[claireahn]

Hi, :]

I've been reading forums for several times to sort of relate myself to other intps and the rest.

Today, I decided to post my recent issue so that I could gain more insights and hopefully get through this situation more wisely. So I need your help. I don't mind whatever type you are, I'm just posting here because I am an intp.
This will be a rather subjective narrative(from my POV), but I'll try to balance it out with information if possible.
If you guys need to have certain questions answered before giving me any advice, leave me a note.

PS: there are several issues intertwined.. so it would be nice to have your perspective on each of them.



I had a fight/argument with a close friend this friday. She's a friend from high school and I've known her for 8 years now. Since we went to different university we rarely saw each other and didn't really share much of our daily routine. But, we have this connection that always brings us to each other no matter what go through in our lives. It's as if we were experiencing the same stages in life but differently. Recently, being in a similar situation(I quit my temporary job as a translator to enter Grad school in France, she quit hers and trying to figure out what to do with her life), we have been talking and seeing each other quite a bit(like twice a month).

This friday I really needed to talk to her about an issue that I had with my mum the night before.
My mum had accidentally found my fb profile pic where I was kissing my bf. It is not an apparent kiss for your information, it's more of a friendly kiss. She just came to my room and started yelling at me "What's this? Delete this picture RIGHT NOW" It wasn't a question, nor a conversation, it was a straightforward order. :mellow:
She wouldn't go away until she thought I deleted the pic(I didn't, I only signed out so she wouldn't see it on her tablet-yeah, my mistake..). I was more stunned by her attitude than the fact that she didn't like the pic.
I have had several fights with my mum ever since I was little because of her overly emotional reactions and very conservative close-minded perspective. There are things that I came to understand and tolerate, but I just cannot be myself around her. I detest how she responds so hysterically to me having a relationship and wanting to get married. Basically she thinks my bf is not good enough for me-she almost despises him- and I am too young to make any decision(I am 26).

My bf and I are going through a long distance relationship. It's been about 6 months now (we've been together since December 2012). He's in the AF and currently stationed in England and I live in Seoul, South Korea. I have had hard time since he left and we still have a long way to go with our ups and downs.
I used to talk about anything and everything with him, but I have been thinking that maybe telling him EVERYTHING is not a good idea, especially when it comes to my mum hating our relationship(because I've seen him being distressed and sad about it even though he says it's okay). He's an ENTP and although we understand each other pretty well and are very compatible, emotions are always tricky for us. I am not good at dealing with emotions myself(mine and others), but after a lot of reading and thinking I can now discern the time when I need some strong emotional support. It was so on this case. So I decided to not talk about it to my bf, but to my friend instead.
Except that we ended up arguing.

We were supposed to meet up in a cafe to study and talk. I told her that I really needed to talk first when we meet.
She was at first okay with it. But then when I called her later to confirm our time, her voice sounded really bad. So I asked her if she was sick or didn't feel like coming out, if so she needed not to bother. I suspect this is what made her tick. That was the very start of our argument...

I tried to explain to her that I rather not see her if she didn't feel like listening to me because I really needed her full attention. & since I don't know her state of mind I cannot judge whether she would feel okay or not when we hang out. So I told her I really needed her to make that judgement herself and say no if she didn't want to or didn't feel like it.
However, this made her angry. She said that she couldn't understand how I said that, when her intention was even though she doesn't feel good she would still be there for me for the sake of being there for me.
But, just so you know, she naturally gets impatient and irritated when she has to listen to me when she doesn't really have the emotional tolerance to. & I don't like sensing that. This had happened before and we argued over that too.
I also told her that I don't want this to happen again and that I would rather not see her and that she needed to tell me.

This whole thing led us to another big discussion of how our relationship has always been based on a certain imbalance between her and me in terms of affection(?) or action(?).

I never saw her MBTI, but I think she's an INFP.
She's certainly introverted(doesn't go out, see people, do things that much, very close circle of friends, never really initiate any activity). More intuitive, and a feeler(she was getting frustrated that I couldn't see her feelings and pointed out the way I talk to her about things was very analytic-which she doesn't like and think inhuman to some extent..). Always changes plans. As much as I am having troubles with productivity, she is as well..

