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I hope this doesn't come out in a jumbled mess, but I'm just going to type as the thoughts come...

These last few weeks on these forums have been wonderful. I have learned so much about myself. I've come to a deeper understanding of why I am the way I am, and why-- most importantly-- it is vital for me to stay true to that.

I had so many expectations for myself. I envisioned the "perfect mother" and was trying so hard for so long to fit myself into that mold. But a square peg cannot fit into a round hole. I have realized now that I cannot force myself to conform, to give up who I am, in order to match some unachievable ideal. Instead, I must work with the personality I have been given, and form my expectaions accordingly. This will make me a much better, and happier, person.

I am thoroughly convinced that my mom is either an ISFJ or an ESFJ, as when I started out on these forums those were the two types I thought I most identified with. Now I realize they weren't me, but I thought they should be, because they were the closest descriptions to how I thought the ideal mother should be based on the way I had observed my own mother to be.

But I am not either of those. And if I had continued to try to be a kind of person that I naturally am not, I would have gone crazy! I am already on a med for anxiety and depression because I struggled for so long with this before I finally realized what I was doing to myself. But, now that I know better I have high hopes that I won't need the med for long-- just long enough to regain my chemical balance (and yes, I have tried going off it once, and definitely was not ready, so I know it is necessary-- *sigh*-- at least for now).

Being an INFJ is not something I would have wished for myself, to be honest. But, "if you can't beat 'em..." I might as well just accept who I am and learn to work with it.

At least I am allowing myself to enjoy the escape into a good book again...Reading for pleasure was almost becoming foreign to me, sadly enough...Again, it goes back to how I thought a "good mom" should be.

I have a new definition of a "good mom" now, however. A good mom is a happy mom. So, I have to do what makes me happy. That may sound selfish. But, serving my family is still high on the list of what makes me happy...I just can't do it nonstop without some "me time," which is what I had been trying to do.

For better or for worse, I am INFJ. Not ISFJ, or ESFJ, or INTP or anything else. But only 100%, pure I, N, F, and J. And I am happy this way.

Heh. Thanks for taking the time to read this, if you have.
 

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Follow your bliss. -Joseph Campbell
 

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In my mind if one member is unhappy it just starts to spread.I imagine i would need some me time.i would need my future wife to give me that hour or a little more i need and she can expect the same in reverse.
 
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