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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hey!

I'm new here aaaaand I have a question, so I thought I would come here in hopes that you guys may be able to help me out. So I met this amazing guy last september and we've been hanging out and sleeping together pretty consistently from september-november and starting again in early february. We only took a break because he stopped responding to my calls or texts because it was finals time and he's notoriously busy with work and research and classes, and I was a little offput, thinking he didn't like me anymore or I did something wrong so I just didn't talk to him and we didn't see each other over our winter break (we're in college). Well I reached out to him again in february and he was quite enthusiastic about picking up right where we left off & we started sleeping together and hanging out. The problem is, I'm graduating in less than 2 months and he has a semester left at college so this is leaving me with the question- where is this thing going? I really don't want this to end because not only do we have great chemistry in bed, he's very mentally stimulating and I enjoy our conversations because they're not superficial. I truly love spending time around him, he's not like anyone I've ever met before and that intrigues me, I don't want to lose him.

I'm moving closer to where he's from for a job, which will put us 20 minutes away from each other so the problem of distance has been eliminated, but I just can't tell if he wants this to become something more or if I'm just utterly delusional. I only question his feelings towards me because he's not a big communicator- he's pretty bad at responding to me and he's told me nothing is wrong, he just shuts down when he gets busy and has to get his work done. He tells me I can be a distraction to him, but he always says it with a smile and I've asked if that's a bad thing and he says no, he welcomes the distraction sometimes. I guess it boils down to- I don't know if his poor communication means he doesn't want anything other than what we have right now (basically friends with benefits) or what....

Any advice? I guess I have a fear of opening up because I don't want to get shot down because I mis-read the person's hints. But I really want to see if this could become something else because I kind of feel feelings developing for him...
 

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It it were me, he wouldn't be worth my time...
Also, a little less situational knowledge and a little more interpersonal observation would serve a better purpose here (Y)
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Well, so more info... we often go anywhere from 5-10 days without talking before we see each other again, but it's never weird, it never gets in the way of our person-to-person interactions and he always seems very apologetic about ignoring me. I find it much easier to talk to him in person than I do in texts simply because we never have mindless chit-chat unless it's talking about how school or work is going. And when we are together, sometimes we don't even fill the silence with talking, I simply enjoy his presence and company. We've never discussed feelings before... simply because it's never come up (He's never brought it up and neither have I, simply out of self-preservation. I don't want to feel rejection from someone I thought I had a connection with). I don't even know HOW to bring it up in conversation because it's so unusual compared to our usual topics of convo- science (his favorite topic), international politics (my favorite topic), music, movies, random thoughts about the world.

We never make plans either... it's always kind of spontaneous- I have time, you have time let's get together. He claims this is because he's got a horribly busy schedule (which his sister can validate) and he once fell through on plans with me and he felt really bad about it but it makes me feel like I'm not a priority of his (we aren't technically dating so I guess I'm not... but regardless...) We also don't really go.... out together. I don't particularly like going out to begin with and I don't get the impression that he does either but any time we spend together is just he and I. We don't share a similar friend group (I know his sister through a mutual friend of hers and mine), we just met out of the blue so we don't have any chance to interact in a group setting to see if his behavior towards me is any different then.

He's said to me many times that he enjoys what we are doing and doesn't want it to stop but I'm not sure if that's because he's getting regular, awesome sex out of it or because he genuinely enjoys my company... he seems fully engaged when he's with me, but he's a hard person to read since he's so private. I feel like it's worth pursuing because he distracts me from the things I get wrapped up in and stressed about and he's a mentally stimulating person to be around. I don't feel any awkward silences and it doesn't seem like anything has to be forced with him. He makes me feel comfortable, which isn't something I normally feel around people.

Idk if that helps any. I know it probably doesn't seem like a situation that most people would pursue and my good friends have said he's not worth my time, but I just don't feel that way. I feel connected to him and stimulated by him in a way that I haven't felt with someone... ever. I never always want to talk to someone, I value my alone time and I'm usually too caught up in my own thoughts but he takes me out of my head space and draws me in and makes me want to know everything there is to know about him and his thoughts.
 

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Do you think that he knows how you feel? Or has an idea that you are attracted to him more than on the physical scale?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I'm not sure... with him I've been a lot more reserved about my feelings because I want to be able to know what he feels before I tell him what I feel (which makes no sense, I've been told. I'm just really afraid of opening up and being shot down, I don't cope well with rejection on a personal level like friendship or relationships).

