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Discussion Starter #1
I'm nearly 23 and as long as I can remember I've had problems with physical intimacy and expressing emotions through physical contact. I don't just mean in a sexual or romantic way I've even been uncomfortable with friendly hugs or if someone sits or stands too close to me :D It's kind of ridiculous. My friends even have an inside joke about what an unwilling hugger I am lol :p

Because of these issues I've never kissed anyone sober (just drunk when someone kissed me and I just kind of went along with it but didn't enjoy it at all), dated anyone or had sex or done anything sexual (no blowjobs or base action or even over the clothing stuff). I haven't even cuddled with anyone ever. I sound like I'm a total hermit but I'm actually quite outgoing these days, I'm in college and go out weekly with my very extroverted friends and have hobbies and close friends. Just nothing romantic or sexual. I'm also not asexual.

I've gotten a bit better at it since I have friends who are very physically affectionate and love to give bear hugs. I've even started to be okay with less personal space and don't mind sitting close and leaning on someone when hanging out if I like them as a human.

I get romantic and sexual feelings rarely, and just towards people I feel connected to (I guess I would classify as demi), but the idea of actually having sex with someone seems so weird to me and I don't know if I could do it. Even kissing seems like a big step to be honest which is crazy since I am 23 soon and not 13.

I don't know if this is an INFJ thing or just my personal issue :,) I'd love to hear if anyone can relate!
 

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I'd say INFJs can be slow to take steps in physical intimacy with anyone, but I believe this to be something unique to each person. Some people just are more physical than others. There's nothing intrinsically wrong with either way. When you really think about it - how weird is hugging? Kissing? Sex? Very weird. People pressing themselves to one another. Like, why ?? But some people like that shit more than others. I like it, but it doesn't mean you have to.
 

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I don't generally like physical contact either, I'll even turn down a back rub from a close family member most of the time, for example. And I can remember one time someone aqsked me to cuddle while I was on MDMA (a drug that should make one want to cuddle), and I reacted pretty badly to the suggestion, lol.

But it does depend a lot on the situation, how I feel about the person, and stuff like that. And I'm not demisexual, lust is a pretty common experience for me, regardless. Sex in the abstract is fucking weird though and I often enough wish it were just a non-issue.
 

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Ah yeah, the struggle is real there. It's annoying too because seemingly everyone else isn't that way and they assume that you aren't ether. :/

If it's worth anything though, easing into it helps. Just starting off with high fives, awkward side hugs, and then hugs good bye. Sort of desensitizing yourself to it. However, this is pretty much a theory because I haven't tried it yet.
 

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If it's a person I don't know than any physical activity is out of the question, if it's a person I'm connected to then I'll glue myself to them anytime.
 

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I'm also 23

DON'T TOUCH ME

I don't mind contact upon meeting and leaving someone's company. Daps, hugs, and handshakes are acceptable at the appropriate moments of greeting and farewell. Otherwise. DON'T TOUCH ME :exterminate:
 
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Discussion Starter #7
I don't generally like physical contact either, I'll even turn down a back rub from a close family member most of the time, for example. And I can remember one time someone aqsked me to cuddle while I was on MDMA (a drug that should make one want to cuddle), and I reacted pretty badly to the suggestion, lol.

But it does depend a lot on the situation, how I feel about the person, and stuff like that. And I'm not demisexual, lust is a pretty common experience for me, regardless. Sex in the abstract is fucking weird though and I often enough wish it were just a non-issue.
It really does depend on the person and situation a lot for me too. If I like someone enough I am okay with them being physically close and even sleeping in the same bed, I just don't want it to get sexual. It's a very frustrating feeling when you like someone romantically and have interest in them sexually but you feel that if you break the platonic safety barrier they'll just want to jump right into having sex. It makes perfect sense for most casual people, we're young and in college and both like each other = sex.

I have had this situation a few times in the last years not that I've liked someone as more than a friend and I knew they felt the same way. One person even told me they liked me and asked me if I felt "fully platonic" about our friendship and I just kind of freaked out. I could imagine kissing them maybe or cuddling but I am not able to be like a normal person and just have sex with them pretty soon after kissing. So I push off all emotions and act like I'm asexual to not have to deal with this stuff but honestly it's a lonely existence.
 

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Ah yeah, the struggle is real there. It's annoying too because seemingly everyone else isn't that way and they assume that you aren't ether. :/

If it's worth anything though, easing into it helps. Just starting off with high fives, awkward side hugs, and then hugs good bye. Sort of desensitizing yourself to it. However, this is pretty much a theory because I haven't tried it yet.
I've been trying to do that and honestly have made huge personal improvements on some stuff like hugging and platonic friendly touching. It's so funny though that I'm still at a level of a 13 year old where kissing someone seems radical and the idea of having sex with someone makes me blush like a school girl.
 

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If it's a person I don't know than any physical activity is out of the question, if it's a person I'm connected to then I'll glue myself to them anytime.
Maybe there's hope for me yet :,) How soon do you start to get sexual in new relationships with a partner? If I may ask
 

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Discussion Starter #10
I'm also 23

DON'T TOUCH ME

I don't mind contact upon meeting and leaving someone's company. Daps, hugs, and handshakes are acceptable at the appropriate moments of greeting and farewell. Otherwise. DON'T TOUCH ME :exterminate:
Haha yeah :D If I'm at a party or something and someone just randomly puts their arm around me or grabs my hand I just kind of like freeze and try to get out of it as fast as I can without seeming like I have major issues lol
 

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Maybe there's hope for me yet :,) How soon do you start to get sexual in new relationships with a partner? If I may ask
It's hard to get sexual in new relationships, like I said I'm only good with people I know for some time.
I'm normally the passive one and I try to relax and let it happen and then it starts becoming nicer.
 
