for your relationship. You have to be honest with yourself and with her.
I am not sure if I mentioned it, but when we are physically together I do not have anxiety. It's only when she is away that I have this stress. And it's not just her. I have had this problem in all my relationships.
 
1 - 8 of 8 Posts
Top