He did make a comment the other day, jokingly, "you just want to use me for my body" and I got kind of offended and responded with a firm "no" and told him that's not true, I genuinely do enjoy talking to him and spending time together and not getting physical. I'm kind of unsure if he believed me though...
 

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Hey!

I'm new here aaaaand I have a question, so I thought I would come here in hopes that you guys may be able to help me out. So I met this amazing guy last september and we've been hanging out and sleeping together pretty consistently from september-november and starting again in early february. We only took a break because he stopped responding to my calls or texts because it was finals time and he's notoriously busy with work and research and classes, and I was a little offput, thinking he didn't like me anymore or I did something wrong so I just didn't talk to him and we didn't see each other over our winter break (we're in college). Well I reached out to him again in february and he was quite enthusiastic about picking up right where we left off & we started sleeping together and hanging out. The problem is, I'm graduating in less than 2 months and he has a semester left at college so this is leaving me with the question- where is this thing going? I really don't want this to end because not only do we have great chemistry in bed, he's very mentally stimulating and I enjoy our conversations because they're not superficial. I truly love spending time around him, he's not like anyone I've ever met before and that intrigues me, I don't want to lose him.

I'm moving closer to where he's from for a job, which will put us 20 minutes away from each other so the problem of distance has been eliminated, but I just can't tell if he wants this to become something more or if I'm just utterly delusional. I only question his feelings towards me because he's not a big communicator- he's pretty bad at responding to me and he's told me nothing is wrong, he just shuts down when he gets busy and has to get his work done. He tells me I can be a distraction to him, but he always says it with a smile and I've asked if that's a bad thing and he says no, he welcomes the distraction sometimes. I guess it boils down to- I don't know if his poor communication means he doesn't want anything other than what we have right now (basically friends with benefits) or what....

Any advice? I guess I have a fear of opening up because I don't want to get shot down because I mis-read the person's hints. But I really want to see if this could become something else because I kind of feel feelings developing for him...

I think you should just ask him. He will response to you truthfully about the situation.

I do recognize myself from this guy. When I'm busy with studies and other, I'm literally covered with it, my apartment becoming a 24/7 study chamber.

Even my family members know this and know to decrease the amount of contact towards me when I'm in such a cycle.

When it's over however, I'm back to myself.


Time is just a relative concept for me. I could have a crush towards a girl but when I'm not seeing her, she comes to my mind less and less but I do not still forget her. But when I see her again one day the feelings are there like they never even left.

This can become a problem, as I will often just plan and analyze, notice something and then make new assumptions. It rarely comes to putting the plan into action, and that's why many of the girls (at least I think so) just forget about the whole thing and give up.


If I were you I would talk to her. Just do not go in an offensive mode, but be simply yourself and be calm.

I greatly honor girls who can communicate. I hate confusion, uncertainty and doubt. I think the same can be said for many other INTP's too.


For example, if this one ENFP girl whom I've had a crush on would just say - or show something direct to indicate that she likes me, I wouldn't hesitate to move forward.

But instead she's mixed in her signals..
 

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I completely agree with Space Ryder; you say that you want to know where this is going and how he feels. Ask him in a straightforward manner and you will get an honest response. Just know that he may not be able to give you an answer straight off the cuff; he may even flounder a bit, or give what seems to be half of a response and then go quiet. Don't take this to mean that he has no feelings. We INTPs (which this guy does sound like) are horrible at processing and explaining our feelings. Give him time to mull it over in his mind, put his feelings into thoughts and then those thoughts into words, and then he will be able to communicate much more clearly.

Also as Space Ryder said, we love clarity and we hate miscommunication. This leads us to choose our words and phrasing very carefully, especially when it is regarding something that is important to us, and when paired with our hardship regarding feelings, this can compound the time we need to process how to go about explaining how we feel.
 

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I don't know if NTPs are the same as NTJs, but for NTJS, while we may not actually show our feelings, we know when other people are interested in us. What's your sign @hoppingkitty ? Of course we are not as sensitive as other signs (maybe NFs?) for recognising feelings but we aren't completely clueless. View it like this:
Showing feelings - sensing feelings
IIIII - IIIII
What I'm saying is that he might be the one trying to play it safe and you will never know unless you make it obvious and clear that you want more than sex. When given the clues, he will either act on it or pull back.
If you are satisfied with the kind of relationship you have now and it is literally NOT killing you to keep it that way, I would advice against blatantly telling him.
How long have you known him?
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I took two tests and it labeled me as INTJ but I distrusted that and took two more that both labeled me as INFP so I need/want to explore that a little more since there's such a difference in test results.

