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Hello!

Do you often struggle with shyness around new people? From time to time I can get very shy, and it makes me depressed to not be able to joke around and have fun like I do when I'm with my friends.
At the workplace there is just so much seriousness and dull grown ups. We're not allowed to swear at work, and we have a lot of "rules" and "norms" to follow. I feel I can't be the unfiltered version of me without it having any consequences, and it makes me sad when I actually manage to be myself - and it ends up with parents, teachers, and bosses feel the need to "correct" me and my behaviour.

I'm pretty eccentric and I quickly become a good fit with "weird" types, but I just can not connect with "average people" in the same level, especially the ones that have a more traditional mindset.

How do you train yourself to make it bearable to be around sensors? I have a lot of anxiety with this as I don't think/care about norms, traditions and what society expects of me the same way as a lot of other people do.
I'm also quite stubborn, and don't like to pretend I'm someone else just to please somebody. I wish I could though!

Do you have any tips? Do you have any techniques you use for small talk?
 

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Sounds a bit contradictory, in that you say you don't like to pretend, and yet wish that you could. I feel you, though. From what I've seen, my question would be "why do you want to connect with people who are deemed 'average' when you seem to be looking for something more?" What they want from you is apparently different from what you want for yourself. If you are interested in how they think and what they're interested in, then try asking someone to hang out or something and see for yourself what they're like when casual. This goes for anybody, really.

I believe that your anxiety may be coming from a lack of understanding, basically ignorance (and not in a bad way), and can be "cured" by learning enough to know how you feel about who they are. I ended up leaving my old workplace because I decided that it wasn't right for the person I am, and I feel so much better because of it. Not saying that quitting your job is a good idea all the time, though.

As for small talk "techniques," I prefer to just start with the weather or whatever they start with and go from there. If I don't feel like saying anything else then no biggie I got nothin' to say. I have found, however, that asking them questions about their decision-making in a polite and curious way tends to yield some interesting results. If you want them to be more interesting, then take an interest in them, and you may be surprised by what you find. Good luck!
 

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As for small talk "techniques," I prefer to just start with the weather or whatever they start with and go from there. If I don't feel like saying anything else then no biggie I got nothin' to say. I have found, however, that asking them questions about their decision-making in a polite and curious way tends to yield some interesting results. If you want them to be more interesting, then take an interest in them, and you may be surprised by what you find. Good luck!
I find myself slightly horrible at regular small talk so I usually try my best to k ow people and their interests and if a moment "requires" small talk then I just pick one of their favorites and it quickly turns into more than just small talk. Talking about the weather doesn't work at all, I don't small talk that much because people know me as a babbler and if you engage in a conversation with me it easily extends as long as I feel I am able to continue. Of course if I'm in a major rush then we might only talk for a few minutes
 

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I do struggle with shyness around new people but I'm working a lot on this! I tend to bump into randoms in the office kitchen quite frequently. I like to try reach out to people and test different strategies.

Usually I start with open ended small talk questions about their weekend, what they got up to last night or the hot news item of today, and because I don't like talking about myself when I know nothing about whether or not the other person would be interested, I will try to get them to talk more about themselves. Works for extroverts! Also works for introverts who feel like they need to say something because they're nervous.

For introverted types that don't tend to reveal much about themselves and are a challenge, I would reveal a little about interesting things I did over the weekend or tell a funny story and hope they take the bait!

Once I get a sense of who someone is and what they like, I'll try remember little facts about them, categorise them and then try to use that angle the next time. XD
 

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I usually go hunting for the "weird folk" or those who just look out of place compared to everyone else, say they have highlights in their hair or piercing. Tend to be really fun to hang around. And ENFP's can sense other ENFP's, it's like a 6th sense. Go out there and find a weirdo! Normal people are for the "ST"s and "NT"s, we will have our weird conversations and jokes with someone one day or another.
 

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The "shyness" comes from dealing with sensors terms.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
First of all thank you for your responses! Definitely some tips I will bring with me!

The "shyness" comes from dealing with sensors terms.
Could you elaborate? How do you deal with the sensor terms?
 