She told me she always felt like she was being judged by me and that I made her feel like she wasn't good enough for me as a friend. I tended to suggest things to do together or try to introduce her to certain meet up opportunities. Nothing big, just seeing a friend of mine, going out to meet different people, watch a movie, etc. But she always says 'yeah let's do that!' and never really shows up.. So I sort of gave up on her for a while and then when I thought she would be fine I tried again, but it didn't work. Maybe she will never be okay with it...

She told me that I don't accept her as she is and am constantly trying to change her. First of all, I am not trying to change her at all, I just wanna do stuffs with her and experience things together to grow. Also, if that's how she feels I told her if she wanted me to stop asking her out like that she just needed to tell me so and I won't do it,
and then she always replies 'no, that's not what I mean.. don't stop suggesting things..' I don't know what she wants me to do, tbh. There was no conclusion. So we just said that we would need some time off to think.
I was pretty tired honestly. So now we're just having another cool down time in our friendship.

I don't know what to do with this. I feel like I cannot be myself around her because she is oversensitive.
I feel like for us to maintain our friendship, I'll just have to keep it extremely low profile with her(like seeing her every two months) and don't expect anything from her, at least that's what my bf suggested..


If you somehow managed to read through till this point, I thank you very much for your patience :kitteh:

I hope to get your advices on three different points

1. What to do with my friend? How should I approach her and our friendship?
I suddenly lost confidence and have no clue...
Should I just leave it at that?
But then again, I feel like we're not really friends any more,, it's like I give up our friendship if I don't do anything.

2. I want to be able to talk to my bf as I used to, but I feel like my friendship with my friend is affecting how I form relationships with others..
I'm not confident about being myself any more around close people.
I'm afraid he would get hurt and mad at me about things I tell him without really resolving the ultimate cause.
Particularly when I seek emotional support from him, he bombards me with the 'right answers' always,
which makes me feel more of a crap.

3. I hate my mum. I feel like our family altogether is emotionally impaired.
Especially my parents don't understand the importance of emotion. Nor how to wisely deal with them.
I wish to have a mature relationship with my mum, but it's freaking hard because I always feel like a child in front of her. The way she treat me and talk to me is pretty much it.
This problem actually entails a whole different story of my upbringing, but I'll just end it here.

 

[XO Skeleton]

Wait. Lemme get this straight. You're an adult in university and your mom made you change your profile pic? How does that work?

 

[qingdom]

Wait. Lemme get this straight. You're an adult in university and your mom made you change your profile pic? How does that work?

asian parents... until marriage, in their eyes, their offspring will always be children....

even for most parents, until their deathbed, there is this magical thinking that their children are still young and knows not what is good for them when they don't even realise it themselves. the constriction level is quite unbearable quite often where even using silence and ignoring the argument simply adds fuel to the engagement.

which falls back on, while living under parents house, their rules, pretty much... only option is to move out and move far, unless there isn't that option at the available moment.

 

[DarkBarlow]

Wait. Lemme get this straight. You're an adult in university and your mom made you change your profile pic? How does that work?

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6HP2escR3qQ&desktop_uri=/watch?v=6HP2escR3qQ

 

[claireahn]

Haha yeah asian mums... asian parents for that matter.

I graduated uni in 2012 and worked 10months as a translator and now am trying to get into grad school in France.
I have a particular upbringing and mindset compared to other 'ordinary' koreans. & that's why i clashes so much with my parents if not explicitly. I was born and raised in paris up to 9 years old due to my parents' situation. Although one might say it's a pretty short period of time to influence someone's perspective and personality, I have to tell you it impacted me in a considerable way. I could give you details, but i think an independent film called 'my place 2013' would do the job better. It is exactly my story.
Anyway, i understand how odd it might seem to people who dont grasp the cultural differences, but i still think that essentially it is about something more fundamental.
So let aside my mum's problem, i would appreciate some constructive advices about my friend and bf. Thanks for your replies though.

Sent from my LG-F240S using Tapatalk

 

[XO Skeleton]

asian parents... until marriage, in their eyes, their offspring will always be children....

even for most parents, until their deathbed, there is this magical thinking that their children are still young and knows not what is good for them when they don't even realise it themselves. the constriction level is quite unbearable quite often where even using silence and ignoring the argument simply adds fuel to the engagement.

which falls back on, while living under parents house, their rules, pretty much... only option is to move out and move far, unless there isn't that option at the available moment.

Oh I see. A cultural thing. 2 weeks after I graduated high school I got a job. One month later I moved out and started university. Had to flee the rule of my SJ Auntie and NJ uncle.