I'm satisfied with what we have right now but I can feel the beginnings of actual feelings bubbling up and if I don't confront it, it's going to make a big complicated mess for me. If the past is any indicator, it's better that I get my feelings out before I let them simmer and fester and create problems like I often times let them. I've thought of sitting down with him and saying something to the effect of- "I really enjoy what we have now, but I'm beginning to like you as more than a fwb and I would like to see where this could go." and ask him how he feels about that, but I'm unsure if that's the correct way to approach this sensitive issue.

We've known each other since september, so not very long. And even if I were to squash down my feelings because I'm relatively happy with just sleeping with him and hanging out and talking & what not, I don't even know if he wants to continue this past the end of this school year. It seems logical to keep it going since I'll be moving 20 minutes from his hometown, but then there's the fact that he has a semester left in school and come late august, we will once again be 4 hours away until December. So there's some logistical stuff that could stand in the way (and is standing in the way of me saying anything) but I think if we communicate, it could work out if the feelings aren't one sided.
 

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I think you should tell him if it will affect you that much. You never know unless you try :)
 
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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I guess I'm just afraid of him rejecting that and not feeling the same way and then I lose what we have, which I really enjoy.

ugh, feelings. I wish I could keep them squashed down forever.
 

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I guess I'm just afraid of him rejecting that and not feeling the same way and then I lose what we have, which I really enjoy.

ugh, feelings. I wish I could keep them squashed down forever.
I think you're more of an F than a T, if it will destroy you not to tell him, you should tell him.
 

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At the risk of once again, invading the INTP sanctum and being shooed out :)-p), if an INTP voluntarily spends more time with you, he likes you. In what manner he likes you will be hard to pin down since barriers can be quite blurred between friendship, FWB, casual sex partner and a traditional relationship.

The more you push for concreteness of label, the more he will detach. So if you wish to continue status quo, relax, enjoy the moment and see where it goes. Everything's possible but nothing's possible if you attempt to box/limit/label your interactions. They'll commit if and when they're ready to do so and in the interim, try not to fall too hard.
 

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I would say INFP based on your writings. As for your solution, seems everyone else has given you pretty logical ones in dealing with 'our type'. Of course, if you really have strong feelings and if he becomes too distant over a long period of time (2 weeks), I would suggest giving nudging him back towards you by just a reminder that you exist.
 

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I don't know if NTPs are the same as NTJs, but for NTJS, while we may not actually show our feelings, we know when other people are interested in us.
I think that this guy definitely knows what's going on, but can't simply communicate it. They've been together for some time after all (sleeping together and all)


But about NTP's "knowing" when other people are interested..

Lol :laughing:

I have a friend of mine whom I am a good friend with. After half year of the beginning of our friendship , she called me one evening and asked me outside, to go for a walk.

When we were walking she told me that she's having a crush on me.

I was completely baffled, I didn't recognize any signals!

She started crying (an xNFP, somewhere around INFP and ENFP) and said that she doesn't want to lose me.

I told her that I'm not going to abandon her, even if I am not interested in her romantically.

So yeah, we are still good friends and she's now married to another man. I call her almost monthly to hear how she's doing.


So your argument regarding INTP's is invalid. I can't tell if someone is interested. I can only speculate at best and try to pick bits and pieces together.

It's still really hard.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I would say INFP based on your writings. As for your solution, seems everyone else has given you pretty logical ones in dealing with 'our type'. Of course, if you really have strong feelings and if he becomes too distant over a long period of time (2 weeks), I would suggest giving nudging him back towards you by just a reminder that you exist.
I took a more detailed test and I was 55% on the F and 45% on the T so it's a close one but I would agree, the more I think about it the more I seem like INFP is a good fit.

BUT anyway, I try to give him little reminders if I haven't heard from him after 4 or 5 days- like a simple, how's everything going or something I noticed that reminded me of him etc. to see if it sparks the convo and it usually does and ends up in him apologizing for getting so wrapped up in how busy he is.

