Hi, :]
I've been reading forums for several times to sort of relate myself to other intps and the rest.
Today, I decided to post my recent issue so that I could gain more insights and hopefully get through this situation more wisely. So I need your help. I don't mind whatever type you are, I'm just posting here because I am an intp.
This will be a rather subjective narrative(from my POV), but I'll try to balance it out with information if possible.
If you guys need to have certain questions answered before giving me any advice, leave me a note.
PS: there are several issues intertwined.. so it would be nice to have your perspective on each of them.
I had a fight/argument with a close friend this friday. She's a friend from high school and I've known her for 8 years now. Since we went to different university we rarely saw each other and didn't really share much of our daily routine. But, we have this connection that always brings us to each other no matter what go through in our lives. It's as if we were experiencing the same stages in life but differently. Recently, being in a similar situation(I quit my temporary job as a translator to enter Grad school in France, she quit hers and trying to figure out what to do with her life), we have been talking and seeing each other quite a bit(like twice a month).
This friday I really needed to talk to her about an issue that I had with my mum the night before.
My mum had accidentally found my fb profile pic where I was kissing my bf. It is not an apparent kiss for your information, it's more of a friendly kiss. She just came to my room and started yelling at me "What's this? Delete this picture RIGHT NOW" It wasn't a question, nor a conversation, it was a straightforward order. :mellow:
She wouldn't go away until she thought I deleted the pic(I didn't, I only signed out so she wouldn't see it on her tablet-yeah, my mistake..). I was more stunned by her attitude than the fact that she didn't like the pic.
I have had several fights with my mum ever since I was little because of her overly emotional reactions and very conservative close-minded perspective. There are things that I came to understand and tolerate, but I just cannot be myself around her. I detest how she responds so hysterically to me having a relationship and wanting to get married. Basically she thinks my bf is not good enough for me-she almost despises him- and I am too young to make any decision(I am 26).
My bf and I are going through a long distance relationship. It's been about 6 months now (we've been together since December 2012). He's in the AF and currently stationed in England and I live in Seoul, South Korea. I have had hard time since he left and we still have a long way to go with our ups and downs.
I used to talk about anything and everything with him, but I have been thinking that maybe telling him EVERYTHING is not a good idea, especially when it comes to my mum hating our relationship(because I've seen him being distressed and sad about it even though he says it's okay). He's an ENTP and although we understand each other pretty well and are very compatible, emotions are always tricky for us. I am not good at dealing with emotions myself(mine and others), but after a lot of reading and thinking I can now discern the time when I need some strong emotional support. It was so on this case. So I decided to not talk about it to my bf, but to my friend instead.
Except that we ended up arguing.
We were supposed to meet up in a cafe to study and talk. I told her that I really needed to talk first when we meet.
She was at first okay with it. But then when I called her later to confirm our time, her voice sounded really bad. So I asked her if she was sick or didn't feel like coming out, if so she needed not to bother. I suspect this is what made her tick. That was the very start of our argument...
I tried to explain to her that I rather not see her if she didn't feel like listening to me because I really needed her full attention. & since I don't know her state of mind I cannot judge whether she would feel okay or not when we hang out. So I told her I really needed her to make that judgement herself and say no if she didn't want to or didn't feel like it.
However, this made her angry. She said that she couldn't understand how I said that, when her intention was even though she doesn't feel good she would still be there for me for the sake of being there for me.
But, just so you know, she naturally gets impatient and irritated when she has to listen to me when she doesn't really have the emotional tolerance to. & I don't like sensing that. This had happened before and we argued over that too.
I also told her that I don't want this to happen again and that I would rather not see her and that she needed to tell me.
This whole thing led us to another big discussion of how our relationship has always been based on a certain imbalance between her and me in terms of affection(?) or action(?).
I never saw her MBTI, but I think she's an INFP.
She's certainly introverted(doesn't go out, see people, do things that much, very close circle of friends, never really initiate any activity). More intuitive, and a feeler(she was getting frustrated that I couldn't see her feelings and pointed out the way I talk to her about things was very analytic-which she doesn't like and think inhuman to some extent..). Always changes plans. As much as I am having troubles with productivity, she is as well..
