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Discussion Starter #1
I made a friend almost three weeks ago who tests ENFJ (and agrees with it). I've never been emotionally close with/romantically involved with another NF (only NTs my whole life), so it's been very interesting, yet scary, how we see so many of the same things the same way despite our cognitive opposites. It's a great and solid friendship. It's not without a little chaos and melodrama (welcome to NF land), as he's in the middle of a very hostile divorce, but in general we have a lot of fun, and a lot of things in common, and it's nice to spend time with someone who "gets it". You know? For instance, we had an entire conversation the other day speaking two different languages, neither of which the other knew, and we could still 100% understand, almost word for word, what the other person was saying. Freaky. But awesome.

When it comes down to romantic interactions, though, of which there have been very few... we can't connect. Part of it is physical, but a large part of it has to do with F tendencies and personal habits. We are both almost strictly "givers", and do not particularly care about our own enjoyment when in an intimate situation with another person. This makes things, physically and emotionally, VERY difficult. It's frustrating, because we connect so deeply on a spiritual/intellectual level, but in this arena we are FAILING. BADLY. I think it also has to do with the fact that I'm very guarded about intimacy, as is he, and we both have a massive internal conflict within ourselves as to whether or not to let another person in like that. We both have needs, but we both have conflict, and it's not just a physical thing. He runs hot and cold, and I get my feelings hurt, and he gets frustrated about it, and it's a big bad cycle.

Any advice is, as always, appreciated.
 

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Both of you want to give, but neither is comfortable with receiving? Familiar. The best and most clichéd advice is to talk things out with him, but I presume you've either done it already or have a reason not to. I don't know how comfortable you'd be with just waiting for him to get the divorce over with, but I think it would be the best course of action. He's probably hurt by it, and, as I recall from some of your previous threads, you have quite a few issues with relationships as well (not saying this in the bad way, I promise! *hugs*). You can be there for each other and maybe put the romance on hold until you both figure out what's going on and what you want.

Alternatively, you can try to work around the awkwardness and see if it improves in time. It's likely that you just need time to adjust yourselves to this new kind of connection where you give and receive. It will take you both a while to open up, it's normal and only human.

What exactly does he do when he 'runs hot and cold' and how do you show him you're hurt? What does he do when he gets frustrated?
 

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No, I totally understand! I'm terrible with relationships, and I've definitely had my share of trouble... can't argue with ya there :)

I think you're right to kind of back off until all of that divorce junk is over with. I've been toying with that idea all along, but there are so many good aspects of our "whatever it is that we have" that I've been hesitant to do so. Sometimes you just need someone else to reinforce things, so thanks Lullaby :)

As far as the "hot and cold" thing... he'll be affectionate and wanting to be intimate one minute, then he'll be totally stand-offish the next. When I get hurt about it, I tend to do the "I'm fine, everything is fine" and just make up an excuse to leave. It's a really, REALLY poor way of dealing with things, and I know I need to work on it. Still, it's the only thing I really know ~how~ to do yet.
 
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