 

[elissabowden]

1. What to do with my friend? How should I approach her and our friendship?

If you want to fix it, sit down with her and let her talk and let her feelings out. Example: "What's wrong?" blah blah feelings "Why do you feel that way?" blah blah blah "How can I change things to make them better?" blah blah. then take her advice.

2. I want to be able to talk to my bf as I used to, but I feel like my friendship with my friend is affecting how I form relationships with others..
I'm not confident about being myself any more around close people.
I'm afraid he would get hurt and mad at me about things I tell him without really resolving the ultimate cause.
Particularly when I seek emotional support from him, he bombards me with the 'right answers' always,
which makes me feel more of a crap.

sit him down and explain logically what is going on. Make sure you structure your discussion in a logical sequence. Explain background if you need to so he can understand the whole picture. Then ask what suggestions he may have to fix the situation. If you fear you may get hurt, too bad. Sometimes you do get hurt. But, it will be good to know that he is there for you and understands you or not. Tell him you need him to be emotionally supportive and understand where you're coming from. Ask him if he's okay with this then proceed to tell him how he can help you. If you find faults in his arguments, stay calm and have a discussion.

3. I hate my mum. I feel like our family altogether is emotionally impaired.
Especially my parents don't understand the importance of emotion. Nor how to wisely deal with them.
I wish to have a mature relationship with my mum, but it's freaking hard because I always feel like a child in front of her. The way she treat me and talk to me is pretty much it.
This problem actually entails a whole different story of my upbringing, but I'll just end it here.

you need to do what you think you need to do. I would respect your parents wishes if you can. especially if you live with them. I would also slowly test things with them to see what you can do to help them understand your perspective. honestly, they may never be able to. but that is okay. you are different people. you cannot please them all the time. but you have to live your own life and make decisions. now if a decision is destructive and goes completely against what they know is BEST for you, I'd go with them. they're parents for a reason. they've been around the block and only want to protect you because they love you. and your mom, she's probably just afraid of something happening or having something you do reflect badly on herself as a parent or your family. if it makes them happy to remove the picture of you and your bf kissing, why not do it? is it really that big of a deal to have that as your profile picture? it's clear to the world (via social networking) that you're together. pick your battles. I know how you feel. my dad is the same way (INTX). I just don't tell him if i'm dating anyone, I don't broadcast it to the world, and I don't tell him what I do in my private time with anyone. contain the different aspects of your life. and slowly open them up to other people. this will help you learn to trust others to accept the real you and let you begin to feel confident about being yourself.

 

[claireahn]

Thanks for ur reply. I did sort of resolve it with my friend and my bf. But im not really on talking terms with my mum.
I have another thing that i would wanna know people's thoughts on. Would you proceed a marriage that your parents furiously oppose to. & do you think that for a successful marriage life you need to get a job before it happening.
Now that i look back they sound kinda stupid, but these days it seems like my ethics or judgement is not functioning properly... I guess it has to do me being in a transitory stage of life. Altho marriage entails so many different aspects and factors to be successful, i would like to hear what other people think of it from various outlook. Thanks.

Sent from my LG-F240S using Tapatalk

 

[feeg1]

I'm opposed to the concept or marriage, but if I accepted it I would as it's my life and not my parents. And if I also believed I'm the concept of love and not just greatly increased hormones/neurotransmitters I would not care about having a job for marriage.

 

[nyxeka]

Hm. The thing you have to understand with INFP's is that they are one of the types that can be sometimes over-ruled by their emotions. You need to express to them their importance to you, as it's not necessarily assumed, as with thinking types.

Another thing - hm. I grew up in Western Culture. A Culture where my parents kind of respect my choices, but if I had a mom like that I would have told her to either screw off, or play politically submissive and just have hidden the photo from her account so she wouldn't see it.

To me, playing politically submissive is very important as an INTP. It's basically making other people think what they want to think so their happy, even if it's not necessarily how you feel. Then, you use problem solving and stuff to try and figure out how you can, well, I wouldn't say manipulate, but guide them slowly towards a point you are trying to make without setting off a bomb.

Though, if you're with the kind of person where you could easily set off a bomb by bringing up certain arguments or beliefs, then you probably don't belong with that person...

 

[VivaCohen]

Hi, :]

1. What to do with my friend? How should I approach her and our friendship?
I suddenly lost confidence and have no clue...
Should I just leave it at that?
But then again, I feel like we're not really friends any more,, it's like I give up our friendship if I don't do anything.