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Tips for small talk

- talk about the weather/what you've been doing today/what you are currently obsessing about in your spare time/some form of interests like MBTI etc
- "reflect" (in other words, restate what they state back to them eg: "i love pizza" "pizza is really good I know right" xD or "I watched this movie and it had this interesting dyanamic between x & y" "oh i love when there are dynamics between characters and it makes you think so much more about everything you know" :p) Usually when you do this, they eventually start trying to get the 'last word' in and they will keep talking nonetheless. almost like what motivates people in debates or even online arguments. (Jeez, no way am I going to let this sucker get the last word in !!)
- Ask questions ("I'm a big X & Y hockey fan, whenever ZZ is on the field, i'm like whaa.." "Oh really, what about ZZ is so amazing?") . Don't just keep asking questions though.
- Be silent, ponder what they stated over, and then , you may somehow, in that silence, think of something interesting to say. Maybe ask yourself a question 'What do i think about X?'
- Just go with the flow, or in other words 'speak your heart through your mouth' and that requires knowing how you feel (best technique i've learned so far)

To be honest, i felt like these concerns come up for everyone. i'm anxious and i don't know what to say. sometimes in social anxiety, they are amplified. but the thing is, i really think, after you've gone through therapeutic techniques for social anxiety, most of these 'blank head' feelings will go away, and you will notice you do actually have a lot to say, or have the capacity to have a lot to say. (if not every time, some times in your life).
 

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First of all thank you for your responses! Definitely some tips I will bring with me!



Could you elaborate? How do you deal with the sensor terms?
Shyness usually comes from thoughts inside your head, which make you shy. Generally, not the world around you.
 

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Well, we live in Norway (ISXJ country) so no wonder it's difficult for Ns :kitteh:

I was once fired because I was too eccentric to be there and laughed/joked too much at work :laughing: :crazy: The new 'boss' used another excuse, but later I found out the real reason through another one who worked there. Whatever, their loss, I refuse to become a robot!
 

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I find myself slightly horrible at regular small talk so I usually try my best to k ow people and their interests and if a moment "requires" small talk then I just pick one of their favorites and it quickly turns into more than just small talk. Talking about the weather doesn't work at all, I don't small talk that much because people know me as a babbler and if you engage in a conversation with me it easily extends as long as I feel I am able to continue. Of course if I'm in a major rush then we might only talk for a few minutes
Yes... though actually I'm not so bad at small talk as I am bored of it. What I'm really bad at is medium talk, the transition from small talk to deep conversation. I'm great at deep talk, fine at small talk, but to transition between the two? Bad. So I tend to small talk for a few moments then we just stare awkwardly at each other. In a mingle situation, I tend to say bye and move on. It's frustrating because there's people I've known for a long time that I"ve enver really gotten to know at all even though I really am interested to because of this. If I get in a one on one situation I usually can get into a deep conversation, but not in a group one.
 

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Well, we live in Norway (ISXJ country) so no wonder it's difficult for Ns :kitteh:

I was once fired because I was too eccentric to be there and laughed/joked too much at work :laughing: :crazy: The new 'boss' used another excuse, but later I found out the real reason through another one who worked there. Whatever, their loss, I refuse to become a robot!
Sounds kind of like Finland too, can't get away from those. Well, gotta figure out something... Hi-diddly-ho neighbor! :D
 
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Well, we live in Norway (ISXJ country) so no wonder it's difficult for Ns :kitteh:

I was once fired because I was too eccentric to be there and laughed/joked too much at work :laughing: :crazy: The new 'boss' used another excuse, but later I found out the real reason through another one who worked there. Whatever, their loss, I refuse to become a robot!
Haha! I'm from Norway as well! Maybe that's the problem :laughing: and I don't even live in a larger city.. all the weird people has all ready fled.. :frustrating:
 

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Haha yes, the weird people are nice :D
I also love weird people.

I'm an American living in India, so not Scandinavia at all. I'm mainly northern European in my ancestry though (notably Danish and Polish.) My husband is Anglo-Indian, meaning Indian and European really not just British, so we're just total mutts and so is our baby. :)
 

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Hello!

Do you often struggle with shyness around new people? From time to time I can get very shy, and it makes me depressed to not be able to joke around and have fun like I do when I'm with my friends.
At the workplace there is just so much seriousness and dull grown ups. We're not allowed to swear at work, and we have a lot of "rules" and "norms" to follow. I feel I can't be the unfiltered version of me without it having any consequences, and it makes me sad when I actually manage to be myself - and it ends up with parents, teachers, and bosses feel the need to "correct" me and my behaviour.

I'm pretty eccentric and I quickly become a good fit with "weird" types, but I just can not connect with "average people" in the same level, especially the ones that have a more traditional mindset.

How do you train yourself to make it bearable to be around sensors? I have a lot of anxiety with this as I don't think/care about norms, traditions and what society expects of me the same way as a lot of other people do.
I'm also quite stubborn, and don't like to pretend I'm someone else just to please somebody. I wish I could though!

Do you have any tips? Do you have any techniques you use for small talk?
I'd look for a new job. Until then do your best to lay low. I wouldn't change who I am.

Yay! :D Anyone else from Scandinavia/Northern Europe? :)
Not from there, but my ancestors on the maternal side of my family are from Norway, Denmark, and possibly Sweden (and Germany, but that is irrelevant for this) who settled in northern Wisconsin and Chicago.
 
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