She told me she always felt like she was being judged by me and that I made her feel like she wasn't good enough for me as a friend. I tended to suggest things to do together or try to introduce her to certain meet up opportunities. Nothing big, just seeing a friend of mine, going out to meet different people, watch a movie, etc. But she always says 'yeah let's do that!' and never really shows up.. So I sort of gave up on her for a while and then when I thought she would be fine I tried again, but it didn't work. Maybe she will never be okay with it...
She told me that I don't accept her as she is and am constantly trying to change her. First of all, I am not trying to change her at all, I just wanna do stuffs with her and experience things together to grow. Also, if that's how she feels I told her if she wanted me to stop asking her out like that she just needed to tell me so and I won't do it,
and then she always replies 'no, that's not what I mean.. don't stop suggesting things..' I don't know what she wants me to do, tbh. There was no conclusion. So we just said that we would need some time off to think.
I was pretty tired honestly. So now we're just having another cool down time in our friendship.
I don't know what to do with this. I feel like I cannot be myself around her because she is oversensitive.
I feel like for us to maintain our friendship, I'll just have to keep it extremely low profile with her(like seeing her every two months) and don't expect anything from her, at least that's what my bf suggested..
If you somehow managed to read through till this point, I thank you very much for your patience :kitteh:
I hope to get your advices on three different points
1. What to do with my friend? How should I approach her and our friendship?
I suddenly lost confidence and have no clue...
Should I just leave it at that?
But then again, I feel like we're not really friends any more,, it's like I give up our friendship if I don't do anything.
2. I want to be able to talk to my bf as I used to, but I feel like my friendship with my friend is affecting how I form relationships with others..
I'm not confident about being myself any more around close people.
I'm afraid he would get hurt and mad at me about things I tell him without really resolving the ultimate cause.
Particularly when I seek emotional support from him, he bombards me with the 'right answers' always,
which makes me feel more of a crap.
3. I hate my mum. I feel like our family altogether is emotionally impaired.
Especially my parents don't understand the importance of emotion. Nor how to wisely deal with them.
I wish to have a mature relationship with my mum, but it's freaking hard because I always feel like a child in front of her. The way she treat me and talk to me is pretty much it.
This problem actually entails a whole different story of my upbringing, but I'll just end it here.
I've been reading forums for several times to sort of relate myself to other intps and the rest.
Today, I decided to post my recent issue so that I could gain more insights and hopefully get through this situation more wisely. So I need your help. I don't mind whatever type you are, I'm just posting here because I am an intp.
This will be a rather subjective narrative(from my POV), but I'll try to balance it out with information if possible.
If you guys need to have certain questions answered before giving me any advice, leave me a note.
PS: there are several issues intertwined.. so it would be nice to have your perspective on each of them.
I had a fight/argument with a close friend this friday. She's a friend from high school and I've known her for 8 years now. Since we went to different university we rarely saw each other and didn't really share much of our daily routine. But, we have this connection that always brings us to each other no matter what go through in our lives. It's as if we were experiencing the same stages in life but differently. Recently, being in a similar situation(I quit my temporary job as a translator to enter Grad school in France, she quit hers and trying to figure out what to do with her life), we have been talking and seeing each other quite a bit(like twice a month).
This friday I really needed to talk to her about an issue that I had with my mum the night before.
My mum had accidentally found my fb profile pic where I was kissing my bf. It is not an apparent kiss for your information, it's more of a friendly kiss. She just came to my room and started yelling at me "What's this? Delete this picture RIGHT NOW" It wasn't a question, nor a conversation, it was a straightforward order. :mellow:
She wouldn't go away until she thought I deleted the pic(I didn't, I only signed out so she wouldn't see it on her tablet-yeah, my mistake..). I was more stunned by her attitude than the fact that she didn't like the pic.
I have had several fights with my mum ever since I was little because of her overly emotional reactions and very conservative close-minded perspective. There are things that I came to understand and tolerate, but I just cannot be myself around her. I detest how she responds so hysterically to me having a relationship and wanting to get married. Basically she thinks my bf is not good enough for me-she almost despises him- and I am too young to make any decision(I am 26).
My bf and I are going through a long distance relationship. It's been about 6 months now (we've been together since December 2012). He's in the AF and currently stationed in England and I live in Seoul, South Korea. I have had hard time since he left and we still have a long way to go with our ups and downs.