2. I want to be able to talk to my bf as I used to, but I feel like my friendship with my friend is affecting how I form relationships with others..
I'm not confident about being myself any more around close people.
I'm afraid he would get hurt and mad at me about things I tell him without really resolving the ultimate cause.
Particularly when I seek emotional support from him, he bombards me with the 'right answers' always,
which makes me feel more of a crap.

3. I hate my mum. I feel like our family altogether is emotionally impaired.
Especially my parents don't understand the importance of emotion. Nor how to wisely deal with them.
I wish to have a mature relationship with my mum, but it's freaking hard because I always feel like a child in front of her. The way she treat me and talk to me is pretty much it.
This problem actually entails a whole different story of my upbringing, but I'll just end it here.

1. As much as I hate to admit it I can totally see an INFP doing this. In fact, I've done this. The thing is, she isn't REALLY upset at what you said. She's upset at how she INTERPRETED what you said and she told you how she interpreted it. She feels like you telling her she doesn't need to come out if she doesn't feel good has some deeper meaning. INFPs have Fi and very strongly as well as Ne. Fi makes INFPs take everything and ask (unconsciously) "How does this relate to me?" and when it's in the context of a relationship it can become "how does this relate to US?" She told you that you should have assumed that she would be there for you no mater what, whether she felt bad or not. This may be true but there's something deeper that has produced this reaction from her. Something stemming from a fear in her. And it's important to remember that the fear stems from the fact that she cares about you a lot. She's probably thought about her feelings about your friendship a lot. It's hard for INFPs not to do that about all relationships. She's probably analyzed them to death and he Ne has come up with every possibility under the sun, including possibilities that scare her. Instead of assuming the best she may have assumed the worst case scenario because if she does that then she can't be hurt or disappointed if it ends up being true. But if it ends up not being true she'l just feel relieved and she'll more than likely think "Well I knew that wasn't true all along". It's a good thing that all of this crazy emotional gymnastics INFPs can unconsciously get themselves into usually stems from caring so much for a person and for a relationship but it's not a particularly healthy trait to have (I would know) and it will get exhausting for her. It's hard to break and even harder for an INFP to even become aware of because it's an introverted function and unconscious and subjective. When she convinces herself that it's true because she "feels" it's true she thinks it's objectively true and can't question it even though logically she knows it's unlikely and probably has a good idea what the REAL issue is and that the real issue has very little to do with some comment you made and more to do with a fear she has of losing you (or something like that). My suggestion would be to bring this up. Most INFPs would want you to bring it up and maybe ask her if maybe that reaction was stemming from some other insecurity she has about your friendship. All personality types have things they need to work on and the scenario you described is pretty stereotypically INFP-ish, particularly an under-developed INFP. But even developed INFPs can struggle with this. She doesn't want to give up your friendship. More likely, he getting upset like that is probably an unconscious call for you to come to her and not disappear. Not approaching her about it is probably the last thing you should do with an INFP. And that could have been her way of bringing up feelings of insecurity about your relationship that she has because INFPs can find it very hard to directly express how they feel but particularly WHY they feel a certain way. And I know indirectness can be hard on INTPs.

2. It's important to remember that all people are different and INFPs and ENTJs are VERY different. Just like your INFP friend has underlying reasons for doing and saying what she does and says... so does your ENTJ boyfriend. Just like it's hard for you to understand the perspective of and INFP and an ENTJ it's important to remind yourself that it's very difficult for them to see things from your perspective, especially if they aren't familiar with personality typing. I don't mean to glorify mbti but you have a leg up on them there and that may mean that you need to initiate the process of understanding your differences and the challenges in communication that come with that. Communication is key. Your boyfriend probably says what he says because he wants you to be happy but it's not giving you what you need. It's important that you tell him that but also understand that his intentions are probably for the best. And just like your INFP friend his actons probably stem from caring about you, even when they create conflict or make you feel uncared for.

3. Relationships only work if both sides put forth healthy effort and if your mom can't bring herself to do that then you can love her and accept her and be good to her but not let the truth of who she is get in the way of any of your happiness. That may make her mad but her anger is her problem and not yours as long as you're not doing anything to directly hurt her. Loving your boyfriend and having a picture on facebook is not hurting her. My parents always made me feel like a child too and they still do. I'm 26 as well and I have to remind myself that n one can make you feel like anything unless you let them.