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If it's worth anything though, easing into it helps. Just starting off with high fives, awkward side hugs, and then hugs good bye. Sort of desensitizing yourself to it. However, this is pretty much a theory because I haven't tried it yet.
It helped me to become desensitised to it, although I am not fully desensitised yet.
 
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I'm not a fan of physical contact - inferior Se methinks. Although I don't see that as the explanation for the whole issue. Being touched makes me pretty uncomfortable, especially without warning.

And many people my age aren't willing to take things slow. They don't understand the meaning of the word, so we're incompatible.
 

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Yes, I can feel your problem there.
What makes me more uncomfortable is that, everytime I am about to start a relationship, I always believe the other person might be frustrated by my need for personal space and overall lack of control over my body, hence I often restrain to engage for their own good (or maybe just the dislike to face what makes me uncomfortable). I'm trying to get over it - it's a very delicate topic because to me, it almost means trying to solve a lesser problem in my life, which means I do not dedicate a lot of energies into this whole situation. Perhaps I should.

As with male friends, when I was younger I used to istantly release a death stare everytime someone touched me. Now I'm much more accustomed to it, but it still triggers me on occasion.

I'm curious about this topic altough. Any INFJs that experienced a similar issue and somehow got over it, how did they managed that?
 

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Discussion Starter #15
It's hard to get sexual in new relationships, like I said I'm only good with people I know for some time.
I'm normally the passive one and I try to relax and let it happen and then it starts becoming nicer.
That is honestly what I feel like I'm gonna be like. My biggest fear when it comes to sex is disappointing or boring someone because I'm so shy and not into super wild stuff. I kind of don't care as much if I enjoy it super much as long as the other person is happy, I feel like I would enjoy the other aspects of intimacy more than the physical act of having sex.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
I'm not a fan of physical contact - inferior Se methinks. Although I don't see that as the explanation for the whole issue. Being touched makes me pretty uncomfortable, especially without warning.

And many people my age aren't willing to take things slow. They don't understand the meaning of the word, so we're incompatible.
Yeah... I feel you :/ I feel I've missed out on a few potential romantic relationships in my life since I knew the other person had a sexually active fast and would feel pressure to "put out" so my fear won my desire to be in a relationship and it never seemed worth the risk
 

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@thislittlebluebird Is it some kind of fear of being seen or judged or is it just an unpleasant feeling when engaging into physical intimacy?

Not an INFJ, but wanted to ask

My biggest fear when it comes to sex is disappointing or boring someone because I'm so shy and not into super wild stuff. I kind of don't care as much if I enjoy it super much as long as the other person is happy, I feel like I would enjoy the other aspects of intimacy more than the physical act of having sex.
You shouldn't be afraid of that - you're not obliged to do anything you don't feel like doing. Some partners will be happy as long as you feel comfortable and have a good time. Maybe you just need to find the right person.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
@thislittlebluebird Is it some kind of fear of being seen or judged or is it just an unpleasant feeling when engaging into physical intimacy?

Not an INFJ, but wanted to ask



You shouldn't be afraid of that - you're not obliged to do anything you don't feel like doing. Some partners will be happy as long as you feel comfortable and have a good time. Maybe you just need to find the right person.
I know that is how life should be in the ideal world and I haven't done anything with anyone because I am looking for a person who really would get it and be okay with it. But I'm also trying to be realistic in that my first sexual partner probably isn't going to be the most perfect and flawlessly accepting human ever and they just probably want to have normal sex pretty soon after starting dating. I don't want my prudishness to ruin an otherwise potentially awesome relationship by me making it a thing and not being able to just be a normal girl who puts out.
 

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I always prefer to take it slow myself. I do think it's inferior Se. I've felt pressured into it faster before but it is more a negative response than a positive one. So it's more detached than intimate. My imagination can be pretty extreme, but my body needs something more tame, at least as foreplay. Then maybe I could lose more control and get into it. What's hard is dealing with people who have high expectations and treat sex like purely physical because that doesn't turn me on (positively), only negatively (challenging/competition).
 
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Yes, I can feel your problem there.
What makes me more uncomfortable is that, everytime I am about to start a relationship, I always believe the other person might be frustrated by my need for personal space and overall lack of control over my body, hence I often restrain to engage for their own good (or maybe just the dislike to face what makes me uncomfortable). I'm trying to get over it - it's a very delicate topic because to me, it almost means trying to solve a lesser problem in my life, which means I do not dedicate a lot of energies into this whole situation. Perhaps I should.

As with male friends, when I was younger I used to istantly release a death stare everytime someone touched me. Now I'm much more accustomed to it, but it still triggers me on occasion.

I'm curious about this topic altough. Any INFJs that experienced a similar issue and somehow got over it, how did they managed that?
It's a little corny but I believe that if you and someone really love each other I doubt sex is gonna be on the top of relationship priorities.
 
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