I used to talk about anything and everything with him, but I have been thinking that maybe telling him EVERYTHING is not a good idea, especially when it comes to my mum hating our relationship(because I've seen him being distressed and sad about it even though he says it's okay). He's an ENTP and although we understand each other pretty well and are very compatible, emotions are always tricky for us. I am not good at dealing with emotions myself(mine and others), but after a lot of reading and thinking I can now discern the time when I need some strong emotional support. It was so on this case. So I decided to not talk about it to my bf, but to my friend instead.
Except that we ended up arguing.
We were supposed to meet up in a cafe to study and talk. I told her that I really needed to talk first when we meet.
She was at first okay with it. But then when I called her later to confirm our time, her voice sounded really bad. So I asked her if she was sick or didn't feel like coming out, if so she needed not to bother. I suspect this is what made her tick. That was the very start of our argument...
I tried to explain to her that I rather not see her if she didn't feel like listening to me because I really needed her full attention. & since I don't know her state of mind I cannot judge whether she would feel okay or not when we hang out. So I told her I really needed her to make that judgement herself and say no if she didn't want to or didn't feel like it.
However, this made her angry. She said that she couldn't understand how I said that, when her intention was even though she doesn't feel good she would still be there for me for the sake of being there for me.
But, just so you know, she naturally gets impatient and irritated when she has to listen to me when she doesn't really have the emotional tolerance to. & I don't like sensing that. This had happened before and we argued over that too.
I also told her that I don't want this to happen again and that I would rather not see her and that she needed to tell me.
This whole thing led us to another big discussion of how our relationship has always been based on a certain imbalance between her and me in terms of affection(?) or action(?).
I never saw her MBTI, but I think she's an INFP.
She's certainly introverted(doesn't go out, see people, do things that much, very close circle of friends, never really initiate any activity). More intuitive, and a feeler(she was getting frustrated that I couldn't see her feelings and pointed out the way I talk to her about things was very analytic-which she doesn't like and think inhuman to some extent..). Always changes plans. As much as I am having troubles with productivity, she is as well..
She told me she always felt like she was being judged by me and that I made her feel like she wasn't good enough for me as a friend. I tended to suggest things to do together or try to introduce her to certain meet up opportunities. Nothing big, just seeing a friend of mine, going out to meet different people, watch a movie, etc. But she always says 'yeah let's do that!' and never really shows up.. So I sort of gave up on her for a while and then when I thought she would be fine I tried again, but it didn't work. Maybe she will never be okay with it...
She told me that I don't accept her as she is and am constantly trying to change her. First of all, I am not trying to change her at all, I just wanna do stuffs with her and experience things together to grow. Also, if that's how she feels I told her if she wanted me to stop asking her out like that she just needed to tell me so and I won't do it,
and then she always replies 'no, that's not what I mean.. don't stop suggesting things..' I don't know what she wants me to do, tbh. There was no conclusion. So we just said that we would need some time off to think.
I was pretty tired honestly. So now we're just having another cool down time in our friendship.
I don't know what to do with this. I feel like I cannot be myself around her because she is oversensitive.
I feel like for us to maintain our friendship, I'll just have to keep it extremely low profile with her(like seeing her every two months) and don't expect anything from her, at least that's what my bf suggested..
If you somehow managed to read through till this point, I thank you very much for your patience :kitteh:
I hope to get your advices on three different points
1. What to do with my friend? How should I approach her and our friendship?
I suddenly lost confidence and have no clue...
Should I just leave it at that?
But then again, I feel like we're not really friends any more,, it's like I give up our friendship if I don't do anything.
2. I want to be able to talk to my bf as I used to, but I feel like my friendship with my friend is affecting how I form relationships with others..
I'm not confident about being myself any more around close people.
I'm afraid he would get hurt and mad at me about things I tell him without really resolving the ultimate cause.
Particularly when I seek emotional support from him, he bombards me with the 'right answers' always,
which makes me feel more of a crap.
3. I hate my mum. I feel like our family altogether is emotionally impaired.
Especially my parents don't understand the importance of emotion. Nor how to wisely deal with them.
I wish to have a mature relationship with my mum, but it's freaking hard because I always feel like a child in front of her. The way she treat me and talk to me is pretty much it.
This problem actually entails a whole different story of my upbringing, but I'll just end it here.