I'm really just struggling with whether or not RIGHT NOW is a good time to bring up my feelings since we're in school or if perhaps bringing up the idea of continuing our relationship in its current state and then just later bringing it up when the situation is more ideal (no school work during the summer to distract him). I just feel like he might get really overwhelmed and possibly shut down if I unload all of my feelings all at once.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I think that this guy definitely knows what's going on, but can't simply communicate it. They've been together for some time after all (sleeping together and all)

See, one part of my brain says YEAH SEE IF HE DIDN'T LIKE YOU HE WOULDN'T KEEP COMING BACK TO YOU AND MAKING TIME FOR YOU IN HIS VERY LIMITED FREE TIME. And then the other part is like- he's a guy and you give him sex, that's all he wants (which seems less and less rational the more I think about it because he just doesn't seem like that guy. But then again I don't have a good track record of reading people......)
 

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See, one part of my brain says YEAH SEE IF HE DIDN'T LIKE YOU HE WOULDN'T KEEP COMING BACK TO YOU AND MAKING TIME FOR YOU IN HIS VERY LIMITED FREE TIME. And then the other part is like- he's a guy and you give him sex, that's all he wants (which seems less and less rational the more I think about it because he just doesn't seem like that guy. But then again I don't have a good track record of reading people......)
And we come back to the point of communicating.

Talk to him. You have spent a great deal of time together. You can do it. :)


I wish I could talk to the one ENFP person which troubles me, but then again I haven't spent multiple months with her on a more or less intimate relationship. She's still half a stranger to me..

You on the other hand, are in a better position.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Communication is easy when it comes to trying to decide where to go to dinner but when it comes to feelings it's like how do I phrase this so that I don't sound like a fumbling idiot.

But you're right, it's necessary. I'm just struggling with finding the right time to bring it up.
 

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Hey!

I'm new here aaaaand I have a question, so I thought I would come here in hopes that you guys may be able to help me out. So I met this amazing guy last september and we've been hanging out and sleeping together pretty consistently from september-november and starting again in early february. We only took a break because he stopped responding to my calls or texts because it was finals time and he's notoriously busy with work and research and classes, and I was a little offput, thinking he didn't like me anymore or I did something wrong so I just didn't talk to him and we didn't see each other over our winter break (we're in college). Well I reached out to him again in february and he was quite enthusiastic about picking up right where we left off & we started sleeping together and hanging out. The problem is, I'm graduating in less than 2 months and he has a semester left at college so this is leaving me with the question- where is this thing going? I really don't want this to end because not only do we have great chemistry in bed, he's very mentally stimulating and I enjoy our conversations because they're not superficial. I truly love spending time around him, he's not like anyone I've ever met before and that intrigues me, I don't want to lose him.

I'm moving closer to where he's from for a job, which will put us 20 minutes away from each other so the problem of distance has been eliminated, but I just can't tell if he wants this to become something more or if I'm just utterly delusional. I only question his feelings towards me because he's not a big communicator- he's pretty bad at responding to me and he's told me nothing is wrong, he just shuts down when he gets busy and has to get his work done. He tells me I can be a distraction to him, but he always says it with a smile and I've asked if that's a bad thing and he says no, he welcomes the distraction sometimes. I guess it boils down to- I don't know if his poor communication means he doesn't want anything other than what we have right now (basically friends with benefits) or what....

Any advice? I guess I have a fear of opening up because I don't want to get shot down because I mis-read the person's hints. But I really want to see if this could become something else because I kind of feel feelings developing for him...
This happens a lot. Us INTPs don't show emotions, and if we like someone, all we do is observe them so we get these kind of threads a lot here.

-There's NO telling whether he wants it to become something more or not. Ignore the ENTJ or other people telling you he's not worth your time, when they don't understand our personality type. Here are some hints of him "wanting something more":
+Considering you a friend
+Calling you/talks to you first without the intention of sex

If you really want to know, ask him whether he wants it to be something more.
+Do it via text messaging.
+Just say "Be honest, it's okay if all you want is sex" so he doesn't have to lie.

Of course there IS a minor chance he might lie and mislead you, but that's really the chance with every guy you'll ever meet. The INTP dude has a lesser chance of misleading or lying to you than most other types.

(I mislead an INFP girl into sex letting her think I loved her, and didn't care about her depression after we broke up, but she did a LOT to piss me off. A LOT. I would not do that to a normal girl.)
 
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